| Assalam alaik my friends... May your morning be filled with smiles to spread along the happiness throughout the day ahead. Sometimes I wonder what others are thinking when they go around accusing and assuming... I mean I dunno why some people now thinks that my blade expert is someone I'm dating or seeing.. I dunno why people around are still having that mentality that if a girl befriends a boy, it has to be BGR.. Why? Can't it just be an innocent friendship built? I dun befriend every guy with the intention to make him my boyfriend. I have far much better things to think of, and I am far better than that. I grew up with boys, and naturally, I get along better with boys as compared to my own kind. I enjoy the company of Adam as compared to Eve, but that doesn't mean I am less of an Eve or leaning to become an Adam. Besides, my blade expert is not someone I just knew, I've known him for quite sometime already, and it has been a long time since we catch up, and perhaps I never mentioned him before using the term "blade expert" because I never knew he was into blading until recently. True, there're chemistry between us, but that does not automatically means that we will end up together. Neither me nor my blade expert had discussed this possibility, which goes to say that our focus is just on friendship and not a serious relationship. Obviously it does not mean that a serious relationship will not be built, but it just simply mean that we are not exactly thinking of that at this moment. Who knows what will happen in 5years time anyway? And Mr Nice Guy texted me again.. I dunno why it seems that he never thinks before expressing... true he never beat anyone especially a woman, then why say to hurt? I could have done the same too... And say things like, "Oh I never meant what I said", but hey, I've said what I said, and I've hurt someone whether I like it or not and there's no way that I can take back the words that I've said to someone, can I? Mr Nice Guy has been doing this spitting and licking back his spit, hoping he can just cover up the spitting by doing just that. I'm sorry, Mr Nice Guy. It doesnt work like that. It's either to get straight up and admit your fault, stop blaming everyone else, and start making do with what you have done and think deeper and find out what you can do to redeem your mistake or just stop/end it without provoking further. You dun spit, and lick back only to spit it all back out because it is just too hard. You either spit, walk away, or spit and come back to clean up the mess properly using tissue or a mop. Get it? I am trying to make you see what I see, but you refuse to see and learn. Time to wake up, Mr Nice Guy. And please think before you speak. And think before you react. You're not at an age to act on impulse and get away with it. Stop asking or telling me that there are better men out there. It is obvious because there are better men in every men. It's just up to the man to bring out the better man in him. Anyone can be the better man, and anyone can be the best of the best. At the end of the day, it's really up to the individual.And that includes yourself. You can be a better man. Wassalam. |
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Think ahead....
Email testing
| Assalam alaik everyone. I hope you all had a fabulous day as I had today. My day was spent at home doing my chores, scheduling my time & everything else. Lin & Fendy then asked if I'd like to join them blading. I agreed and invited along my blade expert (in my terms - not the public term). I was the first to arrive, then my blade expert, followed by dearest Lin & Fendy. I made a rather bad introduction, my blade expert had to introduce himself to Lin & Fendy... Bad aren't I? Haha.. Anyways, I enjoyed myself, and I hope they had enjoyed their day with me as well. As Lin & Fendy made their exit, me and my blade expert decide to grab dinner before heading home. We shared a plate of satay. I dunno why we both were hungry but just dun feel too hungry upon reaching the food court. I enjoyed my blade expert's company. I enjoy hearing his speech, he has a lot of insights that I never received before, and he can be a real eye opener. He can definitely go on and on about life and I seriously and honestly enjoyed that kindda topic. It helps me see the bigger picture of life, really. I mean, we being humans, we tend to see it in this narrow, shallow and very likely negative view. No matter how positive we can be, we can't always see both sides, and that's why we need friends around to help us see the other side of perspective, and the other view of things or rather LIFE on its own. Everything in life can be seen in many many ways, it's just a matter of whether you wanna see it or if you choose not to see it. I believe many have encountered seeing a promotion as something great, but know a few people who see it as a punishment. Some say promotion is good, more pay, more benefits, more authority. And others say, promotion is bad, more work, more commitment, more responsibility. And a few would see both sides and tackle it in a more professional way. These few people are the ones who would see a problem as opportunity. These few people are those who play it smart. And these people are the people that I like to be associated with. And my blade expert seemed to be one of those. I added him to the list of role models. I wanna learn from him. His perspective, his views, his speech, are all tools and there're a lot of lessons to learn from them. He seemed to have a few things in common with Ilham. There's some kind of a magnetic field within his radar. And it seems to be attracting my attention. It scares me sometimes, but I became addicted almost. Good or bad, I've yet to know. Wassalam. |
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
It's not hatred.. I just had enough...
Mr Nice Guy texted me again a few hours ago.. I hated his reactions. He seemed to become or perhaps he is already like that (without me realising). He seemed to be one of those kinds that "it's ok if i do it, but noone else can do that back to me" kindda person. In short - BIG EGO.. Too huge for my liking.
I had to defend myself from his hurtful words and all whenever someone else throws a tantrums, with threats of him leaving me, or that I could never tutor ah-girl anymore, or that he dun want to ever hear from me again. And all I had reacted was a mere, "ok, whatever it is, i'll always be here whether you like it or not because i care" & what did i get in return? I mean yes honestly I said I was sincere and I wasn't looking for anything in return.. But HEY.. I am HUMAN.
And when I decide to put it all to a stop and have my ALONE time. He decides that I was just trying to show people how big my head can be? Ridiculous.. I mean seriously.. Enough is enough... I had given him so many - in fact too many chances. And he took all of it for granted. And one request of me wanting my alone time became just a hassle for him to handle - so much so that he had to hurt me unnecessarily.
And the fact that he couldn't even tell that it wasn't even me replying those texts. I know I would blow it off, break down, looked stupid and suffer alone if I were to reply. So I let my phone off to someone I trust to do the replying. I didn't even checked the sent messages. And I even requested that all messages be deleted because I can't bear to see or read.
Just one or two messages that was shown that totally broke my heart. Then I knew, he was never really meant for me. He threatened to beat me up. Why? Had he cared genuinely, he won't say such things. And had he cared enough, he would have just allowed me my alone time instead of accusing me of having a good time and what not.
He had a wife, and a girlfriend. I was merely an outsider. And I said nothing. But when I was having my ALONE time to clear my thoughts, I was accused of having someone new & having a good time. What's the meaning of all these?
I told my friend to sink the ship for I couldn't hold any longer. As said before, my patience has its limits, my strength has its peak, I am only human to be hurt & to have had enough.
I guess he thought Ilham was a real man.. Little did he know, Ilham is just my imaginary thoughts that had lifted me up and pushed me to stay alive..
Ilham was my loyal friend then, and he still is, in my mind, in my thoughts. And I had to thank my friend, who had sinked the ship in her ways. I dun wish to know. But I know, I should not regret.
If it's meant to be, it shall be.. If it's not... It will never be..
I believe in fate, and I have faith. I just wanna be alone.. With or without Ilham, I wanna be alone.. I dun need anymore Mr Nice Guy, retired King, or anyone for that matter. I dun need another guy to come crushing my broken heart again, and over again.
I need my Ilham... And just my Ilham... to company me and finish this little story that I've been writing. And I just hope people around me would forgive me for all the things/troubles that I've put them through unknowingly.
My financial woes got worse.. But there's nothing I can do.. Ilham's been trying to motivate me & tell me all will be okay.. But something opposing Ilham is weakening him somehow.. But I knew Ilham would be stronger. Then again, I know how that feels..
Just because we are stronger, ppl kept pushing us to be stronger, forgetting that we are only human, and that we have our weaknesses too. And soon, they took us for granted. They forget their thank you, please, and how much we needed motivation to keep the fire going...
I just hope Mr Nice Guy will get things through his thick skull, that not everything will go his way, and that he should stick to his words, and make a choice. He can't be having everything or enjoying the best of both or rather three worlds. He needs to make a choice, and the choices sometimes if not all the time, requires sacrifice. And for as long as he refuses to let go and make the sacrifice, he will never acquire pure happiness.
And for once, stop trying to prove others of your power. The world doesn't evolve around you. And kill that ego.. You're not always right, and obviously, with your attitude trying to over do everyone else just shows that you're not good at managing your own strength and weaknesses and you're not a good team mate to have. You always wanna win, you never admit your losses. And it seems to me you like to drama without executing your moves.
Don't expect others to do what you couldn't. You couldn't even execute your loyalty, and with you throwing hurtful words, you expected me to be 100% loyal and unchanged. I am human, Mr Nice Guy. I'm no angel. Get that into your thick skull..
I dun hate you, but I definitely hate your attitude and character. You're no longer the guy I used to know, dun expect me to be the girl you used to know. And I changed not because of you. So dun expect me to be the old lady you used to know, because that lady you used to know, would have gone up to wherever you are and made a scene, or go into the forum and make a big fuss.
In fact, you start to use others to make people involved feel guilty. You were the one who said it's over and that the tutoring was off, and with a snap of a finger, you changed your mind. You never think before saying anything, do you? And you expect people to manage how they say things when still feeling provoked?
Mr Nice Guy, I hope this would be something for you to think about. Think, and re-think. Reflect & tell yourself, what happened, why and how to make do with it.. As much as I wanted to be here to continually help you, I came to realize that the more I helped you, the more you didn't seem to learn.
I had to defend myself from his hurtful words and all whenever someone else throws a tantrums, with threats of him leaving me, or that I could never tutor ah-girl anymore, or that he dun want to ever hear from me again. And all I had reacted was a mere, "ok, whatever it is, i'll always be here whether you like it or not because i care" & what did i get in return? I mean yes honestly I said I was sincere and I wasn't looking for anything in return.. But HEY.. I am HUMAN.
And when I decide to put it all to a stop and have my ALONE time. He decides that I was just trying to show people how big my head can be? Ridiculous.. I mean seriously.. Enough is enough... I had given him so many - in fact too many chances. And he took all of it for granted. And one request of me wanting my alone time became just a hassle for him to handle - so much so that he had to hurt me unnecessarily.
And the fact that he couldn't even tell that it wasn't even me replying those texts. I know I would blow it off, break down, looked stupid and suffer alone if I were to reply. So I let my phone off to someone I trust to do the replying. I didn't even checked the sent messages. And I even requested that all messages be deleted because I can't bear to see or read.
Just one or two messages that was shown that totally broke my heart. Then I knew, he was never really meant for me. He threatened to beat me up. Why? Had he cared genuinely, he won't say such things. And had he cared enough, he would have just allowed me my alone time instead of accusing me of having a good time and what not.
He had a wife, and a girlfriend. I was merely an outsider. And I said nothing. But when I was having my ALONE time to clear my thoughts, I was accused of having someone new & having a good time. What's the meaning of all these?
I told my friend to sink the ship for I couldn't hold any longer. As said before, my patience has its limits, my strength has its peak, I am only human to be hurt & to have had enough.
I guess he thought Ilham was a real man.. Little did he know, Ilham is just my imaginary thoughts that had lifted me up and pushed me to stay alive..
Ilham was my loyal friend then, and he still is, in my mind, in my thoughts. And I had to thank my friend, who had sinked the ship in her ways. I dun wish to know. But I know, I should not regret.
If it's meant to be, it shall be.. If it's not... It will never be..
I believe in fate, and I have faith. I just wanna be alone.. With or without Ilham, I wanna be alone.. I dun need anymore Mr Nice Guy, retired King, or anyone for that matter. I dun need another guy to come crushing my broken heart again, and over again.
I need my Ilham... And just my Ilham... to company me and finish this little story that I've been writing. And I just hope people around me would forgive me for all the things/troubles that I've put them through unknowingly.
My financial woes got worse.. But there's nothing I can do.. Ilham's been trying to motivate me & tell me all will be okay.. But something opposing Ilham is weakening him somehow.. But I knew Ilham would be stronger. Then again, I know how that feels..
Just because we are stronger, ppl kept pushing us to be stronger, forgetting that we are only human, and that we have our weaknesses too. And soon, they took us for granted. They forget their thank you, please, and how much we needed motivation to keep the fire going...
I just hope Mr Nice Guy will get things through his thick skull, that not everything will go his way, and that he should stick to his words, and make a choice. He can't be having everything or enjoying the best of both or rather three worlds. He needs to make a choice, and the choices sometimes if not all the time, requires sacrifice. And for as long as he refuses to let go and make the sacrifice, he will never acquire pure happiness.
And for once, stop trying to prove others of your power. The world doesn't evolve around you. And kill that ego.. You're not always right, and obviously, with your attitude trying to over do everyone else just shows that you're not good at managing your own strength and weaknesses and you're not a good team mate to have. You always wanna win, you never admit your losses. And it seems to me you like to drama without executing your moves.
Don't expect others to do what you couldn't. You couldn't even execute your loyalty, and with you throwing hurtful words, you expected me to be 100% loyal and unchanged. I am human, Mr Nice Guy. I'm no angel. Get that into your thick skull..
I dun hate you, but I definitely hate your attitude and character. You're no longer the guy I used to know, dun expect me to be the girl you used to know. And I changed not because of you. So dun expect me to be the old lady you used to know, because that lady you used to know, would have gone up to wherever you are and made a scene, or go into the forum and make a big fuss.
In fact, you start to use others to make people involved feel guilty. You were the one who said it's over and that the tutoring was off, and with a snap of a finger, you changed your mind. You never think before saying anything, do you? And you expect people to manage how they say things when still feeling provoked?
Mr Nice Guy, I hope this would be something for you to think about. Think, and re-think. Reflect & tell yourself, what happened, why and how to make do with it.. As much as I wanted to be here to continually help you, I came to realize that the more I helped you, the more you didn't seem to learn.
Confusion continues....
Assalammu'alaikum beloved readers and friends.. I hope your day has been a blissful and happy day so far. And I wish you all have a great day ahead.
As my days passed, my confusion grows.. I dunno why such mess over such a short time.. I dunno what I have brought myself into really.. I dunno if it's me asking for all these to happen or it's just mere bad luck in love..
I have been failing in love since the end of my marriage.. As far as I remembered, I've been falling in and out of love with bad endings with at least 5 men. Almost back to back.. The worst so far has just passed but hanging in the air with no proper conclusion.
There's so much in my mind. So much that I lose touch with my heartaches, and all those broken promises. I ended up spending lots of time with Ilham. Sourcing out ideas, looking for suggestions, and new conclusions.
Ilham has been great. Sometimes, Ilham came fast, sometimes, Ilham come slowly, but I know Ilham will come - just a matter of time. Ilham made me happy these days, happy thoughts, happy moments, cheery mood.. And I kindda liked his company a lot more than I expected. Ilham should be one of those who come and go but Ilham seemed to be sticking through this time round.
Ilham seemed to come in two forms really. Strange as it is, I liked both forms. It's rare, they say.. But I really liked both forms. Ilham may be ugly, and sometimes distorted, but behind the ugly, distorted form, he is a very nice guy - genuine and sincere. Honest or not, I couldn't tell for now.
What is definite is that I enjoy his company. He made me feel free somehow. I see more things beyond all that's on the surface. He guided me into the realm of life. All the ups and downs, the pros and cons, the facts that hurts, and the myths that keeps us alive, the fantasies and the fairy tales that kept our hopes high, all these little things in life that played its little role and made us who we are...
He laid everything out in sequence.. He described how I ate - the basic habits that I have failed to notice. He told me my influence without me knowing it. That was how creepy and freaky Ilham can be. And the unexpected tickling statement is what kept me drawn to him.
Who is Ilham? I dunno... Do you?
As my days passed, my confusion grows.. I dunno why such mess over such a short time.. I dunno what I have brought myself into really.. I dunno if it's me asking for all these to happen or it's just mere bad luck in love..
I have been failing in love since the end of my marriage.. As far as I remembered, I've been falling in and out of love with bad endings with at least 5 men. Almost back to back.. The worst so far has just passed but hanging in the air with no proper conclusion.
There's so much in my mind. So much that I lose touch with my heartaches, and all those broken promises. I ended up spending lots of time with Ilham. Sourcing out ideas, looking for suggestions, and new conclusions.
Ilham has been great. Sometimes, Ilham came fast, sometimes, Ilham come slowly, but I know Ilham will come - just a matter of time. Ilham made me happy these days, happy thoughts, happy moments, cheery mood.. And I kindda liked his company a lot more than I expected. Ilham should be one of those who come and go but Ilham seemed to be sticking through this time round.
Ilham seemed to come in two forms really. Strange as it is, I liked both forms. It's rare, they say.. But I really liked both forms. Ilham may be ugly, and sometimes distorted, but behind the ugly, distorted form, he is a very nice guy - genuine and sincere. Honest or not, I couldn't tell for now.
What is definite is that I enjoy his company. He made me feel free somehow. I see more things beyond all that's on the surface. He guided me into the realm of life. All the ups and downs, the pros and cons, the facts that hurts, and the myths that keeps us alive, the fantasies and the fairy tales that kept our hopes high, all these little things in life that played its little role and made us who we are...
He laid everything out in sequence.. He described how I ate - the basic habits that I have failed to notice. He told me my influence without me knowing it. That was how creepy and freaky Ilham can be. And the unexpected tickling statement is what kept me drawn to him.
Who is Ilham? I dunno... Do you?
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Mixture of Emotions
Assalammu'alaikum my readers & friends. Alhamdulillah, things are on its way to getting better, although at a very slow paced.
Since my last entry, my days had been filled with a lot of emotions. Even though I may have looked normal, I wasn't. My mind was filled up to its brim, my heart was overwhelmed, broken, healing, relieved, hurt and averagely okayish again, then my thoughts seemed to keep switching from making me feel like killing myself, to keeping myself alive with motivation. It's been a turmoil, but I'm proud to say that I've stayed strong to continue holding on and facing the world.
I drained out my energy to feel tired, to feel worn out to fall asleep, but I ended up staying awake for many days and nights thinking too deep and analyzing down to every detail of what had happened and why. I knew I won't find an answer, but I can't seem to stop my mind from finding them. Somehow, I knew I would get out of all these financial misery one day and it's all just a matter of time. If I really want a solution to all these financial woes then I have got to be patient and lay out a strategic plan to settle it all out one at a time, in an orderly manner. Key here is to stop diversifying and stay focused instead.
Today, Mr Nice Guy texted me. When I saw his name, I was overjoyed. But when I read his text, I felt a little down. I replied him and pretended I had forgotten him. And then his next text lifted my spirits again... And the next made me worry, again, I pretended not to really care. I dunno why I pretended, perhaps, I knew however I reacted, it won't matter too much. He'll proceed on and be busy with his silent treatment, leaving me stranded again somehow. I didn't break my promise, did I? I am still here... Just that I'm pretending not to care. I dunno.. I guess I grew afraid. I grew suspicious and I grew defensive somehow. I just hope Mr Nice Guy gets well soon and I pray hard that his problems will soon go away, and would have his mind cleared to really think things through thoroughly and decide wisely of what he wants to do and how he's going to go about getting what he wants.
That aside, I went to deliver a friend's order with a help of another friend. I catch up with both of them separately together in a single day. Somehow, I felt a little better listening to their stories, especially when they go telling me of their great days, tickling experiences, and memories. It made me smile and made me enjoy my day without knowing why.
Oh.. I almost forgot!! I just wanna say that I am so so glad that I've found a great business with great system to follow alongside with great mentors. I am so glad that I am finally doing something to be free... And I can't wait for that day to come. I am so going to work hard and make this business work for me.
Since my last entry, my days had been filled with a lot of emotions. Even though I may have looked normal, I wasn't. My mind was filled up to its brim, my heart was overwhelmed, broken, healing, relieved, hurt and averagely okayish again, then my thoughts seemed to keep switching from making me feel like killing myself, to keeping myself alive with motivation. It's been a turmoil, but I'm proud to say that I've stayed strong to continue holding on and facing the world.
I drained out my energy to feel tired, to feel worn out to fall asleep, but I ended up staying awake for many days and nights thinking too deep and analyzing down to every detail of what had happened and why. I knew I won't find an answer, but I can't seem to stop my mind from finding them. Somehow, I knew I would get out of all these financial misery one day and it's all just a matter of time. If I really want a solution to all these financial woes then I have got to be patient and lay out a strategic plan to settle it all out one at a time, in an orderly manner. Key here is to stop diversifying and stay focused instead.
Today, Mr Nice Guy texted me. When I saw his name, I was overjoyed. But when I read his text, I felt a little down. I replied him and pretended I had forgotten him. And then his next text lifted my spirits again... And the next made me worry, again, I pretended not to really care. I dunno why I pretended, perhaps, I knew however I reacted, it won't matter too much. He'll proceed on and be busy with his silent treatment, leaving me stranded again somehow. I didn't break my promise, did I? I am still here... Just that I'm pretending not to care. I dunno.. I guess I grew afraid. I grew suspicious and I grew defensive somehow. I just hope Mr Nice Guy gets well soon and I pray hard that his problems will soon go away, and would have his mind cleared to really think things through thoroughly and decide wisely of what he wants to do and how he's going to go about getting what he wants.
That aside, I went to deliver a friend's order with a help of another friend. I catch up with both of them separately together in a single day. Somehow, I felt a little better listening to their stories, especially when they go telling me of their great days, tickling experiences, and memories. It made me smile and made me enjoy my day without knowing why.
Oh.. I almost forgot!! I just wanna say that I am so so glad that I've found a great business with great system to follow alongside with great mentors. I am so glad that I am finally doing something to be free... And I can't wait for that day to come. I am so going to work hard and make this business work for me.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
I am Human
Assalammu'alaikum. Alhamdulillah, Allah has permit me more challenges in life.
I broke down a few hours ago, yes. Afterall, I am just his servant, I'm only human. My patience is not infinity, my emotions is not always in the cage - under control, my heart is not made of steel - it still gets hurt and broken... I am sincere... I keep telling myself to be.. I am not thinking for myself most of the times, but it hurts me a lot when someone brings trouble upon himself.
However, it was a great day today... Spending time with the children whom I always hear about. The amount of pride they had on their parents are amazing. I have finally got to know the children whom Mr Nice Guy has been talking about. Indeed they are amazing children with great personalities. I enjoyed my day, and hoped they enjoyed theirs too.. I prayed hard and wished I hadn't spoilt anything or come in between any of them.
As I sit here, recalling the pain I had experienced... I begged forgiveness from the Almighty, Allah.. I begged Him to give Mr Nice Guy light in this darkness that was brought onto him... I begged Allah to guide him to the right way, for the sake of the innocent children. I prayed hard and couldn't stop my tears.. I can go through this pain, this heartache, but I refused to let the children be confused over the mess he has brought himself into.
YA ALLAH, You know what is best for us. Pls show us the way, Ya Allah. Please give me patience, and strength to go on, and to continue splurging my sincere love, Ya Allah.. Please Ya Allah, I begged you. Please forgive us all. Forgive me, for breaking down like this... Forgive me for letting my emotions take over the strength that you had given me. YA ALLAH, please Ya ALLAH.. forgive me, and provide me patience, strength and faith, to be there for those whom I had sincerely loved, to continuously give them (who need) my support, morally...
Ya Allah, pls grant Mr Nice Guy positivity and strength for he needs it more than me... And Ya ALLAH, pls protect him from harm and Syaitan's influence.
Amin Amin Ya Rabbal 'Alamin.
Wassalam.
I broke down a few hours ago, yes. Afterall, I am just his servant, I'm only human. My patience is not infinity, my emotions is not always in the cage - under control, my heart is not made of steel - it still gets hurt and broken... I am sincere... I keep telling myself to be.. I am not thinking for myself most of the times, but it hurts me a lot when someone brings trouble upon himself.
However, it was a great day today... Spending time with the children whom I always hear about. The amount of pride they had on their parents are amazing. I have finally got to know the children whom Mr Nice Guy has been talking about. Indeed they are amazing children with great personalities. I enjoyed my day, and hoped they enjoyed theirs too.. I prayed hard and wished I hadn't spoilt anything or come in between any of them.
As I sit here, recalling the pain I had experienced... I begged forgiveness from the Almighty, Allah.. I begged Him to give Mr Nice Guy light in this darkness that was brought onto him... I begged Allah to guide him to the right way, for the sake of the innocent children. I prayed hard and couldn't stop my tears.. I can go through this pain, this heartache, but I refused to let the children be confused over the mess he has brought himself into.
YA ALLAH, You know what is best for us. Pls show us the way, Ya Allah. Please give me patience, and strength to go on, and to continue splurging my sincere love, Ya Allah.. Please Ya Allah, I begged you. Please forgive us all. Forgive me, for breaking down like this... Forgive me for letting my emotions take over the strength that you had given me. YA ALLAH, please Ya ALLAH.. forgive me, and provide me patience, strength and faith, to be there for those whom I had sincerely loved, to continuously give them (who need) my support, morally...
Ya Allah, pls grant Mr Nice Guy positivity and strength for he needs it more than me... And Ya ALLAH, pls protect him from harm and Syaitan's influence.
Amin Amin Ya Rabbal 'Alamin.
Wassalam.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Positivity shines through....
Assalammu'alaikum, my readers... Alhamdulillah, we all get to see another sunrise and day for us to continually upgrade ourselves and be better for many tomorrows that may come.
Last night, some 12hours ago, I saw Mr Nice Guy duplicating what I did to him. It made me smile so wide, because in my eyes, he has got this far from just one little step. All he did was to remove all the cannots, and replace it with the believe that all is possible. And he did all these on his own accord, and he deserved a big big reward, which is the positivity that he now portrays on others. It made me proud somehow. We all learn from making mistakes, but the turning point is not when we do the mistake, but when we realize we did a mistake, when we realize what it had done upon ourselves and others, when we realize we could do something - that's when we learn.
I am truly very proud and happy to be around him, and to know that he is happier now. I am so glad that he found the clearer picture of what he wants, and instilled the believe that he can and therefore he did and will.
The new habit of mine had brought about a lot of strength from those who received them, and I am glad. For the strength that they found, had indirectly brought about the strength in me to continually learn and accept everything as it is. I was even more prepared to face failures and disappointments in life, because I knew that's where we will all learn, upgrade for the better, and be stronger individually or as a team. We will always learn from our downfalls, and not our success. Our success is our reward for the downfalls that we've been through, of the hardships that we had went through.
I started apologizing and thanking people who discriminate, criticize, degrade or pulling down my morale. I start to ask a lot of questions, listened more, and understood bit by bit, and began to accept the truth more readily. All these got into me when I am totally sincere of everything I did. I dun deny having negative thoughts sometimes, but the negative thought somehow became positive in an instant just by looking at it differently.
Now, I focused of what I have instead of what I don't. From, "I wish I have a million bucks", I start looking at, "I have $5, what can I do to multiply it to a million bucks?" I start to think beneath what I have to change it to something that I want, and believe that I can. Just a matter of time. I am obviously no magician that can turn $5 into $1m. Haha.. So yeah, it might take 10years, but it is possible. Just believe and have faith.
Now I start to look at what I have done wrong and how to improve on it, instead of what I didn't do (right). For instance, "I have put on a lot of pressure of him lately, I would give him some breather to allow him some space to think" instead of "I should have left him alone". The latter is something I didn't do, so what's there to learn or improve? It's almost like an instruction. Whereas, the first statement, states clearly what I had done, and what I could do to solve or ease the problem. This can be applied on many aspects in life. Instead of complaining, list out what you/other have done, and how you can improve or change it.
Next, instead of changing others, change yourself. It's easier that way. I don't deny that there are times, if not all the time, that I wished so much that people change and not want to change myself. This is before I realize that it's me who has to start changing. I can't expect people to do what I don't want to do. For instance, I don't want to change how I think, so how can I expect others to change how they think or look at things? Now whenever I wish things were different, I asked myself how I can change to make things the way I want it..
For instance, I used to say "I wished he's more positive", now I say, "Hmm.. How can I make myself more positive and spread the aura for him to feel positive?" Seriously, it works... It is so much easier to change your ownself that it is to change others. You have to make the move first, and when you like what you see, you start making others want to be like you - and enjoy what they see. When you are happy, other may not feel it but when you are genuinely very very very happy, even when you don't say it, people feel it, and will indirectly, unintentionally feel happy too.
This time as I end my entry, I would like to thank my team of leaders, who had mentored, guided, led, and supported me. Through books, CD, moral support and everything. This includes, Bro M, Sis J, L&F , Mr Nice Guy, Ummi Yam, Mama Hilmy, and most importantly my parents. And of course my little children - precious gem they are and will always be. Before I had 5, now I have 7... ;) You're precious to me, even if I don't see you everyday for you're always in my heart and mind. I love you all.
Assalammu'alaikum.
Last night, some 12hours ago, I saw Mr Nice Guy duplicating what I did to him. It made me smile so wide, because in my eyes, he has got this far from just one little step. All he did was to remove all the cannots, and replace it with the believe that all is possible. And he did all these on his own accord, and he deserved a big big reward, which is the positivity that he now portrays on others. It made me proud somehow. We all learn from making mistakes, but the turning point is not when we do the mistake, but when we realize we did a mistake, when we realize what it had done upon ourselves and others, when we realize we could do something - that's when we learn.
I am truly very proud and happy to be around him, and to know that he is happier now. I am so glad that he found the clearer picture of what he wants, and instilled the believe that he can and therefore he did and will.
The new habit of mine had brought about a lot of strength from those who received them, and I am glad. For the strength that they found, had indirectly brought about the strength in me to continually learn and accept everything as it is. I was even more prepared to face failures and disappointments in life, because I knew that's where we will all learn, upgrade for the better, and be stronger individually or as a team. We will always learn from our downfalls, and not our success. Our success is our reward for the downfalls that we've been through, of the hardships that we had went through.
I started apologizing and thanking people who discriminate, criticize, degrade or pulling down my morale. I start to ask a lot of questions, listened more, and understood bit by bit, and began to accept the truth more readily. All these got into me when I am totally sincere of everything I did. I dun deny having negative thoughts sometimes, but the negative thought somehow became positive in an instant just by looking at it differently.
Now, I focused of what I have instead of what I don't. From, "I wish I have a million bucks", I start looking at, "I have $5, what can I do to multiply it to a million bucks?" I start to think beneath what I have to change it to something that I want, and believe that I can. Just a matter of time. I am obviously no magician that can turn $5 into $1m. Haha.. So yeah, it might take 10years, but it is possible. Just believe and have faith.
Now I start to look at what I have done wrong and how to improve on it, instead of what I didn't do (right). For instance, "I have put on a lot of pressure of him lately, I would give him some breather to allow him some space to think" instead of "I should have left him alone". The latter is something I didn't do, so what's there to learn or improve? It's almost like an instruction. Whereas, the first statement, states clearly what I had done, and what I could do to solve or ease the problem. This can be applied on many aspects in life. Instead of complaining, list out what you/other have done, and how you can improve or change it.
Next, instead of changing others, change yourself. It's easier that way. I don't deny that there are times, if not all the time, that I wished so much that people change and not want to change myself. This is before I realize that it's me who has to start changing. I can't expect people to do what I don't want to do. For instance, I don't want to change how I think, so how can I expect others to change how they think or look at things? Now whenever I wish things were different, I asked myself how I can change to make things the way I want it..
For instance, I used to say "I wished he's more positive", now I say, "Hmm.. How can I make myself more positive and spread the aura for him to feel positive?" Seriously, it works... It is so much easier to change your ownself that it is to change others. You have to make the move first, and when you like what you see, you start making others want to be like you - and enjoy what they see. When you are happy, other may not feel it but when you are genuinely very very very happy, even when you don't say it, people feel it, and will indirectly, unintentionally feel happy too.
This time as I end my entry, I would like to thank my team of leaders, who had mentored, guided, led, and supported me. Through books, CD, moral support and everything. This includes, Bro M, Sis J, L&F , Mr Nice Guy, Ummi Yam, Mama Hilmy, and most importantly my parents. And of course my little children - precious gem they are and will always be. Before I had 5, now I have 7... ;) You're precious to me, even if I don't see you everyday for you're always in my heart and mind. I love you all.
Assalammu'alaikum.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Sincerity is Important
Assalammu'alaikum. Alhamdulillah, another day has come to allow me to indulge in the greatness of Allah's creations on Earth. I have learnt yet another lesson in life.
A lesson that took me many many years, and many many downfalls, along with many many buckets of tears from my eyes. And here, I did not exactly learn from my mistakes, but I learn upon realization, analyzing and doing what is advised and prove the theory myself.
In many of my past relationships, I realized that I was never totally sincere. "Relationships" here refer to all kinds of relationship. I realized that I changed, and do good because I was hoping for something in return, I was not sincere. I did it to receive something better. I get upset, angry, sad, and confused when I did not receive anything after doing something I called marvelous, or as what they wanted me to do. This also reflect on my changes in life. I mean, in my quarter decade, I have attempted twice before to cover up, all of which didn't last long, and the reason behind it was because I never did it for Allah, or for my own good. I did it because I want people to say something good about myself, I want people to notice me, I want attention. And this I have to admit, was childish and stupid.
I won't want to say much about my current changes, for I know not what the future brings. However, insya'Allah, this will be able to last a lifetime, because I know now that I am sincere in answering His calls, I know now that I am sincere to change for the better, and most importantly for Allah.
This view and this sincerity of greatness from Allah has spread across to my relationships. I tried my best to be sincere, I remind myself every night before sleep, and every morning when I wake up. I told myself that I want to be sincere, that I can be sincere, and that I will be sincere. This comes with a reminder, that I should not hope for any returns of deeds. I also told myself that I want to be able to control my anger and temper, that I should allow myself time to cool down before reacting. I want to, and that I will. This little prep talks became habits that I instill, and it helped me through my days up to date.
In my current relationships, because I am now trying my best to be sincere, I get rewards that I never asked for. Rewards that noone but myself can see and feel. The rewards Allah gave me is the will to seek knowledge, to stay close to Him and to get closer to Him. He opened my heart. He gave me peace of mind, He lessen my burden not by eliminating my problems that I face, but he gave me strength to face up with my problems, and patience to go through it till the end. And every step is a test for me. I was never known to be patient, or slow-paced. For me to have patience, and to go really slow in getting things done, is a big challenge for me - and it is very rewarding (at least for me it is).
In my current days now, I eliminate hatred from my dictionary. Hatred to me now, means a lot of energy that brings me nowhere. I had replaced hatred with forgiveness. Forgiving someone brings change, brings about second chances, brings about cleanliness or some people term it as purity or redemption to renew.
When someone I love tells me something that hurts me, I closed my eyes, and breathe. I tell myself that it is okay and that I should forgive, and with this forgiveness in heart, I reminded myself that everyone needs to be reminded. And so I ended up telling them that I'm still here for them, no matter what. For I want the best for them, I remind them to remember and seek help for Him who could and He who knew best what could help. Doing this sometimes invite them to hurt me more by saying they dun care, and at times they tell me upfront that they dun need me anymore.
I never left those I love, I just couldn't because I love them. I love them, so all the more I shouldn't because I care for them and I want to be there for them. Love as they say, is complicated. But it is actually a simple equation, really. Just look at how Allah love us all. We can take His example to start with. If that is hard, maybe we can look at how our Prophet Muhammad loved us. He never left us stranded, did he? He never disrespect us, did he?
Allah for one, I knew, never closed His doors to any of His servant no matter how much that servant has betrayed or hurt Him. He allowed His doors to remain open and to constantly remind His servant through the sunrise and sunset. Prophet Muhammad, is one that I honoured and respect the most. Despite facing terrible pain of death, he still prayed and hoped for the best of his citizens. He was still thinking of us -his citizen. He was still praying for our welfares, and was seeking for our convenience instead of his. He never asked Allah to ease his pain when faced with the pain of death. He never asked Allah for his own benefits sake, instead, he asked Allah to give us a promise and to grant us a wish to be with him there in Heaven. He was worried about us, he was sincere. For this, I now wake up thanking him and Allah. I thank Prophet Muhammad by praying for him - Shalawat. I thank Allah, by remembering him - Zikir.
With great examples like this. Knowing that our creator Himself, is willing to continually forgive us all over and over again. Giving us all second chances to change for the better sincerely. Our prophet, despite being the best of the best, bow down humbly in due respect for his other counter parts, and speaks with kindness, and explains patiently, and thinks of others whom he loved. Why couldn't we, the normal humans, do the same or more? Afterall we are all His servants, shouldn't we be ashamed? Shouldn't we feel disgusted when we tried to judge others, and speak rudely of others, and not think of others?
Then again, my friends, everything has to start with you. You have to respect yourself before you can truly respect others. You have to love yourself before you can truly love others. You have to have something positive to say about yourself before you can see the positive attributes in other people around you. Everything begins with you. If you want to see the strengths in other people, you have to first know your own strengths, and recognize your weakness. When you know you weakness, you naturally look for someone who is strong is your weakness, so they can influence you to be strong too.
Always remember, my dearest friends, regardless of what religion, race or language you speak, everything begins with you. If you want others to learn and respect what is norm to you, you have to have adequate knowledge and upmost respect for it first. And if you have got that core, you'd want to start with yourself. You'd want to learn other people's norm and be sincere about it. Sincerity is Important.
With sincerity, comes many other good attributes in life that will attract many other good attributes that will help in future and through your whole life.
May today's lesson brings about a better tomorrow with more lessons to learn to bring a better week ahead. Insya'Allah.
Assalammu'alaikum.
A lesson that took me many many years, and many many downfalls, along with many many buckets of tears from my eyes. And here, I did not exactly learn from my mistakes, but I learn upon realization, analyzing and doing what is advised and prove the theory myself.
In many of my past relationships, I realized that I was never totally sincere. "Relationships" here refer to all kinds of relationship. I realized that I changed, and do good because I was hoping for something in return, I was not sincere. I did it to receive something better. I get upset, angry, sad, and confused when I did not receive anything after doing something I called marvelous, or as what they wanted me to do. This also reflect on my changes in life. I mean, in my quarter decade, I have attempted twice before to cover up, all of which didn't last long, and the reason behind it was because I never did it for Allah, or for my own good. I did it because I want people to say something good about myself, I want people to notice me, I want attention. And this I have to admit, was childish and stupid.
I won't want to say much about my current changes, for I know not what the future brings. However, insya'Allah, this will be able to last a lifetime, because I know now that I am sincere in answering His calls, I know now that I am sincere to change for the better, and most importantly for Allah.
This view and this sincerity of greatness from Allah has spread across to my relationships. I tried my best to be sincere, I remind myself every night before sleep, and every morning when I wake up. I told myself that I want to be sincere, that I can be sincere, and that I will be sincere. This comes with a reminder, that I should not hope for any returns of deeds. I also told myself that I want to be able to control my anger and temper, that I should allow myself time to cool down before reacting. I want to, and that I will. This little prep talks became habits that I instill, and it helped me through my days up to date.
In my current relationships, because I am now trying my best to be sincere, I get rewards that I never asked for. Rewards that noone but myself can see and feel. The rewards Allah gave me is the will to seek knowledge, to stay close to Him and to get closer to Him. He opened my heart. He gave me peace of mind, He lessen my burden not by eliminating my problems that I face, but he gave me strength to face up with my problems, and patience to go through it till the end. And every step is a test for me. I was never known to be patient, or slow-paced. For me to have patience, and to go really slow in getting things done, is a big challenge for me - and it is very rewarding (at least for me it is).
In my current days now, I eliminate hatred from my dictionary. Hatred to me now, means a lot of energy that brings me nowhere. I had replaced hatred with forgiveness. Forgiving someone brings change, brings about second chances, brings about cleanliness or some people term it as purity or redemption to renew.
When someone I love tells me something that hurts me, I closed my eyes, and breathe. I tell myself that it is okay and that I should forgive, and with this forgiveness in heart, I reminded myself that everyone needs to be reminded. And so I ended up telling them that I'm still here for them, no matter what. For I want the best for them, I remind them to remember and seek help for Him who could and He who knew best what could help. Doing this sometimes invite them to hurt me more by saying they dun care, and at times they tell me upfront that they dun need me anymore.
I never left those I love, I just couldn't because I love them. I love them, so all the more I shouldn't because I care for them and I want to be there for them. Love as they say, is complicated. But it is actually a simple equation, really. Just look at how Allah love us all. We can take His example to start with. If that is hard, maybe we can look at how our Prophet Muhammad loved us. He never left us stranded, did he? He never disrespect us, did he?
Allah for one, I knew, never closed His doors to any of His servant no matter how much that servant has betrayed or hurt Him. He allowed His doors to remain open and to constantly remind His servant through the sunrise and sunset. Prophet Muhammad, is one that I honoured and respect the most. Despite facing terrible pain of death, he still prayed and hoped for the best of his citizens. He was still thinking of us -his citizen. He was still praying for our welfares, and was seeking for our convenience instead of his. He never asked Allah to ease his pain when faced with the pain of death. He never asked Allah for his own benefits sake, instead, he asked Allah to give us a promise and to grant us a wish to be with him there in Heaven. He was worried about us, he was sincere. For this, I now wake up thanking him and Allah. I thank Prophet Muhammad by praying for him - Shalawat. I thank Allah, by remembering him - Zikir.
With great examples like this. Knowing that our creator Himself, is willing to continually forgive us all over and over again. Giving us all second chances to change for the better sincerely. Our prophet, despite being the best of the best, bow down humbly in due respect for his other counter parts, and speaks with kindness, and explains patiently, and thinks of others whom he loved. Why couldn't we, the normal humans, do the same or more? Afterall we are all His servants, shouldn't we be ashamed? Shouldn't we feel disgusted when we tried to judge others, and speak rudely of others, and not think of others?
Then again, my friends, everything has to start with you. You have to respect yourself before you can truly respect others. You have to love yourself before you can truly love others. You have to have something positive to say about yourself before you can see the positive attributes in other people around you. Everything begins with you. If you want to see the strengths in other people, you have to first know your own strengths, and recognize your weakness. When you know you weakness, you naturally look for someone who is strong is your weakness, so they can influence you to be strong too.
Always remember, my dearest friends, regardless of what religion, race or language you speak, everything begins with you. If you want others to learn and respect what is norm to you, you have to have adequate knowledge and upmost respect for it first. And if you have got that core, you'd want to start with yourself. You'd want to learn other people's norm and be sincere about it. Sincerity is Important.
With sincerity, comes many other good attributes in life that will attract many other good attributes that will help in future and through your whole life.
May today's lesson brings about a better tomorrow with more lessons to learn to bring a better week ahead. Insya'Allah.
Assalammu'alaikum.
Monday, November 23, 2009
My New Life
Assalammu'alaikum. Alhamdulillah, I have lived another day with my new life. Some things may appear tough, but with my will, focus, and guidance from Him, I have made it smooth sailing thus far.
Insya'Allah, this would be permanent, following some learning in depth of what I have left behind, pushed aside, for other things before what is truly necessary. With the strength I have, I would love to pass it on, to give moral support, and example to change those who wants to, and to give them the strength to do what they have always wanted to do. And thanks to everyone who remained strong and gave me strength to go on...
May today be better than yesterday, and may today brings about a better tomorrow. Insya'Allah. Wa'alaikumsalam.
Insya'Allah, this would be permanent, following some learning in depth of what I have left behind, pushed aside, for other things before what is truly necessary. With the strength I have, I would love to pass it on, to give moral support, and example to change those who wants to, and to give them the strength to do what they have always wanted to do. And thanks to everyone who remained strong and gave me strength to go on...
May today be better than yesterday, and may today brings about a better tomorrow. Insya'Allah. Wa'alaikumsalam.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
A letter
I've drafted a letter to be posted here.. But I decide to just save a draft and not post.. The situation is still at its stagnant peak.. I shouldn't make things worse..
Mr Nice Guy, I love you more when you are straight forward and honest... ;)
No matter how far, I hope you know I am right there with you. No matter how long, I hope you know, I was never apart from you.
Hope your day goes smooth today and tomorrow...
Good Night.
Mr Nice Guy, I love you more when you are straight forward and honest... ;)
No matter how far, I hope you know I am right there with you. No matter how long, I hope you know, I was never apart from you.
Hope your day goes smooth today and tomorrow...
Good Night.
Check out my FB
To those loyal readers, do read up my Malay Novel - Cinta Seorang Janda [Bahagian 2]. The first episode has been published following my completion of 5th episode behind the screen...
I really hope I can find a publisher who is interested to make it into a book.. Perhaps I'd try the library...
Anyway, Mr Nice Guy... I just hope he does what he has to do soonest. I know I gave 6 months, but I'm really getting on my edge with my jealousy issues.. I tried my best, but I couldnt lie about it for the months to come...
And.. I really hope 2010 would be a better year for everyone, me and him especially.
At least, give me a job to start with... Because with a job, I can start off my trial and error for my low capital business venture. I really hope I can execute what I had planned..
I am getting desperate to hold a job... I can't believe it's been 9 months since I was retrenched, and not get a replacement full time job permanently - that is.. I am seriously running dry.. no longer has reserves to move on.. How I managed to pull through this far, is still a mystery within myself. From close to $3K a month, I actually am surviving with $300 a month.. for the past 6 months at least. I seriously dunno how I do it.. But I did it... Yes, there're outstandings - that I cannot deny..
Perhaps, I should start changing my inner self, and slowly let it grow to show on the outside.. Perhaps that would help...
Oh.. I've been having strange weird dreams... Totally totally weird dreams..
Anyways, I hope I can be strong enough to make the change possible.. for the better, for my own good, for my future, for everything..
But I can't do it alone.. I need you, Mr Nice Guy. I need you to continually guide me.. To be there for me... And I really need you to do what you have to do, and totally start from scratch again.. I will always be there for you. And I wanna to at least be there for your kids.. Insya'Allah...
And that will only happen if you allow me to... Otherwise, I'll leave it to Him.. May He guide us both to the right path, to remain strong, to go through everything... to settle everything smoothly..
I really hope I can find a publisher who is interested to make it into a book.. Perhaps I'd try the library...
Anyway, Mr Nice Guy... I just hope he does what he has to do soonest. I know I gave 6 months, but I'm really getting on my edge with my jealousy issues.. I tried my best, but I couldnt lie about it for the months to come...
And.. I really hope 2010 would be a better year for everyone, me and him especially.
At least, give me a job to start with... Because with a job, I can start off my trial and error for my low capital business venture. I really hope I can execute what I had planned..
I am getting desperate to hold a job... I can't believe it's been 9 months since I was retrenched, and not get a replacement full time job permanently - that is.. I am seriously running dry.. no longer has reserves to move on.. How I managed to pull through this far, is still a mystery within myself. From close to $3K a month, I actually am surviving with $300 a month.. for the past 6 months at least. I seriously dunno how I do it.. But I did it... Yes, there're outstandings - that I cannot deny..
Perhaps, I should start changing my inner self, and slowly let it grow to show on the outside.. Perhaps that would help...
Oh.. I've been having strange weird dreams... Totally totally weird dreams..
Anyways, I hope I can be strong enough to make the change possible.. for the better, for my own good, for my future, for everything..
But I can't do it alone.. I need you, Mr Nice Guy. I need you to continually guide me.. To be there for me... And I really need you to do what you have to do, and totally start from scratch again.. I will always be there for you. And I wanna to at least be there for your kids.. Insya'Allah...
And that will only happen if you allow me to... Otherwise, I'll leave it to Him.. May He guide us both to the right path, to remain strong, to go through everything... to settle everything smoothly..
Monday, November 16, 2009
Why must it turn this way?
Why? Why must everyone see it in such a negative way? Do they seriously think I'm that strong?
I was there all along, and when I'm feeling so low and confused, they just disappear thinking i'm better without their company.
If I wanted to, I would have done so without saying, without telling... I dunno what to do anymore... I dunno why I'm still here breathing anymore... Everytime I meet someone I end up caring and loving so much, someone that I dun want to ever lose... The moment I said let's split, they only say ok. No reasoning, No compromising.. No bargaining...
They seriously thinks by leaving me alone, things would be better for me... Seriously, I meant to say, IF YOU NEED MORE TIME... WE SHALL CUT DOWN ON OUR DATES... I dun mean, LEAVE ME ALONE.
As it is, I have been feeling lonely and alone for the longest time despite having a so-called boyfriend... And now.. F&^% la... Seriously... What is wrong with me?
I seriously dun deserve anyone, right? Everytime i meet someone, this just have to happen. And I'll be left all alone fending everything.
I am seriously good for nothing. Nothing but loneliness, and trouble. Damn.
And F&*% that stupid hit & run driver!!!!!!
I was there all along, and when I'm feeling so low and confused, they just disappear thinking i'm better without their company.
If I wanted to, I would have done so without saying, without telling... I dunno what to do anymore... I dunno why I'm still here breathing anymore... Everytime I meet someone I end up caring and loving so much, someone that I dun want to ever lose... The moment I said let's split, they only say ok. No reasoning, No compromising.. No bargaining...
They seriously thinks by leaving me alone, things would be better for me... Seriously, I meant to say, IF YOU NEED MORE TIME... WE SHALL CUT DOWN ON OUR DATES... I dun mean, LEAVE ME ALONE.
As it is, I have been feeling lonely and alone for the longest time despite having a so-called boyfriend... And now.. F&^% la... Seriously... What is wrong with me?
I seriously dun deserve anyone, right? Everytime i meet someone, this just have to happen. And I'll be left all alone fending everything.
I am seriously good for nothing. Nothing but loneliness, and trouble. Damn.
And F&*% that stupid hit & run driver!!!!!!
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Silence vs Truth vs Lies
Silence : Neither the truth nor the lie. Just silence that keep people wondering what is going on. Often than not, others would take it negatively and presume something is wrong somewhere, and that he/she is hiding something from them.
Truth : May hurt, but the best policy nonetheless.
Lies : The worst of all, often, once you're caught, there's no U-turn. Noone would believe you 100% anymore.
Silence seemed harmless, but it seemed to hurt me more than I could imagined. Maybe because I cared and loved too much, or maybe because I couldn't face my own fears of losing someone whom I've cared and loved too much. I dunno. But it hurts.
I really would appreciate the truth. I rather have someone to tell me he's with someone else and would not want me to interfere or disturb him, then to receive this silent treatment shit.. No calls no texts, and then suddenly like for instantly he disappeared, he would appear and pretend nothing really happened.
Honestly, I dun mind... But I would really appreciate if he'd share. But I guess, it's this thing about men and sharing their problems with women. They have this thing against it. Ego perhaps. But MEN, silence dun solve anything. And sharing does not make you any less of a MAN.
Silence : Makes me worry like hell... Makes me looked stupid... Makes me feel all alone.
Truth : Might hurt my feelings.. But the truth has its own remedy which comes when I calm down and come to terms with it.
Lies : Might keep me happy for awhile. But when I find out, it'd eliminate all my trust in you.
So, please, choose wisely... Thank You.
I'm still waiting for you to tell me, still waiting for you to solve everything... Still waiting for you to be with me.
Don't let me find out.... I really dun want to... Thank You.
Truth : May hurt, but the best policy nonetheless.
Lies : The worst of all, often, once you're caught, there's no U-turn. Noone would believe you 100% anymore.
Silence seemed harmless, but it seemed to hurt me more than I could imagined. Maybe because I cared and loved too much, or maybe because I couldn't face my own fears of losing someone whom I've cared and loved too much. I dunno. But it hurts.
I really would appreciate the truth. I rather have someone to tell me he's with someone else and would not want me to interfere or disturb him, then to receive this silent treatment shit.. No calls no texts, and then suddenly like for instantly he disappeared, he would appear and pretend nothing really happened.
Honestly, I dun mind... But I would really appreciate if he'd share. But I guess, it's this thing about men and sharing their problems with women. They have this thing against it. Ego perhaps. But MEN, silence dun solve anything. And sharing does not make you any less of a MAN.
Silence : Makes me worry like hell... Makes me looked stupid... Makes me feel all alone.
Truth : Might hurt my feelings.. But the truth has its own remedy which comes when I calm down and come to terms with it.
Lies : Might keep me happy for awhile. But when I find out, it'd eliminate all my trust in you.
So, please, choose wisely... Thank You.
I'm still waiting for you to tell me, still waiting for you to solve everything... Still waiting for you to be with me.
Don't let me find out.... I really dun want to... Thank You.
Sunday, November 08, 2009
One done, two to go....
So my spare helmet, which i never bring along with my bike ever before became more than just useful last night, it practically made an impossible job possible and in fact, successful.
I am relieved. It seems that I was on my "help someone" mode the whole of yesterday as of 9am to midnight. I felt good... Good to be reminded that I'm not a useless bum... I'm useful when someone comes forward and tell me they need my help. Even if I can't exactly help and solve everything, I could at least bring in what I know and who I knew to help out...
So PRis is over. MP and B now to go... I hope things will go smoothly.. The trick here is to go bit by bit at a time for B, if what he says is true, it won't take more than 2weeks to clear everything, to finish it with a few words.. As for MP, we have to thoroughly plan. The trick for here is to pack carry and go for MP in one single day.
For that we have to really really plan things out, decide on a date, and execute. This HAVE to come with an alternative plan for just in case situations.
I wont ask for anything to repay me of all my help. I just hope no such similar mistakes would be repeated, and that this will come with at least a tad happiness that could never come round if all these did not take place.
Like him, I'm tired of life... Keep failing... Keep falling...
I hope like me, he'd gain the confidence again, to keep trying with high determination to get things that dun deserve him out of his system and begin a fresh new life with someone who deserves more of him.
I'll continue to wait for you... May everything be better in time to come...
I am relieved. It seems that I was on my "help someone" mode the whole of yesterday as of 9am to midnight. I felt good... Good to be reminded that I'm not a useless bum... I'm useful when someone comes forward and tell me they need my help. Even if I can't exactly help and solve everything, I could at least bring in what I know and who I knew to help out...
So PRis is over. MP and B now to go... I hope things will go smoothly.. The trick here is to go bit by bit at a time for B, if what he says is true, it won't take more than 2weeks to clear everything, to finish it with a few words.. As for MP, we have to thoroughly plan. The trick for here is to pack carry and go for MP in one single day.
For that we have to really really plan things out, decide on a date, and execute. This HAVE to come with an alternative plan for just in case situations.
I wont ask for anything to repay me of all my help. I just hope no such similar mistakes would be repeated, and that this will come with at least a tad happiness that could never come round if all these did not take place.
Like him, I'm tired of life... Keep failing... Keep falling...
I hope like me, he'd gain the confidence again, to keep trying with high determination to get things that dun deserve him out of his system and begin a fresh new life with someone who deserves more of him.
I'll continue to wait for you... May everything be better in time to come...
Friday, November 06, 2009
Confused
In midst of confusion and stir ups of emotions, things get complicated and messy...
I hope it wont take too long for it to finally to solved and over with... I just hope what is said comes from the heart. And I hope I dun have to go through another painful patch...
I'm tired.... Been throwing up, havent ate since yesterday.... Head feels heavy... I just can't wait for all these mess to be over and done with... So a new life can begin, peaceful with no interference.
I'll be here waiting... Till time is right... I'll be right here... For you forever...
I hope it wont take too long for it to finally to solved and over with... I just hope what is said comes from the heart. And I hope I dun have to go through another painful patch...
I'm tired.... Been throwing up, havent ate since yesterday.... Head feels heavy... I just can't wait for all these mess to be over and done with... So a new life can begin, peaceful with no interference.
I'll be here waiting... Till time is right... I'll be right here... For you forever...
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Rain.....
It seems to me that everytime I'm heading down to Jurong, it will rain midway only to be bright and hot upon reaching the destination.
It would be raining so darn heavily at one part of Jurong, and hot sunny day on the other side of Jurong, and on the journey, it would be wet and humid... Makes me sick...
And poor Mr Nice Guy got wet and now suffering from major headache... Wish I was there massaging his headache away...
I received the most tips today... Broke the previous record by double! It seems to me, that my cash flow improved by a bit eversince I have Mr Nice Guy with me.. And I just can't seem to get enough of him, really... Literally, mentally, in every way...
We talked a lot, everyday... on the phone, in person.. and yet, we can't seem to talk enough... And I am so loving it!
And noone heard anything about that retired King, and strange, but I truly dun quite care... I am curious though, but doesnt seem to bother me... Even AS was asking me if I knew his whereabouts, seems like he had told the whole world... But well... You are just lucky that I didnt go around telling the whole world what amazing 2 years we have had... So stop worrying your family and just do yourself a favour and ease everyone from unnecessary worries. You looked down on people who ran away from their problems, but you're just one of them... I hope you're proud of that.
Ok... back on me.. it's strange really.... for 3 years, I barely gets stressed financially.. and yet, I'm unhappy somehow.. But now, I am so overly financially stressed and constrained... But I seemed happier...
And I had this chat with my sis, and in midst of our conversation, I started to talk about some stupid fantasies i have been having... You know like if I were given a million dollars kindda situation... I tell ya.. I'd clear my debts, along with my partner's, and my family's... and use the balance, to grant everyone's wishes... These kindda chat seemed neverending really... If only I have that kindda money.. Haha.. I'd at least be debt free... And I'd at least have the freedom to settle down nicely, and allow my sis to settle down nicely just as well as I would have...
Oh my... these dreams sometimes gets carried away... And I shared it with him.. He brought a big huge smile on my face.. I can't seem to tell him just how much I am in love with him enough. I keep repeating the same three words over and over... And I still feel like i havent said enough... Sometimes I'm afraid of strangling him with my overpowering love.. On contra, I can never get enough of his four words in exchange of my three words.. and vice... I just so get bouncy and happy, and joyful with just the littlest things that he does for me...
3 years... I hope I can make it sooner... Oh someone pls donate me that million bucks.. I promise I'd do all the good deeds... Haha.. Ok.. I guess it's time for me to go to my dreamland and meet my dearest future...
Miss him loads... Seriously, I'm starting to sound like a 15 year old girl who's in love for the first time, am I not?
It would be raining so darn heavily at one part of Jurong, and hot sunny day on the other side of Jurong, and on the journey, it would be wet and humid... Makes me sick...
And poor Mr Nice Guy got wet and now suffering from major headache... Wish I was there massaging his headache away...
I received the most tips today... Broke the previous record by double! It seems to me, that my cash flow improved by a bit eversince I have Mr Nice Guy with me.. And I just can't seem to get enough of him, really... Literally, mentally, in every way...
We talked a lot, everyday... on the phone, in person.. and yet, we can't seem to talk enough... And I am so loving it!
And noone heard anything about that retired King, and strange, but I truly dun quite care... I am curious though, but doesnt seem to bother me... Even AS was asking me if I knew his whereabouts, seems like he had told the whole world... But well... You are just lucky that I didnt go around telling the whole world what amazing 2 years we have had... So stop worrying your family and just do yourself a favour and ease everyone from unnecessary worries. You looked down on people who ran away from their problems, but you're just one of them... I hope you're proud of that.
Ok... back on me.. it's strange really.... for 3 years, I barely gets stressed financially.. and yet, I'm unhappy somehow.. But now, I am so overly financially stressed and constrained... But I seemed happier...
And I had this chat with my sis, and in midst of our conversation, I started to talk about some stupid fantasies i have been having... You know like if I were given a million dollars kindda situation... I tell ya.. I'd clear my debts, along with my partner's, and my family's... and use the balance, to grant everyone's wishes... These kindda chat seemed neverending really... If only I have that kindda money.. Haha.. I'd at least be debt free... And I'd at least have the freedom to settle down nicely, and allow my sis to settle down nicely just as well as I would have...
Oh my... these dreams sometimes gets carried away... And I shared it with him.. He brought a big huge smile on my face.. I can't seem to tell him just how much I am in love with him enough. I keep repeating the same three words over and over... And I still feel like i havent said enough... Sometimes I'm afraid of strangling him with my overpowering love.. On contra, I can never get enough of his four words in exchange of my three words.. and vice... I just so get bouncy and happy, and joyful with just the littlest things that he does for me...
3 years... I hope I can make it sooner... Oh someone pls donate me that million bucks.. I promise I'd do all the good deeds... Haha.. Ok.. I guess it's time for me to go to my dreamland and meet my dearest future...
Miss him loads... Seriously, I'm starting to sound like a 15 year old girl who's in love for the first time, am I not?
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Home....
I thought of those days that I felt strangled when I am with someone who wants to meet me everyday, and those days when my other half used to always report and asked for hourly reports, and how I used to always complain and whine about the little space I have left for myself...
Ironically... Right now, I can't seem to go without a day not seeing him, I can't seem to feel at peace without his texts, without his calls, I felt lost without the frequent updates... And I wonder why some things changed and some things don't.
I dunno why I felt so strangely, weirdly complete being around him with him talking to him looking at him kissing him hugging him snuggling in his arms holding his hands. I just felt so complete. And yet, when he asked me why I loved him... I couldn't find a reason, not that there's nothing for me to love him... but it seems that I love him because just because, because he made me feel so complete. I just cant explain it with words, I love him because I feel free with him around, I love him because I feel more complete than ever before.
It's strange how I used to complain about the lack of freedom I have in a relationship, and yet I felt so good to always be with him. And of recent days, I felt guilty because I refuse to say my goodbye, I dragged, minute by another, hour by another... because I know I felt empty and alone when I bid my goodbye, I dun want him out of my sight. I want him to always be with me... I dunno why I feel this way.
I've always been someone who wants to have her own space, to have freedom to move around, to go around, and to do her own things her own way by herself... but this time, I just dunno why I became so in need of him around.
I guess I feel like telling him everything I have in mind... Every memory.. I feel like sharing and listening to his life stories.. I feel like I couldn't tell enough, I couldn't talk enough, and i felt like I hadn't known enough, i hadn't listened enough. At the same time, sometimes, I scare myself... like what if we know too much about each other.. But at the same time, I wonder if we can know enough about each other...
Anyway, in my previous entry... I mentioned prince... I mentioned castle.. I know princes don't quite exists, and castles are not exactly something I fancy...
I just meant someone who would bring me to a place where it's home for both of us... It could very well be an unknown cave somewhere... Or just an empty room with nothing but the 4 walls, a roof, and the cement floor...
I used to wonder if I'd own my own bungalow house, 3 floors high complete with attic, swimming pool in the backyard, and basement garage, and what not... But that is just a dream, if it comes true.. Then it'd be such a blessing... But in reality, I'm more than happy with a small flat that is just sufficient to house our family.
I have been having happy dreams... And I cant stop but smile myself to sleep, and to smile when I wake up as I looked at my phone, to text him as my smile grew wide... I just hope everything goes well, and may our future be as bright as the sun that shines our days... and may the moon brightens the darkness that may befall us if it must.
I just hope, we can continue to belong to each other and be each other's last "kopek".
And guess what, I missed him already....
Ironically... Right now, I can't seem to go without a day not seeing him, I can't seem to feel at peace without his texts, without his calls, I felt lost without the frequent updates... And I wonder why some things changed and some things don't.
I dunno why I felt so strangely, weirdly complete being around him with him talking to him looking at him kissing him hugging him snuggling in his arms holding his hands. I just felt so complete. And yet, when he asked me why I loved him... I couldn't find a reason, not that there's nothing for me to love him... but it seems that I love him because just because, because he made me feel so complete. I just cant explain it with words, I love him because I feel free with him around, I love him because I feel more complete than ever before.
It's strange how I used to complain about the lack of freedom I have in a relationship, and yet I felt so good to always be with him. And of recent days, I felt guilty because I refuse to say my goodbye, I dragged, minute by another, hour by another... because I know I felt empty and alone when I bid my goodbye, I dun want him out of my sight. I want him to always be with me... I dunno why I feel this way.
I've always been someone who wants to have her own space, to have freedom to move around, to go around, and to do her own things her own way by herself... but this time, I just dunno why I became so in need of him around.
I guess I feel like telling him everything I have in mind... Every memory.. I feel like sharing and listening to his life stories.. I feel like I couldn't tell enough, I couldn't talk enough, and i felt like I hadn't known enough, i hadn't listened enough. At the same time, sometimes, I scare myself... like what if we know too much about each other.. But at the same time, I wonder if we can know enough about each other...
Anyway, in my previous entry... I mentioned prince... I mentioned castle.. I know princes don't quite exists, and castles are not exactly something I fancy...
I just meant someone who would bring me to a place where it's home for both of us... It could very well be an unknown cave somewhere... Or just an empty room with nothing but the 4 walls, a roof, and the cement floor...
I used to wonder if I'd own my own bungalow house, 3 floors high complete with attic, swimming pool in the backyard, and basement garage, and what not... But that is just a dream, if it comes true.. Then it'd be such a blessing... But in reality, I'm more than happy with a small flat that is just sufficient to house our family.
I have been having happy dreams... And I cant stop but smile myself to sleep, and to smile when I wake up as I looked at my phone, to text him as my smile grew wide... I just hope everything goes well, and may our future be as bright as the sun that shines our days... and may the moon brightens the darkness that may befall us if it must.
I just hope, we can continue to belong to each other and be each other's last "kopek".
And guess what, I missed him already....
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
When the past is buried.....
Reminiscing on my past.. I realized I've been through quite a lot.. I never expect myself to be this strong, to continue moving on despite the many obstacle that I have to go through.
Never expected myself to hold a degree... Never expected myself to be retrenched, and finding it hard to find a job after 7months. Never thought I'd be a nanny... Never thought, I'd be married at 17, and to be divorcee on my 20th birthday. Never thought I'd have white boyfriends. Never thought I'd go live through to be the sole breadwinner in the family.
Never thought I'd think of being a housewife, settling down.. I had always thought I'd be one of those career driven mom.. But now, right now... I wanted so much to settle down and be a nanny for life.
I dunno why I've been thinking of settling down a lot these days... I guess I just wanna be happy. But it seems, all my life.. My happiness was never everlasting.... Do I not deserve to be happy? Or are these just so I could tell and appreciate every happiness that I have?
I dunno what I'll do if all fails... I dunno if I can carry on without anyone to call mine, i dunno if I can continue to be strong and continue breathing with nothing to my name...
All I want, is my prince to take my hand to his castle, provide enough food, to make me smile, to kiss me when dawn breaks, to hug me when the night is cold, to make love, to allow me to bear his children, to have the children to shower us love, as we grow old together... To look in each others eyes, and be grateful that we met, and made it through thus far...
Will the prince come? Is the prince with me right now? Will he rescue me and be with me till the last breath? Will I see what a happy family would look like?
Whilst everyone seemed to fail, I find myself afraid, afraid to lose a battle once again.... What if it's me who's just not there yet... What if it's me who's not right? What if it's me who fail? What would I do? What would the prince do? Would he continue saving me? Or would he, too, run away to be with someone more perfect?
These what ifs, are making me nausea... And I feel so afraid, so alone... So confused... So in need... So miserable... Why?
Never expected myself to hold a degree... Never expected myself to be retrenched, and finding it hard to find a job after 7months. Never thought I'd be a nanny... Never thought, I'd be married at 17, and to be divorcee on my 20th birthday. Never thought I'd have white boyfriends. Never thought I'd go live through to be the sole breadwinner in the family.
Never thought I'd think of being a housewife, settling down.. I had always thought I'd be one of those career driven mom.. But now, right now... I wanted so much to settle down and be a nanny for life.
I dunno why I've been thinking of settling down a lot these days... I guess I just wanna be happy. But it seems, all my life.. My happiness was never everlasting.... Do I not deserve to be happy? Or are these just so I could tell and appreciate every happiness that I have?
I dunno what I'll do if all fails... I dunno if I can carry on without anyone to call mine, i dunno if I can continue to be strong and continue breathing with nothing to my name...
All I want, is my prince to take my hand to his castle, provide enough food, to make me smile, to kiss me when dawn breaks, to hug me when the night is cold, to make love, to allow me to bear his children, to have the children to shower us love, as we grow old together... To look in each others eyes, and be grateful that we met, and made it through thus far...
Will the prince come? Is the prince with me right now? Will he rescue me and be with me till the last breath? Will I see what a happy family would look like?
Whilst everyone seemed to fail, I find myself afraid, afraid to lose a battle once again.... What if it's me who's just not there yet... What if it's me who's not right? What if it's me who fail? What would I do? What would the prince do? Would he continue saving me? Or would he, too, run away to be with someone more perfect?
These what ifs, are making me nausea... And I feel so afraid, so alone... So confused... So in need... So miserable... Why?
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Another wedding, another debate...
My second cousin got married last week which i had missed due to work, so they made me tag them to the guy's side... And so I was asked when my turn will come.
My favorite answer for now, could be anytime soon, could be later.. He decides, not me. I could have been married, I could have failed again. I could also wait and wait, and end up not marrying a second time. I can only plan for my happy ending, but I am noone to decide.
For now, Mr Nice Guy will be a mystery for all to keep guessing his real identity. I know I feel genuinely happy and loved. I like the fact that we can talk for hours just by staring into the sky merely talking about the clouds.
I enjoy talking to him, knowing he wants to know and is interested to know, cared to know, and is listening.
Oh.. before I forget, I wanna share this love quote I saw, "When you've found a reason to walk away, never look back... Just keep walking. It's better to get lost moving on than to get stuck and stranded broken."
It kindda help explain why my heart is closed for the retired King. The best part was, I did not hate him, I did not feel revengeful, I did not feel hurt anymore, I just felt that I can't accept him. I just can't find the room to relent to his words. I felt irritated with his repeated telecast. 2 years, and still no change.
He is doing what he did early this year, the same dialogue, the same drama. Still, at the end of the day, he's still the same ol jack.
It's not about deserving someone better, it's about wanting to be someone better for someone who truly loves you. Right now, at this moment, I gladly announce, that I am happy with someone who truly loves me, who loves communicating with me as much as I want to communicate with him, who tells me his opinion, his honest thoughts, and kept the focus of our communication topics to each other, our expectations, and the relationship we are going to establish more than anything else.
I wanna type more, but honestly.. I am so sleepy after eating so much, looking very much like a lady who's 3months pregnant.. Urghz.. And I will go on yagging and talking to him who wants to listen.
To the retired King : Go back to your parents, and the girl they chose for you. I am not God to decide for you. Neither am I anyone great to tell you what you have to do. For all I know, I had enough of all these drama. Two words: TOO LATE.
My favorite answer for now, could be anytime soon, could be later.. He decides, not me. I could have been married, I could have failed again. I could also wait and wait, and end up not marrying a second time. I can only plan for my happy ending, but I am noone to decide.
For now, Mr Nice Guy will be a mystery for all to keep guessing his real identity. I know I feel genuinely happy and loved. I like the fact that we can talk for hours just by staring into the sky merely talking about the clouds.
I enjoy talking to him, knowing he wants to know and is interested to know, cared to know, and is listening.
Oh.. before I forget, I wanna share this love quote I saw, "When you've found a reason to walk away, never look back... Just keep walking. It's better to get lost moving on than to get stuck and stranded broken."
It kindda help explain why my heart is closed for the retired King. The best part was, I did not hate him, I did not feel revengeful, I did not feel hurt anymore, I just felt that I can't accept him. I just can't find the room to relent to his words. I felt irritated with his repeated telecast. 2 years, and still no change.
He is doing what he did early this year, the same dialogue, the same drama. Still, at the end of the day, he's still the same ol jack.
It's not about deserving someone better, it's about wanting to be someone better for someone who truly loves you. Right now, at this moment, I gladly announce, that I am happy with someone who truly loves me, who loves communicating with me as much as I want to communicate with him, who tells me his opinion, his honest thoughts, and kept the focus of our communication topics to each other, our expectations, and the relationship we are going to establish more than anything else.
I wanna type more, but honestly.. I am so sleepy after eating so much, looking very much like a lady who's 3months pregnant.. Urghz.. And I will go on yagging and talking to him who wants to listen.
To the retired King : Go back to your parents, and the girl they chose for you. I am not God to decide for you. Neither am I anyone great to tell you what you have to do. For all I know, I had enough of all these drama. Two words: TOO LATE.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Quoted from Syurga Cinta
Jodoh itu terbagi kepada 3:
Pertama, jodoh dari syaitan
Kamu berdua berkenalan.
Berpeganan tangan dan terus membuat maksiat
akhirnya dia mengandung. Baru kamu menikah
Kedua, jodoh dari jin
Kamu berdua berkenalan.
Kamu sukakan dia. tapi dia tidak sukakan kamu.
kamu bomohkan dah syihirkan agar dia sukakan kamu
dan kamu dua menikah
Ketiga, jodoh dari Allah
Kamu berdua berpandangan mata dan terus menusuk kalbu
Kamu masuk meminang dan dia terima pinangan itu
dan kamu berdua menikah
insy’allah, berkekalan hingga ke akhir hayat
dan itulah yg dikatakan..
Syurga Cinta .
I dunno how to translate the above.. But I hope Mr Nice Guy is the man whom He has created for me, to take care of me, and to be with me till eternity.
He waited for one year.. one exact year... Is this fate, or is this yet another illusion of my much wanted happy ending?
I rejected him last year, only to be with the King and to only find my heart broken into a million pieces. After one exact year, Allah allowed our paths to intersect one more time... Allah knows what is best for me, and I shall trust him, and accept what is bound to happen and what has already been planned for me, undertake and to go through all the hurdles that He wants me to through and I will always thank Him for everything.
May I find the Jodoh from Allah this time round... Insya'Allah.
Pertama, jodoh dari syaitan
Kamu berdua berkenalan.
Berpeganan tangan dan terus membuat maksiat
akhirnya dia mengandung. Baru kamu menikah
Kedua, jodoh dari jin
Kamu berdua berkenalan.
Kamu sukakan dia. tapi dia tidak sukakan kamu.
kamu bomohkan dah syihirkan agar dia sukakan kamu
dan kamu dua menikah
Ketiga, jodoh dari Allah
Kamu berdua berpandangan mata dan terus menusuk kalbu
Kamu masuk meminang dan dia terima pinangan itu
dan kamu berdua menikah
insy’allah, berkekalan hingga ke akhir hayat
dan itulah yg dikatakan..
Syurga Cinta .
I dunno how to translate the above.. But I hope Mr Nice Guy is the man whom He has created for me, to take care of me, and to be with me till eternity.
He waited for one year.. one exact year... Is this fate, or is this yet another illusion of my much wanted happy ending?
I rejected him last year, only to be with the King and to only find my heart broken into a million pieces. After one exact year, Allah allowed our paths to intersect one more time... Allah knows what is best for me, and I shall trust him, and accept what is bound to happen and what has already been planned for me, undertake and to go through all the hurdles that He wants me to through and I will always thank Him for everything.
May I find the Jodoh from Allah this time round... Insya'Allah.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
"Pain in the arse" BF vs "Bullshit" BF Part 4
A BULLSHIT bf would say he dun wanna lose you but marry someone else, saying he's forced to do it.
A PAIN IN THE ARSE bf would say he's leaving his parents to be with you.
A BULLSHIT bf would measure his love by the materialistic values that he has.
A PAIN IN THE ARSE bf would say he has nothing but his love for you and would do everything that it takes persistently without failure.
A BULLSHIT bf would say he wants to be with you, but will still marry someone else anyway.
A PAIN IN THE ARSE bf would tell you he's going to do a makeover session with another girl simply because. And would tell you upfront even before the makeover takes place.
A BULLSHIT bf would hide everything, and when you find out, he'll claim that he had wanted to tell you earlier.
A PAIN IN THE ARSE bf would say he's leaving his parents to be with you.
A BULLSHIT bf would measure his love by the materialistic values that he has.
A PAIN IN THE ARSE bf would say he has nothing but his love for you and would do everything that it takes persistently without failure.
A BULLSHIT bf would say he wants to be with you, but will still marry someone else anyway.
A PAIN IN THE ARSE bf would tell you he's going to do a makeover session with another girl simply because. And would tell you upfront even before the makeover takes place.
A BULLSHIT bf would hide everything, and when you find out, he'll claim that he had wanted to tell you earlier.
This is Life....
I'm exited out of the King's life. I found his makeover photos with his future wife on Syra Skinz, and so he admitted that he's going to get married at the end of the year. And so be it.
My heart is broken and beared so much hurt that it hurts to even mention his name. Tears parted from my eyes without me knowing, my nights went without sleep, my fever kept increasing, my weight continued to go down, and yet I was still labeled as the bad person.
Aku lah manusia yang paling hina di pandangan keluarga Kau, dari itu, silalah undurkan diri Kau daripada hidup Aku seperti mana Aku disiksa zahir dan batin untuk terus keraskan hati untuk menghapuskan segala memori Aku bersama Kau secara sengaja atau tidak. Jangan lah Engkau dekati Aku atau cuba untuk muncul dalam hidup Aku selagi Engkau hidup, kerana sudah tiada lagi ruang kemaafan bagi Engkau dalam hati Aku yang sudah diremuk teruk oleh Engkau.
Aku lah manusia yang paling hina di pandangan keluarga Kau, dari itu, aku tidak akan pernah layak untuk terus berada di dalam hidup Kau walaupun hanya sekadar di dalam ingatan. Dari itu hentikan bibir Kau daripada mengungkapkan nama Aku walau di dalam mimpi Kau. Aku sekadar wanita janda yang hina di pandangan keluarga Kau, tinggalkan Aku dan lupakan Aku.
My heart is broken and beared so much hurt that it hurts to even mention his name. Tears parted from my eyes without me knowing, my nights went without sleep, my fever kept increasing, my weight continued to go down, and yet I was still labeled as the bad person.
Aku lah manusia yang paling hina di pandangan keluarga Kau, dari itu, silalah undurkan diri Kau daripada hidup Aku seperti mana Aku disiksa zahir dan batin untuk terus keraskan hati untuk menghapuskan segala memori Aku bersama Kau secara sengaja atau tidak. Jangan lah Engkau dekati Aku atau cuba untuk muncul dalam hidup Aku selagi Engkau hidup, kerana sudah tiada lagi ruang kemaafan bagi Engkau dalam hati Aku yang sudah diremuk teruk oleh Engkau.
Aku lah manusia yang paling hina di pandangan keluarga Kau, dari itu, aku tidak akan pernah layak untuk terus berada di dalam hidup Kau walaupun hanya sekadar di dalam ingatan. Dari itu hentikan bibir Kau daripada mengungkapkan nama Aku walau di dalam mimpi Kau. Aku sekadar wanita janda yang hina di pandangan keluarga Kau, tinggalkan Aku dan lupakan Aku.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Let's talk.... In silence....
I watched a movie with the King last week... I must have spent about 3 hours with him that day.. I was mad right from the start.. Mad because of the way he replied me - he sounded off.. Like he wasn't excited to see me or watch a movie with me, he always had something else in his mind... his artificial wife, or her plastic surgeries that needs touching up, or maybe his mom who wants things to be perfect...
Through the movie, I had to put up with a rude couple who keeps going on and on about what's the next step in the movie.. What etiquette is left in Singaporeans - honestly? It's a love comedy, laugh as loud as you want when it's funny, i have no issues with that! But please don't go on and on about whether the woman will fall for the guy or if the guy is gonna fall for her, or if he is jealous, or what shit that is suppose to happen next. The director already took care of that, so can the movie goers just shut up and watch the movie already? There are other movie watchers who would appreciate the movie without having people yagging and gagging about what's going to happen next. KEEP IT TO YOURSELF, damn it!
As the movie is going to end, I got even more mad, when they refuse to get out to continue their unfinished comments about the movie. What made me more mad, is the fact that the King kept checking his phone. The thing that made me even madder is the fact that he allowed me to walk like I watched the movie alone, right upfront between many couples who left hand in hand, or hand in waist..
As we exit heading to an escalator, the King caught up with me and asked where we are going to have dinner, i mumbled my defined answer. He was too far away for me to talk to him, so why bother, I dun want to raise my voice and let everyone know where I want to eat..
So he got closer and asked for the second time, he heard it clearly this time. As we headed down to have dinner, there were no words exchanged. He told me he had to withdraw some cash... And I just nodded, couldn't care any less.. He handed me cash to buy him what he wants, just enough for his, actually. So I paid for my own dinner, and even gave him my change. No questions asked. He knew, but he didn't bother asking, what's there to ask anyway?
We headed out of that place to blow some clouds.. and soon after, he turned around, "Let's go home." I nodded, almost relieved. "Text me when you get home" I looked down, ready to head to my Blast. He pulled to kiss me, and that's our goodbye for the day..
Fabulous, don't you think?
While other couples go about talking non-stop, we spoke in silence.. All the time, everytime...
Through the movie, I had to put up with a rude couple who keeps going on and on about what's the next step in the movie.. What etiquette is left in Singaporeans - honestly? It's a love comedy, laugh as loud as you want when it's funny, i have no issues with that! But please don't go on and on about whether the woman will fall for the guy or if the guy is gonna fall for her, or if he is jealous, or what shit that is suppose to happen next. The director already took care of that, so can the movie goers just shut up and watch the movie already? There are other movie watchers who would appreciate the movie without having people yagging and gagging about what's going to happen next. KEEP IT TO YOURSELF, damn it!
As the movie is going to end, I got even more mad, when they refuse to get out to continue their unfinished comments about the movie. What made me more mad, is the fact that the King kept checking his phone. The thing that made me even madder is the fact that he allowed me to walk like I watched the movie alone, right upfront between many couples who left hand in hand, or hand in waist..
As we exit heading to an escalator, the King caught up with me and asked where we are going to have dinner, i mumbled my defined answer. He was too far away for me to talk to him, so why bother, I dun want to raise my voice and let everyone know where I want to eat..
So he got closer and asked for the second time, he heard it clearly this time. As we headed down to have dinner, there were no words exchanged. He told me he had to withdraw some cash... And I just nodded, couldn't care any less.. He handed me cash to buy him what he wants, just enough for his, actually. So I paid for my own dinner, and even gave him my change. No questions asked. He knew, but he didn't bother asking, what's there to ask anyway?
We headed out of that place to blow some clouds.. and soon after, he turned around, "Let's go home." I nodded, almost relieved. "Text me when you get home" I looked down, ready to head to my Blast. He pulled to kiss me, and that's our goodbye for the day..
Fabulous, don't you think?
While other couples go about talking non-stop, we spoke in silence.. All the time, everytime...
Monday, August 31, 2009
"Pain in the arse" BF vs "Bullshit" BF Part 3
The thing is, some people thought a bullshit bf is a pain in the arse, when it's just plain bullshit that irritates the whole heart and mind system.
The most irritating part is the fact that some bullshit bf wants to be a pain the arse bf, but sadly it can never work that way.
The pain the arse bf, is pretty much someone noone wanna have, plainly because there will never be honeymoon period or a special name to call you by. He will call you every name he used to call his friends, which often include, "Oi", "Eh", "Stupid", "Ugly" and "Fool". And after 6months of name calling, he will decide to call you some legendary name like "small kid" or "lil sis" or just plainly "You".
Almost every girl would opt for a bullshit bf because he would be calling you every nice name you can recall which includes, "Honey", "Love", "Sweetheart" and "Wifey". The thing is, it's not that I dun like these names that he calls me by... It's just that, you can't tell if he means it well or is just randomly calling you by that because he's been calling another woman the same. It's not that I want to, or think so, or doubt the loyalty that is being portrayed. It's just, i dunno..
When a pain in arse calls me "sweetheart", i turned to look at him in the eye, and put on a doubting smile wondering why he's being so nice.. and then realised he simply means it.. Often, it only happens when there's only the two of you. And you always have to put up with him calling you "Oi" in front of his friends, and have his friends to scold him, and then you simply push them aside and say, "Yes, Stupid, what you want?" and get away with it just fine. Not a single argument. But when a bullshit bf calls you sweetly, and out of a moment of folly (being in midst of doing something or engaged with something or something like that) you replied, "What?" and get some greyish face looking back at you like you've just broke his heart. Often, an argument follows. And it's the same vice versa. Which is truly strange. Irony, more like it.
I can put up with a pain in the arse calling me stupid and ugly all the time, but could not stand a bullshit calling me the same - not even once. And that includes implication of such callings. Phrases like, "I told you before, you dun wanna listen" translates itself into "Stupid woman, dunno how to listen now want to complain". I guess that explains my greyish looking face and often silence follows, not wanting to go further into the conversation and that too became my fault.
The thing that sets me thinking is the fact that a pain in the arse know what the heck Quality Time means to me, but a bullshit keeps thinking it's just time together regardless, and sometimes, invite others along or worst - asking me to invite others along.
If I ever need to define Quality Time in my own words, it'd be time spent just the two of you where both of you think there's only the two of you, when you will just do spontaneous fun things together, or go to somewhere secluded to enjoy some scenery or simply the wind to just unwind and talk about random things in the relationship, of the things we went through together, of the things that happened along the way. And at the end of the day, be cozy somewhere else... And then get home sealing each other a special kiss before we part away... In the conversation, it'd be just about the two of you, and noone else is going to be in the picture. Even if there's other names that are bound to pop in, the focus should remain to both of you, and not on the other names that are mentioned.
Sadly, some people thought quality time is just talking and them listening. Sigh.. That, my friend, is when the woman face a problem, she wants to talk it out and have you to listen and not say a word unless she ask you to say something. That is not quality time, that is a way to show her you cared, and you'd be there for her. Or when a man feels like he had accomplished something and wanna feel proud about it and show off. Woman just listen to them and not comment anything - actually, i think men are always and forever showing off something. And we women just keep listening and nod. But strangely, when women wanna do that, the men start gagging about it not being anything too special to wow at. so these women just end with a grey face, and just sink low.. And yet, it's became their fault, again.
If I were to really write down the whole list to compare these two people... i could have written the list for a year and still not finish it..
So I decide to end it here, and hope people could understand that it's not the pain in the arse that i am having problems with... it's the bullshits that i have to put up with that truly irritates me..
Random: I hate repeat telecast on jokes and funny programmes. the only comedy programmes that can go on repeat telecast and work great is those of P. Ramlee's... And jokes are meant to be funny, not hurting..
The old shirt I wore yesterday made my quote today, "Don't just break limits, give me a break.. "
The most irritating part is the fact that some bullshit bf wants to be a pain the arse bf, but sadly it can never work that way.
The pain the arse bf, is pretty much someone noone wanna have, plainly because there will never be honeymoon period or a special name to call you by. He will call you every name he used to call his friends, which often include, "Oi", "Eh", "Stupid", "Ugly" and "Fool". And after 6months of name calling, he will decide to call you some legendary name like "small kid" or "lil sis" or just plainly "You".
Almost every girl would opt for a bullshit bf because he would be calling you every nice name you can recall which includes, "Honey", "Love", "Sweetheart" and "Wifey". The thing is, it's not that I dun like these names that he calls me by... It's just that, you can't tell if he means it well or is just randomly calling you by that because he's been calling another woman the same. It's not that I want to, or think so, or doubt the loyalty that is being portrayed. It's just, i dunno..
When a pain in arse calls me "sweetheart", i turned to look at him in the eye, and put on a doubting smile wondering why he's being so nice.. and then realised he simply means it.. Often, it only happens when there's only the two of you. And you always have to put up with him calling you "Oi" in front of his friends, and have his friends to scold him, and then you simply push them aside and say, "Yes, Stupid, what you want?" and get away with it just fine. Not a single argument. But when a bullshit bf calls you sweetly, and out of a moment of folly (being in midst of doing something or engaged with something or something like that) you replied, "What?" and get some greyish face looking back at you like you've just broke his heart. Often, an argument follows. And it's the same vice versa. Which is truly strange. Irony, more like it.
I can put up with a pain in the arse calling me stupid and ugly all the time, but could not stand a bullshit calling me the same - not even once. And that includes implication of such callings. Phrases like, "I told you before, you dun wanna listen" translates itself into "Stupid woman, dunno how to listen now want to complain". I guess that explains my greyish looking face and often silence follows, not wanting to go further into the conversation and that too became my fault.
The thing that sets me thinking is the fact that a pain in the arse know what the heck Quality Time means to me, but a bullshit keeps thinking it's just time together regardless, and sometimes, invite others along or worst - asking me to invite others along.
If I ever need to define Quality Time in my own words, it'd be time spent just the two of you where both of you think there's only the two of you, when you will just do spontaneous fun things together, or go to somewhere secluded to enjoy some scenery or simply the wind to just unwind and talk about random things in the relationship, of the things we went through together, of the things that happened along the way. And at the end of the day, be cozy somewhere else... And then get home sealing each other a special kiss before we part away... In the conversation, it'd be just about the two of you, and noone else is going to be in the picture. Even if there's other names that are bound to pop in, the focus should remain to both of you, and not on the other names that are mentioned.
Sadly, some people thought quality time is just talking and them listening. Sigh.. That, my friend, is when the woman face a problem, she wants to talk it out and have you to listen and not say a word unless she ask you to say something. That is not quality time, that is a way to show her you cared, and you'd be there for her. Or when a man feels like he had accomplished something and wanna feel proud about it and show off. Woman just listen to them and not comment anything - actually, i think men are always and forever showing off something. And we women just keep listening and nod. But strangely, when women wanna do that, the men start gagging about it not being anything too special to wow at. so these women just end with a grey face, and just sink low.. And yet, it's became their fault, again.
If I were to really write down the whole list to compare these two people... i could have written the list for a year and still not finish it..
So I decide to end it here, and hope people could understand that it's not the pain in the arse that i am having problems with... it's the bullshits that i have to put up with that truly irritates me..
Random: I hate repeat telecast on jokes and funny programmes. the only comedy programmes that can go on repeat telecast and work great is those of P. Ramlee's... And jokes are meant to be funny, not hurting..
The old shirt I wore yesterday made my quote today, "Don't just break limits, give me a break.. "
Friday, August 28, 2009
"Pain in the arse" BF vs "Bullshit" BF Part 2
A pain in the arse bf is always true, he'll be what he is when he is just a friend, and will be the way he is even when he is your bf. He never change, never would and will be honest about himself not compromising to a change, giving you the authority to remain as who you are and not change as well.
A bullshit bf will be superbly nice as a friend, and transform to someone else when he is your boyfriend, telling you he's trying to change to be what you want him to be, and telling you that you need to change too. Often ending up in acting so he is more accepting and willing to change.
A pain in the arse bf would not care to hold your hand, and would not care to tell his friends you're his girlfriend but will tell a guy who wanted to get to know you in his presence you're his wife by surprise.
A bullshit bf tells or show his friends whom you know you're his girl, doesnt bother showing you to his friends whom you dunno, and would ask you if you're interested in the guy who wanted to know you, just so he could say he's not good enough for you, making you feel guilty.
A pain in the arse bf always has alone time with you, spending time with you even when he's merely playing games and not talking to you.
A bullshit bf always spends time with you in the presence of common friends, but hardly have alone time with you.
A pain in the arse bf never show public affection in the presence of his friends unless we havent met in a long time. Never had anything to say to his friends about you.
A bullshit bf shows public affection when you demand so in the presence of common friends just so you dont throw tantrums. Always had something to say to common friends mostly negative...
A pain in the arse bf trusts you and never bother to double check with friends of your whereabouts or what you said.
A bullshit bf would go around asking common friends to double check of what you said you were doing or about your whereabouts.
A pain in the arse bf is hard to get, but easy to rid. Plainly because he respects your decision.
A bullshit bf is easy to get, but hard to rid. Plainly because he never wants to lose face to common friends.
A pain in the arse bf always says the truth even when it hurts, in the most calm manner and knows when not to say a thing.
A bullshit bf always seemed to lie, making you feel like it's okay, and in the end, everything is your fault, and never know when to put it to stop.
A pain in the arse bf never texted or call you from the start, but meet often.
A bullshit bf text you randomly, and always meet you as a friend, but when you're his girl, he never text you but expects you to text him, and rarely meet.
A pain in the arse bf always had something more important than you and tells you the truth about the fact but still randomly make time for you.
A bullshit bf always had something more important than you and thinks that its okay and expects you to understand without telling you anything about it.
A pain in the arse bf in never calculative about money or anything as a friend and more so when you're his girl.
A bullshit bf is never calculative when you're his friend, but calculates down to every single detail when you're his girl.
PS: May have more to come, still...
A bullshit bf will be superbly nice as a friend, and transform to someone else when he is your boyfriend, telling you he's trying to change to be what you want him to be, and telling you that you need to change too. Often ending up in acting so he is more accepting and willing to change.
A pain in the arse bf would not care to hold your hand, and would not care to tell his friends you're his girlfriend but will tell a guy who wanted to get to know you in his presence you're his wife by surprise.
A bullshit bf tells or show his friends whom you know you're his girl, doesnt bother showing you to his friends whom you dunno, and would ask you if you're interested in the guy who wanted to know you, just so he could say he's not good enough for you, making you feel guilty.
A pain in the arse bf always has alone time with you, spending time with you even when he's merely playing games and not talking to you.
A bullshit bf always spends time with you in the presence of common friends, but hardly have alone time with you.
A pain in the arse bf never show public affection in the presence of his friends unless we havent met in a long time. Never had anything to say to his friends about you.
A bullshit bf shows public affection when you demand so in the presence of common friends just so you dont throw tantrums. Always had something to say to common friends mostly negative...
A pain in the arse bf trusts you and never bother to double check with friends of your whereabouts or what you said.
A bullshit bf would go around asking common friends to double check of what you said you were doing or about your whereabouts.
A pain in the arse bf is hard to get, but easy to rid. Plainly because he respects your decision.
A bullshit bf is easy to get, but hard to rid. Plainly because he never wants to lose face to common friends.
A pain in the arse bf always says the truth even when it hurts, in the most calm manner and knows when not to say a thing.
A bullshit bf always seemed to lie, making you feel like it's okay, and in the end, everything is your fault, and never know when to put it to stop.
A pain in the arse bf never texted or call you from the start, but meet often.
A bullshit bf text you randomly, and always meet you as a friend, but when you're his girl, he never text you but expects you to text him, and rarely meet.
A pain in the arse bf always had something more important than you and tells you the truth about the fact but still randomly make time for you.
A bullshit bf always had something more important than you and thinks that its okay and expects you to understand without telling you anything about it.
A pain in the arse bf in never calculative about money or anything as a friend and more so when you're his girl.
A bullshit bf is never calculative when you're his friend, but calculates down to every single detail when you're his girl.
PS: May have more to come, still...
Thursday, August 27, 2009
"Pain in the arse" BF vs "Bullshit" BF
A Pain in The Arse bf would tell you honestly what he has in mind which gives you the right to tell him off what you had in mind and end with a laugh in each others' arms.
A Bullshit bf would either lie through his teeth or keep silent which leaves to wondering what he has in mind, leading you to silent because you end up not knowing what to ask because if you had asked the wrong thing, you'd end up getting a hell of a lecture and cry to sleep.
A Pain in The Arse bf could tell you how ugly and stupid you really are, and looked at a hottie past by and tell how big her boobs are compared to yours, and next would be your turn to say how ugly and stupid he is and looked at a hottie and compare how firm his butt was compared to his, and stare at each other before ending up doing stupid faces and joke about each other and end up snuggling in each others' arms knowing you're loved deeply and honestly even though there are other hotties around.
A Bullshit bf would look at a hottie, spill the beans that she's hot, and you stare at him.. ending with him telling you how hot you are even when you're not and start critisizing the hottie who just passed emphasizing you're hotter than her. And when you are looking at another hottie, he would resign to say he's not good enough and didnt bother to even try to be better or show his worth.
A Pain in The Arse bf would tell you that you cannot touch his things, or be his pillion/passenger when you're just a friend and continues to tell so when you're his gf.
A Bullshit bf would tell you it's okay to be his pillion/passenger or touch his things when you're just a friend and suddenly say it's not okay to do that when you're his gf.
A Pain in The Arse bf would not care to help when you're just a friend and tells her he'd rather help his gf for special benefits.
A Bullshit bf would go all out to help when you're his friend, making time and being there for you. But suddenly had no time to do so and start pointing out negative things to emphasize that it is your fault when you're his gf.
PS: More to come, can't think anymore...
A Bullshit bf would either lie through his teeth or keep silent which leaves to wondering what he has in mind, leading you to silent because you end up not knowing what to ask because if you had asked the wrong thing, you'd end up getting a hell of a lecture and cry to sleep.
A Pain in The Arse bf could tell you how ugly and stupid you really are, and looked at a hottie past by and tell how big her boobs are compared to yours, and next would be your turn to say how ugly and stupid he is and looked at a hottie and compare how firm his butt was compared to his, and stare at each other before ending up doing stupid faces and joke about each other and end up snuggling in each others' arms knowing you're loved deeply and honestly even though there are other hotties around.
A Bullshit bf would look at a hottie, spill the beans that she's hot, and you stare at him.. ending with him telling you how hot you are even when you're not and start critisizing the hottie who just passed emphasizing you're hotter than her. And when you are looking at another hottie, he would resign to say he's not good enough and didnt bother to even try to be better or show his worth.
A Pain in The Arse bf would tell you that you cannot touch his things, or be his pillion/passenger when you're just a friend and continues to tell so when you're his gf.
A Bullshit bf would tell you it's okay to be his pillion/passenger or touch his things when you're just a friend and suddenly say it's not okay to do that when you're his gf.
A Pain in The Arse bf would not care to help when you're just a friend and tells her he'd rather help his gf for special benefits.
A Bullshit bf would go all out to help when you're his friend, making time and being there for you. But suddenly had no time to do so and start pointing out negative things to emphasize that it is your fault when you're his gf.
PS: More to come, can't think anymore...
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Already felt bad, thanks for making me feel worse...
It seems like noone could make me better when i'm at my lowest... I texted him to say my pay is in, but was less than $1K.. And that I decide to lay up my bike since there's no way i could find any sources to pay anything... And guess what he replied?
He said, "If you think laying up your bike would solve the problem, so be it. Sorry I can't help." If you were me, would you even consider feeling better? Because I didn't... I felt worse that I already am...
It seems like he had a better alternative.. Which I dun think exist.. Enlighten me if you think he meant something different that what i had interpreted, otherwise known as something positive.
He said, "If you think laying up your bike would solve the problem, so be it. Sorry I can't help." If you were me, would you even consider feeling better? Because I didn't... I felt worse that I already am...
It seems like he had a better alternative.. Which I dun think exist.. Enlighten me if you think he meant something different that what i had interpreted, otherwise known as something positive.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
One long update...
7th August 2009 (Friday)
Back from a long weekend penniless, had a wedding on the 7th August at Rivervale Walk, met NH & her fiancee at 8plus... then spent a few hours chatting her up about our young days in primary school, and then rode together back home....
8th August 2009 (Saturday)
Went to CN's house to see her daughter.. she was pure cute little angel... Reminds me a lot of my own nieces when I taking care of little tots... especially my first two nieces.. Spend about 3hours at her house, before I made a move to meet the guys at Mosi Cafe... Supposed to meet at 8pm, I reached at 9pm and was still the first to arrive.. haha.. Soon after SA came, then redx came, and soon everyone else came and flood the whole place.. quikslvr, hybrid, alpinestar + gf, izecubez, wawan, tknge, ragnaphobia, krisna, din, and of course the King... amongst many many others who came, it was a really big turn out.. we went over to newton to meet mito riders, even. then we moved to our secret place, i was pretty sure there was more than 20 bikes altogether, we then met subzero at the dam among a few others. it was really great..
the only not-so-great things was that i felt like i was single, talking to a group while he's talking to another group... there were occasions that i came to him, but wasn't acknowledged, although most times, he'll invite me to be next to him, but i felt unhappy.. I was totally dressed up that night, and it went unnoticed by him whilst most of the guys compliments my effort in dressing up.. ppffhh.. hated it!
i was blurred on the way back, and took a much much longer route than usual.. damnit.. made me more unhappy... texted and ended in an argument with him..
9th August (Sunday)
Stayed home with my family at home watching the national day parade on tv.. we all gathered to spot all the bloopers and kept complaining about it getting worse year by year eversince it was held at that float... I simply preferred it the old way, i guess..
10th August (Monday)
Supposed to have my secondary school reunion but noone could make it in the end, so ended up spending my day at 2nd sis house.. suppose to meet him that night... but i dunno how, we misinterpreted each other's message and ended up arguing and ended up not meeting at all...
11th August (Tuesday)
He texted me and asked if I wanna join him at HV with some guys.. But I have a practical, so I asked him to proceed and I'd texted him once i am done.. Strange that we made up that quickly after what happened the night before.. But i was rather glad he made the move..
I texted him once i was done, and he asked me to come over.. So I did, and he hugged me, I got shy - yes shy.. can u believe it? I think i blushed!! maybe it's just that its been so long since i was hugged.. oh well.. then amazingly, we have private chats whilst being with the guys.. in the guys' presence we managed to steal a few moments to have our own private chat.. That made me so happy for no reason, really.. he asked if we could watch a movie the next day.. So I said okay if he really wants to...
12th August (Wednesday)
I had a bad headache and decided to rest at home.. Pay still haven't got creditted, no money to even see a doctor.. I slept the whole morning...
Evening came, and we didnt meet coz he's too tired.. I let it go..
13th August (Thursday)
Returned to work.. although I still had a spinning head.. Sometime through the evening he texted to ask if I wanna meet up, I said ok, but I wasnt that fit to ride, so asked him to drive my car instead. For once we chatted the whole journey in the car.. it felt so great to finally talk to him like how we used to... He drove to Jln Kayu to meet the guys.. Subzero, Steven, Sunny, izecubez, priller & chris was already there when we arrived, soon after xxes123 and ragnaphobia joined us..
Then they wanted to go to the secret place, so we headed down. I felt like we were the support car that night. And amazing thing was, we chatted the whole time in the car.. I felt amazingly great.. talking about little things, of the things that we went through that day was good enough for me. I just needed that. the freedom to talk and the ability to hold a conversation with me is almost like a success story to me..
14th August 2009
My headache got worse, so i truly slept the whole morning and afternoon.. Only got up at about 5plus.. got reminded to fetch him from work, and go for my prac.. While on the road, my hp slipped off my bag, and after u turning to search of it with him, it was nowhere to be found... And my mind was not into prac that night following the unfortunate event..
I ended up throwing my frust at him.. geesh... I just wanted him to cheer me up, but he reminded me of my carelessness... I wanted him to say its okay.. and that he's still there for me, and is still with me... but oh well...
15th August 2009
Went to an interview, got the job, will start on Monday.. Haiz.. then he texted and asked if i wanna wash bike with him tomorrow.. I wanted to tell him something else.. Dunno if I will be able to.. He asked me to invite the guys.. haiya... if he want to invite, invite himself la.. I wanted to talk to him, and whine... just hope he wont give me stupid remarks, or something that hurts.. or turn me off..
Had a great day with my nieces and nephew this evening... laughed till I cried again.. haha.. Children are just such a joy..
I hope tomorrow can be better for me..
Back from a long weekend penniless, had a wedding on the 7th August at Rivervale Walk, met NH & her fiancee at 8plus... then spent a few hours chatting her up about our young days in primary school, and then rode together back home....
8th August 2009 (Saturday)
Went to CN's house to see her daughter.. she was pure cute little angel... Reminds me a lot of my own nieces when I taking care of little tots... especially my first two nieces.. Spend about 3hours at her house, before I made a move to meet the guys at Mosi Cafe... Supposed to meet at 8pm, I reached at 9pm and was still the first to arrive.. haha.. Soon after SA came, then redx came, and soon everyone else came and flood the whole place.. quikslvr, hybrid, alpinestar + gf, izecubez, wawan, tknge, ragnaphobia, krisna, din, and of course the King... amongst many many others who came, it was a really big turn out.. we went over to newton to meet mito riders, even. then we moved to our secret place, i was pretty sure there was more than 20 bikes altogether, we then met subzero at the dam among a few others. it was really great..
the only not-so-great things was that i felt like i was single, talking to a group while he's talking to another group... there were occasions that i came to him, but wasn't acknowledged, although most times, he'll invite me to be next to him, but i felt unhappy.. I was totally dressed up that night, and it went unnoticed by him whilst most of the guys compliments my effort in dressing up.. ppffhh.. hated it!
i was blurred on the way back, and took a much much longer route than usual.. damnit.. made me more unhappy... texted and ended in an argument with him..
9th August (Sunday)
Stayed home with my family at home watching the national day parade on tv.. we all gathered to spot all the bloopers and kept complaining about it getting worse year by year eversince it was held at that float... I simply preferred it the old way, i guess..
10th August (Monday)
Supposed to have my secondary school reunion but noone could make it in the end, so ended up spending my day at 2nd sis house.. suppose to meet him that night... but i dunno how, we misinterpreted each other's message and ended up arguing and ended up not meeting at all...
11th August (Tuesday)
He texted me and asked if I wanna join him at HV with some guys.. But I have a practical, so I asked him to proceed and I'd texted him once i am done.. Strange that we made up that quickly after what happened the night before.. But i was rather glad he made the move..
I texted him once i was done, and he asked me to come over.. So I did, and he hugged me, I got shy - yes shy.. can u believe it? I think i blushed!! maybe it's just that its been so long since i was hugged.. oh well.. then amazingly, we have private chats whilst being with the guys.. in the guys' presence we managed to steal a few moments to have our own private chat.. That made me so happy for no reason, really.. he asked if we could watch a movie the next day.. So I said okay if he really wants to...
12th August (Wednesday)
I had a bad headache and decided to rest at home.. Pay still haven't got creditted, no money to even see a doctor.. I slept the whole morning...
Evening came, and we didnt meet coz he's too tired.. I let it go..
13th August (Thursday)
Returned to work.. although I still had a spinning head.. Sometime through the evening he texted to ask if I wanna meet up, I said ok, but I wasnt that fit to ride, so asked him to drive my car instead. For once we chatted the whole journey in the car.. it felt so great to finally talk to him like how we used to... He drove to Jln Kayu to meet the guys.. Subzero, Steven, Sunny, izecubez, priller & chris was already there when we arrived, soon after xxes123 and ragnaphobia joined us..
Then they wanted to go to the secret place, so we headed down. I felt like we were the support car that night. And amazing thing was, we chatted the whole time in the car.. I felt amazingly great.. talking about little things, of the things that we went through that day was good enough for me. I just needed that. the freedom to talk and the ability to hold a conversation with me is almost like a success story to me..
14th August 2009
My headache got worse, so i truly slept the whole morning and afternoon.. Only got up at about 5plus.. got reminded to fetch him from work, and go for my prac.. While on the road, my hp slipped off my bag, and after u turning to search of it with him, it was nowhere to be found... And my mind was not into prac that night following the unfortunate event..
I ended up throwing my frust at him.. geesh... I just wanted him to cheer me up, but he reminded me of my carelessness... I wanted him to say its okay.. and that he's still there for me, and is still with me... but oh well...
15th August 2009
Went to an interview, got the job, will start on Monday.. Haiz.. then he texted and asked if i wanna wash bike with him tomorrow.. I wanted to tell him something else.. Dunno if I will be able to.. He asked me to invite the guys.. haiya... if he want to invite, invite himself la.. I wanted to talk to him, and whine... just hope he wont give me stupid remarks, or something that hurts.. or turn me off..
Had a great day with my nieces and nephew this evening... laughed till I cried again.. haha.. Children are just such a joy..
I hope tomorrow can be better for me..
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Communication Break-down
I dunno why it has been extremely hard to communicate across a simple message to each other. A simple text of "I'll be late" became impossible. And "I reaching home already" became easily misinterpreted. When such issues were surfaced, we started playing the blame game, with no focus on any possible solutions.
Our effort in trying became useless, unappreciated, and just went off like nothing ever happened. And so it became more of a "whose fault is it anyway" kindda show..
If simple message failed to be delivered, what more a conversation of a more serious issue?
After a lengthy email of the need to communicate, and the issues we are having, he replied asking if I wanna watch a movie.. And how the hell are we going to communicate while watching a movie? What benefit has watching a movie got?
And me suggesting to sit down and talk so we could spend less money and settle things out became a chore for him.
And so I asked for a break-up.. What's the deal for staying together when we can't even hold a conversation? What's the deal when we can't even understand a simple message from each other? I can't hold on any longer.. I'm sick of being alone..
He knows how annoying it is to be repeating himself, but he failed to see that I've been repeating myself over the past 2 months without him understanding a word I said. And after spending a lot of time trying to send a message across, it annoys me that he still did not get what I mean or even try..
Everytime I tried to let him know how I felt by creating a scenario with the tables turned, he still failed to see and understand how I felt. Instead he accused me of making a fuss over small matters. I have no freaking idea, when he'll ever understand me or how I felt. Because all he does is accumulate all the negative things I potray to frame me and make it my fault.
How can I not be angry when for the one year I had known him, he's always late and never was on time for our dates? And had no initiative to even tell me that he is running late. I know there are times that I was late, but I believe I had told him that I'm on the way, and might be late.
To err is human, I know.. But how many times, is acceptable? How frequent is okay? We can't even communicate a simple sentence and get our heads to see it the same way.. What more on things that may inflict personal critics?
Our effort in trying became useless, unappreciated, and just went off like nothing ever happened. And so it became more of a "whose fault is it anyway" kindda show..
If simple message failed to be delivered, what more a conversation of a more serious issue?
After a lengthy email of the need to communicate, and the issues we are having, he replied asking if I wanna watch a movie.. And how the hell are we going to communicate while watching a movie? What benefit has watching a movie got?
And me suggesting to sit down and talk so we could spend less money and settle things out became a chore for him.
And so I asked for a break-up.. What's the deal for staying together when we can't even hold a conversation? What's the deal when we can't even understand a simple message from each other? I can't hold on any longer.. I'm sick of being alone..
He knows how annoying it is to be repeating himself, but he failed to see that I've been repeating myself over the past 2 months without him understanding a word I said. And after spending a lot of time trying to send a message across, it annoys me that he still did not get what I mean or even try..
Everytime I tried to let him know how I felt by creating a scenario with the tables turned, he still failed to see and understand how I felt. Instead he accused me of making a fuss over small matters. I have no freaking idea, when he'll ever understand me or how I felt. Because all he does is accumulate all the negative things I potray to frame me and make it my fault.
How can I not be angry when for the one year I had known him, he's always late and never was on time for our dates? And had no initiative to even tell me that he is running late. I know there are times that I was late, but I believe I had told him that I'm on the way, and might be late.
To err is human, I know.. But how many times, is acceptable? How frequent is okay? We can't even communicate a simple sentence and get our heads to see it the same way.. What more on things that may inflict personal critics?
Monday, August 03, 2009
Weird Changes....
I had an argument with The King last Saturday... After the usual spitting of nasty words, and stupid questions... This time I ended my text with "I had enough" dialogue... things like i've said enough, dun put words into my mouth kindda dialogue.. Not exact words.. so dun flame me just as yet...
This time, The King gave me a good hour of silence which allowed both of us to cool down... And this time, he made the right move by texting me back nicely, informing me that he has reached home safely.. So I texted him back informing him that I'm meeting the guys at town...
And so I headed down to Town to meet quikslvr, redx, hybrid, phantom, alpinestar + gf, ragnaphobia, white ranger & aidil + gf. It was nice really.. And then... at 1am, The King called me to claim his much needed goodnight kiss... Made it nicer actually.. But I was kindda still mad at him... Oh... redx just broke up with his gf since forever. He was feeling down.. So we kept poking fun at each other so everyone could smile. I laughed till I cried that night...
After making each other bored to death, quikslvr decided to treat us for supper @ LPS. This was the nicest thing! Haha... I love the stingray!!
Sunday came... He actually texted me when he got home... It's not always that he does that. But I kindda got disappointed when I called him at 11pm for a short chat and for my goodnight kiss because like always, I couldnt hold any sort of conversation with him. He always seemed like he's in a rush and need to hang up quick.. I hate that.. I had to text him something.. then he called me back when I already fell asleep slightly over midnight. stupid guy...
Then Monday came, I texted him, no reply.. Up to now.. I dunno what's up with him.. Forever busy busy busy... Crap really...
Dunno when he will ever start to plan his week properly... Everything also last minute... haiyo..
This time, The King gave me a good hour of silence which allowed both of us to cool down... And this time, he made the right move by texting me back nicely, informing me that he has reached home safely.. So I texted him back informing him that I'm meeting the guys at town...
And so I headed down to Town to meet quikslvr, redx, hybrid, phantom, alpinestar + gf, ragnaphobia, white ranger & aidil + gf. It was nice really.. And then... at 1am, The King called me to claim his much needed goodnight kiss... Made it nicer actually.. But I was kindda still mad at him... Oh... redx just broke up with his gf since forever. He was feeling down.. So we kept poking fun at each other so everyone could smile. I laughed till I cried that night...
After making each other bored to death, quikslvr decided to treat us for supper @ LPS. This was the nicest thing! Haha... I love the stingray!!
Sunday came... He actually texted me when he got home... It's not always that he does that. But I kindda got disappointed when I called him at 11pm for a short chat and for my goodnight kiss because like always, I couldnt hold any sort of conversation with him. He always seemed like he's in a rush and need to hang up quick.. I hate that.. I had to text him something.. then he called me back when I already fell asleep slightly over midnight. stupid guy...
Then Monday came, I texted him, no reply.. Up to now.. I dunno what's up with him.. Forever busy busy busy... Crap really...
Dunno when he will ever start to plan his week properly... Everything also last minute... haiyo..
Friday, July 31, 2009
Update aka Latest News
Okay.. HI... Sorry for the long break.. Or was it short?
I'm currently writing a Malay Novel entitled Cinta Seorang Janda, just to kill time, I'm working on my 12th Episode now.. and my story kindda gets published episode by episode at Facebook to get some feel of how it's being accepted.. Episode 1 receives the most controversy at the moment.. And I sort of like it..
3 Episodes have been released and the 4th Episode will be released this weekend.. like tomorrow or something.. Strange thing was, the moment I set foot to write the novel, The King seemed to treat me better.. I dunno, perhaps it's just a coincident.. I have no idea, really..
I've been sick the whole of last week, B was sick on Sunday when she touched down. Was sick till now, I think.. It's like the season to fall sick, and right now, I had to admit that it's so freaking easy to get two days MC.. All you have to have is cough, flu or just plain fever.. This H1N1 is creating such a fuss.. Even when H1N5 or SARS was out, it was never this easy to get MC.
Oh well.. Last I heard, the youngest victim was only 3 years old.. And one of the many victims was my dad's friend. He was diagnosed with H1N1 and less than 3 days later, he was pronounced dead. It came as a shock to my dad. He had history of heart problems, so that explains. My dad started to fear if someone infected him and that kindda thing. But like any father, he never truly showed his fear.
And suddenly, I dunno why.. I just started to really pay attention to my dad, and I felt warm in my heart.. No matter how much he rant and rambled about me. He still came to help me.. Sometimes, I pity my dad, he always gets those nasty remarks... My sisters and I sometimes take turns to stand up for him. When granny starts saying something, or some aunt starts blaming my dad for my mom, it just seemed natural to fight for his rights. It is really Mom's fault sometimes, you know..
Ah.. Time to get back to work, really.. Adios~
I'm currently writing a Malay Novel entitled Cinta Seorang Janda, just to kill time, I'm working on my 12th Episode now.. and my story kindda gets published episode by episode at Facebook to get some feel of how it's being accepted.. Episode 1 receives the most controversy at the moment.. And I sort of like it..
3 Episodes have been released and the 4th Episode will be released this weekend.. like tomorrow or something.. Strange thing was, the moment I set foot to write the novel, The King seemed to treat me better.. I dunno, perhaps it's just a coincident.. I have no idea, really..
I've been sick the whole of last week, B was sick on Sunday when she touched down. Was sick till now, I think.. It's like the season to fall sick, and right now, I had to admit that it's so freaking easy to get two days MC.. All you have to have is cough, flu or just plain fever.. This H1N1 is creating such a fuss.. Even when H1N5 or SARS was out, it was never this easy to get MC.
Oh well.. Last I heard, the youngest victim was only 3 years old.. And one of the many victims was my dad's friend. He was diagnosed with H1N1 and less than 3 days later, he was pronounced dead. It came as a shock to my dad. He had history of heart problems, so that explains. My dad started to fear if someone infected him and that kindda thing. But like any father, he never truly showed his fear.
And suddenly, I dunno why.. I just started to really pay attention to my dad, and I felt warm in my heart.. No matter how much he rant and rambled about me. He still came to help me.. Sometimes, I pity my dad, he always gets those nasty remarks... My sisters and I sometimes take turns to stand up for him. When granny starts saying something, or some aunt starts blaming my dad for my mom, it just seemed natural to fight for his rights. It is really Mom's fault sometimes, you know..
Ah.. Time to get back to work, really.. Adios~
Friday, July 10, 2009
I'm sorry...
I'm sorry but I had to leave you so you could be fulfil your parents' wish.. I'm sorry but I had no strenght to fight on a losing battle.. I'm sorry but I can't go on knowing my heart would be broken again at the end of the day. I'm sorry but I have to go...
There is no doubt about my love for you. But I'm sorry bi, I am not as strong as you thought I was.. I can't continue being with you knowing your parents hated me.
I am walking away... a step at a time... In hope you'd be happy with the girl they chose for you. In hope you'd be a better person without me... And I thank you for your time... I'm sorry I had to go...
Tears fell as I felt this pinch when they sang this part:
Ku takkan pernah tertawa
Ku takkan pernah bahagia
Ku takkan pernah merasakanmu
Bila kau tak disini
There is no doubt about my love for you. But I'm sorry bi, I am not as strong as you thought I was.. I can't continue being with you knowing your parents hated me.
I am walking away... a step at a time... In hope you'd be happy with the girl they chose for you. In hope you'd be a better person without me... And I thank you for your time... I'm sorry I had to go...
Tears fell as I felt this pinch when they sang this part:
Ku takkan pernah tertawa
Ku takkan pernah bahagia
Ku takkan pernah merasakanmu
Bila kau tak disini
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
When will someone propose?
I'm seriously tired of being attached and yet still alone... In fact more lonely as compared to those times when I was single...
I dunno if there's anyone out there who would even propose.. Perhaps I should be the one who propose... I'm seriously tired... I need a real man, who could take care of me, in good times and in bad times, in good health or in sickness... My life is so incomplete... With so many future weddings to attend, I just felt so left out not having mine planned.. haha...
oh well.. Here's a video to enjoy..
I dunno if there's anyone out there who would even propose.. Perhaps I should be the one who propose... I'm seriously tired... I need a real man, who could take care of me, in good times and in bad times, in good health or in sickness... My life is so incomplete... With so many future weddings to attend, I just felt so left out not having mine planned.. haha...
oh well.. Here's a video to enjoy..
Monday, July 06, 2009
The King's Schedule for the week...
MON - AM (FRT)
TUE - AM (STAND BY NIGHT / PM -CLEANING OF HU B)
WED - PM (FRT)
THU - AM (FRT/MASKING TRNG AT SPD AUDITORIUM)
FRI - PM
SAT - OFF
SUN - OFF
His weekend off will be spent resting I guess... I doubt he'd be making time for me, as usual.. So let's just let it be... His usual routine.. Sat with FAMILY... Sun go TRACK or play SOCCER... Very nicely planned.. Beautiful.. and much appreciated.
The only time he can salvage for me is when he's tired after work... And I MUST settle with that.. even if that means, we would end up silent... Well.. I MUST be UNDERSTANDING, you see... I have to understand his plight.. tired.. well... I understand.. that's why I dun bother saying a thing about anything anymore...
I just rant about in my blog, because this is my only outlet that I can let things go..
TUE - AM (STAND BY NIGHT / PM -CLEANING OF HU B)
WED - PM (FRT)
THU - AM (FRT/MASKING TRNG AT SPD AUDITORIUM)
FRI - PM
SAT - OFF
SUN - OFF
His weekend off will be spent resting I guess... I doubt he'd be making time for me, as usual.. So let's just let it be... His usual routine.. Sat with FAMILY... Sun go TRACK or play SOCCER... Very nicely planned.. Beautiful.. and much appreciated.
The only time he can salvage for me is when he's tired after work... And I MUST settle with that.. even if that means, we would end up silent... Well.. I MUST be UNDERSTANDING, you see... I have to understand his plight.. tired.. well... I understand.. that's why I dun bother saying a thing about anything anymore...
I just rant about in my blog, because this is my only outlet that I can let things go..
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
Please....
Please... I still dun understand... How you could force yourself to a meet up when you're clearly tired in need of sleep... I still could not understand.. How the guys have more authority than me... I'm not comparing.. I'm not complaining... I'm just puzzled...
Everytime... Everytime... I beared with your angry grumpy moments when you're tired and yet "sacrificed" to meet me... And all they did was call.. for you to come... and they still see your smiling face, and managed to talk to you about whatever they wanna talk to you..
And me... I.. I dunno what I have to do... I am at lost.. And I felt like I've lost a thousand battles... Why?
Why was it so hard for me to talk to you? Why was it so hard for me to engage in a proper conversation with you? Even when I just wanna talk about the weather, it just finishes within 2 sentences.. It's just so puzzling.. I dunno why it seemed so hard for us to talk.. Simple things became complicated.. Everything comes with an assumption which is often wrong.. Everytime I tried to talk, you don't seem to be interested to respond... I had to settle with talking to you while you're doing something else... but the boys.. they get to talk to you and have 100% of your attention with immediate response and managed to hold you in a conversation for an hour at least. But me.. I had trouble trying to talk to you for just half an hour. We always seem to end up in silence.. Either me giving up because I dun seem to get anything across to you, or because I dun get any responses that is serious enough, or because I got tired talking about something that you are not interested in..
And sometimes, when we talk, or when I tried talking to you, it ends with a crumpled face on my skin, or it ends with just silence from both of us... And sometimes, when I was so interested and excited to tell you something, you just responded with a "so?" or "and then?" when I expected something more hype than that.. I wanted you to feel excited for me and happy for me.. But I only get something so gloomy like I'm jumping over a new toy..
It seems like we can only talk about others.. All I need was to say one of the boys were in trouble, and you'd have so many questions to ask me.. But when I said I'm in trouble.. or that I've got a new thing popping up in my life.. you'd just go.."oh.. good for you.." or "oh.. what happen? how come like that? I never experience that problem before.." I dun feel the excitement neither do I feel like you wanted to help if you could.. I dun feel like you were concern or wanted to try pull me out of my troubles..
I'm not even asking you to pay up for me.. I just wished you would hug me and kiss away my troubles.. I just wanted you to assure me that everything is going to be okay.. and that you'd always be there for me.. I know I always reply, "you always there.. but you are always busy" only to hear you say "Ya I know it's my fault.." that wasnt what I wanna hear.. I wanted to know if I'm remembered and if you're thinking of me when you're busy.. But I keep hearing "fault..." I dun wanna know who's fault it is.. I just wanna know if you'd still be loving me when it's my fault. I dun really care who's fault it is because I just wanted to know if you'd still be around... But nope.. that message I had played in every argument, but still.. nothing changed..
I kept crying my sorrows, my confusion, my insecurities and my troubles away.. Alone.. with noone to share it with.. with noone to complain my woes to... only because you're busy.. and when there's finally a chance to pour everything out, I just couldn't bring myself to, because it's so over the past already, and I had already gotten over it all.. I tend to forget the bad times whilst you were away because you were next to me then.. I tend to just salvage the little time I had with you to fill with happy memories.. But every happy days with you seemed to welcome all the bad days at once..
Why bi.. Why is it so difficult for us?
You know, I kept hearing back what you said when we argued.. especially the part when you said, "so why do you still wanna be with me when you know from the start that I'm always very busy?" well bi.. I kept silent because the only thing that made me hold on is my feelings for you.. You can perhaps ask the same thing to yourself.. Why are you still here being with me, when you keep complaining that I'm just squeezing your lungs and made it hard for you to breathe? why? Why didn't you just leave me if you find me to be such a difficult biarch? Could you answer this?
I was hoping for something nice when you see my new hairstyle.. But all you could ask was, "when did you have your hair cut?" So subjective.. So formal.. Why couldn't you say something more nicer? I must have looked horrible, I guess.. In your eyes.. I dunno.. You made me think like that... But I put on a smile and looked at it as something positive - you actually noticed my new haircut.. none of the boys did.. I brushed off my negative thoughts..
And when it's time to go off.. I wanted to hug and kiss you but you put a barrier between us.. There's no room for me to hug what more to kiss.. And so we just bid each other goodbye like I'm just a friend.. I tried brush it off by zooming past to just head home..
You know what, I am not good at talking.. Was never good at it.. I always wrote better.. and from what I read, I would talk about it.. The list was meant to be written.. so we could both read it together and talk about it.. but you simply text me.. You never did the list... as I had expected.. No bi.. it is not the same.. it will never be the same.. something written requires more thought, and some reflection.. And it could be kept and used as a reminder.. We could have reflected on it when we were away from each other.. And perhaps that would allow us more things to talk about with each other..
But what's the point now.. I have ran out of energy to tell you anything anymore.. I'll just let it be... and will just let it be...
Everytime... Everytime... I beared with your angry grumpy moments when you're tired and yet "sacrificed" to meet me... And all they did was call.. for you to come... and they still see your smiling face, and managed to talk to you about whatever they wanna talk to you..
And me... I.. I dunno what I have to do... I am at lost.. And I felt like I've lost a thousand battles... Why?
Why was it so hard for me to talk to you? Why was it so hard for me to engage in a proper conversation with you? Even when I just wanna talk about the weather, it just finishes within 2 sentences.. It's just so puzzling.. I dunno why it seemed so hard for us to talk.. Simple things became complicated.. Everything comes with an assumption which is often wrong.. Everytime I tried to talk, you don't seem to be interested to respond... I had to settle with talking to you while you're doing something else... but the boys.. they get to talk to you and have 100% of your attention with immediate response and managed to hold you in a conversation for an hour at least. But me.. I had trouble trying to talk to you for just half an hour. We always seem to end up in silence.. Either me giving up because I dun seem to get anything across to you, or because I dun get any responses that is serious enough, or because I got tired talking about something that you are not interested in..
And sometimes, when we talk, or when I tried talking to you, it ends with a crumpled face on my skin, or it ends with just silence from both of us... And sometimes, when I was so interested and excited to tell you something, you just responded with a "so?" or "and then?" when I expected something more hype than that.. I wanted you to feel excited for me and happy for me.. But I only get something so gloomy like I'm jumping over a new toy..
It seems like we can only talk about others.. All I need was to say one of the boys were in trouble, and you'd have so many questions to ask me.. But when I said I'm in trouble.. or that I've got a new thing popping up in my life.. you'd just go.."oh.. good for you.." or "oh.. what happen? how come like that? I never experience that problem before.." I dun feel the excitement neither do I feel like you wanted to help if you could.. I dun feel like you were concern or wanted to try pull me out of my troubles..
I'm not even asking you to pay up for me.. I just wished you would hug me and kiss away my troubles.. I just wanted you to assure me that everything is going to be okay.. and that you'd always be there for me.. I know I always reply, "you always there.. but you are always busy" only to hear you say "Ya I know it's my fault.." that wasnt what I wanna hear.. I wanted to know if I'm remembered and if you're thinking of me when you're busy.. But I keep hearing "fault..." I dun wanna know who's fault it is.. I just wanna know if you'd still be loving me when it's my fault. I dun really care who's fault it is because I just wanted to know if you'd still be around... But nope.. that message I had played in every argument, but still.. nothing changed..
I kept crying my sorrows, my confusion, my insecurities and my troubles away.. Alone.. with noone to share it with.. with noone to complain my woes to... only because you're busy.. and when there's finally a chance to pour everything out, I just couldn't bring myself to, because it's so over the past already, and I had already gotten over it all.. I tend to forget the bad times whilst you were away because you were next to me then.. I tend to just salvage the little time I had with you to fill with happy memories.. But every happy days with you seemed to welcome all the bad days at once..
Why bi.. Why is it so difficult for us?
You know, I kept hearing back what you said when we argued.. especially the part when you said, "so why do you still wanna be with me when you know from the start that I'm always very busy?" well bi.. I kept silent because the only thing that made me hold on is my feelings for you.. You can perhaps ask the same thing to yourself.. Why are you still here being with me, when you keep complaining that I'm just squeezing your lungs and made it hard for you to breathe? why? Why didn't you just leave me if you find me to be such a difficult biarch? Could you answer this?
I was hoping for something nice when you see my new hairstyle.. But all you could ask was, "when did you have your hair cut?" So subjective.. So formal.. Why couldn't you say something more nicer? I must have looked horrible, I guess.. In your eyes.. I dunno.. You made me think like that... But I put on a smile and looked at it as something positive - you actually noticed my new haircut.. none of the boys did.. I brushed off my negative thoughts..
And when it's time to go off.. I wanted to hug and kiss you but you put a barrier between us.. There's no room for me to hug what more to kiss.. And so we just bid each other goodbye like I'm just a friend.. I tried brush it off by zooming past to just head home..
You know what, I am not good at talking.. Was never good at it.. I always wrote better.. and from what I read, I would talk about it.. The list was meant to be written.. so we could both read it together and talk about it.. but you simply text me.. You never did the list... as I had expected.. No bi.. it is not the same.. it will never be the same.. something written requires more thought, and some reflection.. And it could be kept and used as a reminder.. We could have reflected on it when we were away from each other.. And perhaps that would allow us more things to talk about with each other..
But what's the point now.. I have ran out of energy to tell you anything anymore.. I'll just let it be... and will just let it be...
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
So what do you want now?
A question I rather not answer because I know I can be screaming or put in on an hourly repeat telecast and still not get it the way I wanted it.. Thus I ended up asking, what's the point of me telling everyone what I want, when noone can ever get close to giving me what I want?
There's no point at all, as usual, I had to answer my own question. After not having anyone by my side when I need someone the most, after having to move on without having anyone at all to hear my woes and complains... I broke down. I broke down and slept drowned in my own tears. Alone and lonely.
People asked me to cheer up and just retake.. SO easy it sounded.. I ain't got what it takes to retake, not financially being the main reason. I have got insufficient moral support being the second. Everyone emphasize that I should get my car license, emphasized the importance, but noone bother to make it happen or tried supporting me when I failed, they just put on a shocked face, disappointed face, and then just disperse to move on with their other important things. I was once again alone, facing all the nasty things, fending myself from the brutal critics and what not. Fending my already broken heart to remain strong - alone.
I was in despair. And I dun feel like anyone truly cared. And so we ended up arguing again, hurting again, blaming again, and repeat everything again. Me screaming in distress, he screaming in distress, I cried in despair, he continues screaming in confusion, I continued screaming because I was sick of all these stupid things we do over and over and over again. He claims he wasnt good at talking face to face, I claimed I dislike talking over the phone. He claims he sacrificed and meet me regardless, I claimed I prefered not meeting because in the end this is what happens. He proclaims loudly that he SACRIFICED, and yet I didn't do my speech.. What's the point of me doing a speech to a tired face, body, and soul? I already told him it's ok if he's tired to meet and that we shall meet another day, and he assumed I'd be mad if he didn't meet me.
You think I'd be happy meeting a tired person who expects me to do my speech? I'm not. I rather we not meet for another month then to meet only to hear complains after. I'm not refering to his "I'm so tired.. work all day..." kindda complains. I'm referring to the complains after everything is over, when I am sick and tired of meeting but not getting things done - talking things out. Because he'll be telling me, "I sacrificed my sleep, I was tired and yet I still meet you, got appreciate that?" Well, bi.. I appreciate it that's why I dun bother talking to you about our stupid fights, and treated you nicely with hugs and kisses. Can I say you didn't appreciate me then?
Whilst I bear to hear girlfriends complaining not being able to meet their boyfriends for just a few days, I had to bear not meeting you for weeks. And still, I was not entitled to a day with you, without asking or begging for you to forgo what you could.. Just once a month.. That's what I asked.. You said you're busy.. Everyone else is busy too... I'm not asking for a meet up daily, neither did I ask you to meet me once a week. And whilst we don't meet often, I restrain from calling or texting you too much, can I then say you didn't appreciate me?
I know of some boyfriends who were practically forced with no options to spend 8hours everyday with his girlfriend, and yet not hear a word about him saying she's queen control although he was desperately gasping for air to breathe. I heard of boyfriends who beared with demanding girlfriends, who ordered him to buy her lunches, shoes, clothes and accessories among many other activities like movies every week, dinner at 5star hotels every month, and holiday every other month (everything paid for). And I had only asked you to meet me when you're free, fresh and not tired. To spend quality time that will end with us knowing each other better. To do something that we both enjoyed together- just the two of us- probably take some pictures to proudly post... But you just kept saying you're busy.. and so I waited and waited... Can I then say that you did not appreciate me? Can I?
I had too many hopes, that goes broken time and again.. Because you keep proving to me that we dunno anything about each other, neither are we trying to know each other, and so we kept hurting each other, assuming things that didn't happen..
We both ended up screaming, "DID I OR DID I NOT?" only to hear murmurs that replies, "No". So could you tell me what is wrong? Could you tell heads and tails of this problem we are facing? Could you?
There's no point at all, as usual, I had to answer my own question. After not having anyone by my side when I need someone the most, after having to move on without having anyone at all to hear my woes and complains... I broke down. I broke down and slept drowned in my own tears. Alone and lonely.
People asked me to cheer up and just retake.. SO easy it sounded.. I ain't got what it takes to retake, not financially being the main reason. I have got insufficient moral support being the second. Everyone emphasize that I should get my car license, emphasized the importance, but noone bother to make it happen or tried supporting me when I failed, they just put on a shocked face, disappointed face, and then just disperse to move on with their other important things. I was once again alone, facing all the nasty things, fending myself from the brutal critics and what not. Fending my already broken heart to remain strong - alone.
I was in despair. And I dun feel like anyone truly cared. And so we ended up arguing again, hurting again, blaming again, and repeat everything again. Me screaming in distress, he screaming in distress, I cried in despair, he continues screaming in confusion, I continued screaming because I was sick of all these stupid things we do over and over and over again. He claims he wasnt good at talking face to face, I claimed I dislike talking over the phone. He claims he sacrificed and meet me regardless, I claimed I prefered not meeting because in the end this is what happens. He proclaims loudly that he SACRIFICED, and yet I didn't do my speech.. What's the point of me doing a speech to a tired face, body, and soul? I already told him it's ok if he's tired to meet and that we shall meet another day, and he assumed I'd be mad if he didn't meet me.
You think I'd be happy meeting a tired person who expects me to do my speech? I'm not. I rather we not meet for another month then to meet only to hear complains after. I'm not refering to his "I'm so tired.. work all day..." kindda complains. I'm referring to the complains after everything is over, when I am sick and tired of meeting but not getting things done - talking things out. Because he'll be telling me, "I sacrificed my sleep, I was tired and yet I still meet you, got appreciate that?" Well, bi.. I appreciate it that's why I dun bother talking to you about our stupid fights, and treated you nicely with hugs and kisses. Can I say you didn't appreciate me then?
Whilst I bear to hear girlfriends complaining not being able to meet their boyfriends for just a few days, I had to bear not meeting you for weeks. And still, I was not entitled to a day with you, without asking or begging for you to forgo what you could.. Just once a month.. That's what I asked.. You said you're busy.. Everyone else is busy too... I'm not asking for a meet up daily, neither did I ask you to meet me once a week. And whilst we don't meet often, I restrain from calling or texting you too much, can I then say you didn't appreciate me?
I know of some boyfriends who were practically forced with no options to spend 8hours everyday with his girlfriend, and yet not hear a word about him saying she's queen control although he was desperately gasping for air to breathe. I heard of boyfriends who beared with demanding girlfriends, who ordered him to buy her lunches, shoes, clothes and accessories among many other activities like movies every week, dinner at 5star hotels every month, and holiday every other month (everything paid for). And I had only asked you to meet me when you're free, fresh and not tired. To spend quality time that will end with us knowing each other better. To do something that we both enjoyed together- just the two of us- probably take some pictures to proudly post... But you just kept saying you're busy.. and so I waited and waited... Can I then say that you did not appreciate me? Can I?
I had too many hopes, that goes broken time and again.. Because you keep proving to me that we dunno anything about each other, neither are we trying to know each other, and so we kept hurting each other, assuming things that didn't happen..
We both ended up screaming, "DID I OR DID I NOT?" only to hear murmurs that replies, "No". So could you tell me what is wrong? Could you tell heads and tails of this problem we are facing? Could you?
Saturday, June 27, 2009
It has been a year, Bi...
It's been a year since we first met, Bi...
And I start to wonder how many more years would come for us...
I wonder how the future would be... I wonder if we would still be together, bi...
Do you wonder too?
Or do you not, bi?
Do you hold any dreams of us, bi?
Have you ever have that little hope that we'd be together for eternity, bi?
Or do you just wished this is the sweetest dream that you can have, bi?
It's been a year, bi...
A year full of ups and downs...
Like every lover, I hope we can continue loving till the end...
But like every heart-broken lover, it pains me to hope too much...
Would you come, or would you not...
When you heard me falling...
And when you see me falling...
Would you think of how to catch me...
Or would you simply catch me regardless?
And I start to wonder how many more years would come for us...
I wonder how the future would be... I wonder if we would still be together, bi...
Do you wonder too?
Or do you not, bi?
Do you hold any dreams of us, bi?
Have you ever have that little hope that we'd be together for eternity, bi?
Or do you just wished this is the sweetest dream that you can have, bi?
It's been a year, bi...
A year full of ups and downs...
Like every lover, I hope we can continue loving till the end...
But like every heart-broken lover, it pains me to hope too much...
Would you come, or would you not...
When you heard me falling...
And when you see me falling...
Would you think of how to catch me...
Or would you simply catch me regardless?
Friday, June 26, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
so what?
so what? so what if you cancelled your track? it failed to matter because I had to ask. You didn't do it out of you own initiative or your own desire. You do it because it's a chore to face my nagging, and my crumpled face.
you dun love me as much as I wanted you to. so just forget me.... forget that you ruled my heart. because you're hurting it badly...
everything i do is queen control. for me to ask for your time is queen control. for me to ask you for a day just me and you to talk things out is queen control to you. in fact me calling you became queen control to you. everything i do is queen control to you. so just forget me...
you dun love me sincerely, neither did you feel my love. you feel obligated to love me, and you feel that i'm a burden to you. true you never said such things to me, but i felt it... yes i could feel that grudge.
thank you for the time that you loved me, and sorry for all the hurt that i have caused.
BUT just THIS TIME... and just this ONCE.. I shall accept your apology... Starting 1st July, I shall not bother about anything anymore. And if you give up, or failed as someone who said he loved me, in time to come... I shall just let it be, and won't put in double the effort just because you didnt put in any effort.
And if it caused us much sadness that might lead to a break up, I won't care anymore.. I mean it... and I won't even say or hint to you if you're failing, or if you're falling.. because I have no more energy to catch you, because I know if I were to try and catch you, I'd fall with noone to catch me....
you dun love me as much as I wanted you to. so just forget me.... forget that you ruled my heart. because you're hurting it badly...
everything i do is queen control. for me to ask for your time is queen control. for me to ask you for a day just me and you to talk things out is queen control to you. in fact me calling you became queen control to you. everything i do is queen control to you. so just forget me...
you dun love me sincerely, neither did you feel my love. you feel obligated to love me, and you feel that i'm a burden to you. true you never said such things to me, but i felt it... yes i could feel that grudge.
thank you for the time that you loved me, and sorry for all the hurt that i have caused.
BUT just THIS TIME... and just this ONCE.. I shall accept your apology... Starting 1st July, I shall not bother about anything anymore. And if you give up, or failed as someone who said he loved me, in time to come... I shall just let it be, and won't put in double the effort just because you didnt put in any effort.
And if it caused us much sadness that might lead to a break up, I won't care anymore.. I mean it... and I won't even say or hint to you if you're failing, or if you're falling.. because I have no more energy to catch you, because I know if I were to try and catch you, I'd fall with noone to catch me....
Just when I am looking forward to it...
He texted me saying he'll meet me after track... Damn.. Of course he'll be complaining that he's tired.. and I'm less understanding..
I demanded him to give track a miss just this once.. he replied, no, and promised he wont complain..
What difference does it make? I still know he'll be tired, of which I then know I'll have only half his attention to what I have to say.. And he'll definitely be annoyed with the things that I say of which might have hurt him. So I told him to forget it..
Just just forget it.. If track is just the 1st in the list even when he knows that means he won't be meeting me again for another 2 weeks.. then be it.. I'm not giving in this time..
He knew he hasn't been there for me, and yet he still deliberately refuse to make time for me. So what's the point now? I am not going to strain my brain and think too much. I'm just going to forget my plans and just move on..
I've given you time last weekend to do your stuff... I did not continuously call or text you. And you too had forgotten about me, only searching for me the next day. And now, you just deliberately hurt me again... Is it really too much to ask for your time to dedicate for me just this once? Is it really too much to ask you to simply love me? If it is, then I beg you to just forget me, forget my love, and forget us... Because it has begun to hurt me to much to continue loving you who just dunno how to love me...
I demanded him to give track a miss just this once.. he replied, no, and promised he wont complain..
What difference does it make? I still know he'll be tired, of which I then know I'll have only half his attention to what I have to say.. And he'll definitely be annoyed with the things that I say of which might have hurt him. So I told him to forget it..
Just just forget it.. If track is just the 1st in the list even when he knows that means he won't be meeting me again for another 2 weeks.. then be it.. I'm not giving in this time..
He knew he hasn't been there for me, and yet he still deliberately refuse to make time for me. So what's the point now? I am not going to strain my brain and think too much. I'm just going to forget my plans and just move on..
I've given you time last weekend to do your stuff... I did not continuously call or text you. And you too had forgotten about me, only searching for me the next day. And now, you just deliberately hurt me again... Is it really too much to ask for your time to dedicate for me just this once? Is it really too much to ask you to simply love me? If it is, then I beg you to just forget me, forget my love, and forget us... Because it has begun to hurt me to much to continue loving you who just dunno how to love me...
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