Down with fever, dry cough and running nose....

Got the body aches as well... Didnt know a late night fever could end up with me without a voice. Which then evolved into a terrible sore throat and the dry cough, and then after some time of attempts to get the flemn out, I got myself a running nose!

Now, on top of every sickness that land on my soul, I am having terrible headache and body pains as well... Urgh...

Didnt help with people like KI who kept insisting on going to the doctor and yet made no attempts of making sure I do that or the least offered to accompany me... And when I said I am heading home, he just simply said ok and waved back at me... Then as I rest my bum on the seat at the stop, he came running across... and I guessed it.. The Sister must have told him to do so...

Sometimes, I wonder where I stand... Sometimes, I wished I could stand up to him and demand him to respect me a little bit more. But at times, I just awed at him and gag wondering if we both deserve a second chance to make the world a better place to live in... Then again I would wonder, "Am I repeating my history? Or am I trying to make-do with my past mistakes?"

I am once again, left insecure and unsure of what's happening... Sometimes, I think I never did think at all... And at the same time, I think I am thinking a little too much...

I don't even know what I am trying to do or prove sometimes.. I loved my parents, and missed them while I was away.. I guess that's why I got sick...

And maybe, at this point of time, I wanted to finally say, and be sure that I have someone whom can really take care of me.. Then again, I am never sure if I can live with someone else again...

SS called sometime ago, claiming that he likes me, and thinks he loves me... He's fickled... I have to say, he's probably too H***y thats why he thinks he loved me because apparently I was always there when he called except the last time, whereby I tried my best to just ignore him because he broke my heart and never even mentioned a word of apology.

Oh, I met Alan last night. A guy who played for Bedok.. And I played Barmaid too.. Just a small favour from the real Barmaid. Oh and LN texted me as well, he wanted to meet but I wanted to rest so not today, not tomorrow... I really dunno whats up with that guy..

You know what, to be honest, I think I am falling for KI... Maybe because he's upfront, honest, critical, oh and not to mention, he's not the sticky type... He'll just let me sit at the furthest end corner talking to my friend and he would just mind his own business until he noticed me alone or for some reason has something to show me or share something with me. I like that.. But I really don't like it when he disturbs passing gals, or the fact that he mentioned another name more than mine.. I mean I don't mind the remarks he makes on them, but the fact that he would actually smile really wide and wave or said hi to them makes me a little bit on the edge.

Maybe I should test him by just being a little flirty with Alan.. Maybe that would reveal his possessive side... I dunno, Dr R said I should talk to him about my condition, but I am afraid he would just laugh it off.. Dr R also mentioned that it's probably from the stress that I have from school. He asked me about my past results, and said that I am trying to be a perfectionist and probably always thinks too lowly of myself even though I myself know that I can do it. And it's so true..

I kept scaring myself for screwing up when in actual fact there's no screw up situation to talk about. I kept hearing voices and kept thinking someone is watching me, but everything would be back to normal as soon as the exams and results are done and over with. I guess it's more stressful now because of my paranoil about relationships and such.

Dr R mentioned another thing that amaze me of his specialty, he said, "You are someone who tried to avoid getting involved and at the same time wants to get involved, and when you are involved, you tend to regret"

I confuse myself with my emotions and fears. Sometimes, I wish I could just disappear, but the fact that noone would come looking for me saddens me. Noone ever would look for me. Noone would because everyone has their own things to worry about, somethings that are just much much more important that myself. I am selfless, but am I not to be?

When I helped, I never did asked anything in return, I only demand that you keep to your promises, and yet you keep breaking it and I am to just keep mum and let everyone else think that I am depending on you?

When I obediently followed to what you needed of me, are you then allowed to keep instructing me as and when you please and I am not to rebel because when I do, you said I am rude. Am I rude to demand the least respect from you? I am not trying to remind you of my good deeds, but the least you could do is to give me some face. But you didn't. You embarrassed me, with or without you knowing it, you did break my heart and increased my fears...

Sometimes, I just wished I never knew you this much, but I had fallen yet again, and I am once again afraid to move away knowing that I would have to severe many other relationships along with yours. Am I selfless, to think of my own happiness?

Life is a mess.. And it's messier when you are sick.. I need more help..