Don't let me be the last...

When time is no more about us, I wish I was strong to tell the world you still have my back... But I wasn't... When time was about us, I wish I was strong to let you go when you made a mistake, but I didn't manage to gather that little strength I should have. When they warned me not to make them the last to know, do they actually know I was the one who's often the last to know? I guess not.

I know not, if I should say you're still in my life, or if you were long gone. Everytime I wake up, your face greets mine, in the last moment of my dreams.. Everytime I breathe, I felt your lips on mine... Everytime, I look at my reflection, I saw you next to me. It felt like you never left me, or was it more like I never wanted you to go?

I felt deep yearnings of you. And yet I have to restrain. I failed to note which to route to follow, the heart, the emotions, or the dreams.... You kept me company, physically, mentally or emotionally, it felt just the same.

I wanted to run and be there for you, but I failed to convince myself if you'd do the same for me. I hesitated, and I delayed. And yet I know, I couldn't hold this any longer. I needed you more than ever. The more I hear others talking about you, the more I felt like you were for me. Queer, I know.

You gave me freedom in whatever I do, you never whined when I said I'm going away with some other guy. You never said a thing when I said I'm going out drinking with my girls. You irritate me with your lame jokes, and the way you notice things about other girls, but you were just being you. You don't lie, just that you never tell most things about you. And that's where the problem lies...

I wish to have a time where only us exists for you to tell me everything. I wish for a time when I can love you for the real you and not the potray everyone has of you. I wish for one moment of you confessing to the various mysteries you've left me behind.

I knew you did a mistake back then. Now when I think about it, if you hadn't been serious enough, you wouldn't have introduced me to your real mom, to your aunt, or to anyone for that matter. I heard all of them said about you not being with anyone this serious before, and sometimes, when I was alone.... I wish I am still with you... To know you better, and help you mend your ways... And be as normal as a being can be.

I dreamt of you being at home with the kids, I knew then something doesnt seem right, but I somehow like it to be that way. Strange as it can be... But that's how I want to be. To have someone who will handle what I can't handle that very well full time, and do what I can do best full-time without any worries about things back at home. I know everyone would be against that, and you'd be the one man who would not feel insecure being the person handling house chores and deal with the women who wear the pants.

Confused once more, I should be careful of what I wish for... But I wish you were back in my life, somewhere at the back of my head, just to know if you're okay, at least..

My feelings are strong and weak all at the same time now... And I'm at lost of what I should do about what I have in my hands....