We had dinner at Japanese restaurant.. with Chris along.. Didn't eat my greens... And now, I'm sleepy and in no mood to even try to talk to parents. I dunno why.. Maybe because of what dad said earlier. Maybe because my sister told me the reason to why he said that.
I can't quite let this one out. Even Mr hasn't know about this. I am just afraid if he thinks badly of my dad then. What if this relationship ends like any other, with my dad suddenly changing his mind and dislike my choices and decisions I tried to make?I am afraid to let go some secrets I held behind my back trying to "protect" my family name. I seemed to have lost myself again. What am I doing?
I am totally lost in confusion sometimes. I dunno who I am, what I am doing or where I am going sometimes. It's not good. Never good. What are my parents thinking? What have I done? They keep doing this, thinking I would be their little 5 year old gal who listen tentatively to their Yes and No... to their orders... to what they have to say like I have nothing to say. The difference now is that, they never tell me in the face, they never reason with me openly. They will go round the bush getting my sisters to send these hidden messages.
It's so wrong but so right, So right yet so wrong... I don't wanna side anyone. I don't wanna lose anyone either. I don't wanna screw up... But these problems, these things is taking their toll on my mind! I can't let it out, neither can I keep it to myself...
It's not like my parents mistreated me, not like they are abusing me.. not like they never let me out on my own, not like they never gave me any choices. But I'm defeated. I can't fight, I can't win, I can't lose, I can't do anything right. Every move I make seemed to be full with mistakes... But I never knew any of the mistakes. How do I learn without first identifying my mistakes?
Why am I in such a dilema? What should I do? Where should I go?
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