Please....

Please... I still dun understand... How you could force yourself to a meet up when you're clearly tired in need of sleep... I still could not understand.. How the guys have more authority than me... I'm not comparing.. I'm not complaining... I'm just puzzled...

Everytime... Everytime... I beared with your angry grumpy moments when you're tired and yet "sacrificed" to meet me... And all they did was call.. for you to come... and they still see your smiling face, and managed to talk to you about whatever they wanna talk to you..

And me... I.. I dunno what I have to do... I am at lost.. And I felt like I've lost a thousand battles... Why?

Why was it so hard for me to talk to you? Why was it so hard for me to engage in a proper conversation with you? Even when I just wanna talk about the weather, it just finishes within 2 sentences.. It's just so puzzling.. I dunno why it seemed so hard for us to talk.. Simple things became complicated.. Everything comes with an assumption which is often wrong.. Everytime I tried to talk, you don't seem to be interested to respond... I had to settle with talking to you while you're doing something else... but the boys.. they get to talk to you and have 100% of your attention with immediate response and managed to hold you in a conversation for an hour at least. But me.. I had trouble trying to talk to you for just half an hour. We always seem to end up in silence.. Either me giving up because I dun seem to get anything across to you, or because I dun get any responses that is serious enough, or because I got tired talking about something that you are not interested in..

And sometimes, when we talk, or when I tried talking to you, it ends with a crumpled face on my skin, or it ends with just silence from both of us... And sometimes, when I was so interested and excited to tell you something, you just responded with a "so?" or "and then?" when I expected something more hype than that.. I wanted you to feel excited for me and happy for me.. But I only get something so gloomy like I'm jumping over a new toy..

It seems like we can only talk about others.. All I need was to say one of the boys were in trouble, and you'd have so many questions to ask me.. But when I said I'm in trouble.. or that I've got a new thing popping up in my life.. you'd just go.."oh.. good for you.." or "oh.. what happen? how come like that? I never experience that problem before.." I dun feel the excitement neither do I feel like you wanted to help if you could.. I dun feel like you were concern or wanted to try pull me out of my troubles..

I'm not even asking you to pay up for me.. I just wished you would hug me and kiss away my troubles.. I just wanted you to assure me that everything is going to be okay.. and that you'd always be there for me.. I know I always reply, "you always there.. but you are always busy" only to hear you say "Ya I know it's my fault.." that wasnt what I wanna hear.. I wanted to know if I'm remembered and if you're thinking of me when you're busy.. But I keep hearing "fault..." I dun wanna know who's fault it is.. I just wanna know if you'd still be loving me when it's my fault. I dun really care who's fault it is because I just wanted to know if you'd still be around... But nope.. that message I had played in every argument, but still.. nothing changed..

I kept crying my sorrows, my confusion, my insecurities and my troubles away.. Alone.. with noone to share it with.. with noone to complain my woes to... only because you're busy.. and when there's finally a chance to pour everything out, I just couldn't bring myself to, because it's so over the past already, and I had already gotten over it all.. I tend to forget the bad times whilst you were away because you were next to me then.. I tend to just salvage the little time I had with you to fill with happy memories.. But every happy days with you seemed to welcome all the bad days at once..

Why bi.. Why is it so difficult for us?

You know, I kept hearing back what you said when we argued.. especially the part when you said, "so why do you still wanna be with me when you know from the start that I'm always very busy?" well bi.. I kept silent because the only thing that made me hold on is my feelings for you.. You can perhaps ask the same thing to yourself.. Why are you still here being with me, when you keep complaining that I'm just squeezing your lungs and made it hard for you to breathe? why? Why didn't you just leave me if you find me to be such a difficult biarch? Could you answer this?

I was hoping for something nice when you see my new hairstyle.. But all you could ask was, "when did you have your hair cut?" So subjective.. So formal.. Why couldn't you say something more nicer? I must have looked horrible, I guess.. In your eyes.. I dunno.. You made me think like that... But I put on a smile and looked at it as something positive - you actually noticed my new haircut.. none of the boys did.. I brushed off my negative thoughts..

And when it's time to go off.. I wanted to hug and kiss you but you put a barrier between us.. There's no room for me to hug what more to kiss.. And so we just bid each other goodbye like I'm just a friend.. I tried brush it off by zooming past to just head home..

You know what, I am not good at talking.. Was never good at it.. I always wrote better.. and from what I read, I would talk about it.. The list was meant to be written.. so we could both read it together and talk about it.. but you simply text me.. You never did the list... as I had expected.. No bi.. it is not the same.. it will never be the same.. something written requires more thought, and some reflection.. And it could be kept and used as a reminder.. We could have reflected on it when we were away from each other.. And perhaps that would allow us more things to talk about with each other..

But what's the point now.. I have ran out of energy to tell you anything anymore.. I'll just let it be... and will just let it be...