Apologies but I have to update. Don't mind me...
Sunday, 26th August 2007
Today seemed like the best days spent with KI… He actually kept me company in my office from 1230 right up to 2030hrs. He even helped me out with some of the work that needs to be done. That I have to give him credit…
He seemed to have taken note of me more than before. I guess deep inside he has this soft spot for me, and knew that no other girl could or will even think about doing what I am for him… But like every men, he just won’t admit it openly. Maybe he’d confess to that only when I’m no longer.
Deep inside, I knew he cared for me… Just sometimes, my expectations got wild…
Today he had stolen my heartbeat, and I don’t know what tomorrow will bring me… I just hope it’s better than today…
I finally caught up with my coach on Friday night. I always had good talks with him. This time he asked me why women always think they had everything to lose when a relationship didn’t work. And I begged to differ. I told him I don’t have a thing to lose. And he asked me how I came about with that theory, how I was different and why I wouldn’t have anything to lose. I told him I would deny to not lose a single thing when it fails but I will have plenty to benefit, more than I would lose anything.
And here’s what and why. I would have wasted my time and energy. But three things why I wouldn’t have lost but benefit a)money – I still have my career, my pay and my benefits, in fact I would have saved money if I am single b) people – I still have my family and friends to be with c) self-worth – I don’t lose my worth by failing in a relationship. With this, the lost would be a benefit returned to me. I would have more time and energy for all the things that I haven’t been doing whilst being with someone.
Deep down I know, this relationship with KI would be one of those which is hard to get over with should it ever end. And that KI would be one of those whom I’ll have a terrible time letting go of.
He’s not that a bad guy after you know him and being with him for some time. You’d actually find him to be such a nice guy gone wrong in his early parts of his life.
I probably had written about why I was attracted by him initially… It was the fact of how simple life was for him and how he took it in his stride. That was just what hooked me into this love trap. I just love the way he criticize people around him with the truth. He knows his facts and he takes what people have to say about him with the willingness to accept.
I just love watching him talk, loved the way he remembers everything without trying, and how he denies with that smile that just tell you he knows and is pretending. I love the way he takes charge of the situation and people around it. I admired him for doing just about the simplest things in life that made a difference to the world. And I wouldn’t stop doing that. Oh, and I enjoyed his confidence in life. Not once did he showed me any signs of insecurity in him.
Oh well… the morning is greeting me and I got to sleep. Good night, folks.
Saturday, 1st September 2007
We had our 8th movie date in Hall 8, how about that eh? We watched the Ratatouille… It was a great show; it was more for adults than it is for kids for its cartoon-nic nature. It has more adult issues that there could ever be for a kid.
I mean which kid would have a problem with who they are and how they are? No kid would have a problem accepting their ownselves to be human. Maybe it just would or could teach a kid to be whatever they want for as long as it’s for the good and if they really want to be someone, they could as long as they have the guts and faith…
And to admit and give credit to those who really deserve it. And to not scoop to the opponents level to win or get even. But it is rather too deep or rather advanced for a kid to take note, don’t you think?
Anyway, I felt troubled up here, in my mind throughout the day… KI kept asking if I’m alright… I just brushed it off and away… I really don’t know… Sometimes I really wish I can just have my own kids and yet not be married. It’s less of a hassle, of course I know it’s a sin, and more to that – it’d be difficult doing the explaining to the kid alone…
I just, well I dunno… I’m just not made for marriage… I really have my doubts, not because people around me are divorced, have been divorced or filing for divorce… But only because of my personal issues with commitment and freedom…
I knew deep inside me that I can’t be with someone who can only provide me enough, but I needed more than enough. Money- I think anyone can make or find money, but happiness… that’s something just so magnificent. Freedom and trust, that must be earned, and not controlled.
I guess I can get pretty okay with KI, only if parents can see that. He may not be able to provide me financially and all that basic things… But I guess he can teach me many other perspectives that I’ve failed to reach.
KI has some values that I don’t and I have what he lacked. It’s like a perfect jigsaw puzzle and it just may and may not work depending on if we are the right piece at the right spot…
What I do know is, it doesn’t matter if KI and I will ever end up together, KI will still be a big part of me… And hopefully, I have a place in his world no matter what happens.
I guess the only way to get marriage in both our minds is to go horribly wrong in our doings and end up with something that would mean greatly to both of us to work on something and get to a compromise.
Like I said, it might. And it might just simply screw up. We may be stronger together and we may just say goodbye without a word.
Something tells me that I might very well end up in a very long relationship with him because we need each other so much. But I have a feeling that we never will get married –maybe live with each other, but not married… maybe have kids but keep it as a secret. I dunno… It’s strange and I know – but I’m not going to let him go and I know I won’t regret either. Maybe that’s the only way to be single till time is right for me to step into another marriage. Why pressure him and make my stress level higher?
Live by the day like he said, and be strong to last like I said. He can be the king but I still have the power in my hands. I make my future and he makes his. I can my own life, and he has his. So why worry?
I guess we are the same, to mingle is our habit, but we can stay true to our own definition.
If love is true, and fate is written this way, then let it be. To go against all odds is my nature, but I also know if it’s meant to be, it will be. If it’s not, it’s only a lesson to be learnt.
We can both be young, but we have both gone through what not many people our age goes through. We may not realize that, but we both know it somehow. At least, we are not hypocrites who deny the truth or spread rumours for their own benefits.
It’s getting late, and everyone’s asleep. And so shall I… Good night, dearest.
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1 comment:
You sound lk me 7yrs ago. Im estatic for u and not. Happy, cos i rem hw it felt to need and wan someone the same way they needed and wanted you.
It's like, it doesnt get better then this.Well.You're rite.It doesnt.You noe wat they say.Wen ur up,ther's nowhere else to go except down.The only person ever,u wan to lean on or look 4ward to.
Trust me,i can recall e way i felt lk it was yesterday.Wanted to be wit him 4a long time,nvr saw the end,but nvr saw marriage either.Wanted to hve his kids but no marriage.Wished the entire world consisted of him and me,so i din hve 2ans 2any1.Especially e parents.I knew then wat u noe now,e relationship setting up jus to fail.But u wanna get as many gd days out of it b4 it ends.Thats wat i worked so hard for too,mostly to be a part of each others lives even if it doesnt work.I believed 7yrs was more then enuf to hve a civil after math.I mean hw can some1 4get 7yrs of fantastic ups and impossibly low downs.Rite?Imagine my surprise wen i realised i was the only one steering the relationship,e mmt i stopped 2smell e flowers my entire world came crashing down.E one time i looked to him to lead me,he failed.Thn it hit me, e.time i called on him 2mk a decision he'd leave it 2me i tot he was being sweeet but i realised that he was incapable, mostly lazy.He'd rather sit in e passenger sit.But isnt he e man i tot,e need and love i had 4him overwhelmed e need 4him 2step up 2e plate.And tat was THE BIGGEST MISTAKE.So, get this.Your the one making decisions bout e.thing,i mean e.thing.So tell me, who's gonna be emost exhausted or affected if it fails?Tats e reason i think i cant seem to let go.I tried SO hard, gv e.thing.So why me, why us was e question.I've tried e.way possible;cried,gotten angry,tried 2run away,pretend i dun cre,drink it away,used substitudes.U noe.U were there.
Nw, i think i did those cos i knew i wouldnt b able to accept wen reality hits in e face.The inevitable will show its ugly head.
I know he loved me n always will.And there will nvr be anyone else who will compare to wat i had wit him.But tats jus it,tats all he was able to give.I finally got it, hw much he loved me and wat he gave was not enuf, it nvr was.I was too involved wit e.thing else in the relationship, except the feelings.Cos i knew they were ther but nvr realised hw much.Until, e.thing else fell apart n love was the only thing left standing.And he came up short.
Ur rite, u wouldnt regret a thing.It was amazing while it lasted, thats wat u think u'll say.If i noe u and if its anything the way i felt,im afraid for u.U'll nvr be able to let go,u might get ur wish;no marriages.I did gv u a heads up,tat went in deaf ears.
The only thing left 2say is,i pray 2god tt it turns out well.And if it doesnt i hope u show more class then i did getting out of it.
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