My life with love

It's strange how my life has evolved around the man I loved so much. Unknowingly, I had became too dependant on Mr J. I woke up today, a little lost not knowing what to do for the day. It seemed like the day would take forever to get by. I never wanted to get off the bed to start the day, I wished I didn't need to.

It wasn't until I realised that Mr J had e-mailed me -I get this texts to inform me of incoming mails from senders in my mailing list- that I finally push myself off the bed. It is proven that my life evolves around him and I'm getting afraid. I wouldn't want to depend too much on him, I want to stand on my own two feet without having anyone to do any decisions for me. I want to be able to think on my own and to choose the path for myself to walk, and start making decisions with confidence. I have to learn to boost up my confidence and earn what I deserve. I tried many a times to shrug it off my shoulder saying it's not true; that I depend on NOBODY.

It's hard to be lonely and to be alone after being around with someone every single day who made your day and showered you with every love he had to spare. I tried to convince myself that I won't depend on him by telling some of my friends that I'm getting bored with being attached, but that is so not true. I admit it now, the truth is that I just can't get enough and I wanted so much more deep down. I felt guilty wanting him utterly to myself so I tried to cut down the time together, which most of the time, I'd regret or cancelled my initial plans and followed my heart to meet him up just for another moment more.

I kept telling myself that I should be strong and not turn into the old bad habits I had bid goodbye about 5 months ago. I was so tempted to get some fags and smoke my stress, loneliness and problems away, but I know I won't bring myself to do it. I just can't.. Not only would I dissapoint Mr, I would also dissapoint myself and would just make myself even more depressed if I ever give that one fag a puff.

I tried to avoid being with him all the time a few weeks ago, planning lunch with my friends instead of with him, trying to not cling on him too much, tried not to ask help from him, but I ended up trying to hide some things that I've been delaying and putting aside, so I have an hour extra to spend with him. My love for him never stop growing, not even a second that my love for him stood still. It kept growing, my love for him is just intense. I found myself refusing to let him go, I find myself lost in a maze when he's not around. I don't wanna lose my soul in search for his. I don't wanna lose him in search for my own self either. I let this happen to me unknowingly... by becoming so dependant on him bit by bit by the day.

Never felt like this for a man before. Maybe because this is my first open and honest relationship in my life with a man who truly loves me. I never thought my feelings would grow to be this strong for him. I began to believe that we are truly meant to meet, know, love and be together to go through the thick and thin of this life.

For this handsome Mr is the man who believes in my dreams becoming true, who I can speak to of anything in the world under the sun, who I can rely on in times of need, who I can truly be myself with, who I can admire all day and the one and only whom I would shower with all the love I have. For this handsome knight who had came to save me from the nightmare that haunts me, who had given me great advices, who had given me moral support, encouragement and motivation to move on, who had made myself more that what she used to be and the one who had loved me for who I am. I love you dear Sir, and I'm miss you so much...