I want to change....

Blowing your nose every 5minutes makes your nose so red and it HURTS... And you just feel like plucking that irritating runny nose out your face even after knowing how ugly it would look without a nose...

What's with the title for the day? Well.. I wanna change my family's cycle.. I wanna break that stupid mentality in my family that has been installed for many decades. I wanna be what I wanna be in whatever way I wanna do it by wherever I feel like. I wanna do something that would simply slap my extended family's face so hard, they won't even dare talk about me or look at me in the eye.

I dunno what got into me but I was giving Mr some shit to put up with over my family issues.. That is so unfair, I know that and I'm all guilty.. I should stay firm and all with what I want, really.. with my parents at least. My parents and extended family 'authority' (i.e. Grandma, her favorite daughter, my Aunt Milah and her hubby and her two children-they are my grandma's favorite) are a bunch of a nuisance sometimes.. the ones in brackets espeacially as they are poisoning my parents into not trusting me because I'm "bad" as in I had suceeded in many more ways that my grandma's favorite grandson! My family had always been labelled this and that in so many ways that whatever you do, as long as you are in my family line, you are in the wrong... Ridiculous? That's what I've been putting up all my life...

My parents are okay.. though they never can come to terms with me wearing short shorts at home, what more to go out with them.. So I never told them how short hockey skirts can be and that I only wore some tight short tights or some shorter shorts underneath... So I never told them that I wore some tops without bra sometimes.. So I never told them that I am liberal and sometimes eats bacon sandwiches along with some nice wines.. So I never told them that there are many more things about me that they dont know because I know they can never come to terms with it.. I am putting up with all this bullshit, covering my real self because I need to live with them till the period ends.. After that, I might just bid them goodbye unless they learn to back me up when issues of my setbacks are raised by my Grandma or Aunt with my so many success... I am actively in a hockey team, am now a Junior Sports Member of the Singapore Cricket Club, I will have my diploma in 2months and have applied for university.. that's to list some of my success...

One of the many reasons why Grandma is not happy about my success is probably because her grandson didn't even get anything close to my success.. He failed his 'O' levels.. even then, my Grandma and his mother backed him up saying.. oh well.. Luck isn't on his side.. in the mean time, they critisized my 'O' levels result saying it was nothing out of ordinary.. my results are borderline... They are never encouraging me to do better.. They frowned upon my involvement in sports.. saying it was a waste of time and money.. I'm telling you if I get into University and this guy's sister didn't make it in future(this girl is 4 years younger than me) , and IF I get so sucessful and maybe got busy and forgot to make frequent calls to my parents or forgot to send money on time to parents, these people are SO gonna screw me up saying I've forgotten my grounds and that I've forgotten my parents deeds of taking care of me and such.. I'm so sure..

They don't understand that the world is changing and that you need to adapt to these changes.. You can't expect the younger generations to grow up just like you, the way you were brought up like.. You have to be aware of the changes, the modernization and the technology of today and improve it for the use of tomorrow... Accept the fact that kids have to know about sex, alcohol and drugs.. Accept the fact that kids will experiment with these things out of curiosity.. I'm not encouraging any such activities but you have to face it that they would, all the more you should expose them the facts, the dangers, the precautions to take and everything.. And I mean everything... So that they would know that if they are gonna try out something, they had to take these precautions or bear in mind that they would face these consequences...

I don't think it is right how my parents raise me.. They hide everything from me.. They didn't educate me on those things mention.. they just say don't drink, don't smoke, don't this and don't that... But they never reason out to me why or what would happen if I do.. They didn't let me go out late... They just say I can't but never tell me why.. The tradition is like that.. Children listen to parents, do what they say-good or bad, children should not raise any doubts about what parents said(i.e. Don't get yourselves involved with him, he's bad - you can't question why he's bad or what would happen if you do make friends with him).

Anyway, another phone bill from history came haunting me... Another $510 to settle... WHERE AM I GONNA FIND THE GODDAMN MONEY??? Urgh!!! This account was used by my ex-husband.. he should fu**ing pay it but it was under my name.. Why did I let this kind of thing happen?? I am totally screwed.. And my mom's not helping my nagging at me.. And she is pissed when I told her to stop nagging coz it's not helping and start accusing me of being defendsive and not accepting that it was afterall my fault... and that I bring misfortune to the family... How nice of her to say such to her daughter, eh?

Gotta go, my head is gonna blow up soon... then I wish I could literally blow my head up and just die bleeding from a blown head... don't worry, I won't kill myself.. maybe pay someone to do it for me, but I won't... I just won't have the guts...