Lonely..

I suddenly feel so lonely, like everyone has left me to find the light in this complete darkness of all craziness. I am lost, and I've always been lost these past few days. Something brighten it up, and then throw it down the sky and left myself in mid-air, with the upmost shock and the shortest span of time to be prepared to lose it all, broken into many pieces beyond repair.

I've been really stressed out these past few days, I can feel my brains flexing its muscle, all ready to blow my skull open. I can feel all fires in my blood trying to get the most oxygen to stay burning and burn my skin to ash. I can feel my windpipe tighten to refuse all the air to gain entry to my screaming lungs. I dunno what is happening to me.

I hate being unknown. I hate being the Miss Nice. I yearn to be the Miss Nasty sometimes. The demotivation is growing rapidly, the rebellious side is beginning to reveal itself bit by bit. I am hungry, hungry for some action, for some yelling, for some staring, for some blows to land on me and for something very nice all together.

I met Sharmie today, the usual talks of everything under the sun, often than not leading to some topic of our lives. And I can't stop going on and on about Z. Even Sharmie went like, "Yeah, go on, what about Z...?"

I sometimes wonder if he do the same, but sometimes, I doubt he has much to say about me.. I mean what is so special about me? Nothing any other gal doesn't have. So I'm just another bitch, trying to get things going the perfect way, but just couldn't help but to be the stupid selfish bitch that any gal would always end up being.

I sometimes hate myself too much. So much, that I think everyone hates me just the same, or even more. It's torturing, but I can't help it sometimes. I love him, yet I can't express myself. I wanted him so near, but can't help myself being so far away. I yearn for him, for his love, for his touch, for his everything.. He gave, but it never seemed to be enough. Maybe, I'm asking for too much. I shouldn't expect too much, he might get sick of me.. Maybe he already is.. Then again, maybe not. I dunno..

I need him, I know. I love him, I really do. I miss him, yes I am. Why couldn't I love myself just as much? Ahhh.. Women... Am woman, and it's so hard to understand myself..