It's not hatred.. I just had enough...

Mr Nice Guy texted me again a few hours ago.. I hated his reactions. He seemed to become or perhaps he is already like that (without me realising). He seemed to be one of those kinds that "it's ok if i do it, but noone else can do that back to me" kindda person. In short - BIG EGO.. Too huge for my liking.

I had to defend myself from his hurtful words and all whenever someone else throws a tantrums, with threats of him leaving me, or that I could never tutor ah-girl anymore, or that he dun want to ever hear from me again. And all I had reacted was a mere, "ok, whatever it is, i'll always be here whether you like it or not because i care" & what did i get in return? I mean yes honestly I said I was sincere and I wasn't looking for anything in return.. But HEY.. I am HUMAN.

And when I decide to put it all to a stop and have my ALONE time. He decides that I was just trying to show people how big my head can be? Ridiculous.. I mean seriously.. Enough is enough... I had given him so many - in fact too many chances. And he took all of it for granted. And one request of me wanting my alone time became just a hassle for him to handle - so much so that he had to hurt me unnecessarily.

And the fact that he couldn't even tell that it wasn't even me replying those texts. I know I would blow it off, break down, looked stupid and suffer alone if I were to reply. So I let my phone off to someone I trust to do the replying. I didn't even checked the sent messages. And I even requested that all messages be deleted because I can't bear to see or read.

Just one or two messages that was shown that totally broke my heart. Then I knew, he was never really meant for me. He threatened to beat me up. Why? Had he cared genuinely, he won't say such things. And had he cared enough, he would have just allowed me my alone time instead of accusing me of having a good time and what not.

He had a wife, and a girlfriend. I was merely an outsider. And I said nothing. But when I was having my ALONE time to clear my thoughts, I was accused of having someone new & having a good time. What's the meaning of all these?

I told my friend to sink the ship for I couldn't hold any longer. As said before, my patience has its limits, my strength has its peak, I am only human to be hurt & to have had enough.

I guess he thought Ilham was a real man.. Little did he know, Ilham is just my imaginary thoughts that had lifted me up and pushed me to stay alive..

Ilham was my loyal friend then, and he still is, in my mind, in my thoughts. And I had to thank my friend, who had sinked the ship in her ways. I dun wish to know. But I know, I should not regret.

If it's meant to be, it shall be.. If it's not... It will never be..

I believe in fate, and I have faith. I just wanna be alone.. With or without Ilham, I wanna be alone.. I dun need anymore Mr Nice Guy, retired King, or anyone for that matter. I dun need another guy to come crushing my broken heart again, and over again.

I need my Ilham... And just my Ilham... to company me and finish this little story that I've been writing. And I just hope people around me would forgive me for all the things/troubles that I've put them through unknowingly.

My financial woes got worse.. But there's nothing I can do.. Ilham's been trying to motivate me & tell me all will be okay.. But something opposing Ilham is weakening him somehow.. But I knew Ilham would be stronger. Then again, I know how that feels..

Just because we are stronger, ppl kept pushing us to be stronger, forgetting that we are only human, and that we have our weaknesses too. And soon, they took us for granted. They forget their thank you, please, and how much we needed motivation to keep the fire going...

I just hope Mr Nice Guy will get things through his thick skull, that not everything will go his way, and that he should stick to his words, and make a choice. He can't be having everything or enjoying the best of both or rather three worlds. He needs to make a choice, and the choices sometimes if not all the time, requires sacrifice. And for as long as he refuses to let go and make the sacrifice, he will never acquire pure happiness.

And for once, stop trying to prove others of your power. The world doesn't evolve around you. And kill that ego.. You're not always right, and obviously, with your attitude trying to over do everyone else just shows that you're not good at managing your own strength and weaknesses and you're not a good team mate to have. You always wanna win, you never admit your losses. And it seems to me you like to drama without executing your moves.

Don't expect others to do what you couldn't. You couldn't even execute your loyalty, and with you throwing hurtful words, you expected me to be 100% loyal and unchanged. I am human, Mr Nice Guy. I'm no angel. Get that into your thick skull..

I dun hate you, but I definitely hate your attitude and character. You're no longer the guy I used to know, dun expect me to be the girl you used to know. And I changed not because of you. So dun expect me to be the old lady you used to know, because that lady you used to know, would have gone up to wherever you are and made a scene, or go into the forum and make a big fuss.

In fact, you start to use others to make people involved feel guilty. You were the one who said it's over and that the tutoring was off, and with a snap of a finger, you changed your mind. You never think before saying anything, do you? And you expect people to manage how they say things when still feeling provoked?

Mr Nice Guy, I hope this would be something for you to think about. Think, and re-think. Reflect & tell yourself, what happened, why and how to make do with it.. As much as I wanted to be here to continually help you, I came to realize that the more I helped you, the more you didn't seem to learn.