Losing it all

Today was major.. I felt crap, I felt like I have cheated people, but feel cheated all at the same time, I felt like I've lost it all..

Watched ROCK in the afternoon after my self practice. I suddenly felt like there is more to life than just what I've had and experienced. There was more to everything that goes round.

Then I met Sharmie, today marks the first time, we walked separate ways, not feeling any better than when we first met eyes... It was an all out thoughts that run wild, of things that have affected us unknowingly, that the strong person on the outside is merely on the outside, that the fact was that we are not as strong as we thought we are, that we are breakable... We had just over estimated each other. Or maybe, we are just depressed, that some things just didnt go our way, and someone out there is just making it happen and have exactly what we wanted all this while, without even going through the hardache we went through.

It hurts, and at some point, we both almost let a tear down, but being a soul with a heart, we couldnt bring ourselves to break down in front of each other, we just smiled, stood up, and walked... And speak again... Just to remind ourselves that anything we say, however we say it, will only lead to a "then again" and the next sentence would be the first sentence that start the conversation. I left it..

I am still losing it.. I start to think of death, of how it will be when the time is up, and you are still not done with the things you wanted done for the benefit of the ones still living... What if, at this moment, I just collapse and die, with noone by my side, only to be noticed the next morning, when my body is stiff and hard? What if, I die, and noone cares? What if, one day... when you made it, the first billion and died.. Would your family and friends be there for my kind soul, or are they there for my money?

What will I do, if my closest being dies? Will I be able to stand firm and reassure the rest that everything will go fine? Will I be able to lead the rest to be calm and get over it? Will I be able to be there for them, will I be able to meet their expectations, or will I just break their hearts again, by breaking down?

Sometimes, I really think that noone cares about me as much as I would care for them.. Sometimes, I think there isnt much a purpose to live my ass off... Sometimes, I think I'm just here to be a toy for people around me to have something to play with.. To just put me on the shelf and admire, then to get to the next doll and play with it..

My head's heavy, too much on my mind.. I'm beyond losing everything.. I'm driving myself insane and into my very own grave.. I am.. I really am...

To think that noone can put down the fire inside me.. it was so very wrong... A small gush of wind, that's all it takes..

I am afterall, just another girl.. JUST another female being.. Another heartache, another grief, another burden... I am JUST me.. A piece of something in something.

Throwing myself away...