Another Long Update....

6th September 2007, Thursday.

I decided to lodge a police report about the SGR secret. I think it’s been long dued for a proper action to be taken. I guess I knew why I delayed, not because I was afraid but because I was ashamed to be this stupid to actually allow someone use my name so easily.

I still don’t know what I should say when I step into the police station. Should I go like, “Hmm… I want my SGR back, but I don’t know where it is. Can you help me?” Or should I go like, “Hmmm… SGR is going to be taken away, I don’t know where it is, but I want it back… How?”

Sounded more stupid than it already is, don’t you think?

KI has been pretty quiet recently, and I wonder why. Am not about to guess, but honestly, I am slightly affected, but able to forget about it. I had strange weird stupid dreams about him lately. Oh well…

For the anonymous lady, you know and I definitely know who you are, I texted you my comments on your comments… For those who are keen to know, here’s what I’ve got to say, (I hope you don’t mind me sharing)

“I guess we both know what sort of things we will have to deal when reality hits but blinded with the littlest hope and love we have for someone. I know somehow I want to give it a try and yet I know it won’t work unless he change the way he is…
We both know. And yet we kept trying to do the almost impossible thing, only to wonder what went wrong…”

And after saying all these, I still have that littlest hope to fight for… Strange, it’s like walking to a road with a sign that says “DEAD END” and yet I still keep walking in hope to find the way out.

I sometimes wonder if there will ever be the one for me, who could provide me more than enough. But what is enough when I want more than just enough. Now that’s another unknown definition beyond explanation. However, I’ll give it a try…

Enough is when one can provide the basic needs, money, shelter and companion. If one can’t provide me these, then provide me love, care, concern, a listening ear, tender touch, a shoulder to cry on, a hug when I feel alone, a kiss when I feel unloved and words of wisdom when I’m on the verge of giving up.

Enough is not enough when one forgets my existence in the presence of others, or failed to put me before everything else when doing something. Enough is never enough when one failed to stand up for me when someone hurts me. Enough is not when one refuses to take over the steering wheel when it’s due. Enough is never when one only thinks of his own lost or benefits and not ours.

Call me selfish, but love is only when one is able to let go of everything for that person one loved. Love is when nothing else matters as long as the person one love is happy and well. Love is when something’s amiss, one can only think of the person one loves.

I guess I’ve had enough said. Good night.

9th September, Sunday

At times like this, after a long chat of all the unknown depressing things that has been bothering us, I felt like we both need a long break doing some researching within our souls. It’s has always been and will always be about someone else above our own importance somehow. We kept saying maybe He has something better for us, what seriously, what is it that could be better? We wonder, and we continue to wonder, for years we will, and still be without much clue to an answer.

Sometimes, I really wonder if I mean anything to anyone for real or if anyone has some significant meaning to me- except my parents- for that matter. Is there seriously someone out there who deserves more care and attention from me more than myself? I really don’t know if it would be worth. I really don’t.

I guess my biggest sin on Earth is being just way to nice to everyone and everything. I let go, but never within myself. Nothing seemed to work… Then again, everything is falling into place. I have got a great career worth talking about, I still got my parents, my family, and my friends… What more could I have lacked?

Maybe a stable boyfriend who supports me would have made my life better, then again, there’ll be more to the list that could make my life much better… Then what is it that’ll make me ultimately?

I wonder…