So what do you want now?

A question I rather not answer because I know I can be screaming or put in on an hourly repeat telecast and still not get it the way I wanted it.. Thus I ended up asking, what's the point of me telling everyone what I want, when noone can ever get close to giving me what I want?

There's no point at all, as usual, I had to answer my own question. After not having anyone by my side when I need someone the most, after having to move on without having anyone at all to hear my woes and complains... I broke down. I broke down and slept drowned in my own tears. Alone and lonely.

People asked me to cheer up and just retake.. SO easy it sounded.. I ain't got what it takes to retake, not financially being the main reason. I have got insufficient moral support being the second. Everyone emphasize that I should get my car license, emphasized the importance, but noone bother to make it happen or tried supporting me when I failed, they just put on a shocked face, disappointed face, and then just disperse to move on with their other important things. I was once again alone, facing all the nasty things, fending myself from the brutal critics and what not. Fending my already broken heart to remain strong - alone.

I was in despair. And I dun feel like anyone truly cared. And so we ended up arguing again, hurting again, blaming again, and repeat everything again. Me screaming in distress, he screaming in distress, I cried in despair, he continues screaming in confusion, I continued screaming because I was sick of all these stupid things we do over and over and over again. He claims he wasnt good at talking face to face, I claimed I dislike talking over the phone. He claims he sacrificed and meet me regardless, I claimed I prefered not meeting because in the end this is what happens. He proclaims loudly that he SACRIFICED, and yet I didn't do my speech.. What's the point of me doing a speech to a tired face, body, and soul? I already told him it's ok if he's tired to meet and that we shall meet another day, and he assumed I'd be mad if he didn't meet me.

You think I'd be happy meeting a tired person who expects me to do my speech? I'm not. I rather we not meet for another month then to meet only to hear complains after. I'm not refering to his "I'm so tired.. work all day..." kindda complains. I'm referring to the complains after everything is over, when I am sick and tired of meeting but not getting things done - talking things out. Because he'll be telling me, "I sacrificed my sleep, I was tired and yet I still meet you, got appreciate that?" Well, bi.. I appreciate it that's why I dun bother talking to you about our stupid fights, and treated you nicely with hugs and kisses. Can I say you didn't appreciate me then?

Whilst I bear to hear girlfriends complaining not being able to meet their boyfriends for just a few days, I had to bear not meeting you for weeks. And still, I was not entitled to a day with you, without asking or begging for you to forgo what you could.. Just once a month.. That's what I asked.. You said you're busy.. Everyone else is busy too... I'm not asking for a meet up daily, neither did I ask you to meet me once a week. And whilst we don't meet often, I restrain from calling or texting you too much, can I then say you didn't appreciate me?

I know of some boyfriends who were practically forced with no options to spend 8hours everyday with his girlfriend, and yet not hear a word about him saying she's queen control although he was desperately gasping for air to breathe. I heard of boyfriends who beared with demanding girlfriends, who ordered him to buy her lunches, shoes, clothes and accessories among many other activities like movies every week, dinner at 5star hotels every month, and holiday every other month (everything paid for). And I had only asked you to meet me when you're free, fresh and not tired. To spend quality time that will end with us knowing each other better. To do something that we both enjoyed together- just the two of us- probably take some pictures to proudly post... But you just kept saying you're busy.. and so I waited and waited... Can I then say that you did not appreciate me? Can I?

I had too many hopes, that goes broken time and again.. Because you keep proving to me that we dunno anything about each other, neither are we trying to know each other, and so we kept hurting each other, assuming things that didn't happen..

We both ended up screaming, "DID I OR DID I NOT?" only to hear murmurs that replies, "No". So could you tell me what is wrong? Could you tell heads and tails of this problem we are facing? Could you?