Something out of nothing...

*Please note that this post is written is two separate occassion. (also due to the internet problems back at home)

Well, recalling the last post that I published.. The part about KI being out of proportion, I think it's good, but then again, when everything is going uphill, the only way next is probably to go down where the hard rock finally greet this face of mine... I dunno... But he outstandingly became more in control of his temper and with the way he put his words...


The person he confided him probably has some influence in his change. He seemed to be more toned down, easier to manage, but sometimes, I just end up not knowing him at all because the change is that much. At times where an argument is most likely to occur, and me expecting him to show his temper, and preparing myself for words to be shot out into my head, he just surprise me by just talking as per normal, he does sound a little irritated the first time, but when I ask him, why the tone, are you angry with me? He just chuckled and said no..

I know I shouldn't be complaining, it's all good. But then again.. If he can change so drastically in such short span, wouldn't be just as easy for him to return to how he was before? And what scares me most is I really have no idea who and where this influence come from.

He willingly accept to handle my matters with his acquantances without much push and pull like before. He starts to tell me what looks nice on me and what not.. These was never mentioned before. He'll just critisize what I wear and how I wear what I wear, but now it was more like options for me to choose.

He seemed to be on a higher mood and have let out a better aura towards me. Just like last Saturday, after some shopping, he noticed me counting my fingers and asked what's wrong, and I just looked at him and he went like, money problems eh? and I just nod away, and he starts to talk to me of what the problem is and how I should handle it.. I admit not all his solutions are feasible, but I guess that's good enough for now.

At times I just wish he stop running from reality and start trying harder to support me instead.

Oh, I had a dream last night... A heated argument with someone who had returned from somewhere far from the public but surrounded with his own kind. KI was there but didn't do much or even try to interupt, and after all the police calling and everything KI sat next to me and asked if he's really the one I'm looking for.

And I remember clearly what I said in that awkward dream... I said, " It's not that hard to impress and satisfy me. I don't look for heritary wealth, or highly educated man. I look for someone who can make me happy and give me what I can't get by myself. No money can possibly buy happiness, maybe money will help you be happy, but I don't get to bring all the money into my grave. I want to live my life happy with someone who will be there for me no matter what happens. I want that person to try and to see with my own eyes and heart that he's trying to make me happy. I want someone who would listen and debate when I am wrong, I want someone who would laugh and cry with me. I want someone who have strengths in my weaknesses. I just want to be able to be myself and love that someone for whoever he is. Not more, not less"

I woke up wishing I could tell someone this. I wish I could speak more with someone.. But no matter how I try, I always end up listening to all everyone wants to say and not mention a word about myself. Often, when given the opportunity to voice my points, I end up not knowing how and where to start and so I gave the opportunity away to someone else...

I don't know why I feel so alone, like noone else would care. Like noone else would have noticed my eyes so full of misery, like noone else would have noticed how full my brain is with my own problems... like I don't matter to anyone at all...

Seriously, is life really that worthless that noone else seemed to care about another or themselves for that matter?