Life in a relationship...

It is taking a ride, good and bad, as always. It left me with a smile though.... We are happy although there are times, we simply wished each other gone... There are definitely more days that we wished no day would end... A couple of arguments only make us realise that we had occupy a big space in each other's life. One which almost had me gave up only ended up giving me hopes all over again. We just end up making it all up for good.. Okay that's just it for an update of my relationship, shall not write too much about it..

About my appraisal not too long ago... It's a great two way communication - more about my minus points as compared to last year's... But it's still all good. Too much happened over so short a period, and I dunno if I should look forward to my long leave, or if I should worry for the coming year... I guess I should just switch off and chill...

Oh yes... An update of my shopping/wish list:
What I wanted to buy:
PUMA messenger beg
CHECK sandals
JUST SCENT perfume
Skinny jeans
Tops

I didnt get item no. 4 coz no size could fit me right. With the smallest available size, I could easily pull the pants off without unbuttoning! (Finally got a size 24 after a long search) As for item no. 5 I only managed to get one top (and another and another)...

MY wishlist:
COACH wallet : $405
COACH watch : choice 1 cost $858 / choice 2 cost $US356
PSP/Nintendo DS Lite : $400 package / $350 <--- Got my NDS Lite on 11th Feb @ $340!
Triumph Lingerie (party bra) set : Not indicated
NOKIA 5310 red set: $438
PANASONIC latest mega durable laptop : Not indicated

EDUCATION wishlsit:
DEGREE in CIVIL/STRUCTURAL ENGINEERING
MASTERS in above field
PHD in something relevant

Financial wishlist/goal:
$5K paycheck in 3 years' time
Clear all debts in 2 years' time namely COURTS, CITYBANK EDU, OCBC CAR, etc
Able to support parents and myself without extra help, i.e borrow from friends/chipped in by relatives

Travel wishlist:
To travel to Australia for work/business trips.
To travel leisurely all over Europe.
To travel with girlfriends all over South East Asia namely Thailand, Indonesia, Malaysia for shopping and leisure treatments like spa, massage, manicure/pedicure, facial, etc.

Assets wishlist:
To own a house/apartment.
To own a business sideline.
To own a source of transportation.

That's all I can think of at the moment. Will try to update as time goes by...

Arguments, Differences, Restrained, Constraints....

Why is it easier to argue than to admit fault? Why is it easier to hide and lie then to reveal the truth?

I had a stupid day today... Got bombarded in all angle in all aspect, have a week to prove my worth at work, got my faults pointed in my face with nowhere else to divert the blame. I took the blame with more pain at where it hurts the most.

What's there to do when noone seem to get what I am trying to say? What else is there to do to make them understand if they refuse to even listen...

I haven't been too well to even think about myself... Nothing seem to work fine with me recently and i don't even feel like making up for what I've never done right in these past week... I even feel like leaving what I've done all these while and just run to where noone else will know.

Now I'm surrounded with kids and feel so much home.. I felt important, and at times like this I wish I could do this full-time, just stay home and be with the kids, and only the kids.. Spend time with kids and rekindle fond memories of my lost childhood....

I simply miss those days where all my worries and fatiqueness dissappear from the very sight of a young baby smiling at me...

Maybe it's time to settle down and make some noise... Hmmm....

Don't let me be the last...

When time is no more about us, I wish I was strong to tell the world you still have my back... But I wasn't... When time was about us, I wish I was strong to let you go when you made a mistake, but I didn't manage to gather that little strength I should have. When they warned me not to make them the last to know, do they actually know I was the one who's often the last to know? I guess not.

I know not, if I should say you're still in my life, or if you were long gone. Everytime I wake up, your face greets mine, in the last moment of my dreams.. Everytime I breathe, I felt your lips on mine... Everytime, I look at my reflection, I saw you next to me. It felt like you never left me, or was it more like I never wanted you to go?

I felt deep yearnings of you. And yet I have to restrain. I failed to note which to route to follow, the heart, the emotions, or the dreams.... You kept me company, physically, mentally or emotionally, it felt just the same.

I wanted to run and be there for you, but I failed to convince myself if you'd do the same for me. I hesitated, and I delayed. And yet I know, I couldn't hold this any longer. I needed you more than ever. The more I hear others talking about you, the more I felt like you were for me. Queer, I know.

You gave me freedom in whatever I do, you never whined when I said I'm going away with some other guy. You never said a thing when I said I'm going out drinking with my girls. You irritate me with your lame jokes, and the way you notice things about other girls, but you were just being you. You don't lie, just that you never tell most things about you. And that's where the problem lies...

I wish to have a time where only us exists for you to tell me everything. I wish for a time when I can love you for the real you and not the potray everyone has of you. I wish for one moment of you confessing to the various mysteries you've left me behind.

I knew you did a mistake back then. Now when I think about it, if you hadn't been serious enough, you wouldn't have introduced me to your real mom, to your aunt, or to anyone for that matter. I heard all of them said about you not being with anyone this serious before, and sometimes, when I was alone.... I wish I am still with you... To know you better, and help you mend your ways... And be as normal as a being can be.

I dreamt of you being at home with the kids, I knew then something doesnt seem right, but I somehow like it to be that way. Strange as it can be... But that's how I want to be. To have someone who will handle what I can't handle that very well full time, and do what I can do best full-time without any worries about things back at home. I know everyone would be against that, and you'd be the one man who would not feel insecure being the person handling house chores and deal with the women who wear the pants.

Confused once more, I should be careful of what I wish for... But I wish you were back in my life, somewhere at the back of my head, just to know if you're okay, at least..

My feelings are strong and weak all at the same time now... And I'm at lost of what I should do about what I have in my hands....

An appropriate song for the time being...

AKON - Sorry, You can put the blame on me

As life goes on I'm starting to learn more and more about responsibility
And I realize that everything I do is affecting the people around me
So I want to take this time out to apologize for things that
I've done things that haven't occurred yet
and things that they don't want to take responsibility for

I'm sorry for the times that I left you home
I was on the road and you were alone
I'm sorry for the times that I had to go
I'm sorry for the fact that I did not know

That you were sitting home just wishing we
Could go back to when it was just you and me
I'm sorry for the times I would neglect
I'm sorry for the times I disrespect

I'm sorry for the wrong things that I've done
I'm sorry I'm not always there for my sons
I'm sorry for the fact that I'm not aware
That you can't sleep at night when I am not there

Because I'm in the streets like everyday
I'm sorry for the things that I did not say
Like how you are the best thing in my world
And how I'm so proud to call you my girl

I understand that there's some problems
And I'm not too blind to know
All the pain you kept inside you
Even though you might not show

If I can't apologize for being wrong
Then it's just a shame on me
I'll be the reason for your pain
And you can put the blame on me


You can put the blame on me

Said you can put the blame on me
Said you can put the blame on me
Said you can put the blame on me
You can put the blame on me

I'm sorry for the things that he put you through
And all the times you didn't know what to do
I'm sorry that you had to go and sell those bags
Just trying to stay busy until you heard from dad

When you would rather be home with all your kids
As one big family with love and bliss
And even though pops treated us like kings
He got a second wife and you didn't agree

He got up and left you there all alone
I'm sorry that you had to do it on your own
I'm sorry that I went and added to your grief
I'm sorry that your son was once a thief

[Sorry, Blame It On Me lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

I'm sorry that I grew up way to fast
I wish I would of listened and not be so bad
I'm sorry that your life turned out this way
I'm sorry that the feds came and took me away

I understand that there's some problems
And I'm not too blind to know
All the pain you kept inside you
Even though you might not show

If I can't apologize for being wrong
Then it's just a shame on me
I’ll be the reason for your pain
And you can put the blame on me

You can put the blame on me
You can put the blame on me
You can put the blame on me
You can put the blame on me

Said you can put the blame on me
Said you can put the blame on me
Said you can put the blame on me
You can put the blame on me

I'm sorry that it took so long to see
But they were dead wrong trying to put it on me
I'm sorry that it took so long to speak
But I was on tour with Gwen Stefani

I'm sorry for the hand that she was dealt
And for the embarrassment that she felt
She's just a little young girl trying to have fun
But daddy should of never let her out that young

I'm sorry for Club Zen getting shut down
I hope they manage better next time around
How was I to know she was underage
In a 21 and older club they say

Why doesn't anybody want to take blame
Verizon backed out disgracing my name
I'm just a singer trying to entertain
Because I love my fans I'll take that blame

Even though the blame's on you
Even though the blame's on you
Even though the blame's on you
I'll take that blame from you

And you can put that blame on me
And you can put that blame on me
You can put that blame on me
You can put that blame on me

I can relate to this song... It's really not that easy being me the way I am... Wronged in everyway, no matter how right I was... In other eyes, I may have been wronged. And so I apologize. It's not about admitting your fault, but to just grow up and take it with you, no matter how right you are. Life is such that noone gives a damn how right you are... Time doesn't heal any wound, love don't make much wonder, and money can't buy you much anymore...

At times, I wonder if time is right enough for me to even move on... At times, when I feel like I'm strong enough, I failed... At times, when I feel like I'm not made for it, I did it... At times, when I thought I was alone, I wasn't... At times when I felt there's someone to rely on, there wasn't anyone except my own shadow...

Life is such... And it shall be just that...

Till I ever see you again...

And you can put that blame on me

And you can put that blame on me

The ups and downs of life

24th September 2007

I got the truth out without asking… And so he declared his feeling to this other person… Does he really think I’ll forget everything and be back to how I used to if I ever decide to be with him again? Does he really think I don’t have any feelings?

And he thinks I’ll believe him when he said there will be no more secrets between us? How sure can I ever be that he won’t do such things again? How sure can I be that he will stop lying? How sure can I be that he really do have true feelings for me? How sure can I be that he’s not pulling that man I want him to be just to get back at me? How sure can I be that he’s not there for the little money I have?

With that how sure can he be that I’ll put everything behind and trust him whole heartedly? How sure can he be that I won’t doubt his every move? With that how sure can we be that we will be happy together? With that how sure can we be that this relationship will work?

I’m telling you, this will be too full of lies and doubts. This will be one hell of a mistake, and it won’t be a small matter when we both had enough.

Life is a joke, isn’t it? The joke must be on him or perhaps it’s on me, because I seriously don’t find it funny. It’s either him ending up looking darn stupid alone by himself or me ending up looking stupid for wasting my time.

Stop giving me riddles, and give me what I needed to hear. I’ve had enough trouble, and I don’t need to make it double. I mean seriously… What could be worse?

30th September 2007

Family reunites after so long. I truly miss all of them, especially my third uncle. Never really speak much, but it’s enough.

I’ve finally decided to go for MotoGP trip, after so much about saying I’m darn broke. Then again, I decided that we needed the break off work and just have fun running around and forget all there is here even if it’s just for the weekend.

I’m honestly looking forward to this trip. Just the three of us, it’s so going to be like FUN. Finally made a decision to book hotel and tickets by tomorrow, and so what if I end up broke? It’s much needed and deserved. I mean seriously… We do deserve a break.

I’m so going to save up all the little money I have and be worry-less and just enjoy my whole weekend admiring young hot bods, and fast machines… Not to mention some fabulous personality that can influence the whole world…

I simply can’t wait. 19 more days to go…

Was just thinking... When everything seems to be going all well and good, it could only be that the worse is near... Of course, we can all be positive and hope for the better, but what everyone fails to do is to prepare for the worst possible thing to come....

We can all not be worry only to end up picking up the pieces alone, and we can all be thinking too much only to end up not doing anything at all till maybe when it's a bit too late.. Either way, life goes on.

It's strange how my mom come up with this theory that I shouldn't sacrifice and do everything for my friend and yet expect my friends to go the extra mile for me... Just like when there's a wedding to attend and I made an effort to dress up or be early and put everything behind to be there, she'd nag and question if they are going to do the same for me. I ended up upset for a moment, and told her off... I know I'm wrong to tell her off but it's only right that I do all this and to know that I did my part and the least I can expect is their presence when it's my turn. Rather than not do much for them and then expect so much when my turn comes.

Anyway, it's not like my turn is very soon or in the plan... I don't think I'm willing to settle down... Then again, I will never know and time will only tell if the right man comes by and asks for my hand the right way.

I intend to stay single and flirt my single life away till time is right, at least for now.

Oh, as we break fast yesterday... my family spoke of Mr... Of how he ended by lying down to eat because he can't seem to eat cross legged on the floor. And we moved on talking about how many children he has now and how old they are... It's amazing how time flies.. Mr is married and have twins, who's turning 1 next month. Ya.. Time really flies...

And I sometimes wonder is there'll ever be a second Mr who'll come my way... Oh lord, why do I have to see marriage as such a hassle? Why can't I just be a normal girl to fancies her wedding with her mr right with such passion and love?

Why do I always view marriage as such a heavy burden? Why must I meet and be with all the wrong people time and time again?

Weirdos on Earth

The weirdest human on Earth has to be parents. They do all they can for their child, then again, when the child is not wrong, they do all they can so the child would somehow feel like he is in the wrong.

When the child is so wrong, they refuse to accept and deny and deny they would. When the child change for the better, they would accuse of all the things he hasnt done in the longest time. So what is right for a child to do? I have no idea. Ya.. Go on parents who read this. Tell me that I won't understand until I have my own children.

Still c'mon. Wake up. When there're chances for parents to talk to the child, why couldnt they just go straight to the point? And when the child is in no position to talk and explain, then why pick that time to talk?

Had I wanted to leave and make this home a hotel, I would and could have. But I never did, I still make sure I get back on my own bed all well and tucked in. So why is it when I decide to not go home till the sun rise, they pretend nothing happened instead of slow talking with the child?

I have enough stress on my shoulder, enough burden to carry. I don't need to be shout at when I just got home from a very thorough thought about earning more money to survive. I don't need to be lectured because I already know what's right and what's not.

Couldnt they just leave me alone when I need to be and be there when I needed someone to be there?

Sigh... Why?

Something out of nothing...

*Please note that this post is written is two separate occassion. (also due to the internet problems back at home)

Well, recalling the last post that I published.. The part about KI being out of proportion, I think it's good, but then again, when everything is going uphill, the only way next is probably to go down where the hard rock finally greet this face of mine... I dunno... But he outstandingly became more in control of his temper and with the way he put his words...


The person he confided him probably has some influence in his change. He seemed to be more toned down, easier to manage, but sometimes, I just end up not knowing him at all because the change is that much. At times where an argument is most likely to occur, and me expecting him to show his temper, and preparing myself for words to be shot out into my head, he just surprise me by just talking as per normal, he does sound a little irritated the first time, but when I ask him, why the tone, are you angry with me? He just chuckled and said no..

I know I shouldn't be complaining, it's all good. But then again.. If he can change so drastically in such short span, wouldn't be just as easy for him to return to how he was before? And what scares me most is I really have no idea who and where this influence come from.

He willingly accept to handle my matters with his acquantances without much push and pull like before. He starts to tell me what looks nice on me and what not.. These was never mentioned before. He'll just critisize what I wear and how I wear what I wear, but now it was more like options for me to choose.

He seemed to be on a higher mood and have let out a better aura towards me. Just like last Saturday, after some shopping, he noticed me counting my fingers and asked what's wrong, and I just looked at him and he went like, money problems eh? and I just nod away, and he starts to talk to me of what the problem is and how I should handle it.. I admit not all his solutions are feasible, but I guess that's good enough for now.

At times I just wish he stop running from reality and start trying harder to support me instead.

Oh, I had a dream last night... A heated argument with someone who had returned from somewhere far from the public but surrounded with his own kind. KI was there but didn't do much or even try to interupt, and after all the police calling and everything KI sat next to me and asked if he's really the one I'm looking for.

And I remember clearly what I said in that awkward dream... I said, " It's not that hard to impress and satisfy me. I don't look for heritary wealth, or highly educated man. I look for someone who can make me happy and give me what I can't get by myself. No money can possibly buy happiness, maybe money will help you be happy, but I don't get to bring all the money into my grave. I want to live my life happy with someone who will be there for me no matter what happens. I want that person to try and to see with my own eyes and heart that he's trying to make me happy. I want someone who would listen and debate when I am wrong, I want someone who would laugh and cry with me. I want someone who have strengths in my weaknesses. I just want to be able to be myself and love that someone for whoever he is. Not more, not less"

I woke up wishing I could tell someone this. I wish I could speak more with someone.. But no matter how I try, I always end up listening to all everyone wants to say and not mention a word about myself. Often, when given the opportunity to voice my points, I end up not knowing how and where to start and so I gave the opportunity away to someone else...

I don't know why I feel so alone, like noone else would care. Like noone else would have noticed my eyes so full of misery, like noone else would have noticed how full my brain is with my own problems... like I don't matter to anyone at all...

Seriously, is life really that worthless that noone else seemed to care about another or themselves for that matter?

Just another thing in my mind....

There's something in KI that seemed a bit out of proportion, yet I couldnt make out anything out of it. It seems like he's not telling to what it is that is bothering him. Then again, it would be impossible for him not to confide in anyone. Sadly, it's not me whom he confides in to... And so I wonder- of suspect if you'd like that word better- if he has someone else whom he is able to confide in...

It's not me to throw my worries to someone, much less without any evidence of some kind. I kept wondering what I lack when I know I lacked nothing. It's getting to me... I just hate this feeling, and yet there's nothing anyone or me for that matter to do anything about it.

I seriously have no idea what I mean to him, much less to anyone for that matter... Is life really that worthless? Is being human just that insane?

To live for someone else has never been me, and yet it still bothers me when noone really cared about me only because they all knew I could handle it all by myself, but hey... I'm still a normal girl, who may need some help with what she's going through. I'm not born with some supernatural thing that can make every worry and every problem I'm facing go just like that.

Honestly, I'm starting to wonder if I should just end my life, and sometimes I wonder if it'd make the world a better place... Then again, we* have too much class in ourselves, that we can't even wish to do that. We are just not the typical crowd that'd just do the norm. And we simply can't bring ourselves to that position. That's good, but sad... We wished we could cry and make ourselves feel better, but we just couldn't seem to even do that...

Why, the same ol' question that has been bothering since day 1. And after over 20years, still, noone seemed to have an answer to our simple and yet complicated question. Why?

Another Long Update....

6th September 2007, Thursday.

I decided to lodge a police report about the SGR secret. I think it’s been long dued for a proper action to be taken. I guess I knew why I delayed, not because I was afraid but because I was ashamed to be this stupid to actually allow someone use my name so easily.

I still don’t know what I should say when I step into the police station. Should I go like, “Hmm… I want my SGR back, but I don’t know where it is. Can you help me?” Or should I go like, “Hmmm… SGR is going to be taken away, I don’t know where it is, but I want it back… How?”

Sounded more stupid than it already is, don’t you think?

KI has been pretty quiet recently, and I wonder why. Am not about to guess, but honestly, I am slightly affected, but able to forget about it. I had strange weird stupid dreams about him lately. Oh well…

For the anonymous lady, you know and I definitely know who you are, I texted you my comments on your comments… For those who are keen to know, here’s what I’ve got to say, (I hope you don’t mind me sharing)

“I guess we both know what sort of things we will have to deal when reality hits but blinded with the littlest hope and love we have for someone. I know somehow I want to give it a try and yet I know it won’t work unless he change the way he is…
We both know. And yet we kept trying to do the almost impossible thing, only to wonder what went wrong…”

And after saying all these, I still have that littlest hope to fight for… Strange, it’s like walking to a road with a sign that says “DEAD END” and yet I still keep walking in hope to find the way out.

I sometimes wonder if there will ever be the one for me, who could provide me more than enough. But what is enough when I want more than just enough. Now that’s another unknown definition beyond explanation. However, I’ll give it a try…

Enough is when one can provide the basic needs, money, shelter and companion. If one can’t provide me these, then provide me love, care, concern, a listening ear, tender touch, a shoulder to cry on, a hug when I feel alone, a kiss when I feel unloved and words of wisdom when I’m on the verge of giving up.

Enough is not enough when one forgets my existence in the presence of others, or failed to put me before everything else when doing something. Enough is never enough when one failed to stand up for me when someone hurts me. Enough is not when one refuses to take over the steering wheel when it’s due. Enough is never when one only thinks of his own lost or benefits and not ours.

Call me selfish, but love is only when one is able to let go of everything for that person one loved. Love is when nothing else matters as long as the person one love is happy and well. Love is when something’s amiss, one can only think of the person one loves.

I guess I’ve had enough said. Good night.

9th September, Sunday

At times like this, after a long chat of all the unknown depressing things that has been bothering us, I felt like we both need a long break doing some researching within our souls. It’s has always been and will always be about someone else above our own importance somehow. We kept saying maybe He has something better for us, what seriously, what is it that could be better? We wonder, and we continue to wonder, for years we will, and still be without much clue to an answer.

Sometimes, I really wonder if I mean anything to anyone for real or if anyone has some significant meaning to me- except my parents- for that matter. Is there seriously someone out there who deserves more care and attention from me more than myself? I really don’t know if it would be worth. I really don’t.

I guess my biggest sin on Earth is being just way to nice to everyone and everything. I let go, but never within myself. Nothing seemed to work… Then again, everything is falling into place. I have got a great career worth talking about, I still got my parents, my family, and my friends… What more could I have lacked?

Maybe a stable boyfriend who supports me would have made my life better, then again, there’ll be more to the list that could make my life much better… Then what is it that’ll make me ultimately?

I wonder…

A long day to end...

I had a super long day today.. Meetings after meetings.. There's lunch meeting about client cuddling, won't deny I fell asleep as the interactive discussion goes on. Then I had to prepare for a meeting with the architects at P&T, that starts at 3pm and ended surprisingly at 6pm with at least 95% questions answered with remainding 5% pending from various sources.



Read through my previous updates and I did notice a few errors in words used. But I guess most can see that through and understand what I'm trying to say. As always, there's just so much to say that sometimes, my mind speaks a lot faster than I can ever type.



So much happened today. I decided to take the SGR secret back in my hands, no matter what it would mean to my numericals in the expenditure list. Then there's more secrets... So I can neither write about it or tell the world about it. Secrets underlying secrets.. I remember that in one of my poetries.



Anyway, I've been so busy that I havent got time to catch up with my younger babes and friends. Havent slept well either. There's just way to much to do at work, and then there's family talks about some stuff that should go unsaid....



I'm basically killing myself silently. But there's nothing much I can do about it... Or maybe I can, but am blinded by everything that's been happening...

Long update due to inaccessibility to internet connection

Apologies but I have to update. Don't mind me...

Sunday, 26th August 2007

Today seemed like the best days spent with KI… He actually kept me company in my office from 1230 right up to 2030hrs. He even helped me out with some of the work that needs to be done. That I have to give him credit…

He seemed to have taken note of me more than before. I guess deep inside he has this soft spot for me, and knew that no other girl could or will even think about doing what I am for him… But like every men, he just won’t admit it openly. Maybe he’d confess to that only when I’m no longer.

Deep inside, I knew he cared for me… Just sometimes, my expectations got wild…

Today he had stolen my heartbeat, and I don’t know what tomorrow will bring me… I just hope it’s better than today…

I finally caught up with my coach on Friday night. I always had good talks with him. This time he asked me why women always think they had everything to lose when a relationship didn’t work. And I begged to differ. I told him I don’t have a thing to lose. And he asked me how I came about with that theory, how I was different and why I wouldn’t have anything to lose. I told him I would deny to not lose a single thing when it fails but I will have plenty to benefit, more than I would lose anything.

And here’s what and why. I would have wasted my time and energy. But three things why I wouldn’t have lost but benefit a)money – I still have my career, my pay and my benefits, in fact I would have saved money if I am single b) people – I still have my family and friends to be with c) self-worth – I don’t lose my worth by failing in a relationship. With this, the lost would be a benefit returned to me. I would have more time and energy for all the things that I haven’t been doing whilst being with someone.

Deep down I know, this relationship with KI would be one of those which is hard to get over with should it ever end. And that KI would be one of those whom I’ll have a terrible time letting go of.

He’s not that a bad guy after you know him and being with him for some time. You’d actually find him to be such a nice guy gone wrong in his early parts of his life.

I probably had written about why I was attracted by him initially… It was the fact of how simple life was for him and how he took it in his stride. That was just what hooked me into this love trap. I just love the way he criticize people around him with the truth. He knows his facts and he takes what people have to say about him with the willingness to accept.

I just love watching him talk, loved the way he remembers everything without trying, and how he denies with that smile that just tell you he knows and is pretending. I love the way he takes charge of the situation and people around it. I admired him for doing just about the simplest things in life that made a difference to the world. And I wouldn’t stop doing that. Oh, and I enjoyed his confidence in life. Not once did he showed me any signs of insecurity in him.

Oh well… the morning is greeting me and I got to sleep. Good night, folks.

Saturday, 1st September 2007

We had our 8th movie date in Hall 8, how about that eh? We watched the Ratatouille… It was a great show; it was more for adults than it is for kids for its cartoon-nic nature. It has more adult issues that there could ever be for a kid.

I mean which kid would have a problem with who they are and how they are? No kid would have a problem accepting their ownselves to be human. Maybe it just would or could teach a kid to be whatever they want for as long as it’s for the good and if they really want to be someone, they could as long as they have the guts and faith…

And to admit and give credit to those who really deserve it. And to not scoop to the opponents level to win or get even. But it is rather too deep or rather advanced for a kid to take note, don’t you think?

Anyway, I felt troubled up here, in my mind throughout the day… KI kept asking if I’m alright… I just brushed it off and away… I really don’t know… Sometimes I really wish I can just have my own kids and yet not be married. It’s less of a hassle, of course I know it’s a sin, and more to that – it’d be difficult doing the explaining to the kid alone…

I just, well I dunno… I’m just not made for marriage… I really have my doubts, not because people around me are divorced, have been divorced or filing for divorce… But only because of my personal issues with commitment and freedom…

I knew deep inside me that I can’t be with someone who can only provide me enough, but I needed more than enough. Money- I think anyone can make or find money, but happiness… that’s something just so magnificent. Freedom and trust, that must be earned, and not controlled.

I guess I can get pretty okay with KI, only if parents can see that. He may not be able to provide me financially and all that basic things… But I guess he can teach me many other perspectives that I’ve failed to reach.

KI has some values that I don’t and I have what he lacked. It’s like a perfect jigsaw puzzle and it just may and may not work depending on if we are the right piece at the right spot…

What I do know is, it doesn’t matter if KI and I will ever end up together, KI will still be a big part of me… And hopefully, I have a place in his world no matter what happens.

I guess the only way to get marriage in both our minds is to go horribly wrong in our doings and end up with something that would mean greatly to both of us to work on something and get to a compromise.

Like I said, it might. And it might just simply screw up. We may be stronger together and we may just say goodbye without a word.

Something tells me that I might very well end up in a very long relationship with him because we need each other so much. But I have a feeling that we never will get married –maybe live with each other, but not married… maybe have kids but keep it as a secret. I dunno… It’s strange and I know – but I’m not going to let him go and I know I won’t regret either. Maybe that’s the only way to be single till time is right for me to step into another marriage. Why pressure him and make my stress level higher?

Live by the day like he said, and be strong to last like I said. He can be the king but I still have the power in my hands. I make my future and he makes his. I can my own life, and he has his. So why worry?

I guess we are the same, to mingle is our habit, but we can stay true to our own definition.
If love is true, and fate is written this way, then let it be. To go against all odds is my nature, but I also know if it’s meant to be, it will be. If it’s not, it’s only a lesson to be learnt.

We can both be young, but we have both gone through what not many people our age goes through. We may not realize that, but we both know it somehow. At least, we are not hypocrites who deny the truth or spread rumours for their own benefits.

It’s getting late, and everyone’s asleep. And so shall I… Good night, dearest.

Offensive Lady I've become - Part II

I've become really offensive that everything I said, whether it's out of honesty, or out of fun became offensive.. What do you know eh?

Maybe it's just me being too lazy to think about others. Or maybe it's just something missing in my head, my heart or my soul...

I can't think straight. I keep asking for forgiveness, I keep forgiving and forgetting... And what do I get? Nothing...

People will just keep leaving me... Maybe I deserve it.... Maybe I'm meant to just be alone - not a soul to be with me... Maybe that's just it...

Honesty kills you deep within... It's something you can't live with and yet can't live without sort of things...

I have offended a forth man whose name also starts with K... And maybe I offended the two men whose names start K twice... What's wrong with me and men whose names starts with K?

I'm falling sick yet again... Blame it on the rain and the extra cold A/C! NLA is in Melbourne now.. Oh how I wish I was posted out somewhere out of this sincity... I hope to be posted out by end next year and never to come back... or maybe return after decades just to give time to all the people to forget all about me so I can start anew...

I dunno... All the people I love and care about keeps getting hurt by me else they'll hurt me endlessly, only to end up leaving me and with me walking away...

And after awhile, I'm be the one who'll end up regretting or wishing we hadn't went out own ways...

I need to sleep, and sleep I will... Night!

Offensive Lady I've become..

Yeah... I've offended 3 men today, without any intention to... I was trying to be honest and everyone got offended by my honesty... How about that?

And ironically all these men's name starts with K... Isnt that just strange?

I shall delete the details... Else I'll offend them even more. What do you know?

Just what is wrong with the world today?

Is it wrong to turn down an offer to help given by someone because you don't wish to be labelled the "money-stealer" or the "advantage-taker"? I go around helping everyone and try to please everyone, but I failed to help myself or even try to please myself...

Just so typical of me, right? *Hits own head till it couldn't feel pain no more*

Super Triumph....

Well, no... Am not promoting Triumph.. Just thought this is corky enough for my entry today... After a very long break from what it seems like eons since the last entry....

The original song is from Supertramp entitled "Take a look at my gf" but i've changed it to suit my life story

Take a look at my boyfriend,
He's the only one I got,
Not much of a boyfriend,
Never seem to get a lot
Take a jumbo across the water,
Like to see excitement in Austria,
See the men in suits in Australia,
I'm hoping it's going to come true,
But there's not a lot I can do,

Don't you look at my boyfriend,
He's the only one I got,
Not much of a boyfriend,
Never seem to get a lot
Spent a lot on him and
Got nothing to do

Nan nan nan nan
nan nan nan nan
nan nan nan nan
nan nan nan nan
nan nan nan nan
nan nan nan nan
nan nan nan nan
nan nan nan nan

Well, I guess he's really not much of a boyfriend, but i still love him because he's what he is... Simple, sometimes too simple... and sometimes too unpredictable...

But like I said, he's what he is, he don't hide what he has in mind. He critisize me like i have no feelings, and he don't sweet-nothing me, he's don't stick to me like glue, but search for me when he finds himself missing out something...

I get hurt because I expected more and then be fickled about it.. I guess that's why he alwasy end up being the upset one when we argue...

I loved him rather a little too much at times, because I felt the huge void even when it's just a small scaled heated argument. I felt the void of loneliness when he refused to answer my calls or reply to my messages...

I get hurt because he never really think about me and my position as much as I want him to... Then again I never really tell him honestly because I refuse to sound too demanding. I would say it's logical for a man to think for his woman at all times, but I guess that's where the communication broke down between Venus and Mars, because Venus always expects Mars to know what she wants and Mars just won't do it unless told.

Well, enough of what's said, now, tomorrow is my big day - my final presentation before my school term ends, and 3.5 months more to go before my graduation.

Financial wise, struggling horribly... like fire fighting the oil... There's a huge hole the moment my salary is creditted.. It's that terrible!

- Enough said -

Another day came, another day gone....

It's one of those days when you don't feel like it's a good day and suddenly your hair just falls right where it needs to, and pictures turned out perfect just the way it is without trying any harder, and time seemed to be just merciless by ticking away at a faster speed....

Hmm... I havent been feeling too good lately... Not lively, not dead either..

Strange but I kindda oh well.. nevermind, you won't be any much more interested about it....

It has been almost a year without my passport now... Could the remaining year just go in a flash? I hate to wait...

I decided not to take the week off in October, I planned to take some leaves in between for much more importants things like the project presentation, the house evaluation, and the mass gathering if it happens, and last and most important, the christmas week break!

I couldnt recall what I wanted to write.. so this is it.. Good nyte!

Past Memory...

Memories, they will never fail to set you thinking eh?

Ah... A lot has happened since my last update...

Let's see, there's a 3rd movie date, a mini NP reunion, a duo day out - suppose to be a trio day out... What else... Oh... KI's 2nd apology- like finally!

Okay.. we watched Die Hard 4.0, the mini NP reunion is really mini, only 5 of us there, a duo day out with dearest sis, Lyna. Cha was grounded for no apparent reason so that's why it ended up with just the two of us...

And okay.. why I just write a sentence each for the respective 'happening'? Well, because I kindda find that KI's 2nd apology of the year more happening at this moment...

He's not the kind of person who find it easy to say the hardest 5 letter word in the dictionary, so it was huge. I was in disbelief when I first read it, then I thought ah, might as well just forgive him... =) I would probably still forgive him even if he shrug it off and go on as if nothing happened.

What happened? Well nothing huge, really.. He just got angry because I said something that he don't wish to hear, really... He just texted me out the blue to meet up, and I just told him it's raining and I just got home, then it ended up with him accusing me of creating excuses, and subsequently the normal, ah, I don't want to hear your excuses and I ended up just saying whatever you say, you always do this and that anything else is just up to him. And after awhile I just text him which says, " Sometimes I really wonder what's on your mind, Anyway Gd Nyte" and just simply went to bed. I would be lying if I said I didnt think anything much about it. Because I really mean it when I say I sometimes do wonder what's on his mind to end up saying such things to me and just a tiny bit hurt me just like that....

I hardened my heart and refused to text him first, as that's what I always end up doing. And I made it, but he texted me at an earlier time with "Gd morning dear, I'm really sorry bout yesterday, Still mad at me?"

Oh how can I not let it go...? There're just one too many soft spots here in me... And sometimes I just get frustrated with myself for that. I mean people can keep on hurting me and I'll just sit and let it go and keep forgiving others but myself.. And so I ended up replying with "It's okay, I'm never mad at you, Btw what are you doing?" Just what is wrong with me?!?

Maybe KI had talked to someone about it and maybe he just simply realise what crap he has done to a gem he had. Or maybe he just realise that my patience has a limit and I might just one day leave him, and maybe he realise that he's the one who's gonna lose at the end if that happens... Then again, maybe I'm just being optimistic....

I shall just enjoy it whilst it last.. And take in as much as I can absorb... And love for as long as love last, and to indulge for as long as it exist.... And not to forget when it's gone... Like always...

Can I just do this once... I havent done it for a long time... Can I just say I love him? Once? Oh well, I just did.. Geesh.. How many time must I fall in love with the same person? Oh I hate this feeling.. It's making me unsure with every assurance that I am getting!

You don't understand? Well neither do I, honestly.... It's like a phrase I said to my niece last Sunday, it's crap but carry on if you really are dead bored and still want to go on reading my crap.. It goes like this, "You need to understand what I don't understand and I'll understand what you don't understand, Understand?"

Yeah.. Whatever.. Heard it, but hey you're the one who's still reading, I never did force you to read my crap.. =)

Good night, good fellas!

Will I be strong enough?

Tough question really... I sometimes am so unsure of how strong I am... I kindda asked KI when he's gonna settle down... He simply put a 10 yr mark... My heart went to have a talk with my mind really... Will I be able to wait that long?

Then again, maybe he is just right.. Why promise when one can't keep it? The real question is, will he ever propose? I don't know.. Really, I don't.

This is one of those relationships that I foresee being stuck with him but not get married sort... Oh well.. enough about relationships now...

You know, I've been having those weird dreams again lately.. Dreams of death... Not mine, unfortunately, but my parents'. It's scaring me...

Then again, its just a dream right? But why do I keep having these dreams? Is it some kind of a warning sign that something bad is going to happen to me? Or is it just a mind game trying to disrupt what I am doing?

I even dreamt of receiving proposals... The dream about KI was just too good to be true, so maybe that's not gonna happen.. The ones on death is just way to sad to talk about.. The dream of me being successful overseas, that might be true one day...

I had a meaningful chat with SS yesterday night... About how I am going to tell CP about my past that would disrupt my travelling... I was enlightened by his advice, as usual...

I ought to sleep... But as usual... I couldnt get my eyes and mind to sleep... Sigh..

2nd Movie Date

Yes... Transformers alas!! It's a definite must watch!! I would say Transformers is the best thing that happened in a movie ever! The effects... was marvellous, was so wow...

Now, I want a transformers too... Bumble Bee is cute, Optimus Prime is such a leader... All robots, ready and roll out! Haha.. Did I get that right? Did I? Haha.. doesnt matter la.. I know KI enjoyed that movie after three unsuccessful weeks of watching his favorite movie...

You know what? KI is much sweeter lately.. He's just transforming into this man that I want, then again, if he can change like that, I'm afraid I have to prepare myself for the worst - what if he goes back to the person I was once hurt by? Then again, I should enjoy it whilst it still last...

I have just fallen in love with him again... True.. I did.. all over again... I loved the way we part... Part with a kiss... he rarely do what he did today... And it feels so nice... And in one of his friends presence.. Makes such a difference.. Wei.. dun get the wrong idea la.. it's just a kiss on the cheek la... Get that dirt out of your mind, will you?

Anyway, it was nice today, because he got some cash with him and I just felt like the girl today... Oh... How I missed him already... Weird weird weird feeling...

Oh, my shopping list... 1) Samsung YP-U3 1gb mp3 2) Nokia 5200 first hand 3) short crop from underground products 4) Elseve shampoo and conditioner 5) handphone pouch 6) Movie Passes (KI made me promise that all the passes is to be used by us and us only. Meaning 5 movies together...) I got one ticket voucher if anyone's interested..

That's today... Next on my shopping list 1) white dress/pants/top for Sandrine's wedding 2) Laptop skin 3) triumph lingerie 4) another pair of specky 5) contact lenses 6) shoes/slipper

The list never ends really...

Next to pay 1) laptop installments 2) top up bbdc a/c 3) top up ez link phase 2 4) deposit 200 into my citibank a/c

Next on must watch in cinema movies 1) Rush Hour 3 2) Evan Almighty 3) The Simpsons?

To be updated as time goes by... definitely....

Thats about it i think... I deserve to sleep really... Good night good fellas...

Friday the 13th

Ah… A movie date alas!

Intended to watch Transformers, it has been planned eons ago, and it hasn’t happen, and it wasn’t going to happen today being the auspicious date.

So KI and I ended up watching Harry Potter, it’s amazing how he have never missed a single series and I ended watching all of its odd numbered series.. I was a bit lost but not entirely… It was indeed a good plot with excellent effects... I liked it! Magical and intriguing story, I must say! Watching Harry Potter always managed to make me want to be some kind of a magical witch.

Can’t deny that I was eyeing Daniel Radcliffe most of the time, he has became so masculine and so yummy to taste… Oooo… his eyes, his lips… his chest… ah… I can almost feel him close by…

And Ron, he reminds me of MA… well a little bit... because he cares too much sometimes, but really meant no harm, just too concerned. Not to mention, a little annoying but sorely missed when gone. Anyway, KI might fit in Potter’s place, because he sometimes is just too full about himself, about doing things by himself, about his feelings, about him… But he has somewhat tone down a little now… Toleratable – Don’t know if that word exists, I guess not.. But I suppose you guys know what I meant to say.

Me? Hmmm… I don’t know… Can’t find myself in the story…. Maybe you guys can help me find someone that may have a tiny bit resemblance to my character… Do comment…

Anyway, KI mentioned a wedding to attend on the 21st, after so much planning and organizing my dates, now I have re-plan and re-organize all my dates all over again… Gee… Well, let’s see what happens tomorrow… then I will decide…

Transformers is definitely in my must watch in cinema list. I might get the package movie passes, if my salary gets in tonight, or at least tomorrow noon… Let’s just keep the fingers crossing… Oh, typing away about salary…. I got another pay rise and I have reached the minimum $2K pay cheque already!!! Next bench mark would be my first $5K pay cheque.. Am aiming to get it in lets say 5years? I don’t want to get too high an expectation…

Then again the good comes with the bad, higher pay, higher income tax… And it doesn’t help being me who just have a little too many debts within her breathing space.. I just received a shocking bill of $1045 all because I overlooked my internet bill, did not respond and they prematurely terminate my contract so I had to pay for every single month that I have had left plus a nominal termination fee… A pleasant surprise huh….

I just hope that’s all the surprises that are due to me this month; I wouldn’t be able to breathe if there’s more.

Oh my, I’m in such a mood to just type and type away… I feel so good… Maybe because I met KI and he being nice probably made my mood swing fly high today… He did made me a little furious for being late, but he quickly made up for it, like a flash as always..

Oh, I’m going to try and have a garage sale of my own in collaboration to clear up the dust in my messy and over-crowded population in my wardrobe… Let’s see if I can even make it half way through tomorrow… I can’t say much, except let’s just wait and see… (actually equates to my laziness to really go into it and clear it all)

Gosh, I still have tones to talk about… But I just couldn’t remember what I had to tell now… Let’s just put in a little information of where I am typing this away… I am actually on the way home in the bus… yeah, trying to be productive with the little time I had by myself… I couldn’t bare the thought of not producing anything with the time that I have in my hands now… I just couldn’t tolerate it anymore, not when I have this little charm back in my hands, all healthy and gorgeous...

It’s strange how I can get excellent signals as the bus go about turns here… And just when I am getting all excited with the existent of connection, it goes back to no signal at all… Painful in the ass, that’s for sure…

Alright now, I better allow this gorgeous piece rest, I shouldn’t pressure her… Good night, my little loveliest precious one.

Apologies

If you have came back quite often you'd realise that pictures I posted is now gone, it has had some bug in it.. and I had difficulty editting it.. So I decide to go on a dive and delete it all so i can re-upload them up.. I might actually re-upload them all into my muliply.com, find it much faster and safer that way...

Well, let's just say we all had a jolly good time as a family over at Sentosa.. And there'll be more coming up.. Watch this space if you're really keen.. Only real keen ones will be notified. ;)

Am at work now, so I better scurry off..

Love as it is...

11th July 2007

Today marks my 6th months with KI. But I'm not gonna meet him today. But will make it up this weekend, hopefully...

Anyway, I'm gonna share with you some questionaire that I've set up and given to a small number of male friends including to KI.

I asked a question given by another good friend of mine.

Q: What is the most important or most valueable to you in a relationship? Love, companionship, security, sex or love?

A from Mid'K'night : Love, security, companionship, sex (in order of priority)

A from WV: SEX

A from KI: Companionship and Love.

Well I chose Love, security, companionship, money then sex. I like to love someone I'm with, I like to feel secure with the person I choose and I would love feel his presence in my life, I like someone who's stable, and of course, someone who can satisfy me...

I have yet to really ask in detail but I do have a list of questions to ask for follow up.
What I have gathered so far... Well, money is never an issue for men. They work for it. Sex is almost a must formen. Companionship.. Men like women who thinks like them, but also like the challenge of having a women who can debate and reason with them logically. Companionship for men is almost like partnership in a business. So maybe love is a transaction for them. Or maybe a trade-in for sex.

Okay now, the next series of questions...

Q1:What would be the most important criteria that you would look for in your future long-term partner?- Beauty, Brains, sex appeal, organized, etc (I need to come with a list for them to rate probably)

Q2:In opposition, what sort of character or habits can be tolerated and what can't be tolerated?- Smoking, drugs, way of speech, grooming wise, fashion sense, street wise, etc (also a list would be helpful)

Q3:What would you like to get when you're really pissed? - Silence, kiss, hug, etc

Q4:What sort of actions would provoke your anger?

Q5:Would you forgive your partner if she has had a mistake overnight?

Q6:How would you feel if your partner is a rank higher than you, in terms of education and in terms of job position?

I couldn't think of much now... But I'll add more Questions on the list as I think a little bit deeper.

She's back...

Yes, my dearest lappie has just got discharged, all healthy and well...

Here I am crossing my fingers and hoping this connection wont die in the midst of my business deals with her.. (I am still talking about my lappie, just so you know)

And I'm gonna take good care of her now.. No more unnecessary downloads.. Purely for work and school.. I might actually get a spare one for those if i got tonnes of cash in my pocket...

Anyway... I was on top of world in recent days because I had those much needed dosage of family reunions.. Boy I miss those days where all cousins gather and talk all we want....

They have all turned to young men and ladies... And it's amazing we can still have that close bond despite the many obstacles...

Guess what? I miss them already....

History repeating itself yet again...

It seems like nothing would work on anything or anyone.. People failed to appreaciate others, people failed to stop the rumours...

What they failed to do yet again, is to realise that all these things only make us stronger... We stretch further and yield the extra mile.. Gave us so much pain and yet so much more strength than ever...

This big mouthed anonymous creature, has found a new target, and never once changed the way it lied through its teeth..

I couldnt think straight no more.. Everything's hitting me at all the spots that I've failed to protect.. Hit me all you can... You will never kill me.. I'll be hurt, in pain, and maybe cry.. but I'll never give up.. And my strong will power has now spread over to my sisters.. And I'd pray, so they'd be strong, if not stronger than me, to go through all those things that you've once done to me..

KI has been acting strangely, and I foresee bits of history being repeated... I'm running out of energy to keep up, but strangely enough, I ended up a little shaken by the thought of being alone yet again.. Indeed, I've fallen too deep, too far, too hard.... I never really learnt my lessons... I shouldn't have... But I loved him just too much, too quickly... Shall I let go? Or shall I hold on?

I know if he calls me, I'll pick it up... I know if he comes by, I'd throw my arms around him... I know I'd do just anything he needs me to... But I am unsure if he'd do the same... I'm unsure if he'll be there like how I would..

If he fails to see the greatness of my feelings, emotions, or in other words, my love... And wanted me to leave.. I know I will... In tears maybe, in frustration or in fear.. But I know I will.. Because I have to... Sometimes, I just wish I'm strong enough to live in harmony with myself.. To not be in love, until time is right.. To not fall is a dream, but to keep falling is a tiny bit depressing..

Oh well... till I find myself again... Cherio~

Corporate Photo dated 3rd may 2007

This is my corporate photo.. I was full of energy on that day. Photo was taken at Keypoint Bldg at #03-05 which is the Facade side of Arup..

Now we have shifted somewhere in the perimeter of the CBD area.. I can still walk to school but it was much further...

I would update more later when I have time.. Gotta rush off now.. Catch up later~

Yesterday's Tomorrow is Today

Sorry, couldnt think of a better title than this one..

Anyway, exam went unpredicted and everyone's complaining, me inclusive.. I only managed to answer one question confidently, the rest is just me making up some stories from the logic that I've gathered.

Yesterday was a bit frustrating.. Went to Tampinese Stadium to watch DPMM vs TRFC. We supported DPMM and they lost due to a really really really last minute goal from TRFC's no. 11. Darn it! And I got myself an extra huge shirt for supporting DPMM. It's M but huge, saw a friend wearing S and it's still huge! I guess that would be my night wear now...

And KI kindda make me a bit fumed up. But nothing got out of it, so that's okay, I think...

Dunno why, but I miss Sharmie.. My weekend gonna be spent alone at home again... Parents off to JB once more.. And I need my Money!! Oh god!! Fulfil your promise you little boo boo...

I want to just sleep and not wake up but can't... Why oh why oh why?

Exam Tomorrow

And it's time to freak out for last minute studying!! And guess what? I'm still in the office..

Ok... Why am I blogging instead of rushing back home to study? Well.. I have got no access to internet from home, plus my lappie has got fever, and I haven't got much time to sent it to the doctor yet, not to mention - I am yet again broke like never before...

Am on leave tomorrow, might meet KI for a short 5 minutes, (and no, we're not up to any quickie, although I wouldnt mind), then meeting Sharmie...

Speaking of quickie... Kindda getting a little kinky and ooo... Maybe it's time to have some already.. Haha..

I'm going nuts, of course I need some, don't I?

Alright now, time to get my serious mood back up again... Okay.. Little updates that I've left out in earlier entries...
1. I have got my mom a gift that she's been gagging about the whole past 3 months.
2. Parents found out about the SGR secret.
3. Friction between Her and Me
4. KI is taking it pretty cooly, it's good that he's not making this friction a problem between us.
5. His friend got a fractured arm after a game yesterday, got admitted and his pants is with me. (And no, we're not up to anything behind KI. He left his pants and I just do the picking up and forgot to pass it to KI)
6. Exams!! I really really ought to do my studying 10 minutes ago!
7. I just realised that I only meet KI for not more than twice a week lately. And we always end up meeting in groups. (Imagine.... no private hugs, no private kissies, no private talks, no ehem... gee.. makes me so... you know... )
8. I got those prank smses again...
9. I realize I got myself so busy, i sometimes forgot what I have to do next...
10. I just simply need to remind myself that I've exams tomorrow, and this thing can wait till next week...
11. Karaoke Night is on Wednesday night, but I don't feel like going because I don't have much with me now.
12. OKAY... Time to go back home and study!!

Later~

Wonder and Ponder....

At times, I wonder what my mistakes are and where I had gone ultimately wrong... I dunno when I will ever learn my lesson... I had gone through deep falls in the pits, gone through the lock-ups and left in the darkness... And as soon as I see the light again, I just go around and offer myself to fall again...

I am not stupid, not naive... Just too kind... Just wanting to help others... I dunno why I always want to help others when I can't even help myself. I dunno why I'm giving so much to others, and not any for myself...

I tried to erase my past, maybe that's why I keep forgetting the "lessons learnt" portion of life... Don't ask me why I attempt to erase my past...

What was I thinking when I offered all these goodwill by financial means? Was it because I knew how vulnerable it feels when one is out of cash? Why do I always offer to switch places and be the poorest when I could jolly well be the richest?

I am running out of motivation at work when I found out that it wasn't gonna be me transferred to Aussie. It was someone else... and it seemed to have confirmed... But maybe this is a good thing, I have got a degree to chase and another year to go before I get my passport, so hopefully another opportunity rise for me at a better time for me to seize and just fly across the border to work and be alone...

I really ought to sleep now.. Have got two projects waiting for me tomorrow morning..

Good night, fellas...

And oh, thanks, Mr, for dropping by with valuable advice as usual..

Credits to Blogger.com

Why? Because I just go and rant, and got my 50bucks to survive.. Guess it's just coincidence... but hey.. I should celebrate and rant even more..

Haha.. Gotta go school now.. And my prints has gone missing.. Gee...

Life is getting better but harder

Doesnt make sense? Well, I really dunno what to update really...

Well, KI and I are getting on well... But sometimes, I just still hate him.. But love him just as well... Geesh.. Life's complicated enough, and now it's getting even more complicated...

And people who owe me just refuse to update me with what's going on, and I'm left with just 4 bucks to survive.. WTH??

It's not like I'm asking for full payment, just some for me to survive... For goodness sake, people please use your freaking brains and think of what others have to go through to help, and is this what you have in return? Geesh...

It's not that I expected anything in return for my goodwill.. But geesh, people wake up!! I'm broke because of you guys and all I hear from others about you is that you could afford to play golf and karaoke, but not a cent to give me just so I can survive?! WTF!!?!

I passed my RTT, it expired thats why i retook it... Now i need to renew my PDL but can't because noone seemed to pay me on time and WITHOUT notifying me.. Geesh, am I really that scary or unreasonable for people to be honest and upfront about not being able to pay up?!

And it irritates me more today because my whole freaking body is aching from yesterday's accident! YES, people I got into an accident, got a big huge bump at the side of my knee, another big bump on my thumb and bruises all over... I had to limp everywhere I go...

Why couldnt people just do what they had promised?! Okay, I admit, it's not like I fulfill all my promises, I am aware and I know.. But still, I would have called up and say I couldnt do it anymore..

But all I get now is silence... silence.. and silence....

All my bills were put on hold because of these ungrateful people... Oh when will these people appreciate me? And why am I always surrounded by such people? Geesh....

Go ahead, tell me that it was my choice... My BAD choice... but hey, is it wrong to give people another chance? Is it my fault that they didn't bother trying to make up for their past mistakes?

Argh.. my goodness!! GIMME A BREAK, or I'll end up BREAKING YOUR FACE.....

I'm fuming with anger and irritation... JUST please DO NOT ATTEMPT TO MAKE IT WORSE....

PLEASE!!!!!!!

Is it really too much to ask for a small 20 to 50 bucks as compared to the hundreds that you owe me? I worked doubly the hard and earn the bucks only to be broke yet again, it's almost a cycle, I think ten times to just buy food and there you are taking taxis everywhere, playing golf, going for karaoke, going for a stroll somewhere, do a little shopping and all.. And all I want is to have the little bit of money to EAT, yes EAT... Is it really too much to ask?

Mothers' Day

First and foremost, Happy Mothers' Day to all mommies out there.

I had a talk with Sis yesterday, about what happen and why it happen... It was nice to know and be sure now that KI does loves me... At the same time, sometimes I wonder if things would repeat itself, the reason why I think I need to talk to him more often. I need more time with him. To know him, to know both our likes and dislikes. I guess I loved him too much, and that's just why I gave him another chance to make do. I am honestly giving myself another chance as well...

I missed him more... And it's driving me nuts.. It gives me more reasons to smile, and at the same time, it gives me the shivers should things get repeated. I guess we both needs to work harder on this if we truly love the relationship so much. It's not about who's fault anymore. It's more about how we can make things better.

And I need to talk to him so much... I just want to tell him what I feel... And how much he means to me.. How much I needed to be loved... But at times, I just don't know what to say when I see him, because I miss him so much, and all I want to do was to admire him and hug him till dawn...

I dunno.... Maybe I'm just going crazy....

Rain has poured and haze is partially gone...

Don't ask me why or how, but I have just ran into his arms again... I honestly didnt know he meant so much to me, and that I loved him this ever so much...

And yet, I couldnt sleep till it's about 4 today.. And yes, I'm in the office on time and am stealing time at work again..

My outgoing has been barred, so if you need me, do call me direct on my mobile.

Thanks.

Till later~

My mind in a bad haze

It's hazy here in my mind... Can't really see what's happening... I've became such a stone-hearted lady here. And I guess people should know why.. I am just feeling extra sick and tired of being hurt time and again...

I've given too much face and chances, and everyone's taking full advantage of the ride...

I didnt go to work today... Probably will hit a quiet spot to do up my assignment. I need to see a doctor too... So I think I better hit and run now...

Later~

What more...?

After so much hurt that almost killed me, he text me asking if we could be friends.. Like when will the hurt stop?

Oh, i spent 8 hours at work today and had to return to office tomorrow.. Life will never stop sucking, won't it?

SIGH... I am just way too tired... hungry... and couldnt sleep... No more med to help me sleep....

I couldnt feel much now... I couldnt feel the need to have an emotion at this point of time...

Like I said before, what's the point of anything about it when you know it's only you who cared?

I had tried one time to many to stop caring... Time and again, failure greets my efforts...

Strange, but I miss all the Scorpios in my life... It was said once, that it's hard for Scorpios to get along well with its kind, but it seemed like I had all the good times with only the Scorpios...

Strange as it is... I need a break..... Gimme some cash, and gimme some place to go, where I can leave all my worries and escape for just a moment....

Broken once again

True to what I've expected.. It ended short last night after a series of text messages. I felt cold, shivered even, it was more like I'm frustrated over myself than upset.

I was fine last night because I was with Sharmie.. Had I been alone, there probably would be so much destruction and my potrait could very well be in the front page this morning.

I thought I could hold it up till end of the day, but I couldnt hold it and had to speak to someone. I ended up calling WV. He's the best person to seek advice from. Afterall, he's the only one who can understand me enough. And he's the best person to talk to when in need, because he will say what you need to hear, not words that you want to hear.

I ended up crying like a baby over my confusion in the tsunami of emotions. He was rather calm in handling my situation and he explained what happened to us then. He assured me it wasnt my fault, but couldnt answer when I questioned, "If it wasnt my fault, if it wasnt because of me, then why is it that every guy i know simply walk away or just leave me for some unknown reasons?"

I could tell in his tone that he felt bad about my position. He asked me to not to give up hope. But what's there to hope when you only fall after?

I dunno how, but he managed to made me laugh in midst of my tear bursting session. He made me smile after and allowed to cool off and calm down.

Then I concluded that he's probably the only one who could understand me, and it'd be hard to find someone who could understand me more than he does. I told him this, and he went on saying that I was so far, the only girl who understands him this much. He mentioned something about my libido, and I had to laugh....

What more is there to say? I have just became a walking zombie, there's no more feelings left in my soul. No more tears, no more smiles, only memories remain, but that too is slowly disappearing...

I am tired, just way too tired...

Oh, I am not watching the movie, I sold my tickets away.. There's no point watching it.. I would probably end up crying and then I will have to deal with people asking me why or accusing me of being overly emotional again...

Oh, wtf? Gimme a break.

A talk with her once again..

Clears some parts that has been clogging my head a little. Then again, I am still confused with what to do and how...

I dunno. He texted me after many attempts of calls and texts... only to ask what more I want from him.. So I asked if it's still on this Friday, and all he could say is see how...

I think the movie is luring him more than it would be me luring him...

I am starting to doubt if this is it or if this is just another.... I would be lying to say that I don't care anymore or that I'd be okay to just walk away.. Because I know I am only hurting myself by lying...

On a lighter note, I am darn motivated to go all out on my bike. Thanks to my dearest bro.. Luv you, man! Haha...

We are so gonna race to death.. and have lots of fun...

Apologies, but you may have difficulties finding me once I get the license in my hands...

Gd nyte fellas...

Queer Self Discovery 2

Emotions. Can human live to compromise their emotions? Why must there always be an individual who mock your emotions? Can emotions be truly defined in details?

Love, for example... What is its definition? To compromise and unite two humans?

Hatred for example... What is its definition when hatred can suddenly change into something unlike hatred?

Jealousy for example... What is its definition when jealousy only proves that one has feelings for another and at the same time could destroy the relationship altogether?

Hurt- a feeling that's painful... Painful when it's self-inflicted, and more painful when caused by others, but it also hurts sometimes when you hurt someone else... Then again, I laughed at myself when I hurt myself.. Is this sadism?

I really don't know why I am typing all this and for whom this is for... I am simply in this whole twirl of emotions...

Main cause? Man.. or rather men...

They confuse me... More than I confuse myself... Just me, maybe. I dunno...

It's weird to know that the small things I thought was seen as something big by him, and what I see as big things was seen as just a another joke by him.

I think I don't know him anymore. I am not even sure if I know myself now.

Ego? Mine? His? Maybe both.

I am at a verge to just give myself up for auction. I don't know why I should tolerate flirtatious behaviour and simply admit all fault to be mine... And continue to be the reason of all failure.

On the bright side, I finally went to my Aunt's place, the mom I missed so much. I finally got that bond from my younger brother and sister (and even dad), but still find it awkward with my older brother. But that's good enough. I have found myself a place where I'm still welcomed.

However, I still cant reveal this happiness I've found openly at my own house, it seems like mom is still afraid that dad will be mad. It seems like dad is having those bad past feelings back.. It sucks.. I don't know when this war will end.

I thought it's over and dad has finally open up his heart to forgive and forget, but I guess not...

I still havent found the cure... And I'm hurting so much inside, doesnt help with all the confusion that is building up in my head.

Queer Self Discovery

Why are men always like how they are?

I can never understand why Man A can be just what I needed a man to be but not want him at all and have Man B to be the man I want but can never be the man I want him to be....

Strange.. I know... Trying to figure this out for eons myself...

Why? Is this just being human?

Sickly Week

It's been very sickly this week.. I got myself totally stressed out on Tuesday and what do I get? A really sick Wednesday in the office, constipating, coughing, dizzy-ing around..

Been thinking a lot about how to make up some extra cash to cover my growing bills and expences. Doesnt help with people owing me and not automatically pay up when the time comes. I hate to call up and ask them to pay me back, because I totally know it sucks to be reminded that there's so much debt around.

I don't even have enough for myself and yet I kept trying to help others.. Look at me.. I am thinking so hard to settle my stuff but it feels good that I now have someone to talk about my problems and get feedbacks, reminders and to know that I'm loved.. But still, sometimes, these problems seemed to put some contraints on my relationship.. And this fact sometimes scare me..

Now, I dunno how to ask Bro I to return what he owes and promise me.. Should I propose him to pay through daily installments? Or should I just demand him to pay.. Would doing the latter cost me some respect? How? How? How?

What should I do? What should I say? How do I say it? I am stressed and my body is yelling for a break...

Oh lord, clear my thoughts and calm my mind... Shine me some light in this darkness and help them see my situation like how you helped me see their situation...

Another episode of SuperJ

Weee~~~

Sorry for no updating in time. But I've been busy, and still am busy (I'm stealing some time from the office) All the running at work, school and the after work/school hours.. Geesh... Makes me feel like I'm some superwoman of some kind...

I've been tied down to a lot of commitments week in, week out. Mondays are usually my no-schedule-after-work days which only equates to a much needed rest. Tuesdays and Fridays are work-then-school days. Wednesdays and some Thursdays are work-then-school-meeting days, a day dedicated for meetings for this term's modules. The rest of the Thursdays are usually my BBDC day, a day dedicated to do my bike theories (only starting this week hopefully), before that it was my KI day, would drop by TC to see him. Saturdays are Home Day, a day dedicated to stay home, clean up my room, and spend time with my mom. Sundays are Takraw Day, a day dedicated to watch my dose of Takraw games with KI, video recording each game so KI can watch with his team mates to identify mistakes/good techniques and improve/work on them.

Oh oh.. About me and KI.. Wee~~ Listen up... We got ourselves a couple ring last Sunday.. Very sweet, very awww... Kindda cool.. And after that I kindda talk to him about my emotions and what I feel and all that sort. Kindda tear a bit.. you know the emotions stir up moments.. He just look straight in my eye, and wipe my tears away...

And and.. he's just becoming more and more sweet.. and taking more note of me.. So sweet.. yes.. it's sweet.. And I really hope it stays this way.. because if it gets bitter, I might throw up and would probably die of love poisoning..

And you know what? I better get my mind back to work.. ;p

I heard what you say, indeed I agree.. I'm going insane, and I'm totally crazy.. Then I wonder are all that was typed just an illusion that I create? Or is it real? Hmm.... I'm not entirely sure but I shall put some thought on it... Care to help?

It been 3 months since....

I first spoke to KI. And it seems so good so far.. there're indeed a few distractions from my past acquantances.. I never guessed this would really be different.. I mean, all this while, before I knew him, every guy I meet is just another guy. I never really cared for any of them, and couldnt care any less if they decide to leave. And I never did spare a thought if I need to leave them.

But this, this is different. It's something new, and I wanted to be a better person on my own. Since our first small argument, I suddenly felt a change in myself, I wanted to change my ways... And I am not forced to. I just felt that it's good for me. And him, he stopped doing what I don't like him doing.

Indeed, I fell in love again.. But still I couldn't define what true love means... Strange as it is, I really want and prayed hard for this to work, I dunno... Maybe I am desperate to have a life partner whom I can rely on. I told Fadz that I wouldn't mind having a house-husband. He raised an interesting question, would he mind? I mean men being men.. I'm sure they would feel inferior if a woman support them. I am sure most men would rather they earn the big bucks and let the wife do what she does best.

Maybe I should ask him.. but then again, isn't it too early for such conversation? Oh well... I am once again left in a fit.. Hmm.. Let time tell..

I shall sleep and dream of the future ahead...

Another chance to make do

Yes, finally spoke to him in person.. After some attempts to make do my mistakes...

I was oversensitive. Cried most of the conversation. Didnt know this mean so much to me...

Yes, we finally walk away from the spot to realise that we love each other too much to just give it up over something so petty.

Apologies exchanged, and starting anew.. Not to repeat what has happened..

Can I achieve it? Will I successfully remind myself not to be over the limits, and to always talk things out instead of keeping it inside? Will I be able to handle it in a better way? Will he still be there for me?

I closed my eyes, and I somewhat know that this is not my second, but my last chance. And if I ever screw up, I will regret, and there'll be no return..

I am therefore putting all my sensitivity away and more understanding into this. In hope of some respect in return.

The most hated frustration

The time was due and was erupting from inside, and things just had to go to a worser end which led to unforgiveness. I totally lost control of my most hated emotion. I admit being rude, but wasn't he to be blamed for that?

I could have had it under my control, but it has been accumulating and I haven't got the time to release any at all. It just got the better of me and erupted. And yes, it ended with me in tears only to know noone cares or bother a tiny bit.

Rumours and news was around, and yet noone did nothing to clear things up. He just had to do things that made me unsound. My mind wandered away and got the tiny devil out. I couldnt stand the look or the sound of him that moment, only to miss him the next second. Maybe it was my ego, but I am not going to do anything about it. I'll just let him do the work, and if he does nothing about it, I will be left with nothing to do to him.

Regret? No.. Why should I? It's just another guy, right? Who was nice when far, but a pain in the arse when near..

Why must I always have to deal with these people? My own finding? My own fault? My own defination of happiness in simplicity? My past doings? Maybe... it's just my mental illness playing games with myself...

My head's spinning, my cough's back.. What have I done to myself? Yet another destruction to my nicely painted masterpiece... When will my turn come? It hurts being with someone, and it hurts more to know I will have noone else. What hurts more is I have failed to know my own emotions. Was it out of the devil's green eye? Or was it a sign that he's just like any other guy around?

I need to get out of this realm and start cleaning my own mess.. But how? Where do I start? Why must men particularly make promises only to break them?

I admit this was just a small matter, but it broke my fragile heart.. My feelings became numb when my heart breaks, and I will start to hate everything around me. I wanted so much to just punch the mirror on my wall, but I knew it's gonna hurt.. But why do I always fall in love when I know it's gonna hurt? Why?

Maybe I'm not meant to love. Maybe I should live being alone just with my parents.. The least I know it's worth hurting myself to see them smile, because I know they won't leave me alone or hurt me with intention. The least I know, I'll still have them at the end of the day. At least I know they are still mine only to be shared with someone who's also my own.

Why did I choose such a choice? Why am I doing this to myself - drowning myself in my own pool of tears? Will I ever smile again? Will the void in my life ever get filled up?

Nice and Complete

It's amazing how things change. From what I thought won't work out, it became stronger with each passing day leaving me more complete than before.

Spoke with KI last night. It felt great that he too remember every detail of what we went through from the beginning.

24th December 2006 - I first noticed him but paid no attention to him
11th January 2007 - Saw him again and attempted to talk to him, managed to play a game of pool. First body contact was made.

Then there's a list of things that happened which include me placing a bet, lost and ended up going to S place and meet up with Sister and family. Ate Botak Jones, went to Bario... and Then went over again to S place for a chat, then head down to my place to type out some documents, then shifting to where my "rented" space is, and then there's his birthday party where I got myself drunk and threw up. Then it's Brother's birthday party.. And then there's a series of games that I went to watch, met his god-granny and things like that...

And then there's a series of serious small messages sent across... And here we are now.. So much has had happened in a short span of 2 months eh..

I just hope and pray that this is not one of those that is just good the first 6 months only to suffer the rest of the journey.. I really don't wish to be taken for a ride once again. I think I've had enough of all that... For now, I would just love to indulge in all the goodness for as long as it lasts.

Then there's thoughts of how my parents is going to accept this.. How they are going to react, how he's going to handle it all and such like that.. Then I thought, it's too soon to think of all these isn't it.. I should just face it when the time comes.. For now, I'd continue to know him better..

Time to get my ass moving to touch now... Have a great day ahead...

Falling In Love All Over Again

Sunday was a pretty nice day for me, or shall I add "perfect" to the string of words?

Well, I finally am pretty sure of where I stand in KI's life, and it feels good to know. We ended up talking and straightening things out is this short conversation:-

Me: What do you usually look for in a relationship?

KI: Dunno. You?

Me: Well, I guess trust, honesty and freedom.

KI: Just trust, honesty and freedom is not enough.

Me: So what more do you look for?

KI: Happiness. If you have all the trust and honesty, and not get happiness, what's the point?

Me: Hmm.. You've got the point there... So why has your past relationships fail?

KI: Third party, I guess.

Me: Is there always a third party?

KI: Dunno, I never really ask.

Me: What do you do when you find out about the third party?

KI: Nothing. Well, if I saw her in front of me with another man, then I'll just smile and walk away.

Me: Gasp! That's so my style. My goodness.

We ended it there. And continue watching the movie with me lying in his arms. He suddenly felt so warm and nice. And there, I fell in love once again. Before I knew it, Sunday became Monday and it's time for me to go to work.

My mind wasnt at work, I kept thinking of the conversation I had with him. And then I thought, maybe I should just tell him what's in my mind. And before I could grab my mobile to text him..

KI: Hope you enjoyed the day with me last night.

Me: Certainly do. You're great. And I hope you feel the same. Been thinking, another thing that's so important in a relationship is to feel loved and to be able to fall in love again and again with the same person. I did you twice, maybe thrice. And it feels good.

KI: I did, and wanted to say, thanks for loving me. And that I love you a lot.

Me: And I'd continue to love you for as long as you do.

KI: And so I hereby pledge to love you for as long as it can last.

Me: You made me smile so much.

KI: And why is that?

Me: Guess I never been so much in love for a very long time.

KI: Guess love is in the air for both of us then.

Me: Not guess anymore. It is. And I hope it stays that way.

KI: Me too..

Then I had to text my gf.

Me: Babe, you know what? I'm so in love and I'm scared.

GF: Join the club of fears, babe. Up to meet tonight?

Me: Sure, we've got lots to catch up.

GF: Ok, call me after 6.

Me: Alright see you later.

Excuse me? Asking me why I am feeling scared? Well, I'm scared to feel hurt, I guess.... I think I've got too sick of getting hurt. And I hate to know that falling in love is like bungy jumping or sky diving. When you're lucky, you get the adrelaine rush and feel extremely good, and proud to have done that. When luck is out of the way, you just fall to the ground with bruises. If you're unlucky, you get broken limbs, and if luck hates you, you die.

I can't deny that I felt so good to be with KI and finally be able to say, I'm someone's gf. Then again, I'm afraid if this feeling will fade one day. And it sucks to not be sure if I can handle that one more time.

Oh God, shine me some light, spare me some time, protect me from evil and give me a signal.

Me and gf had the talk that we havent had for a long time, and it feels good to release it all - Guilt-free.

I got home, ate, and got in my room when KI texted me. I called him, and i felt a change. And once again, it left me blushing in disbelief.

AM I REALLY IN LOVE OR WHAT? Geesh.. Love really does make wonders... It really does. I just hope the aftermath is just as sweet if not better. ;)

Gidday All..

A conversation that makes me think

It came to me as a surprise.. After a week being in my rented space, and not coming home.. I finally did and stayed a whole straight week in my parents...

As I got home after work as usual... Mom suddenly sighed and mumbled...

Mom: Sigh! When will I get a new grandchild..?

Me: Huh?

Mom: When will you settle down?

Me: Not anytime soon...

Mom: But we are not getting any younger, besides, you need a family of your own, you know?

Me: Yeah.. But I havent got what I want, yet.. I am still schooling, and I want to school some more.. I am working on my degree, and I will slave myself for my masters and then starve myself for my doctorate... and then I'll kill myself to get a minimum $5K pay cheque...

Mom: Your dreams are a bit too huge, don't you think? How long are you giving us?

Me: Giving you? You mean how much time I am giving myself? Probably 5 years to settle out my debts and certificates, then maybe I'll find myself a good man to meet you folks..

Dad: I don't mind anyone as long as he can care for you like how I care for you..

Me: Oh really? How would you react if I bring home a boy with a body full with tattoos? Would you see him beyond what he has on his body and try to search for the goodness of his heart or are you gonna scream at me because I failed to find a better man?

Mom&Dad: You trying to tell us you are going out with a tattooed guy?

Me: Didnt say anything like that, but didnt you just tell me that you wouldnt care how he looks or what his background is like as long as he cared for me as much as you?

Mom: Well, I guess he should be presentable enough to assure us that he's not those type who are up to no good..

Me: Am tired. Good Night.

Dad: I'll wait 5 years.. and watch what you are up to...

Me: Fine

And so.. That was a conversation well-said... But it made me feel somewhat lonely... Will I ever get there? Will I see my dreams come true? Will my parents still be around?

My degree is not that far away... I am just a hundred behind a 2K pay cheque.. What if nothing has been achieved even after the 5, 7 years.... What if something totally wrong took place in between? Will I be able to face the painful truth and regret after? Will the rest of them point their fingers and start blaming me?

I dunno.. And I won't know..

Touch and Go

Life has been too fast to cope right now. So much so that it became normal to just touch and go in everything we do. Even at the expense of oneself's dignity and pride.

In part time education, like what I am doing right now.. My intake's results were reviewed thrice, with the management blaming the system. This left me being unsure of the system and if it is really reliable now. When I asked for the rest of the students opinions, most of them went on and say, "Well, what is there that we can possibly do? It's a public school and we are all just here for a certificate. So what if we don't get the 1st class honours".

Why couldnt everyone else think like me? I emphasize so much importance on my education, my career, and everything else, and yet everyone else live life with a touch and go style.

Sometimes, I wonder... Maybe the world is really near to an end. Kids as young as 9 are now having and exploring s3x and even got pregnant. Teenagers as young as 16 are now mothers, and still unwed. I am not at all that much older, but I never did go through that, I hated boys in primary school, what more having s3x at that age? I did tried and ended up exploring what s3x is about during my teenage years, but never got to the extent of pregnancy.

At my tender young age, I wanted so much to build my career and upgrade my education as much as I possibly can. And yet there are so many kids and teenagers younger than me who often think they know so much that they need so studying and rather build their social circle. And I keep wondering what will happen to my future generations, how would my kids behave...

I mean really, the world is obviously changing rapidly. How are we to catch up with the fast moving future? Will our kids be much wilder, more ruder, and more bolder?

I guess I should stop thinking too much ahead... I shall just end it here, and go to sleep...

When Things Get Serious

I guess I had figured just the thing that was lagging in my life - Assurance. Someone assured me.. giving some kind of real security. It spring me to life once more, and this time, no faulty springs sprung out to pierce through my hot ass. It felt good.

KI and I finally had the chance to talk some issues out (seriously). And I suddenly find myself falling so deeply in love of some kind. I felt so complete suddenly. At the same time, I think he did what he did because he felt obligated by my contributions, then again, why would he?

Could it be that Mr Right was in disguise to see my true colours, to see if I would be able to accept him for who he is? Could it be just another test for me? I just hope he stays true and be true always. I just hope he fulfil his promises and not create excuses.

I just hope he stays strong to go through thick and thin, and to keep this relationship growing strong. I just hope we are able to stay together no matter how far, and be honest no matter how hard, and may our relationship be blessed by all.

Changes takes time, and may time be at ease with us. Till the day when changes are made and corrected, I shall keep it low to protect its best interest among all.

If it's meant to be, it will be... A realationship out of lust will go bust, but a relationship out of love will float above. We shall wait and see, what tomorrow brings from today...

Down with fever, dry cough and running nose....

Got the body aches as well... Didnt know a late night fever could end up with me without a voice. Which then evolved into a terrible sore throat and the dry cough, and then after some time of attempts to get the flemn out, I got myself a running nose!

Now, on top of every sickness that land on my soul, I am having terrible headache and body pains as well... Urgh...

Didnt help with people like KI who kept insisting on going to the doctor and yet made no attempts of making sure I do that or the least offered to accompany me... And when I said I am heading home, he just simply said ok and waved back at me... Then as I rest my bum on the seat at the stop, he came running across... and I guessed it.. The Sister must have told him to do so...

Sometimes, I wonder where I stand... Sometimes, I wished I could stand up to him and demand him to respect me a little bit more. But at times, I just awed at him and gag wondering if we both deserve a second chance to make the world a better place to live in... Then again I would wonder, "Am I repeating my history? Or am I trying to make-do with my past mistakes?"

I am once again, left insecure and unsure of what's happening... Sometimes, I think I never did think at all... And at the same time, I think I am thinking a little too much...

I don't even know what I am trying to do or prove sometimes.. I loved my parents, and missed them while I was away.. I guess that's why I got sick...

And maybe, at this point of time, I wanted to finally say, and be sure that I have someone whom can really take care of me.. Then again, I am never sure if I can live with someone else again...

SS called sometime ago, claiming that he likes me, and thinks he loves me... He's fickled... I have to say, he's probably too H***y thats why he thinks he loved me because apparently I was always there when he called except the last time, whereby I tried my best to just ignore him because he broke my heart and never even mentioned a word of apology.

Oh, I met Alan last night. A guy who played for Bedok.. And I played Barmaid too.. Just a small favour from the real Barmaid. Oh and LN texted me as well, he wanted to meet but I wanted to rest so not today, not tomorrow... I really dunno whats up with that guy..

You know what, to be honest, I think I am falling for KI... Maybe because he's upfront, honest, critical, oh and not to mention, he's not the sticky type... He'll just let me sit at the furthest end corner talking to my friend and he would just mind his own business until he noticed me alone or for some reason has something to show me or share something with me. I like that.. But I really don't like it when he disturbs passing gals, or the fact that he mentioned another name more than mine.. I mean I don't mind the remarks he makes on them, but the fact that he would actually smile really wide and wave or said hi to them makes me a little bit on the edge.

Maybe I should test him by just being a little flirty with Alan.. Maybe that would reveal his possessive side... I dunno, Dr R said I should talk to him about my condition, but I am afraid he would just laugh it off.. Dr R also mentioned that it's probably from the stress that I have from school. He asked me about my past results, and said that I am trying to be a perfectionist and probably always thinks too lowly of myself even though I myself know that I can do it. And it's so true..

I kept scaring myself for screwing up when in actual fact there's no screw up situation to talk about. I kept hearing voices and kept thinking someone is watching me, but everything would be back to normal as soon as the exams and results are done and over with. I guess it's more stressful now because of my paranoil about relationships and such.

Dr R mentioned another thing that amaze me of his specialty, he said, "You are someone who tried to avoid getting involved and at the same time wants to get involved, and when you are involved, you tend to regret"

I confuse myself with my emotions and fears. Sometimes, I wish I could just disappear, but the fact that noone would come looking for me saddens me. Noone ever would look for me. Noone would because everyone has their own things to worry about, somethings that are just much much more important that myself. I am selfless, but am I not to be?

When I helped, I never did asked anything in return, I only demand that you keep to your promises, and yet you keep breaking it and I am to just keep mum and let everyone else think that I am depending on you?

When I obediently followed to what you needed of me, are you then allowed to keep instructing me as and when you please and I am not to rebel because when I do, you said I am rude. Am I rude to demand the least respect from you? I am not trying to remind you of my good deeds, but the least you could do is to give me some face. But you didn't. You embarrassed me, with or without you knowing it, you did break my heart and increased my fears...

Sometimes, I just wished I never knew you this much, but I had fallen yet again, and I am once again afraid to move away knowing that I would have to severe many other relationships along with yours. Am I selfless, to think of my own happiness?

Life is a mess.. And it's messier when you are sick.. I need more help..