The time was due and was erupting from inside, and things just had to go to a worser end which led to unforgiveness. I totally lost control of my most hated emotion. I admit being rude, but wasn't he to be blamed for that?
I could have had it under my control, but it has been accumulating and I haven't got the time to release any at all. It just got the better of me and erupted. And yes, it ended with me in tears only to know noone cares or bother a tiny bit.
Rumours and news was around, and yet noone did nothing to clear things up. He just had to do things that made me unsound. My mind wandered away and got the tiny devil out. I couldnt stand the look or the sound of him that moment, only to miss him the next second. Maybe it was my ego, but I am not going to do anything about it. I'll just let him do the work, and if he does nothing about it, I will be left with nothing to do to him.
Regret? No.. Why should I? It's just another guy, right? Who was nice when far, but a pain in the arse when near..
Why must I always have to deal with these people? My own finding? My own fault? My own defination of happiness in simplicity? My past doings? Maybe... it's just my mental illness playing games with myself...
My head's spinning, my cough's back.. What have I done to myself? Yet another destruction to my nicely painted masterpiece... When will my turn come? It hurts being with someone, and it hurts more to know I will have noone else. What hurts more is I have failed to know my own emotions. Was it out of the devil's green eye? Or was it a sign that he's just like any other guy around?
I need to get out of this realm and start cleaning my own mess.. But how? Where do I start? Why must men particularly make promises only to break them?
I admit this was just a small matter, but it broke my fragile heart.. My feelings became numb when my heart breaks, and I will start to hate everything around me. I wanted so much to just punch the mirror on my wall, but I knew it's gonna hurt.. But why do I always fall in love when I know it's gonna hurt? Why?
Maybe I'm not meant to love. Maybe I should live being alone just with my parents.. The least I know it's worth hurting myself to see them smile, because I know they won't leave me alone or hurt me with intention. The least I know, I'll still have them at the end of the day. At least I know they are still mine only to be shared with someone who's also my own.
Why did I choose such a choice? Why am I doing this to myself - drowning myself in my own pool of tears? Will I ever smile again? Will the void in my life ever get filled up?
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