Can't sleep so I write

I have just finished writing my resignation letter. It's available when I am ready to.. I got the job from the recent tender. But i'm sure there're some things that needs to be raised as usual.. Sure there are disputes, and sure they'll blame me as usual.

I have been thinking and been thinking a lot. It makes me stressed, it made me lose my appetite, made me wanna scream, make me wanna throw tantrums, made me wanna leave, made me wanna stay. I am just so confused.

I know that staying is a better option than to just leave, yet I also do know that I'd be happier to leave than to stay. I want to make myself popular, I want to sell my book. I found a publisher once, but he never did respond to me. I need a break to do this nice, and leaving seemed like a good idea and opportunity to do it all. Yet it would leave me insecurity.

I have people encouraging me to leave, I have people encouraging me to stay, I have poeple being neutral as well. And all have the same number.. So I'm stuck yet again in the same place. I know I had to decide fast, yet I know it requires a lot of energy, homework and courage to make all necessary preparation and it takes a lot more to make the actual decision.

I have been ranting about work a lot, I know. I dunno why, but my conscience tell me that I need to leave this company and start afresh. It seemed to be telling me like something bad is going to happen if I don't react fast enough. I am afraid, very afraid. Of the future ahead, of the insecurities in my life, about everything that I'm going to go through.

I know that my worrying will go down the drain one day, and yet I can't help myself but to worry even more. I know that my patience will bring me nowhere one day, yet I can't help but to keep mum of all that matter to me. I know that none of these helps me in my decision making, yet I put it into consideration and make it even harder to decide. WHY? I ask myself but more questions greeted me, making me even more confused.

Now it made matter worse, for I can't sleep.. Ah.. so wide awake, trying to answer all the questions that has no answer....