Another movie bites. Overdued really....

Well, I liked the new bond... He's blonde and reminded me of TB. Hah... I think he would better suit the role.

Despite the many critics I've heard of the new bond, Daniel Craig, I actually watched it and preferred him more than Mr Brosnan. Maybe it's because Daniel Craig has a bad guy look and is less corny, plus he's cuter. *winks* And the fact that he's blonde and did more actions than Brosnan.

The first 20 minutes was just breath taking, seeing Craig jumping from crane to crane dangerously risking his life, watching him fall and taking a shorter cut than the man whom he's chasing.. That's just awesome. So please take back all the critics you've been pouring if you ever did.

Small facts about him : He's born on 2nd March 1968 at 41 Liverpool Road, Chester, Cheshire, England. Standing at 1.80m, his full name is Daniel Wroughton Craig. His dad was a merchant seaman turned steel erector, then became landlord of 'Ring O' Bells' pub in Frodsham, Cheshire. His mom, was an art teacher. His parents split up in 1972, and young Daniel Craig was raised with his older sister, Lea, in Liverpool, then in Hoylake, Wirral, in the home of Carol Olivia Craig(his mom). His interest in acting was encouraged by visits to the Liverpool Everyman Theatre arranged by his mom. From the age of 6, Craig started acting in school plays, and his mom, Carol, was the driving force behind his artistic aspirations. He was also a good athlete and was a rugby player at Hoylake Rugby Club.

So much about the new bond eh... Go search for more details if you feel intrigued. I'm stopping here...

About the movie.. I really enjoyed watching it by myself. I watched it at Vivocity.. Now that's a place worth talking about. Honestly, I think it's over-rated. The facade was done badly, if you asked. It's utterly huge, yes... It has got 11 movie theatres, one GV max and one Gold Class. However, the seats was too upright and hard. I still prefer watching my movies at Cathay Cineplex. The seats are much more comfortable, and huge too.

Now a finalised countdown:

5 more days before my appraisal, 6 more days before my pay day, 7 more days before I get my pass, 11 more days to my 2nd niece's 10th birthday, 15 more days to Sharmie's birthday, 16 more days to Christmas, 17 more days before I get my Visa, 19 more days before I fly.. And 23 more days before a new year starts afresh...

I am just getting a bit impatient, and have told my mom about my flying alone.. Haa. You should look at her face full of disbelief.

Will update again soon. Till later~

The journey from office to Tanjong Pagar....

Yes.. I walked all my way there unknowingly.. I plugged in to my mp3 and just took the risk walking the path I never took before.. I saw buildings I never come across before.. Some buildings that I need to visit in future...

I snapped two pictures that caught my attention as placed on the right. The first one is located opposite the Prudential Building, called RoGues.. Looks cool, somewhat like a winebar with a classy touch. I would gauge it to cost much higher than normal, but I may very well get it wrong.

The second building is the Capitol Tower, I think everyone would know this one except me.. Haha.. But it looked cool from where I stood when I took the picture. Snapshot doesn't exactly looked as nice, but I guess only I know what I mean.. *Grins*

Then I took the train to Dover and walked home from there, passing by a familiar place, recalling great fond memories.. *flashbacks* ...... Ah...

Oh, I finally uploaded pictures from my Dinner and Dance, so feel free to browse through them at - http://naifaj.multiply.com - you are most welcome to comment on the snapshots too.

Pardon me? Oh.. The Dinner and Dance eh.. Well, it went okay.. I enjoyed myself a bit, until people around me with partners start to introduce respective partners to each other.. It was just like a reminder that I came alone. So I quickly made an exit.

Apparently some people thought I was offended when one of our guest who commented about me having peanuts on my chest instead of fluffy sponges. Haa.. Well, people I get it all the time, and guess what, I'm happy with my body. And I love them the way they are, I ain't gonna change it for anybody. So to hell for those who think I ain't perfect.

Rather disappointed that they don't have white wine, they only had beer and red wine. Didnt get beer because it won't go with my sleaky skimpy black dress, and red wine makes me sleepy.. So I went by without any alcohol intake that night.

Go ahead and browse throught the photos... There are photos of someone who resembles someone else. Let's just say I like his smile, but we never got the chance to talk or even know each other.. And I'd like it to remain like that.

Slight corrections to my countdown... Spot it if you'd like to...

7 more days before my appraisal, 10 more days before my pay day, 13 more days before I get my pass, 15 more days to my 2nd niece's 10th birthday, 19 more days to Sharmie's birthday, 20 more days to Christmas, 21 more days before I get my Visa, 23 more days before I fly.. And 27 more days before a new year starts afresh...

Weee~~~ I can't wait to celebrate new year away with TB..

May all *our wishes come true.


PS: *our - refers to myself and all readers (just so to safe guard myself even when there's no need for that)

Counting the days...

It has been 11 days since she left this land. How I missed her... Strange as it seems, I am missing my best girl friend ever... Never thought I would be this affected really.. Those little things we all took for granted..

Just spoken to her on the phone, and those little memories we kept intact. I now recalled why we are so attached, in fact we grew more attached now than ever before. No.. Please don't get funny ideas running in your mind... I'm still as straight as ever.

I was a little down on the way home, thinking of how lonely my life has been despite my busy and tight schedule. I havent had time to even blog, yet too much time in hand that I've thought of all the little things too much in depth.

I looked and scanned throught the passing cars, hoping to get a glance of a familiar make. Yet to leave my mind, the first date came to play, time stood still and the warmth starts to spread. Oh how I miss that look with a hidden smile..

I tried to let go, but am tightening my grip. How could I possibly move on when I hadn't let go of the past fully? I truly had tried and am trying real hard. I reasoned with myself, that I ain't the only person with feelings and problems... Others have their share too.. I should learn to get by and stand on my own and start loving myself more.

My mind starts to wander, of how I am ever liable for all the problems I have to face. Why havent I got a chance to show that I am capable to upbring myself full of responsibility? Why doesn't my family trust me to do well, and be assured that I will do it to my best capabilities? All these disputes turmoil in my head... And I just start to be a bit depressed....

Then there's one thing that kept my smile going... 24 more days before I fly alone to see a place I've never been before, to embrace myself in warmth despite the cold weather. I start to imagine how nice it would be.. A short but surely an enjoyable trip.

Experiencing a flight away from home all alone... Landing safely with someone to fetch me... Talking and expressing my true self, throwing my opinions and views without being judged, listening to ideas and perspectives.... Ah.. It would be such an eye opener.. And I can't wait for the day to come!

4 more days before my appraisal, 11 more days before my pay day, 14 more days before I get my pass, 16 more days to my 2nd niece's 10th birthday, 20 more days to Sharmie's birthday, 21 more days to Christmas, 22 more days before I get my Visa, 24 more days before I fly.. And 28 more days before a new year starts afresh...

Too much?

I dunno if I was asking for too much.. I realised that I can't totally rely on any of my sisters or family. I dunno if it was envy, jealousy or for the good. They don't totally support me(and I mean moral support NOT financial support) when I took up sports, or when I decide to enrol for a degree. Neither were they supportive when I applied for insurance or investments.

All I did, was to ask my sisters to be a witness of the insurance cum investment that I applied for just so they know who to contact should anything happen to me. And they came up with excuses of inconvenience, and start asking me what kind of insurance I took up just because their insurance did not require any sort of witness. I should have asked them what insurance they applied for since it doesnt require any witness. Wasn't a witness requirement suppose to assure you that they are not out to cheat or take in your money that you have insured and invested when something happened to you?

Ha.. So much for relying and turning to family members eh? I should have known. Whatever I did, for good or bad, they were never there. Never once were they supportive, in fact, they were more judgemental on everything I do. They said I never will change. Well, this is me. I do what others don't. I took risk so I wont regret. I took a different route because I am different, unlike typical humans who are just indifferent.

What wrong did I do, to be different? What is so wrong about trying and experimenting what they didn't? They never realise how much they mean to me.. And they never will. And one day when I made it.. I guess they would be the first ones to come up and say, I'm glad you made it, I prayed for you bla bla bla.. Maybe they really did, but hey... I need more than silent support... I need people to believe in me, and in what I do.. Not someone who would sit and point out all the things I did wrong or the things that might happen if it didnt turn out quite right. I need people to tell me that even if things weren't right they would stand by me..

Fine.. I guess I am indeed asking for too much. But I have known what kind of a person you are.. Indifferent, judgemental and will never make it as far as I did.. Like what Sharmie always say, THIS IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN EDUCATED PEOPLE AND INEDUCATED PEOPLE!

They don't fucking get it through their heads because they never want to take the risk. They don't fucking realise that the world is different and they dont fucking realise that their mindset is that of the golden times. They never will make it far. They never will, because they are always contented with what they already have and not want to have more.

I am different, I can be contented, but I wanted more than what I already have. I want to go that sky high and still be aware of where Earth is. I think I'd be better off alone. No family, with little friends. I guess thats why many parent-less children made it far, because it's easier to earn support and respect that way. Because there'd be noone to judge them and noone to tell them which route they should go. They just follow their own self-instinct.

I know I shouldnt wish to be parent-less. Hell, I fucking appreciate my parents and what they have done for me. My parents can disappoint me in whatever way, they deserve the right as much as they shouldn't be. My sisters, I thought they were supportive, I thought they would believe in me... But I was wrong.. I can never rely on them. They will always be somewhere away from me, they can expect millions of things from me, and get me to do it for them, but when asked to do a little favour like meeting my financial consultant just so they know they can contact someone to help me out financially by claiming insurance on my behalf, they just couldn't. They just have better things to do.. And maybe I don't. Maybe I'm just SO FUCKING FREE that I can do anything for them whenever they want me to.

Well, I do know they had done a lot of things and sacrifice a lot for me.. And maybe this is my retribution. Well, what goes around, comes around.. I'm not cursing, just saying. Don't come asking my opinion. It's worthless.

And maybe I've got no fucking feelings.. They can hurt me however they want, I'll still be breathing and kicking alive.

I'll do what I want to do, and what I feel like doing. And when all fails, I'll do what I think could make me feel better. I don't fucking need anyone no more. And when I am no longer, don't regret it when someone else claims my money. You made the choice, not me.

Lastly, thank you. I really do appreciate everything you've done. However, I can't possibly promise you that I'll be forever here for you. One day, I won't be. I don't do things for the sake of doing it, I believe all of you know that by now. Once again, Thanks!

Love in my own words....

I have had a little conversation with someone lately... Of what I thought about love. Of what love truly means.. And I ended up writing a lot that amaze both of us.. It's weird how words just flow out in name of love.

Maybe I should share of what I think, of what I had written about LOVE;

Love may not be seen, but it cant be hidden. It will be spread and it will grow deep inside till it reproduce to something more. Commitments or other, it simply doesnt die.

Love is something that is more than just alive, it gives you jive to live and move on till the day it depletes and never felt.

Love is a word that has millions of explanation with none correct to what you feel because Love you felt is something no other will feel. It's an experience only you will go through.It's unique just like how you are different and special. Like how noone else is as similar as you are, no love is ever the same for it comes from the heart not from the brains.

Love blossoms and continue to grow with every season in every second. No matter how the environment changes, love may and may never change at all.

When love is spoken from the heart, you can't hear with naked ears but you feel what it speaks to you and understand not with your mind but with your soul..

Love hurts when you know not what is going on. Love hurts when you cant feel love no more. But love is the one thing that makes you stronger and more determined to find it through many means. And it hurts when it tests you of your inner strenght.

Love is what love is, honestly I am running out of words but it is something you can think about all the time... because Love is a never-ending story for love never depletes but grows..

People say, Love is an international language because it's a language everyone speaks and show- from the moment you're born for you're created out of love, and you'll grow with love and hopefully die with love.

Love is a thinking tool that doesnt use your brains but test your feelings deep within.

As much as love had inspired me to move on and continue my life as per normal, love has led me to being paranoil of what love will lead you to. Theoritically, love should lead to happy marriage, children and such. But marriage, for as far as I know, doesnt always last, and is not always a happy one.

Having experienced what I've had to experience, I became paranoid at the hearing the word - commited relationships. As much as I yearned for someone's love, I am afraid of being hurt, of being left unattended without a word.

As much as I know not all men are the same, I know ultimately they are - just men with dicks and balls. As much as I needed attention, love, care and concern, I do appreciate my private space and time alone.

As much as I've straightened out what I want, I still havent truly know what I want in my man. Maybe it's women's nature to have the best of both worlds.. But who doesnt?

I am confused with what I want, how I want it and when I want it... I need time, but sadly, time waits for nobody.

Yours Truly,
JMY

Time has come.....

It's the time of the year, when I gave too much and receive none... It hurts... It really does..

I can't even do what I need to do... Aint even enough to pay my school fees.. And it truly sucks the hell out of my back bone... Anyone with a special vacancy that can provide me a few hundred dollars once the job is complete?

This month is truly such a pain in my arse... Isnt enough with the stress and commitment at work, i now have to deal with 3 weeks of torment of not having enough for anything at all. No going out, unless someone gives me a lift to and fro, no purchase can be done no more... Nothing... None..

I just hope people learn how to pay debts on time.. I hate those who gives hope but fail to perform.. I just have had enough.. I truly have...

To all Muslims

Selamat Hari Raya.... Maaf Zahir dan Batin...

I went to Geylang.. after many many years of absence... Still the same as ever... Went with LN, met my other cuzzy with a cheena boy.. Huhu... the last I went, I caught my other cuzzy with his blonde hair.. And so, I went to Geylang just to spot my long lost cuzzies...

Wanted to do an exchange of vcd, but the shop was no longer there.. Bugger! But, a good walk I had.. And LN was half the time holding me to prevent people from banging the almost invincible me... Oh dear... Time to quit and gain..

Crappy entry this one, but am too tired to think.. Anyways, thanks to those who had wished me, to name some, Mid'K'night, Telletubby, Bhavani, WV, MA, Sharmie, and if I had missed out your names, please forgive me. I've been keeping this habit of keeping my sms mailbox empty for past month.. So, I have lesser memories to recall..

Ah... Tomorrow is such a drag... Can I just hide under my bed?

Anyway, Have a happy Holiday~~

To all Hindus

I would like to wish all Happy Diwali.. i know two minutes too late.. But still, Happy Holidays to those who took a Monday and Wednesday leave.. Unlike me.. a workaholic like always, working through the holidays, but someone I know is working despite the public holidays..

Oh well.... I cant wait for the gf reunion!!! Ooooo.. I love girls.. I do, I do!!

When a hand hits you....

When a hand came and hit the back of my head, I stared at the monster.. When a hand tried to slapped me, I defended annoyed, and just lock myself in my room..

Why couldnt the hand understand that I'm tired after the long day? Why couldnt the hand appreciate my return and not question the time of my return? Why couldnt the hand see that what matters is my safety and condition when I return and not how and when I return?

I hate the hand, but can't leave... I hate the hand, but without that very hand, I won't be here now typing this out..

I need to get my own crib...

I am a schizo~~

MG reckons I am a schizo.. And it must be true..

Schizo is a medical term for split personalities.. Just so you know..

Anyone know who to see for such a medical condition? The therapist? How much would it cost? Must be really expensive..

But, I dont think I want to cure this illness I have, I enjoy having one too many personalities in me. Kindda spice things up every now and then.

Oh, PSI read 150 yesterday at 9pm and has gone down to 27 this morning. Hope it stays that way, coz the high PSI will make my eyes go red, wattery and my nose filled with mucus, and my throat filled with flemn. Disgusting~ I know.. That's what haze does to me.

For once, in this week, I'm writing as who I am, or am I not? Hmm.. Oh well..

Trembles from my lips...

Can you feel the trembles within my body,
In fear of being caught, in fear of being seen,
Can't you see my knees go weak when you're near?
In fear of being touched, in fear of being loved.

My lips trembles as I speak,
But words refuse to form up,
You left me standing so weak,
As I tried to gather my strength up.

I hugged myself,
In attempts of feeling warm,
I kissed my knees,
In attempts of feeling loved.

I looked ahead,
Watching you smile,
And here I am,
Trembling again in fear.

Why do you make it so hard for me? I couldnt do much about this freak feeling I have of you.. And all you did was being like how we used to be, after so much that I've given and endured... You simply want me to forgive and forget?

This pain you caused, honey... It just couldnt be forgiven and forgotten in a snap of your fingers. I hated the sight of you as you've caused so much destruction in my life. I hated the sound of your name being mentioned. I just hated everything that has got anything to do with you. I almost splashed acid on your friends' face when he asked me about you.

There's no returning back, so can you please stay out of my life, now and forever and even in my next life. I simply don't wish to deal with you again for the rest of life. You're ruined. You know that!

And just a moment ago, I felt the same trembles from my lips.. But of a different kind.. I felt vibrant, energised.. I wanted to run to that man, but I know I wouldnt find the words and actions to do when I finally met his eyes in reunion. I wanted to just go up to him and smile, but I knew I wouldnt be able to find the answers if he asked. So, I stayed here in my crib.

Only to imagine what it would be when I finally have him in my arms, and him hugging me back warmly and lovingly. And how I would close my eyes, and hugged him tighter and wishing to never let go... Ah...

Dreams are dreams, and dreams ought to come true... Sometimes I wonder, if this feelings are for real, or maybe it's just an illusion... I don't quite know, but I do like the feeling.. It's like I'm winning a race of some kind... And it seems like people are cheering along...

The love and need in one's eye...

Can't you see the beauty behind those eyes?
Did you fail to capture the heartbeat beneath her chest?
Can't you hear the whisper of her voice saying your name?
Did you fail again to listen to her longing desire to be with you?

Oh how I wish, I could meet her needs...
But it's you she wants, it's you she cried for..
Oh how I yearned, to see her tears dry...
But it's only you who can make her stop...

It's been a long time... since I last knew of the real meaning of love.. So long, that I've forgotten how it is to love and to fall in love.. I forgot how to shower my love... It's strange how I can be with someone who's never around physically... It hurts, when you think of that person, and it hurts more to forget that person.

It's strange how easily I fall in another's trap, to provide and shower my all only to get their backs turned to me. It's strange how hard it is, to convince myself the truth of love from someone sincere, and yet fall weak at someone sly...

Why have I failed to see the truth in her eyes?
Why have I failed to hear her pleas for me to stay?
Why have you failed to stop my tears and pain?
Why have you failed to say those words in love?

The beauty in her face was clearly not an illusion,
The sweet touch of romance in her mind was never a lie,
Yet, you see her as another woman - just another female,
Yet, you hear her sincerity just as another musical...

Boy, I had to say... You had managed to capture her heartbeat to whisper your name in every beat... But, I had say.. You had also broken it to million pieces... I couldnt mend it, nobody can.. It was beyond destruction..

Till now, she questions me... What is love? And I couldnt find any words anymore.. For what I say was beyond my experience... for I, myself have failed to be in touch with love... Neither could I separate love from lust or vice..

Till now, she questions me... And till now, I havent found an answer...

You left me a kiss, a night, and another...
Just to leave and never return...
Am I to still be here when you return,
Or am I to leave and move on?

When the worst case is the best case....

I dunno about the rest of you, but I always have the worst case scenario playing in my mind in whatever I do. The list of consequences if the player does the play and when the player screw the play.

Often, we end up screwing up the whole directing part by being neglectful of what is happening, what is due and what is coming. Sometimes, there isnt much choice but to carry out the worst case, but you seemed to be able to do it just as perfectly unexpectedly only to wonder how you did it the next day.

I am sometimes drawn to go against the tide, to do what is forbidden became a habit for me. The more someone reckons and pushes me not to do it, the more likely it became to see me doing just the thing within the next hour or less.

My mind is wandering off my topic now.. She has gone to search for Mid'K'night.. of the things he is up to and what he is thinking right at this moment.. Wondering of his mysteriousness... Mid'K'night is someone, noone can truly understand, his thoughts are deep as his actions speak, someone who is just vastly different from the rest of the world, definitely someone who is drawn to risk, thinks like a poet, playing with words that sets the mind games going, who is humble and silent, noone truly knows who he is.... I havent quite figure him... not intending to, as I am pretty much addicted to his code of language, that leaves me wanting more than I can dream of.. and still, stay out of the way...

Ah... I guess I should stop thinking of him too much now.. It hurts sometimes.. He's forever busy anyway.. I shouldn't disturb him.. But I can't help but to whisper his name in my thoughts and when I see his smile right before my eyes.

WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!

When work collides with school....

Yeah, school has started.. 4th week of school has just ended.. And next week will be the revision week, then tests and quizzes will start pumping..

I had so much in my mind today... Those old times seems to take a crash course on me... I started recalling how Mr had been so much help... I recalled at how much we have hurdled... The amount of secrets shared, and everything else.. Of how much I really am forever thankful for, his sincerity, his pureness to help, his care and his concern, his will to motivate me... everything... And how fortunate his wife to have him now...

And now, it seems that I've grown more lonelier than ever before... It seems like there's truly noone out there who truly cares.. Yeah yeah.. Am in one of those moods again..

Now, my relationship life is in a total mess.. There's no real person in my life whom I can truly hold on to, calling him mine, or to be totally sure that he'll be there for me when I truly needed him most.. It seems that everyone is here for a ride.. They come and go as they please, or maybe it's me having them as and when I wish..

However it may appear, deep down inside, I truly am in need of someone real.. Someone who doesnt necessarily require or need to commit, but someone whom I can hold on to and depend on. Someone whom I can talk my feelings out with no boundary, someone whom I can dream with, someone who would guide me to the light when I'm in the dark..

It's strange that all the people I am attracted to is walking away from my world, and people whom I am avoiding is attracted to my dark world. And how every other guy thinks I'm too good for them and the rest thinks I aint worth to be with them..

Today, as I got into the bus after my night classes... I got myself into my small little dark world, unaware of what is around me, unwarned about what is due to me.... I sat alone, in the dark... Feeling so much in need, yet helpless.. Recalling the names of all the people that I wanted so much but have not.. and of those names that I once had but appreciate not... and of those names, that was once in my life but no longer is.

I was still my own little dark dark world now, and I see no light within. Simply sat alone, waiting for a hand to reach me. Someone who can truly understand my plight, and whom can relate to my experiences. Someone who would make me stop my nuisance and be a proper lady. Someone who'd be there to listen when I need to talk, and someone who would talk when I want to listen...

Oh where are thou, mysterious love?

Saviour me from this desirable torture, and enlightened me out of this loneliness...

Truth kills within

When truth was told, was it really what you wanted to hear? When truth was let in the open, did you once wished you hadnt told at all?

True, that honesty is the best policy to live by this life you had only once, but will this same truth bring you to where you want to be? Sometimes, this same truth murder away your dreams... Sometimes, it kills away your friends you love.. Sometimes, it just hurts another without having the intentions to.

Sometimes, this same truth, was interpreted wrongly and was read as some kind of a crude remark.

I have always be true to people around me, potraying my true colours.. I don't always get to meet their expectations... But at least I was being real. I am not exactly very proud of what I've been through, neither was I embarassed of what I have been through.

Sometimes, truth needs to be told, and sometimes never at all. I need a lifetime to story my lifeline. Some said, what's past is past.. I left it, to an agreement. Then again, would you really be out with someone with a dark complicated past, that would affect the near future.. It's not that easy to change for the better.. Past will haunt you, one way or another.

The past haunts you in many ways, in Karma.. directly or not. It hurts to see a replay going on around your surroundings... And to tell that you know what it feels like barely do make another party better, because one's experience is never the same with another. Sure, you can relate.. But to what extend?

If I had told you every truth I had in my life.... Will you still be there, giving me love and more? Or would you just stay around to make full use of my everything?

I am trying to paint the future with the most vibrant colours, while others try to smudge my fine lines, and dirty it with thumbprints and marks.. There's nothing much that I can do with a ruined piece of art.. But to simply kill the hatred by admiring others doing the work... It's inevitable, if you ask. If that art's too nice, you just cant keep your hands to yourself but to touch and see if it's really authentic.

I've been up late recently, unable to sleep, thinking of my past, my present and the future.. What will become of me? Who would come and be part of me? When will my heart beat again with someone's name, and will it last this time? Nothing is certain in life..

And so I stubbornly demand spontanity.. But how do I know if you're serious? You said we are just friends... Am I to hope for something that was clearly said was wasnt to be what it was I wanted it to be? I live for myself... And all I did was to make myself happier than I was before..

If doing that has your disapproval, then I would apologise.. Tell me the truth now or it shall never be told.. Do you or do you not, need me in your life?

Are you stressed out?

How stressed are you?

The pictures above are used to test the level of stress a person can handle.
One teacher said, "I felt like they were all moving...but slowly. Kind of like, they were breathing."

The slower the pictures move, the better your ability of handling stress. Alleged criminals that were tested see them spinning around madly; however, senior citizens and kids see them standing still.

FYI ... None of these images are animated - they are perfectly static!

I see them all move inconsistently (slow then fast then slow again) only when I move my eyes.. but still when i focus at one place.. I guess that means that I better manage stress when I focus on one thing.

Argh!!! My nose is darn itchy.. All red now.. I look like a clown now.. Darn.. Oh well..

An overdued Update

Ah.. Havent been in my greatest mood to update lately.. have been pushing it too much.. hee..

Apologies to all loyal readers.. Please enjoy this one long long entry..

A weekend up in KL was an okay-ish trip. Didn't see much except the beautiful sexy bikes and its riders.. Ah... Mouth-watering sight, indeed.

We took the train up from JB to KL. It took more that it should. First the train was late! It's scheduled to leave at 2330, but only arrived at 2345 and only left the station at 0015!!! The train was then delayed mid-way, yadayadayada.. Only arrived KL at 0930! We checked in at 1000, and the three of us left to watch the Qualifying round, while the other four stayed around and went to shop.

The moment we got off the taxi, rain just started pouring like the waterfall.. And the three of us, just walked through and take a second shower.. Haha.. We are all shivering.. And people are all staring at us because we are all drenched!

Then the Qualifying Round got delayed by an hour, subsequently another hour.. then after that it was cancelled due to some technical problem. A major disappointment for a first timer like me..

We all went to the Pit-Walk-a-bout. Met Makoto Tamada and Alex Hoffman. I've got the Japanese signature, and managed to snap some photos of both in my mobile. We went to see some stuff they have for sale... I aimed for the Kawa shirt and Capirossi's cap.. Indeed I ended up buying them.

We are all praying hard for a sunny tomorrow so we can watch the race and at least put this disappointment down with a smiling face. We got home, the apartment was empty.. The four of them still hadnt returned. I headed for the shower... changed and just slopped down on the couch and watched the TV with the news on. Two cameramen at Sepang was strike by lightning, but was safe and conscious. Then it says they'd take into consideration the time recorded during their free practice and so they say...

Then the four of them returned and the three of us headed out to fill our empty tummy and to fetch one of the boys' girlfriend. That night, we all were dead zombies walking down the streets.. Then we opted to smoke sheeshas.. We became dragons then, drunkened dragons.. Haa.. Just that we arent exactly drunk but walked like one as we are just way too tired.

Got home and I head for bed, but woke up hungry and got down to get some food, back to the apartment, ate, smoked, chatted.. then finally slept at 0200! Then woke up at 0700, woke the rest up and head for the showers. Ate breakfast, then off again to Sepang! One of them stayed back to do more shopping- crazy girl she was.

It was like a roller coaster ride for me. Was running and catching every corner. Getting a first hand watching them fall, trip and flipped! Ah.. it was the adreline rush that kept the heat and loud sound away from me, until the heat got too much of me, and my vision went black.. I had difficulties breathing and had to take a step back and away from the crowd. Two of them came by my side and accompanied me and sit where we can see the corner and remained there till the end.

A little upset that Capirossi didnt win, but was happy enough that Pedrossa made it third despite his injury. And the fact that Hayden didnt make it top three made my smile last. :)

Then we all sneaked in behind the scenes, and saw Marco Melandri, Alex Hoffman, Dani Pedrossa, Colin Edwards, Shinya Nakano, Makoto Tamada, Randy DePuniet and many more... I didnt managed to catch Valentino Rossi in person, but three of them managed to and even got him to sign his book.

Then we head to grab some food and back to the apartment, and ate a huge feast, then headed to bed.. And when morning came, it was time for me to get packing and on the bus home..

It was tiring.. But once in singapore, i had to rush home, get my stuff and head to school.. There was no break for me.. And the next day... It was time to work.. Ah..

This weekend when I thought I willl have enough sleep...I had to get my arse to the Goldsmith to fulfill my intention from last year... Then to some relative's place to say some prayers for good will as he just shifted then back again home...

And it's Sunday! I had to wake up and get my arse moving to the market with my parents..
Then went to Mama's house.. then home again... Here I am sleepy like a pig.. I am zzzzzZZZZZZzzzzzzzzZZZZZZ...

Rejection

Why do you always turn me down? Why can't you be out with me? Why do you feel that way? Why do you always say No when I want to meet you?

You said you aint got any money to be out with me, but have I ever raised the issue of who's having the money and who is to foot the bill? You said you have got face, and you ain't gonna lose it over a girl. Are you saying that I ain't worth meeting? I offered to help you, to pay for your means.. But you turned it down and say you're going out with another friend? Why is it possible to be out with other friends, but not me?

Who am I? What am I here for?

You made me feel a thousand emotions all at the same time. How do you do that? You wake me up feeling bad and good all at the same time, only to be left alone again for many days before you decide to ring me up again.. Even so, you did not ask how I was doing... You findled with my feelings and hope, asking if I want to meet only to say, No when I said Yes.. Wtf?

Who am I, really? I should have known better..

Still the same me, and always will be the same, if not stronger.

G'day!

Blood rising up...

And it's down and flowing..

A bad day today.. being Monday.. It was more of red than blue..

I burst it all, one person has money depleting, and another has too much not knowing what to do.. While another has noone around, one has too much that time alone was no more.. Humans, being humans... I guess I ain't human enough anymore..

I had nothing, then too much... And just when I am getting used to being something common, I was thrown again to something unfamiliar.. That I guess is just too normal for me.. I know not where the gush of adventure ran to..

I was once interested, now I'm more worried than excited.. Wanted so much to help, but I need help more than people I wanted to help..

Sometimes, I seek but find not. Sometimes, I found it but lost it all over again.. Understand me not, for I am not to be understood.. One goes away, far from me, only to return with someone new... And here I am, still alone in my dreams that goes broken.. One comes back with promises only to go home breaking it all with tears..

I guess... It's time to go.. but I can't for I have many, just too many to settle.. Unrest mind, lost soul.. Where are you, my feelings, my senses, my energy, my smile? Where have you gone? I missed them all, but I hate them all the same...

Once again, LOST..

Gave up

It seemed that everyone has been depleting from my life.. For one reason or another, one being after another decides to leave..

Now even Julian can't stand me.. failed me more than twice.. is enough..

Another lost post

After typing over 300 words about everything.. the post just died.. Darn Julian! I need a new machine!! Julian is doomed.. She's dying.. and she's killing me along! Darn you, Julian.. Geesh..

ROCK never DIEs

I went out last night, first stop is Temasek Club to meet up my ex-collegue. Introduced to his army buddies back in the 60s to 70s. Yes, there're all old chaps with children complete with grandchildren. I feel forever-young with them. Hee...

THE RIDGE BAND played life.. There're so good, but I strongly thinks that they're a little underpaid. THE RIDGE BAND are made up of all Fillipinos, a drummer, keyboardist, lead guitarist, bass guitarist, and two female vocalists. They used to play all rock genre, but has switched to more of show music, which means they are capable of playing any song you pick out of the blue. Be it country, sentimental, slow, rock, jazz, blues, whatever it is, I'm pretty sure they'd do it well. They has been around for three years in this profession, and has been playing at Temasek Club for 6 weeks on a 6days week basis. Their contract with Temasek Club will end Jan '07. They'll play from as early as 8pm till as late as 2am. I had a brief talk with them, asking if they'd come if I were to invite them to play for a party. One of them asked my budget for their talents only, told me they do not have the intrumentations and that I should provide them to perform. They asked about where the party is going to be held, for how long they are expected to play, how many people are going to be there, and all sort of questions that caught me off-guard... In all honesty, I haven't even give it all a thought!

Next, my ex-collegue's friend brought me to watch another purely Malay ROCK band, Maleex. It's really really the old time kind of Rock band, with long hair, bandanas on the thighs/knees/arms kindda people. I am so proud to have them still standing firm and doing well, no matter how hard it used to be, they still kept true and do the things they love. And they are friendly too... This band plays till 3am. So I didn't get to see much, only catch the last set of songs. They are great nonetheless. Truly salute my respects to them! WA CAYA SAMA LU LA~

Then we went to WoodStock, another rock band called FireBall. All Malays except the lead guitarist who is a Fillipino. They play till 6am. This time, I won't say much about the band or his members. I would talk about the people at WoodStock instead. It's a very new experience for me. It's filled with the whole young Malay population, I'd say three quarter of them has tattoos. The girls are no older than 25 I guess. On the dance floor, there're only two females and the rest of the space is filled up by the boys. Yeah.. All I see are boys dancing all over the dance floor. I was drinking iced water through out. These boys, are on a tight budget and still wanna have fun, for that reason they never asked a girl to dance with them, as it will mean he has to pay for her drinks, or at least expected to.

Then there was this guy who was beyong his drinking limit, he was way gone goner. Still, he stubbornly wants to dance with this girl, tried to kiss her, then attempted to go on the bartop to dance. Everyone including his friends were at standby just in case he falls on his back, his friends were holding his legs, and he start to imitate how the ladies danced earlier, the sexy pole dance, and it was just a pain in my eyes. Thank god, he didn't unzip or attempted to. And thank god, he didn't fall and make a scene. He still didn't give up the attempt to kiss and hug that girl, but some guy came to her rescue, pushed him away and pulling her behind him simultaneously. Then he got him behind this long table, then they left him alone, I kept my eyes on him, and seeing him try so hard to get out of there and to get near the girl just tickle my toes. Next I saw him, he was hugging his friend and it looked his he's taking a deep breath under his friend's armpit.

Then I hit home, I reached home at 6am... My parents threatened to chase me out, but I will just be more than happy to live on my own again. I will be.. immensely contented to simply live life the way I wanted to. The reason why I do this, going out and coming back late, is because I don't want to be filled with regrets when I get too old to do such again. I wanted to see things I've waiting to see. I don't want to stay home do shit, and lose out. I want to know all the possibilities in life. All the places I can go. I want to be travelling and do the outrageous before I settle down. I want to be sure of the things that I wanted done.

Is it wrong, to be wanting to experience it all? To be wanting to explore the things noone in your family ever tried? Is it wrong, to just be happy or wanting to be happier?

Fragile

It's painful, to see the amount of people coming in and out of my life... Telling me lies and slowly revealing the truth, in a way so harsh to accept. You gave me a hand getting up from my lowest pit, just to let me go and land deeper inside...

In the dark I sit, awaits another to help me again, and when the hand comes, I hesitate and I doubt, will he help me just to see me fall deeper and harder again? Or will he try and catch me so I don't fall again?

During this period of waiting in humbleness, I tried getting up, I tried getting out... But I fall again, to know that I'm all alone facing this world, that noone really hear my cries nor care.

Tears roll down my cheeks, never are they dry again. Reminding me that I have to be strong, to face this world all alone. To rid the fear of being afraid. To risk it all and be the top. To smile again even when I'm trashed.

I close my eyes, stayed in the dark, attempted to lurk out, to see my reflection once more.

Is there room for me to be happy and stay happy with companionship? Or am I worthless for a try so much that all I feel is betrayal after another?

Wakey wakey...

Get UP!!!!

What is wrong with you people?! Oh.. Haha.. Have you been looking for me? Yes? NO? Or ya.. I knew noone would look for me, and guess what?

I had FUN!!

5th - 6th Augustus 2006,

I went swimming, BBQ, and have so much fun that I just ermm.. Forgot to go home? Haha.. NO.. I didn't go drunk.. I was talking to a professor for screaming out loud..

Talking about nothing a Singaporean would ever lay their eyes on.. Something most Singaporeans are ignorant towards.

And that day, I saw more than 20 blondies, all blue eyed.. at one session.. Geesh.. It's like such a blondish weekend! They all speak Norwegian, which sounded like German+Spanish+French.. Yea.. Imagine the music running through my ears.. Hee..

And, to be honest, there are a few weird ppl.. One is so tall, he speak to us while holding the ceiling, Yes the ceiling!!! He must be 2m tall or something! There's one from India, his eyebrows are joined together, and he is a little weird, saw him dancing.. It made him much more than just queer..

And then there's one who's a Phillipines, but was brought up in Dubai. He's interesting to some end. He brought in wine, desperately asked people around to finish his first bottle, which in no doubt is perfectly beautiful.. He washed one glass honourably just for me.. Hee.. I am so honoured.. Gracious, Sire!

Oh well, and please don't ask for names, I am horrible at it, and yes, I don't recall any names at all! Apologies..

I enjoyed the weekend so much.. And I await for more to come.

Worried readers, worry no more for JMY is back in action! Yippeee..

Plans for the week:

Today is done, just to work and back home.

8th August,
There's an office warming after work, then dinner.
Also fireworks in the list! Must see..
Be back by midnight.

9th August,
It's a holiday in commemorate of the National Day.
Stay home, I guess, else I go to Ummie's house.

10th August,
Back to work. Might catch the movie using my freepasses.
Back by 11 if i catch the movie, else by 10.30 or earlier.

11th August,
Friday.. hmmm.. There're more Fireworks.. Might go see again, if I don't see enough on the 8th.

12th August,
It's the weekend, more fireworks.. If I still havent had enough I might catch it again. Hee.

13th August,
Time to choose the clothes for work week. And early night for MONDAY..

That's it. So stop worrying.. :p

I need positive eons..

I have been down, and have been staying down for too long..

I don't understand why I ended up in such a state.. Noone seems to help.. And someone just hung up on me, and never did come back to me..

I have no importance what-so-ever in anyone's life.. And maybe that is just so true..

I WILL NOT TOUCH MY MOBILE, and I WILL NOT BE CONTACTABLE..

Find me all you want, but don't make my life worse by telling me that it's all my fault, my own making.

Goodbye, have a nice day.

My top 5 list

My top 5 list why I don't need the freaking mobile...

1. No one will ever call or text me if I never did call or text them first.

2. No matter how long I switched my mobile off, noone ever will try to find me.

3. I only received 2 texts after switching my mobile off for at least 12hours and they are, "Call me back" and "Hi"

4. When I switched it back off and on after another 6hours, I couldn't resist but to text someone just to be reminded that other people have other important things to do than to meet my needs.

5. I felt lonelier with a mobile than when I'm without.

I felt like I'm just a waste of space.. It's like I deemed no right over my emotions....

Noone is ever around to console my tears back from flowing again.. Noone ever will be here with me to go through my downturns.. And when I couldnt make it by their side when they are going through all these.. They said I'm selfish..

Now, was it selfish, that I kept my feelings from the situation? Was it selfish, when I let myself go through hell just to see you smile? Was it selfish, when I gave you what I have and go through all the tough for you? Was it selfish, to think of your goodwill, more than mine? Was it selfish, not expecting anything from you? Was it selfish, to leave you alone, thinking you're busy? Was it selfish, to accept the harsh accusation you have for me?

Maybe it's selfish of me now, to dig on to the old past... But am I not deemed the right to think likewise?

Someone once told me, "Fair? You asking why life is not fair? take a look at your hands, are your fingers of equal length and size? So how's life gonna be fair?"

Another said, "Life's never gonna be fair, even after you have your fair share"

Question is, will my turn come?

My top 10 list

My top 10 list for staying at home....

1. I'm saving money.

2. I don't feel the need to go out, just to spend money that I need to save.

3. The people who are available to meet up will not guarantee that I'll reach home safe or has no means to guarantee that I'll reach home safely.

4. The people who have the means to get me home safely, stay too far away, too occupied, or not up to meet up.

5. I'm need to save more money.

6. Do I really need to go out?

7. I don't want to lose my parents' trust, once is more than enough.

8. I've got so many things on my mind that the thought of going out makes me tired.

9. I need sleep more than I ever need to get out.

10. I don't have the mood to get out of my room.

The first save money part is for my future machine. The fifth save money part is for my travelling plans.. It is not repetitive.

Yes.. I've got what I've been waiting for, but it's weird, because I don't feel all excited and up for celebrations like how I used to anticipate this day..

Maybe, too much has happened, so much so that a celebration is not needed. And such an achievement is more like a self achievement, only to be celebrated in one's heart and soul and with no other..

No, I'm not going to ruin it all by going all out to catch up with things that I've missed out. No, I have no plans whatever to stay up all night anytime soon.

Yes, some friends asked me to, but I have yet to accept nor decline. Yes, I'm planning to go MIA for a week or so, to thoroughly reflect the things I need done, and things I need to rid.

Maybe, I think too much... Maybe, I'm being selfish. Maybe, I'm just tired. Maybe, I'm just growing up. Or maybe, I'm being influenced..

Yes, it's time to sleep.... Good night readers..

When love becomes irritable...

Voices that raises and lead to violence. I heard it almost every other night.. No use for me to step in and stop for it only increase its activity.

Noone knows how much hurt it has cost, or how many tears are being squeezed out these eyeballs..

Volume on the radio increases to deafened up those voices.. Yet their harsh words remains ringing in my ears..

Even if I were to tell my story.. What benefit will it bring? It's about them, about my circle, about something so personal, noone can ever relate to...

I swear upon my life that no child after me shall go through any of these.. The hurt beneath simply never get cured or can ever be healed.. It just opens up old wounds and make it deeper...
For eternity these will go on, even death won't separate the pain caused..

One step closer...

I am a step closer and yet still a step further.. Excited.. But I have to wait..

Patience is virtue..

I will wait and I will emerge with a brand new person along with a brand new something.. Hee...

I am thrilled and unable to hold the pre-excitement any longer... Ahhh.. so close yet so far..

A huge boo-boo

What do you do when everything goes boo-boo at you? What do you do when the only thing that has the highest chance of making you smile again turn its back at you?

What do you do when you're given one chance to prove yourself and blew it all up in front of everyone?

I tried to laugh at myself... but couldn't.. I tried to console myself but failed... I simply let others mock at my stupidity.. It is just my luck, I guess..

I feel like punching my own face till it's beyond recognition sometimes...

This week is CRAP.. It's gone goner...

Boo sama dia, BOO! Boo ramai-ramai... BOO!

Boo hoo...

I wish you knew

Sometimes, I wished you knew...

Losing it all

Today was major.. I felt crap, I felt like I have cheated people, but feel cheated all at the same time, I felt like I've lost it all..

Watched ROCK in the afternoon after my self practice. I suddenly felt like there is more to life than just what I've had and experienced. There was more to everything that goes round.

Then I met Sharmie, today marks the first time, we walked separate ways, not feeling any better than when we first met eyes... It was an all out thoughts that run wild, of things that have affected us unknowingly, that the strong person on the outside is merely on the outside, that the fact was that we are not as strong as we thought we are, that we are breakable... We had just over estimated each other. Or maybe, we are just depressed, that some things just didnt go our way, and someone out there is just making it happen and have exactly what we wanted all this while, without even going through the hardache we went through.

It hurts, and at some point, we both almost let a tear down, but being a soul with a heart, we couldnt bring ourselves to break down in front of each other, we just smiled, stood up, and walked... And speak again... Just to remind ourselves that anything we say, however we say it, will only lead to a "then again" and the next sentence would be the first sentence that start the conversation. I left it..

I am still losing it.. I start to think of death, of how it will be when the time is up, and you are still not done with the things you wanted done for the benefit of the ones still living... What if, at this moment, I just collapse and die, with noone by my side, only to be noticed the next morning, when my body is stiff and hard? What if, I die, and noone cares? What if, one day... when you made it, the first billion and died.. Would your family and friends be there for my kind soul, or are they there for my money?

What will I do, if my closest being dies? Will I be able to stand firm and reassure the rest that everything will go fine? Will I be able to lead the rest to be calm and get over it? Will I be able to be there for them, will I be able to meet their expectations, or will I just break their hearts again, by breaking down?

Sometimes, I really think that noone cares about me as much as I would care for them.. Sometimes, I think there isnt much a purpose to live my ass off... Sometimes, I think I'm just here to be a toy for people around me to have something to play with.. To just put me on the shelf and admire, then to get to the next doll and play with it..

My head's heavy, too much on my mind.. I'm beyond losing everything.. I'm driving myself insane and into my very own grave.. I am.. I really am...

To think that noone can put down the fire inside me.. it was so very wrong... A small gush of wind, that's all it takes..

I am afterall, just another girl.. JUST another female being.. Another heartache, another grief, another burden... I am JUST me.. A piece of something in something.

Throwing myself away...

I find love....

JMY, you find love in a Secret Crush

You love the crush. It's that simple. Butterflies in the stomach, blushing when they walk in the room, coming up with plausible excuses to talk to them — it's the whole fantasy that appeals to you. Maybe you like having a secret and admiring someone from afar, or perhaps you're just shy when it comes to matters of the heart. But underneath all the cloak and dagger stuff, we wouldn't be surprised if there's a passion for all things mushy and gushy. Maybe that's part of your secret too.

In or out of a relationship, you like the idea of the ideal. That's what can make it so hard to take the first step to make a crush something more — you don't want to burst that bubble. But how do you know what will happen if you don't try? Maybe some secrets aren't supposed to stay that way.

-EnD-

Circuit Evaluation...

First trial was bad.. Hit the cone at the phlom, so immediate failure, then few other, like bad formation, wobble, wide turning, etc. Points accumulated excluding failure is 14pts, still fail..

Second trial was more cautious, failed to check traffic, wobble, and incorrect technique at e-brake. Accumulated... 8 pts! Hee.. I passed! Yahooo..

Applying for my PDL tomorrow, then will try book up for prac on Monday or something.. hee...

That all for today.. Hee. Am so excited.. hee..

Am BIG on Appetite...

Yes, since the last I smoked (my third day today), I have grown a huge appetite. I get really hungry almost every 2 hours. I ended up eating 4 semi-huge meals each day. Usually, small breakfast, huge lunch, and 2 servings for dinner.. And sometimes, I will wake up in the middle of the night hungry, only to go on my search in the kitchen for left overs before going back to sleep.

I think I better go for my shower, and get ready for another hunger call.. Hee..

See ya around.

Refusal to Understand

There're days, just too many, when I just refuse to understand myself. I refuse to speak and deliver the same language frequency.

Sometimes, I don't understand why I feel all queer. My feelings are different from that of my emotions. I can't even make out the difference, but they just don't tally..

Most days, I'll go laughing at my bruises. Some days, I go boo hoo and question myself why it happened and start blaming it all to myself..

NLA is off on her flight to Germany.. How lucky, how nice, how perfect her life is.. I just can't help but envy..

I think I've written something about this other collegue who is such a dumb dumb.. Well, I came up with a list...

Why the stupid idiotic collegue is stupid, illogical and an idiot :

She...

1) claims that she went to scan her two month bulging tummy and can see its little features.

2) she's stupidly stupid.

3) claims that she can feel its little feet kicking her bulging tummy.

4) she don't even know what she's talking about.

5) loudly announce to the office that she's going for an abortion.

6) she's shamelessly claims that her husband was in love with her at the first sight of her oversized butt.

7) asked NLA if the nurse will show her the aborted blood clot in her bulging tummy.

6) talks too much of personal and private things of herself that noone is or will ever be interested in.

7) she loudly speaks on the phone about retaking her 'N's (and she claims to NLA and I that she got top positions in class, yada yada yada)

8) complains about her own stupidity and mistakes.

9) she once told me, she visited a friend's father, and opposite his bed was a woman who has just delivered a premature baby..

10) she thinks of herself as well-liked, when everyone around her has one too many complaints about her.

Now, tell me.. is there anyone worst than her?

Oh well.. I have to say this : Thank God, she stops talking to me..

Why? Did I hear someone asking me why?

Ha.. Easy task that one. I just spot her stupidity on one of her stupid conversations, and left her trying to explain herself while I continue a constructive conversation with NLA.

Oh yes... I almost forgot.. I've an increment... yahooooo.. I can go sleep now.. Aaahhh..

Sweet dreams.

When being Stupid is no longer Funny...

I have a 3/4 stupid day today.. Must be due to the amount of food I had during lunch.. I couldn't budge from my seat, next my mind wasnt at work.. Start doing stupid mistakes at work...

Went over my sister's place, feel stupid and invisible... I left at 1915 to head down to my self practice.. By this time, I was much stupider and there's no turning back. I attempted to do the S Course, became a sore loser.. Crank course is okay, then the right turn, still okay.. Now time for the plank, i became an idiot, fell off, the shalom... no comment... off I go to up the slope again, and down, right foot down, feel like killing myself... There's so many things that I do in the circuit that will lead to me having immediate failures.. Oh, did the e-brake, i keep skidding the front tyres, without falling, still feel stupid..

Second attempt for the S course, better but still did like a perfect idiot, I was wobbling like jelly on the plank and almost hit the cones at shalom, It was shit throughout.. I am tellin ya.. I am such a stupid fool today.. Darn..

Got home, and ate again, and indeed a little too much, so I probably will wake up a little stupider than I already am.. Oh well, just hope my stupidity will make some people happy and entertained, for their smiles and laughter determines how my day will be..

Maybe, the fact that Germany lost to Italy has something to do with my performance today.. Oh well.. Better luck in 2010 Germany!

Signed in Stupid, left as an Idiot..

Night.

Taking a ride.....

WV picked me up today with a bright yellow small little car.. Hee...

His poor friend at the back... Went to Ubi to get his friend's bike fixed, he is the mechanic... When all is fine, we left his friend there to ride his bike home.. Then we drove around for awhile, went to get some MCDees.. Then we go driving again...

He kept exitting at the wrong places.. I guess I was too much of a distraction..

Then he sent me home. I was home by 9...

Oh.. WV knows my favorite uncle quite well.. Sets me thinking sometimes.... Maybe it's him.. Then again, maybe not..

Oh well, let's just leave it.

Then, Edy asked me to follow him and gang to Sepang in September to watch MotoGP.. And yes yes I will go with it.. Need to save up now!

Am going out of Singapore every month from September onwards.. Hee..

November if all goes well, I'll go with my gfs to Thailand, and I'll go on my own dare to travel alone in December, I'm starting with either Genting or Cameron first.. hee.. Subsequently, it'd get further away..

K9's health is improving or so he says..

Nothing from MA, maybe it's fun at school or maybe not.

Mr said all letters are sorted out, and I will need to mail his letters up to Rotterdam... It'd cost me a little gem... But oh well, have to GET IT OVER WITH..

Parents are doing well.. Happy that I've been coming home before 9 lately..

Sharmie called me last night.. Spoke for awhile, then she got another line to attend to.. She's sick too.. Got the flu I think..

NLA on MC today, got herself stomach virus.. Then she's gonna be away whole of next week.. She's going to Germany.. How nice how nice.. I envy her... Darn..

Me? Still the same.. SP tomorrow.. Kindda excited..

The call...

The person who said is my Guru.. it happens to be BBDC.. I had to laugh my head off for freaking myself out for no reason.

Reason why they called? Ha! B'cos I scanned in my name, got my attendance taken, and then dissappeared.. Since I'm covered under their insurance they are afraid if something happened to me.. Ha!

Anyway, I'm going intense for my Circuit Evaluation. Going to go for 2 self practices. Booked them all already. One on Wednesday, another on Monday then my Evaluation on Friday.. Hope to passed at one go. So am crossing my fingers all week.. hee..

Time for an update.. Nothing much about me, so let me see what my friends are up to..

WV is picking me up tomorrow... He asked me to do up his resume..

K9 is getting well.. Hope he regain his full health as soon as possible..

MA's first day of school today..

NLA got a ride from her gf who bought her own car...

Mr hasn't returned my mail.. Dunno what to do about his letters...

Okay, now I remember what I did today.. Hee..

I finished work at about 6, head to the train, went to ask the optician to repair my specs.. He said he's gonna take half to an hour, so I left my mobile number so that he can call once it's all done.. I got home.. Then dad came after, all shocked to see me in my room.. haa..

Funny how parents always react, they nagged when I got home late, they are shocked and would asked why I'm home early if I am sitting at home before them.. Oh well..

Oh, my hair's browner and has got more volume (more curls, I think).

I miss Sharmie... She didn't return my texts, didn't call me.. Wonder what's wrong.. or maybe her Prepaid ran out of money.. Oh well..

Gotta sleep now..

Gute Nacht!

Mom knew...

Mom have found out about my riding! Hee.. I think my dad just let the cat out for one reason or another, she seemed okay.. She hasn't nagged at me, but have sighed her worries to my aunt when she went over to my sister's house.. Haa...

Alas, I don't need to go on hiding.. Hee..

The previous post has been editted to protect the safety and privacy of the unnamed species. Or maybe, like my mom says, don't let others know too much.

By the way, I've been getting prank calls lately. That person even called my house and asked for me. Strangely, it only will happen when I cannot answer the calls, i.e,he calls home i'm not at home, calls my mobile when I'm doing my prac, or was in the toilet.. And he won't call again when I returned to my phone. Strange..

This guy apparently said he's GURU... Dunno what the freaking bit he meant by that for I don't have any sort of GURUs, apart from my parents. He has both my home and my mobile. Texted WV, just in case it was him playing tricks.. But it wasnt him.. Don't know any other clowns who would go to that extent.. His number that appear on my mobile even has resemblance to some satanic numerics.. It's scary sometimes, but what the heck?! It's Singapore, if it gets too bad, I can always report it up and have some kind of PPO or something along that line.

Oh, one thing that made me happy today.. MY hair is curlier than usual today.. It appeared really nice.. I'm attracted to my own hair.. hee.. So gorgeous... hee..

I need to get my Yearly Planner!! Urgh.. Time's running OUT.. 5 more Wednesdays to go...

Can't wait.. =D

Dum di dum...

My relatives have been bugging me the question..

I have yet to give them my answers.. So let's see..

Mom asked if I have my own personal choice of men, said I don't coz I've lost interest since very long ago.. I said, I'd rather go with her choice since I've had always go against her...

Life is getting a little more intriging.. Am still wondering who was the first person to have pushed the topic up...

I don't know.. Just now when I attended my second cousin's wedding, my uncle asked, "Don't you wanna have your own kids?" out of the blue just like that.. I answered without thinking twice, "Yes I do, but who's going to be the Father?"

And he left it there. Maybe he has just the Man.. I don't know.. Let's just see eh...

Wo ist der lieb?

Sometimes I wonder, where the feeling of being love and wanting to love has gone...

I just couldn't accept another being anymore, it suddenly feel so uncomfortable to hold hands, to hug, to kiss.. It just seemed so unacceptable now. I felt like I'm being used, so is made to be used.

I don't feel the need anymore, it seemed like love is so disgusting suddenly. I am just contented with my own work, my own life, and memerized myself in the love among my friends and no more than that.

Asked WV to pick me up as I need to collect my prepaid from Sharmie at Yishun and I have no grounds what-so-ever of how to get there and she can't make it out to meet me up due to time constraints. So WV picked me up and he sent me up to Yishun then back home.

That was simple, being friends, nothing more, just sit and talk about things that make you laugh and think of nothing more. Life is already complicated and love seemed to have made it even much more than just complicated. It's so much clearer and simpler when we put our cards on the table and state clearly what we want. And it's fun when that other party understand your needs, but it's mere hell when the other party thinks he understand when he wasn't even paying attention to any word I've been saying. It's worse when he asked me what I've just explained to him before.

It's hard to say, I just don't understand why some tend to push it further. It's worst when they don't realise that he's pushing and is pushing me even further away...

Sometimes, I yearn to set my own family up... Sometimes, I yearn to be alone and never have to think of another person before myself, then again, I've always put everyone else above me. It's hard to explain what I want, some thinks I'm just taking advantage.. Others think I'm easy and takes advantage of me, and when I turn the table around, they tend to say I'm a hypocrite or worst, a slut..

It's hard being me, I'm not an open book to read to start with. It's not easy trying to understand me. I speak of a language barely anyone understand, I see things that not many will catch, I think of things that noone will ever get their minds on, I hear voices that noone listens to and I feel stinges of death where noone will be..

If it's hard just to understand me, then how will one handle me and my unpredictable character and mysterious traits?

die Sache ist die, ich brauche aus den Schwierigkeiten herauskommen.... Ich möchte meine Ruhe haben, Bitte nicht stören! Lassen Sie sich nicht abhalten!

Leb wohl!

Sisters' Day Out...

Met Ummie first, she wanted to go FES to get her bag and wallet before heading to Mama's place. Got there, but instead of going to FES, we went to Isetan.. She found a suitable bag, found a close matching wallet, then ask me to choose one for myself.

This I did, and she bought it and says that's my Birthday Present.. How nice of her.. Hee.. Got new wallet.. Yeay! Hee..

Then, I don't know how, but time went passed, and it's time to go.. Sharmie texted me, so I met her at CG for awhile... Talked and before I know it, it's time for me to leave..

Got home, gave Mom the milk Mama bought for her.. Then I'm sitting here online, then I received a rather bad news..

What will you do, when someone you cared for texted you and say he/she's not well, having high fever, hospitalised or need some help? I would have ran to him/her and nurse him/her back to norm.. But thing is.. I can't... I am forbidden to..

I know I would do it for anyone, regardless of who it is. A friend, a family, sworn enemy, or someone more.. they are still human and they do deserve help if they ask... It's not about returning a favour or expecting a favour in return, it's about human kindness..

I wish I could do more than just sit here, and pray for your best health. I wish I could do more than just texting you back health advices...

Just a thought..

Everyone, will at one time, wishes he/she is someone else. It's a fact, do not argue.

I was at one time wishing I have a different set of parents, different race and even religion.. I once wish I am someone popular, famous and filthy rich, then I learnt it was not always that easy. I learnt to accept the way I am... But I honestly still wish I was the least a little richer than I am. Who doesn't? You see, the rich always get richer, leaving the poor to be poorer.. It's freaking true.

The poor sacrifice with empty stomachs, without shelther, working their arse to get a dollar to buy bread and eat that for the week. The rich got more than just one shelter, they could buy whatever they see appealing, bought expensive food to waste, get free admissions, get VIP seats, receive unlimited attention, gifts from everywhere, free flights after travelling loyally with certain airline service.. there are many other priviledges these rich people get that noone beneath their financial status can ever lay their hands on. And their bank account keeps growing, with the best interest rates.

The poor, bank account could never reach the minimum because they couldn't afford, and the bank will deduct a certain value because they don't have the minimum amount in their savings.. And soon their bank account will be terminated. They couldn't even get anywhere near anywhere, because everywhere they go, they get chased out because they ain't got money. They sleep on the streets, begging for a little space to sleep. Sadly, these people.. they often misuse the help people offer and tend to depend on help too much once they do. I would say, not all of them, but most of them, because they never seen much money, or get any form of privilledge, and when they do get to lay their hands on a big sum of money, they tend to buy the most unneeded things.

Oh well, I'm getting off my point.. Let's get back on track... What truly makes every individual different? The way they are brought up, where they grew up, how they live, who they meet, mainly, it's the unique brain cells that sets them thinking set every person different.

Men and women think differently. Men often show physical affection because they don't understand the language of women's emotions. Women often put physical affection with the emotions too much. I agree not everyone's the same. There are cases where it's vice versa, where the woman did not want any commitment and just do what makes them happy, and have the man being so committed and sets her to boredom.

Maybe it's the fact that I have experienced the good and bad of a marriage that makes me freak myself out when I find myself in a commited relationship. God knows what I want. Honestly, I am at lost sometimes.

All I want is to have fun and just run away from any relationship commitments. I'm not saying I don't need love, affection or companionship. Oh hell ya, I want some form of companionship where love and true affection exists. I do want to spend my life with someone whom I'm comfortable with, but not now, not anytime soon. In fact, I don't wanna be thinking about it.

I just want to be with someone fun, interesting, where knowing that person just leads you to not knowing him at all, where there's always something about him that you have yet to know. Maybe because I am like that.. No one really knows what I'm thinking. And I rather it stays that way, but sometimes, it just irritates me. To have someone who keeps repeating himself bores me.

Some people think they know me, and can handle me with their tiny finger.. They don't realise I am bigger than my physical size. There's so much more about me that they just don't see and won't see. There's so much more about me than just what they see. I am complicated in my ways, and that's my life. I need debates, disagreements, discussions... though there are times when I only need a listening ear.

I live in a world of mysteries, waiting to be uncoded. Some are easy to hack, some will just pass you the fatal virus. I want to explore the whole world, know everyone, then erase my existence in their memory when I think the time is done.

I am cruel, I am a bitch, say what you want... I accept it with gracefulness for I know I am imperfect, and I probably don't deserve any form of happiness, but one thing I don't owe anyone to is My life. I decide who I want to be, where I want to end up at, and how I'm going to go about it.

No one forces me into anything, I do it at my own will and I will stop at my own will. I won't settle down for the second best... I don't want to be regretting all over again. I will be here, stay by your side, but I can't be there forever... One day I have to leave.. The day when God calls me up, I will go and noone can prevent that....

I need a break.. Don't cloud my judgement, don't haze up my mind... It's already dark, don't make it worse..

Darkness within the light is where I truly belong.. And so be it... A good switch once in awhile is great, but the light hurt my eye...

Not a fantastic June

Naa... This month isn't any good...

It clashes with my name, and it got me penniless. My mom ironed my clothes and one of my favorite smart all white shirt was burnt. Oh well.. It's just not my month..

Went for touch, just got home, ate and showered... It was great at touch, but I barely did catch up with any of the guys, mainly because it has been ages the last seen or spoke to them, besides.. There are so many new faces whom I've never spoken to... So it's almost back to square one where I have to get to know all of them again. A few ol' lads chat up with me but I was the least interested.. Not because I'm losing the interest to play, but too many other thoughts are clouding my mind.

I had a few catches and touches this time, I slide to the hard ground.. OUCH.. But that's cool.. At least I didn't drop the ball. I'm going to play for this year's comm and asian masters this year.. 15th and 16th July would be the Masters and BUCKS is putting in a women's team. The whole of August would be the NTL's comm.. I'm all in and fully booked by BUCKS..

Simon Stacey was shocked to find me puffing.. He said I don't look anything like a smoker.. Oh well.. Looks are deceiving if you hadn't know.. I didn't touch a drop of beer that's going out free.. (It was sponsored by BREWERKZ) Simply don't feel like a Beer, besides, I am not a Beer Person.. It stinks, and it taste horrible... Yeah, screw me, I haven't learnt the art of drinking beer and I never will.. I've got expensive taste buds, nothing I can do about that! Ha!

Ken M sent me home. He's gonna have dinner with his nephew who came to stay for a holiday. I dare to say, he's the only one who made me feel home with BUCKS.. He always makes the effort to make sure I'm okay and comfortable. I don't know, he's just the kind of person who will make anyone's day... Or so I think..

I ain't going for the jamming session today, am tired, and it's getting dark here... If it rains, I'm gonna sleep and wake up next morning. Now, don't go calling me a sleeping pig, it's the weekend and it's the only time that my parents made it legal for me to sleep extra long hours!

Another puff, a cup of tea, a conversationg with mom and dad, then I'll be off to Lala Land..

G'day!

Riding weakness and strength

I noted all my weakness but fail to note my strength actually...

Had a quick but useful chat with the instructor. My weakness is mainly my eyeline; figure of 8 and e-brake; I need to change the habit of looking down. I should play with the rear brake and not rely entirely on the clutch and trottle.

With practice, (as said by the instructor) I will be fine. He reckon I should do self practice just before the circuit evaluation and get my confidence and eyeline right. Another useful tip... If you know the lower cut seat bikes are limited, do your booking of the bike by putting your helmet on the desired bike.. Ha! Bet no one knows that he/she can do that!

My next prac would be riding with and as a pillion, doing the test route. I will enter the circuit, head to the slope, turn right straight to figure 8 and crank course, then to the right turn junction and head to the narrow plank, pylon and e-brake then out of the circuit. Should do okay.

Sharmie is like 3 pracs ahead of me, she has already hit the roads.. I have a competition, but I can't afford to go as often as she does.. Time is limited in my hands, so I will just do what I can and put my best, wish and pray Sharmie will make it and get her license as quickly as God would allow her to. Then, I have a chance to be her pillion and get her to send me to the driving school so I can go for my prac.. Hee..

I can't wait for The Day.. The sound of it is already exciting... I can almost taste the fun...

Oh just a quick one, Mr is going to be a FATHER.. Woo hoo! Congratulations, Dude! And Mrs, don't let Mr bully the little ones with confusion.. He loves to confuse kids and will get their brains all tangled up.. heee..

Also on news, MA starting school on 3rd July.. So many things I didn't know.. Cooks have to wear boots.. safety boots... Yeah, must be those shoes that a knife can never cut through.. Hee..

Another news, WORLD CUP... My bet, the champion either has to be Germany or Brazil.. Germany amazingly did quite well, considering that their defence are pretty hmmm... beautiful?
Next on news, ME... yes Me... Caught again by CP.. This time, I was singing.. Unknown to me that it was loud and can be heard by him.. Oppsie.. And the RC, the guy who look like someone I admire.. It's his last day at work today.. So sad.. His smile and the man I know is so so alike.. I'm gonna miss The Smile.. If I had known, I would have probably stood by the printer and look at him for as long as I can possibly admire.. (And.. that would freak him out causing him to leave right away....)

Oh.. lastly, NLA has been proposed!! Congrats girl! You're such a lucky lady! A bouquet of roses, a romantic dinner and a proposal.. How sweet... Awww... She's got the diamond ring on her engagement finger.. It's such a sparkle for a beautiful lady like her..

And guess what? 6 more Wednesdays to go.. Woohoo!

I'm gonna go touch touch and score tomorrow.. Fill myself with energy just to burst it all out.. Dunno if tomorrow's jamming is still going on.. Texted S but no reply yet.. Sunday is Sisters' Day Out... It's not always that we sisters are all free to catch up.. Can't waste that day...

Feel like swimming after my touch training... But we'll see...

Somethings.....

Some things...

They just couldn't be the same....

Some things...

They get sensitive and change...

Some things...

Beautiful as it seemed.. is not always as beautiful on its whole....

Some things...

Are just best to be left untouched unseen and unheard...

Some things....

Appear the same, but different altogether...

Some things....

You just can't handle, and one of those is me...

In Touch with Touch

Yes.. I'm back in action..

The field was wet, stinky and in such a pretty sight. A few slides, a few splashes... What do you get? Dropping balls, Struggle to run(or even just to walk), shoes being stuck in the mud(often, the shoe will pull your feet and you couldn't even budge).

I walked home like a bull out of nowhere, covered with mud, smelly stinky sticky, got the stares.. but who cares?

Parents looked at me with their mouth opened... It shows that it has been a really really long time the last I came back home in that condition.. I head to the showers, and indeed, in this condition.. I just have to be in the shower for the whole hour almost, cleaned my shoes, clean the toilets, clean myself, clean my hair, clean my face, clean my body again, clean the toilet floor, pour excessive water in my shoes, drown my dirty clothes, clean myself again, soap myself, shampoo, cleanse soap and shampoo, put on conditioner for hair, wash face again, cleanse face and hair again, soap body again, and cleanse myself.. tadaa... CLEAN ME!!!

Dinner, ate.. and quickly am hungry again.. Tired, I might just sleep, but so hungry.. hmmm.. Milo should help..

Oh yeah... Any grabbers for Robbie Williams' Concert Tickets?

20 06 2006

Perfect numbers.. but not a very nice day to wake up to....

Raining... Cold.. Shiver...

Sleepy head, snoozing mind, heavy eyes...

Thoughts swimming through my mind....

News got into the day's picture....

Naughty images, screaming discrepencies....

Major disputes, of two minds of one body...

Zooming past, moving fast..

Drooling off to a new dimension, a different world...

Give me peace, bless me please...

Each day different, tomorrow to be better than today..

Monday Bloody Week

It's the start of unwanted blood flow.. No spills.. No smudge.. Just unbearable pain and discomfort.

Time to sleep, falling deep, slipping off, dreaming of.....

Wish for time to speed, blow off all misfortunes, turn the table round, make me float, amidst this fancy dream, with fun and no love.

Breaking free, smiles and laughters, no tear, no fear...

Good night.

seventeen june

It was still today. Nothing really moved, except the decending number in my bank account. It was decreasing so much, I was broke even before my first week of pay past. Felt hopeless.

A new phone I have, a new savings investment I own, but nothing seemed to brighten my day... Everyone seemed occupied, and when a good friend called, it seemed that I am occupied. My parents were talking again, but even they have no words to voice to me.

Went to my sister's place, she was occupied with clearing up the little mess that was left at her new home... Children was busy having fun annoying each other... Fell asleep, was joined by my niece.. Soon, it was time to leave..

Wearing my best lingerie doesn't seemed to make my day anymore. Texted some other, who doesn't seem to know what to reply and never did return my text. Checked my mail, not much.. A good chuckle, but I missed how time passed with a big smile that stays throughout the week.

Tomorrow is another day to get by before a new week begins all over again. It seemed impossible to breathe sometimes, but I am glad I was kept occupied with things to do, else the thoughts that go haywire at times.

I wished I knew too sometimes... I am still thinking about it, but it didn't make change how I see you. Good night. May your dreams be as wonderful as how I wished it to be.

I did it again.. Hee..

I bought a phone to replace my fast droping pricey Panasonic phone. Bought it last October at SGD500 and now I can only sell it off at SGD100.. So I bought a NOKIA, which most people would have agreed about their prices not dipping down that fast. Topped up another SGD150 for it.

It looks like a small tiny puny camera from its behind and a mini phone on its front. Slide it up to see its keypad. Just hope it doesnt betray me with a big dip of price in near future, even so, I would have got another phone.. Hee..

Wanted to trim my hair, but thought I should be home early for once. Am planning to take up that MoneyBack thingy at the Bank at abt 8am, then go for my appointment which is at 10am, give my old phone box for the mere $20, then do my hair treatment at JE. I should be out of done by afternoon, say 3pm. Am totally free after..

Not going for touch tomorrow, as it's been brought forward to 1230 and I wouldn't want to rush, plus, they are all going drinking while watching some games I dunno about.

My Sony Ericsson is at the service centre waiting for its surgery date. It should be discharged by end of the month. Just hope it gets well soon, miss it already.

Gotta go now.. Need my sleep...

As I fall deeper into my sleep, I will dream. As I dream, I will see you with arms wide open to greet me nice. To have your lips pressed against my head, to hear you whisper, to listen to your every breath, to look up and see your lips curl into a smile.

I will remember the words you send to me, like the winds gushing through my hair. Lifted me up and let me stay, and go away slowly... Just to make me yearn for more. And you'd come back, and keep coming back again, to remind me that you're there, and always will be there...

Of all people, why must it be you?

I was bad yesterday, not knowing what was on my mind but knew my head was heavy with thoughts. I was average today then one had to go and another spoiled my day completely, but thank god the day is ending.

I just can't get over the fact that of all people, it had to be you. It was so wrong of me to think that you got what I meant, but you didn't. You weren't even near it.

Of all people, why must it be heard by that pair of ears that don't even deserve a single word about me? Of all people, why must You fail me? Of all people, why must it always be me at the losing end?

I'm looking forward to something so near, yet out of reach. Maybe I planned too much ahead...

When what you see ain't what you always get....

It's strange how some people think I am ready to commit or look for their commitment in me...

I'm no normal typical gal you see on the road, who are insecure, unsure, or need a source to depend on. I am not someone who is able to commit or want anyone near me to commit just because I find it too much of a hassle. I don't wish or intend to depend on anyone around me, because I believe I can stand on my own to feet and survive every ups and downs independently.

I'm no typical gal, who sits at home, cook and produce kids. I'm someone who have dreams to accomplish. I see myself working my arse, earning money enough to splurge at everything I see. I see myself driving my own car, ride my own bike, and own my personal apartment.

I see myself enjoying myself, partying with my girlfriends, smoke and drink all night, and sleep till the sun comes down to get the hang over out of the body. I see myself, successful both at work and at play.. and be known for my mysterious way of things...

Till I see you again. Good night.

When night came.....

When night came, when the atmosphere evolved to another mystery, it was perfect the moment it start to differ till it starts to dissapear away with the alarm that was set.

My bed seemed nicer to lie on, but it seemed too big now. Somehow it has got too much space for me to even think of the much needed sleep to recharge. It seemed like I was tranced into someplace different, like I was hypnotised for a few hours and was suddenly brought back not knowing what had happened.

With you I dream of, in a world so different that is here. Some place where I truly belong, to be shared by only one and noone else. To a shagpad where noone else will ever dream of, where the world evolve around our souls.

To walk a journey only we exists, where no one can tresspass without being prosecuted. To be with your better half, your soul and your mind.

This is the dream I was to make true.

Trancing past reality and into my dreams, once again....

Till I return to where my feet is touching.

Punished in silence.....

It isn't the harsh word you throw but the silence you refuse to break that ache my heart. The time when you refuse to talk, text or even see me again. The thought was bad enough that almost made me trash.

I tried to keep myself busy.. Today, Mr is getting married today in Jakarta.. No, he didn't tell me. I got to know from many other voices from different lips. The waves are high and hard on me the moment i receive news.. The fact that I had to ask, to find out and not to be told. I wondered why, but I know it's useless.. Call yourself a friend and you don't even do what a friend would do. You never shared this great news. You hid everything from me, everything that everyone else have known but me.

And you walk away, and I let you walk right out. So, please. Keep to your word, if you wish to walk away, then don't look back or even think of coming back and expect things to go back to how it was before. If you don't want to go, then keep it to your word, be a proper friend and spare me the shame.

My phone is also giving me the silent treatment. Nothing from anyone.

One thing good yesterday.. I spoke to Sharmie, not of secret affairs, but of what the world is becoming, and what it had made us. The impact of men making use of us, made us too independent to even think of depending on others, made us programmed to do everything by ourselves without anyone else to put in their smallest energy.

It isn't like we are Men-Hater or anything close, just maybe we simply stopped making men the main subject in our daily life. We both maintained the distance, easily contented and ready to bitch about it a little before we stand up and walk with the current.

I hate being too serious, I just wanna have fun and enjoy the breezy night.

I am back since you re-appeared.

The simple pleasure of hearing to old records that brings nostalgic memories. The smile before the fall, the anxiety before the routined boring week, the sad look when everything is over..

I typed as I get back to track. In my mind, it speaks in the world of art. Bear with me, with the way I deliver a simple message as I weaved it with beautiful words.

A great deal of dilemma hit me, as I silently felt the rush against my skin. As my heart beat fast to keep up, I closed my eyes and saw your face smiling as you run your fingers through my hair. I saw your lips speak my name, your eyes engaged into mine. But as suddenly as you would appear before my eyes, you were gone by the light that entered my eyes as I lift my eyelids open.

You have been there and had seen me in my worst, the wreck that Skinny R had caused. You saw how hard I tried to move on as he continue to haunt my life. Then Mr came, with high hopes and promises... And he too went gone, the moment I delivered my desire to be the woman without a man, to be free and easy. Then he went gone, and found his woman. And here I am still in the lost. There was noone, as good as how Mr had been.

I felt the sudden need to buck up eversince you start appearing back in my dreams, hinting me.. Telling me my life is to change, that I have to return to where I once was, free and easy. To be true to myself, with no lies and just be the way I am. You brought back my smile and heart continue to beat fast as you appear in someone's else body. The feel was different, the feel was encouraging, dwelling to succeed.

I care not what was to come, I knew you would do it right for me. And I trust my life in your hands. The sight of you make me want to burn and grow the flames to fire. To stay lighted, I have to maintain my distance, the greatness of mysteries. To indulge in another mystery after another. The neverending adventure, unpredictable, unseen, and unexpected.

And I knew why God put your misery down before you can even see how the world works. You're too precious a gem to even go through this hard work. God made you my companian, to guide me and to lead me to the best I can and should have. You're the only reason why I'm still sane, for I want to make you proud for having a strong woman who truly deserves your energy to run in hers.

Please don't go, not now when I had just started to indulge in your goodness.. I will fall at your feet if you demand so. I swear.