When the past is buried.....

Reminiscing on my past.. I realized I've been through quite a lot.. I never expect myself to be this strong, to continue moving on despite the many obstacle that I have to go through.

Never expected myself to hold a degree... Never expected myself to be retrenched, and finding it hard to find a job after 7months. Never thought I'd be a nanny... Never thought, I'd be married at 17, and to be divorcee on my 20th birthday. Never thought I'd have white boyfriends. Never thought I'd go live through to be the sole breadwinner in the family.

Never thought I'd think of being a housewife, settling down.. I had always thought I'd be one of those career driven mom.. But now, right now... I wanted so much to settle down and be a nanny for life.

I dunno why I've been thinking of settling down a lot these days... I guess I just wanna be happy. But it seems, all my life.. My happiness was never everlasting.... Do I not deserve to be happy? Or are these just so I could tell and appreciate every happiness that I have?

I dunno what I'll do if all fails... I dunno if I can carry on without anyone to call mine, i dunno if I can continue to be strong and continue breathing with nothing to my name...

All I want, is my prince to take my hand to his castle, provide enough food, to make me smile, to kiss me when dawn breaks, to hug me when the night is cold, to make love, to allow me to bear his children, to have the children to shower us love, as we grow old together... To look in each others eyes, and be grateful that we met, and made it through thus far...

Will the prince come? Is the prince with me right now? Will he rescue me and be with me till the last breath? Will I see what a happy family would look like?

Whilst everyone seemed to fail, I find myself afraid, afraid to lose a battle once again.... What if it's me who's just not there yet... What if it's me who's not right? What if it's me who fail? What would I do? What would the prince do? Would he continue saving me? Or would he, too, run away to be with someone more perfect?

These what ifs, are making me nausea... And I feel so afraid, so alone... So confused... So in need... So miserable... Why?