Weekend update

Yesterday was rather boring to be honest. Took what I have in the office, and left for home. Then I slept for a few hours. It was so boring I forgot what I did the whole of Saturday. So horrible.

So, before I forgot what I did today, I better type it all out. Okay... I woke up late today.. Had an okayish sleep. Not very grand, but just enough. Then watched TV all day with Mas. Then we all took an afternoon nap together, Mas, Mom and me. Slept in random slots. Dad was awake reading the Al'Quran all day. We had the TV on but couldn't hear most of it.

Suppose to go out but I got lazy and had no mood to do so. I ended up cooking dinner for my parents. I might meet Z tomorrow. I am meeting Sharmie for sure. Had to... Hadn't met up with her for quiet some time. Haha.. Missed her, ya know..

Tomorrow gonna be another boring day. Honestly, I will definitely be. I will try not to take in any fags tomorrow. See if I can make it.. I can surely, but we'll see. Ah... My birthday is 3 days away. But my b'day is so packed! Need to go to so many places! Spend time with all the peeps I love...

Ah.. Oh, Have I told about my problems sleeping at night? Yeah.. I am having problems sleeping at night. I will be tired but fresh till 3am, on good days, I'd get about 1.5 hours of sleep, before I get up feeling fresh once again. On bad days, I'd be tossing and turning and ended up awake the whole night till about 5.30am. Then have a few hours sleep. Then get up and not sleep till the next morning about 3am on good days. This has been going on for about a week. I hate the tired feeling.

Alright now. I gotta dash. Till I find myself again. Adios.

Wahaha... The childish side of me..

Apologies

Apologies for the long silence from any updates. Haven't been feeling like myself lately.. I dunno why. Seemed like I've lost my talkative side. Been a little grumpy and out of mood.. Tomorrow's my last day at PQ Builders. Hope everything works out well somehow.

Anyways, nothing much happen except my fun being out for touch training last Wed. Z picked me up too.. SO sweet. haha.. I got a full body mud wrap.. haha..

Ok for now. I can't think of anything else to type. Till I find myself again. Adios!

I feel like...

I feel like shouting, I feel like crying, I feel like I'm all alone. Once again, these breakdowns are coming back to me! I feel like running, yet I have no energy to do so. My brains are in a mess, my heart is throbbing hard, I dunno what I am going through, I dunno what I want, I dunno what I have, I dunno what to look for. I am confused. I know something is missing, yet not know what is missing.

I need to go out and go running with no stop. I am driving myself insane! I need someone to talk to, to let everything out, and just walked right out. Yet I can't bring myself to do that for I can't bring myself to break anyone's heart or hurt anyone's feelings. I need to be heard, yet I can't find my voice. I need to let go, yet I am still holding on too tightly. Those cramps are coming back, haunting me of someone's death, haunting me of my past mistakes, haunting me with people cursing me.

I want to just set myself free from everything, yet I can't bring myself to deserve that little thing I ought to have. It hurts. I can't please everyone, and noone can please me enough.

Here and now, I'll leave not knowing my destination, not knowing which path to take, not acknowledging the risk I'm taking. Leave me alone, to mend my heart of broken pieces.

Extra Sensitive...

Yeah, I got extra sensitive just because I am hungry and sleepy. So sensitive that I almost cried thrice today. Once at work, I almost cried over being too frustrated with that rotten apple. Then second was during my driving lesson, the instructor was scolding me endlessly and heartlessly. Third was a bit childish, well, I thought someone would be extra careful, being me, expecting ppl to know me without me saying a word. But I got some remarks, that at norm I won't care a bit, but it hurts today.. I dunno why.. I'm that sensitive today. The words I keep chanting to stop that crybaby was "Bitches don't cry, I'm no baby! I'm a bitch, Bitches don't cry.." Yea.. I can't believe I had to say that to hold back my tears.

So I went home straight after my driving lesson and grab my food and eat away, and yeah... I am back to my normal self now. Z was a little stressed and on an edgy side over a sensitive issue that need not be raised. I didn't help with my moods today, I felt horribly bad not even trying to make it a little easier.

Oh I got called up for an interview tomorrow as a Structural Engineer with ShipTech Pte Ltd at Paya Lebar. Good position, good pay, but so far away. But heck, if I'm paid what I deserve, who cares? I'm on my way to getting my own vehicle of transport anyway.

I've to do some research on this company and brush up on my interviewing skills again. In the meantime, do enjoy some pictures I took with my VS2 today and some back dated ones.


Z stressed and thinking


Us...


SMILEYS


Huh?


On the bus, STARE


Doodles


Cheese!

Okay this one is not by my VS2, this one is copied from the bucks website..


Find me


Bucks RFC

Sunday

A Sunday, not much of a norm. Woke up and did my Cornflakes Honey. All day, took a break by teaching, came back and did more, then off I go with Z, helping his sister to shift her things. Saw his mom... Funny, and nothing formal there, but it's weird.

Anyways, I didn't cook.. ;p Hehe.. But I did cook them rice and help on the cleaning up and tidying things up. I still miss him.. It's really strange, I get to be with him almost all day, and still miss him. Anyways, it's a great day. Was happy, and still am smiling. Dunno if I'll get to see him tomorrow, he have a lot of household chores to do tomorrow.

But he said he'll watch me train on Wednesday night. That sounds cool. It might be uncomfortable for him, I would say. Since I'll most likely be the only girl there and have so much fun. And having guys running after me, and touching me.. It might drive him a little crazy.. Haha..

Argh.. this is driving me nuts. I missed him so much already! I'm crazily in love once again!!! Argh!!!! What is wrong with me?! Ah.. Work.. Work.. I need to do the progress claims this week.. Argh.. Stress!!!! I'm resigning yet still worry about work.. I'm utterly mad..

So much for an update..

My worth

I am worth $1,565,338 on HumanForSale.com

I found this on another blogfriend, so I just decide to find out my worth. Not bad, eh? $1.5 million. But nah... I won't even think of selling myself. Anyways, today was full of laughs, yeah.. my laugh and smiles are back in me! Hehehe..

Met Z after work, break fast... And catch up on things that went by without each other the past three days.. Glad he had fun... Not meeting him tomorrow, I am fully booked by Mama to help out in the kitchen making pineapple tarts with my sisters and totties... It's gonna be fun! The whole family filling up the whole kitchen, making pineapple tarts with roles assigned.. I'll most probably be multi-tasking as usual, totties gonna do the simple stuffs or just give them some dough to play with. The adults gonna do the adult thing else gossip as we do them, or recall old times.

Then Sunday I'm gonna teach, after which I'll go over to his place to help out of the shifting, but my main role is to do some cleaning up and cooking.. Must brush up my cooking skills already.. Speaking of which, I need to blend the spices... But mama's coming back soon, don't want her to come asking what it's for, and then nag me about helping other people but not helping her.. It's so hard to please everyone.. But even if I do cook, she's gonna half the time correcting me and end up cooking herself. So, what's the point?

I know that's no excuse enough, but I don't like it when people order me to do things and then correcting all the things I do and make my efforts useless. It's for my own good, but still.. Sigh..

I miss Z already. He's so super tired, can see it in his eyes.. But it's a lovely few hours nonetheless. I'm on leave tomorrow, so gonna have a long long sleep in tomorrow morning. I intend to not wake up till the sun is right above my rooftop. It has been a really long time the last I did that. And I'm looking forward to it!

Ok now, I've got nothing to do, I better go do something wise before mama comes home, ie change my clothes.. Hehe...

Talents

Haha.. Just the sudden outburst of poetry entry at my other blog. I dunno why, I just have the sudden huge urge to keep writing and never stop, and I just wrote one in Malay after so long of hiatus from Malay writing. Looks like my talent in writing is going to stay.

However, writing Malay poetry always brings about the sentimental touch of the inner soul, often feature sadness, loneliness, most of which I dun understand. No matter how happy I am, I always potray the other adverse. Funny how my mind works. Guess my emotions are not on good terms with my mind. Haha.. I mean, I am happy with someone now, yet in my entries of poetries keep potraying my loneliness and sadness within. Often, people asked if I'm doing okay after reading them.

I just hope my talents get published sometime next year, and hope my talents and inspirations doesn't run out. If any publisher who happen to have a read of my poetries, or this entry, please do not hesitate to approach me in any form. I'm all ready to do what it takes.

My stomach is doing its tantrums now. Gotta dash!

Aching Body

My whole body is aching... This is what I get from 2 months of inactivity and suddenly use up all my energy to swerve, slide, run and speed in one night. My thighs scream as I walked, my whole back complained the whole day, my arms whined as I type. My mind just keeps dozing off to another dimension of myself.

I felt like staying suddenly, but I want to leave just the same. It's strange what these dozing off to another dimension can do to my thinking. It makes me see some things that I never want to see. I like it sometimes, but hate it most times.

I am going downstairs later to do my work, plus take some fags. I can feel the sore throat coming.. I hate that sign.

Till later, Adios!

Bucks still Rocks!!!

Haha, finally after 2 months of inactivity, I went for touch rugby training!! It was fun fun fun, I need about half hour to get back my touches and skills in the game. And guess what? I scored TWICE!!! YIPPPEEEE!!!!

First try was tap and go.. And in a split second I was eyeing the gap between Gavin and another guy, and I just missed Gavin by an inch and the next second, I was at the try line scoring!! Haha.. The second one, was also the inch away escape from Gavin. HAha.. It was so fun, especially after the rain, where I get to play in the mud and cover myself with them, and not be alone.. Haha.. It was great being in Bucks!

I walked out the field with my bloody knees, and my blistered ankle from my turf shoes.. (can't believe that shoes still give me blisters..) Got a lift to Jelita from Richard. I made it home by 9.30pm.

Now, at home... resting my aching body, my bruises and mind with a big smile. Ah.. I am so in love with Bucks.. And... I'm missing Z... He's at Kota Tinggi for a 3D2N camp with a group of 15 year olds from Whitley Sec.

15 minutes with my Director

Yes, finally spoke to my Director about my decision about leaving PQ Builders. Raised the dozens of issues that concerns my decisions. A sad and hard decision to make, but I'm left with no options.

It's not exactly the pay, the job scope or the stress that I've been through, but the environment and the lack of motivation to even come to office. He asked me to let out everything that needs to be raised. I can't believe I had tears stuck in my eyes many times as I state out the real reasons.

Strange thing is, they know exactly what is happening and why new people often end up leaving. Yet they are still being indecisive of what to do about it. He tried to counter-offer me with a new position, but I sadly refused. I will still be unreluctant to work, I mean what is there for me to do or change when no one wants or even tries to change? In a small company like PQ, I really don't expect any such political issues to surface, I would expect the familiness and the warm welcome and happiness in working. I did feel it when I first came, but it no longer exists. It just simply fade away.

The problem needs some resolving, yet there is nothing the management could do to help things get better as the two person involved in the political issues are both valuable and almost the pillars to keep going. My big boss is stepping down very soon, and they have great plans for me. Yet I have to disappoint me over this political issues that I hate so much. How I wish, they did something just so no other person end up being in my position who would just end up leaving yet again.

So sad, but what to do? So now, I've officially resigned and my last day would be on 31st October 2005. I hope something come up fast, I have a few temporary jobs waiting while I wait for LTA to respond. I can only try and pray hard. My head is getting lighter at the note I left today at PQ. If I had wanted a new position, I would have gladly accepted his counter-offer, but that's not what I want. I wanted to be someone big, but I don't see myself getting anywhere there with such people working around me. Competing over things that is of no issue. Ridiculous, plus those bad words passing around about certain people.. It's just too much.

So now I've rest my case.

Resign

I have just left my resignation letter on my director's table. I can't believe I just did that. I really can't.. I am going to be jobless.. Life sux.

Lonely..

I suddenly feel so lonely, like everyone has left me to find the light in this complete darkness of all craziness. I am lost, and I've always been lost these past few days. Something brighten it up, and then throw it down the sky and left myself in mid-air, with the upmost shock and the shortest span of time to be prepared to lose it all, broken into many pieces beyond repair.

I've been really stressed out these past few days, I can feel my brains flexing its muscle, all ready to blow my skull open. I can feel all fires in my blood trying to get the most oxygen to stay burning and burn my skin to ash. I can feel my windpipe tighten to refuse all the air to gain entry to my screaming lungs. I dunno what is happening to me.

I hate being unknown. I hate being the Miss Nice. I yearn to be the Miss Nasty sometimes. The demotivation is growing rapidly, the rebellious side is beginning to reveal itself bit by bit. I am hungry, hungry for some action, for some yelling, for some staring, for some blows to land on me and for something very nice all together.

I met Sharmie today, the usual talks of everything under the sun, often than not leading to some topic of our lives. And I can't stop going on and on about Z. Even Sharmie went like, "Yeah, go on, what about Z...?"

I sometimes wonder if he do the same, but sometimes, I doubt he has much to say about me.. I mean what is so special about me? Nothing any other gal doesn't have. So I'm just another bitch, trying to get things going the perfect way, but just couldn't help but to be the stupid selfish bitch that any gal would always end up being.

I sometimes hate myself too much. So much, that I think everyone hates me just the same, or even more. It's torturing, but I can't help it sometimes. I love him, yet I can't express myself. I wanted him so near, but can't help myself being so far away. I yearn for him, for his love, for his touch, for his everything.. He gave, but it never seemed to be enough. Maybe, I'm asking for too much. I shouldn't expect too much, he might get sick of me.. Maybe he already is.. Then again, maybe not. I dunno..

I need him, I know. I love him, I really do. I miss him, yes I am. Why couldn't I love myself just as much? Ahhh.. Women... Am woman, and it's so hard to understand myself..

It's not OK

We are too nice. Too nice to everyone, every human, every animal. We are just too nice.

We found a kitten, called SPCA and they wanted to put it to sleep. How could they? And so you volunteered to keep it alive, and what did we get? Nothing at all. Just more work, more efforts, more commitments, more nagging, more scolding, these are what we get for giving love, showing love, and pitying love.

We are so nice, we forgot ourselves, we became so evolved around thoughts that shouldn't exists, we forgot our purpose, we forgot our priorities. How it happened? These is what we get for being nice... How nice....?

I have been the most sensitive person lately, every small things seemed so huge, I wanted to cry for the slightest things. Often, in silence so noone knows. I cry in silence and just keep mum of its existence.

Deep down I'm afraid, on the outside I seemed collected and calm. Deep down, I'm in a complete chaos, on the outside I seemed to be in control. Deep down, I'm lost, on the outside I know where to go.

I want to let go of all responsibilities, I want to give up, I want to end my day by lying down flat on my back, with my eyes fixed on the sky above. I want to be someone, yet I am nobody.

One good thing, the publisher I told about once, came back. He has approached a few other publishers with printers, not a very positive response from one, and a slight interested response from another. So hopefully things work out there. I have always wanted this to happen, to have my poetries published. No concrete decision yet, but it's happening.. It's in the process.

I'll be praying real hard to get everything worked out. I texted him a couple of times, no response. I called him, it rung. SO not battery flat bullshit. Maybe he's still sleeping. I dunno. He didn't reply yesterday's good night wishes either.

Maybe I'm just a sick paranoid girl. I shall just stop worrying, and be the once happy-go-lucky girl. I should just stop, close my eyes, be a different person, next week, I shall close my eyes once more and change to another person, and then close my eyes once more, and leave.. And to never look back, ever again.

All I want is...

I am not in my best health, neither am I in my best moods. It was okay at the beginning, I was doing things just fine..

I texted him. I was so looking forward to seeing him later. But all he could convey is to ask me to rest at home. I was ashamed to say that I cried. I cried because of this small matter. It's strange that I've grown this weak.

All I want is to see him and be with him, and all he did is to ask me to rest at home. It's for the good, yet here I am so heartbroken crying for nothing at all.

Yes, I'm crying here at home.. I probably would die in my sleep with tears still flowing. My head is spinning, my heart broken and bleeding, my mind at a whirlpool, my soul at lost... All I want is a hug that can make me feel better.. Where's that hug? Where's that kiss that can heal all pain?

I am awake

I am awake with no purpose. I refuse to work. I refuse to budge, yet here I am so awake. WHY is it so hard for me to decide my next step?

My head spinned from the lack of sleep, my mind is blank from all the thoughts, my body is aching from the problems there are on my table, my brains cracked and bled to its optimum, I am dead.

I am alive, yet so dead. I am awake yet I'm sleeping. I am saving lives, yet I am killing all the same. WHAT is happening?

I am sick. So sick.

Can't sleep so I write

I have just finished writing my resignation letter. It's available when I am ready to.. I got the job from the recent tender. But i'm sure there're some things that needs to be raised as usual.. Sure there are disputes, and sure they'll blame me as usual.

I have been thinking and been thinking a lot. It makes me stressed, it made me lose my appetite, made me wanna scream, make me wanna throw tantrums, made me wanna leave, made me wanna stay. I am just so confused.

I know that staying is a better option than to just leave, yet I also do know that I'd be happier to leave than to stay. I want to make myself popular, I want to sell my book. I found a publisher once, but he never did respond to me. I need a break to do this nice, and leaving seemed like a good idea and opportunity to do it all. Yet it would leave me insecurity.

I have people encouraging me to leave, I have people encouraging me to stay, I have poeple being neutral as well. And all have the same number.. So I'm stuck yet again in the same place. I know I had to decide fast, yet I know it requires a lot of energy, homework and courage to make all necessary preparation and it takes a lot more to make the actual decision.

I have been ranting about work a lot, I know. I dunno why, but my conscience tell me that I need to leave this company and start afresh. It seemed to be telling me like something bad is going to happen if I don't react fast enough. I am afraid, very afraid. Of the future ahead, of the insecurities in my life, about everything that I'm going to go through.

I know that my worrying will go down the drain one day, and yet I can't help myself but to worry even more. I know that my patience will bring me nowhere one day, yet I can't help but to keep mum of all that matter to me. I know that none of these helps me in my decision making, yet I put it into consideration and make it even harder to decide. WHY? I ask myself but more questions greeted me, making me even more confused.

Now it made matter worse, for I can't sleep.. Ah.. so wide awake, trying to answer all the questions that has no answer....

Dear Diary Part II

All I wanted to do was to spend as much time I possibly could with Z. But we ended up meeting his friend and his friend bring about another friend and another friend came along. That friend of a friend's friend ended up giving us a 2 hrs lecture of some business scheme. As expected it is Amway. I as usual, gave them what they wanted, the interested face and the anticipation they all want to achieve. I felt so used, I wanted to like cuddle him and see the stars and hug the night away, and all these people could do is try to convince us on something that none of us can or have interest in doing them.

It had totally spoilt our mood, and it's such a waste. I really felt like grabbing him and run away from these people but I had to give these friends some face. They are afterall his friends. Now, it feels like I never did meet him today, it feels like I never get to do anything with him today. How sad and pathetic can it get? Why is it like this?

All I want to do is to be with him and spent quality time together! For goodness sake, please... PLEASE LEAVE US ALONE. We want to be ALONE. JUST US.. Too much to ask? AAaaarrrgggghhhHHHHh!!!! Z!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I miss you!!!!!!!!!

So much my heart starts to bleed. I need you.. I feel like crying now. SO stressed at work, and no time to spend with him. Never enough time to do just that. I want to cry!!!! It's so sad. Life is sad, real sad.

Dear Diary....

I went to office like a good girl would go to school today. I never left my office till time calls for lunch, even so, I didn't have any lunch for I went for my driving lesson. Right after my lesson I straigh went back to my office just like any good girl would.

I went back and do my own things, do what I need to do, with all that needs to be put in.. But I never finish it like any good girl would. I left my hard work on my director's table. Awaiting for his approval and agreement before I pen everything down like a good girl.

And so I didn't accomplish my mission of being a good girl today. Well, I guess I need more guidance and discipline in doing just that perfectly, then again.. No one's perfect like the good old perfect girl. I left the office late today, I left at about six. Being the good old friend, I met up with her. We had our good old girl talks. We were talking about how much those 4 years spent in Poly means to us. It was something so predicted, so fated.. We met and we became friends, I am whole heartedly saying that we became best of friends. We went through all those hurdles together, constantly helping each other covering each other's back, we were together as a team, doing everything we could to the benefits of us. And we reap all the benefits, with a smile we greeted it, with all our heart we accepted what we deserved. A piece of paper you may say, but we say with a smile and open heart, "That's our 4 years of hardwork" Good 4 years it has been, no matter what shit there were before, it was all good..

We learnt a lot from those 4 years, about relationships, about friendships, and all the other ships that had sunk and yet stayed afloat and survived. We stayed strong and we are still here, braving the storms. We went through what others may not in their entire life, but we did now and we were glad we did, for it made us the way we are today. The smile says it all.. And with it comes all the pride from our special friendship that we've made. You may be lost, for only I and her can understand this language we made out of the ordinary so special.

Anyways, it seemed like I haven't seen Z since eons, but I realised it is just today that I haven't seen him and that I was with him the whole of yesterday. Strange but it seems like all the time in the world don't seem to be enough. Yeah, I admit with all my pride, that I miss him.

But despite all this happy thoughts, I can't seemed to fly like Peter Pan.. I wasn't happy enough. I am so sick at work, I am just so tired of trying so hard, yet left unappreciated. I can't stop them from complaining, I can't stop them saying that I haven't done all I could. I can't stop but to think of an escape route. I can't stop thinking of ways to get out and be free once more, yet I can't help but to stay for I still can't gather enough courage and I still can't afford the things I want with the things I need most. It's sad to admit that I'm still as weak as a baby can get. I am helpless, with no strength, with no motivation, with nothing but failure..

On the phone with Z now. Feels good just talking to him.

Movie Updates

Hey hey.. Z's back from Kota Tinggi.. Yeah.. Got nagged, with love... Lots of love, care and concern.. It was my fault and I could have done better than to get drunk on Saturday.. . But that's history, and no history is to be repeated.. So no more drunken nights, but hello to good times ahead.. Didn't get to meet him yesterday... So today was really great time spent together.

I brought him along to do my surveying at Tampines and Eunos, well.... He had a good time experimenting with the walking measure. It was simply great time together and there's so much more to come in future. Then he went for a haircut, not that it's a major difference but I think the new haircut on him now suits him more and brings out the better part of him so far better.

I could see his soul asking for sleep and his body asking for the much needed rest. I mean what do ya expect, he just got home last night from camping.. He must be god damn tired, but for me, he woke up early, for me he travel so far.. Awwww... Ain't he so sweet... Man, am I in love or am i in love with Z? So I suggested movie, I knew Dukes of Hazards on pretty later in the evening.

We went to JP and bought two tickets for 1920 slot. We have like 4 hrs, so we headed up to his sister's place to rest and watch some VCDs or some sort. His niece A is at home, we watched Juon 2, and Peter Pan... Man, that boy is gorgeous. Anyways, Z fell asleep after awhile. I just lay down next to him but couldn't get to sleep.. Just when I was about to get to lala land, it was time for us to head to JP for the movie.

So, we went over.. Get to our seats, and settle down... Sadly, there were two fat boys who were not only fat, but noisy too.. darn way too noisy! Then the ads went on.. I like that little chicken ad, it was so cute.. The way he shake his body.. Funny and cute chicken it was, but nerdy too.. Haha..

So yeah, Dukes of Hazards is a must watch.. It's something like Herbie meets Dude where's my car! Yeah, it was god damn right funny, it has racing in it, it has a real Sexy Hot babe in it.. What else can you possibly get? It was great!

With the cowboy style and accent, with the guns and cars, with the hot babes, cute and funny dukes... man, it was almost a movie cut out just for me.. Z can't help but to let his jaw open whenever Daisy Duke, played by JESSICA SIMPSON, rip open her clothes and let her tiny sexy bikini free for show. Even I go wow, can't blame him so..

The story narates the adventures of “good old boy” cousins, Bo Duke, played by SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT, and Luke Duke, played by JOHNNY KNOXVILE, who with the help of their eye-catching cousin Daisy Duke, played by JESSICA SIMPSON, and moonshine running Uncle Jesse, played by WILLIE NELSON, try and save the family farm from being destroyed by Hazzard County’s corrupt commissioner Boss Hogg, played by BURT REYNOLDS.

Their efforts constantly find the “Duke Boys” eluding authorities in “The General Lee,” their famed 1969 orange Dodge Charger that keeps them one step ahead of the dimwitted antics of the small southern town’s Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrane, played by M.C. GAINEY.

Man, I truly love Seann William Scott.. He's just so funny, his face is just made up for humour. It was really funny just seeing his face. Oh, if anyone is up watching the show, do stay up for their bloopers, it was such a humour!

Movies over, so we went off... Sat down, and well, another reminder just so I don't repeat my mistakes... I felt more and more assured of Z's love.. Not that I doubt him, I never did.. I just got more and more assured as the time passes...

Man, I miss Z already.. Argh.. CUT!!!! WHy are you so mushy, Jun?!! Why?! STOP.. But, I can't help it, I really do want him now... Oh well, I have to face it... I can't always have him by my side... He needs his privacy, his space, besides, he has other priorities... Like building a career... I love you, Z. I really do..

Memory Lost

I can't remember my journey home, I can't recall opening my front door, I can't get the picture of me slumping on bed naked. Yeah.. I woke up with only my towel wrapping my body in my room. Checked my phone, it is 3am.

What happened? Ermmm.. I went for the Bucks End-Season BBQ. I remember sitting and seeing everything turning to a turmoil. I remember someone asking me if I want to go home. I said ya... I want to go home. And I remember that taxi..

My clothes are in the washing machine, with a mix of vomit and mud.. Ermm.. MUD? Where did that mud come from? Maybe I fell onto the ground.. Man.. I can't remember anything!!!! Then I want to upload my pics into the comp, my camera's USB is nowhere to be seen. I know i dump it into my bag, and now gone.. I guess it fell out without me realising again.... Well, at least I still have my phone- the most expensive thing I have at the moment - and that I'm safe and alright now.

The time I checked my phone, I saw missed calls and sms.. I checked and it was Z. He called me.. Waaaa... I seriously dunno what I did.. Sorry Z... I promise not to do that again.. Also a sms from one of the touch guys, asking if I'm ok... Ermmmm.... Die la.. I dunno what I did, where I go, how I got home... I'm so freaking pissed...

I want to be in Z's arms again... I want to sleep like a baby and never wake up again... I am so so pissed dead... and rotting..

Welcome my new sidekick, VS2...

Bought on the 3rd, Collected on the 4th.

Close up. Nice colour, I like..  

It's charging, getting ready for a new day..  

VS2 and Me..  

Finally in my hands... 

So sad, so lonely...

I just created one poem because of my lost IC.. It's so sad, why isn't there any kind nice soul out there no more? Why couldn't they just return my IC, take the money, all you want, have the pouch as long as you like it, but please, please return my IC.. For all those who found any kind of wallet, take everything, but please return the IC.. Not that I am encouraging.. But IC is an important tool especially in Singapore.. Can't you at least imagine? What if you got into an accident, got unconcious, and no one could find any identity on you... Can't you least imagine, what if you lost your mind and forgot who you are? Can't you imagine what your family would go through if they don't know of the accident and thought you were gone? It's traumatic!!! So please be a kind soul and return all ICs that does not belong to you. Just hand it over to the police. Please...

Another sad, well it's not really bad sad, it's sort of a good sad.. Z went to Kota Tinggi today... Left at about 6pm, will be back on Sunday about 6pm- for the instructor course. It was cancelled at first but he's already waiting at the meeting place, then he saw another group and they suggest him to tag along and meet Abbe there itself. So he tagged along. I hope it's worth going and not a waste of time. Anyway, I should be able to see him after my teaching.. Arghh... Teaching... I dun want to teach le.. SO tired.. But.. until this month only. And that means money coming in, that means, I can save my ass from being broke.. Hehe.. Yeay.. One problem solved minorly..

Ahh..That will mean I have to only survive with my salary for the months November and December.. But how to? I'm so used to having the extras from teaching money.. I guess the only way out is to drastically reduce my expences. I need to buckle up for my birthday party as well, I better keep that straight in my mind. Buckle up, Girl.. You ought to buckle up, then enjoy later..

Why am I so careless???

It's so irritating! Yes, I am irritated over my own carelessness!!! It's so stupid!!

How can I lose my wallet?? How? Arghh...!!!! Why my butt so itchy to have pushed me to go under the block yesterday? If I hadn't, I won't lose my wallet!!! Argh.. My mind keep cursing myself.. And hoped that the finder of my wallet to return it back to me.. Through whatever means, give it to the police, whatever.. I need my IC..

Haiz.. I guess there's no point brooding over lost items.. But how can I lose my wallet??!! Stupid me, careless me.. Why?!

Was chatting with an old friend, and she goes on about planning my money way ahead, and everything.. It helps, but it made me feel stupider over the lost of my wallet.. Why couldn't I let go of that carelessness as I grow? Why is my carelessness stuck with me throughout all my journey?

Oh, Z made my wish come true. He appeared just when I texted him and say I wish he was here.. And a few minutes of waiting, he comes by with his yellow mate and sit next to me, hugging my worries away, kissing my pain away.. I need that hug more now..

And the love songs going on and on.. on the radio.. It made me need him so much more. I dun understand.. I'm becoming so dependent on him. So needy, so clingy.. why? This is really different, this feeling I have, it's stranger than ever, it felt so alien, so new... My head is heavy once again, my eyes wanna close to see him again, but he is everywhere even with my eyes wide open..

Arrgghhh.. I'm becoming so mushy!!! NOooooo...

My performance review...

Finally, the meeting is here... after like postponing in thrice...

It was really ordinary.. A bit motivated but not entirely. They complained about my punctuality and the lack of urgency and initiative. Heck all thanks to the lack of motivation!

Anyway, I state all my concerns that need to be raised. Felt a little better but not entirely. They extended my probation period till end of year. What a lamer.

I hoped and prayed for LTA to come back to me with a concrete offer. Pray for me too...

I know that communication problems and difficult people exists everywhere.. But I think it's more worth being in a big company subsidised by the government. There's more benefits and more prospect in every sense of the word.

Tell me what ya all think. Dunno why, I almost cried during the meeting.. It kindda hurts that they know yet not do anything. I dunno why I'm being the same old temperamental emotional baby once again. I hate her.. I want the other girl who's forgiving and not take things that did not matter too seriously. I want her back.. Why am I returning to my old self again?

I hate being the old me.. Or maybe it's just that part-of-the-month thingy. Argh.. Doesn't matter anymore. I just hope and pray for a better day to come. Another tender came, due in two weeks. Better get my head down and do it willingly and promptly like how I used to.

I have to be good for the next month at least. I miss Z, not meeting him till he comes back on Monday.. how sad... how lonely.. But I have something to look forward to... I am going to the BBQ - end of season social event - at Andy's place with all the boys. And I'll do my invites to all of them whilst I'm there with them.

I hope everythings goes smoothly. Don't need anything to crop up at the last minute. Was thinking of doing another bike practical, but I think I better wait till my body recovers fully.

At times when I need the tender loving care from someone, there's always noone there.. Sad, but hey, there's always tomorrow, isn't there?

And oh.. I lost my wallet... with money and my identity card in it. I hope it's just being misplaced somewhere in my room and not really lose it.. I need the money!!

This is all for now. Till later~

First bike practical

It's so embarassing, thank god I'm a girl.. Haha.. I dropped the bike once while trying to put the bike on main stand. Then another time as I pushed the bike. I think I dropped it again while I put the bike down from main stand.. Darn embarassing, but like I said, thank god I'm a girl.

Then tested the biting point, did real fine in that.. Then clutch in close trottle, then tested the brake thingy.. All fine, advanced one guy in that.. I hit the circuit after some time, still advancing that one guy. Haha.. He kept ramming the trottle.. Like as if it's stylo..

Then in the circuit, the instructor made me panic and i dropped the bike again, argh.. accident, fell with the bike, so I injured all my right side. My shoulders, my elbow, my hips, my shin, and has worsen my swollen ankle, but action no pain and carried on.. Haha.. :p

Then went to the doctor to get MC. Kindda sick of work. Z was like shaking his head when I told him about the accident.. Haha.. So paise, but that's what truth always does. It's a great experience though.

My body hadn't fully recovered from the bowling experience and now it has worsen, aching all over add that to all the bruises.. Haha.. But people say, if it's not the case, it's not me.. I guess I'm too rough and sadist. Couldn't stay happy without injuring myself. Haha..

I had my you-know-what of the month, so was not chatty.. and wanted to sleep all day long. Z wasn't in his best mood, he got fined again for the visor.. Poor thing.. Wish I could help, but I'm broke myself.

My car practical on coming Friday. Another set of bills to pay up, a few hundreds more to bid goodbye. Why is everything evolving around pieces of papers that mean nothing? Why? Such a torture it is.. Why couldn't they spare some stuff for goodwill instead of those pieces of papers with digits on it and some famous face?

I guess that's what life on Earth is about.. So lame, so digital.. i so agree with Tingie's latest post on her blog. It's all about numbers now, everything involves or relates to numbers. Life is becoming so boring when it is like that. Why can't we just do what we want without much hassle as to count and to ensure there's enough numbers to accomodate? Why?

I miss Z already, 3 days to our first month mark. All looking good so far. He's going to Kota Tinggi this weekend for the instructors course. Hope he does well in that, as it would mean a career for him and it's something he'd enjoy for sure. Praying real hard for him to make it to the next level of his life.

With lots of love always JMY signing off.. Auf Wiedersehen.

I am so weak over.....

Handphone... My weakness.. My source of brokeness... I just well, I dunno what you call it, but I just closed a deal of $500 for a brand new Panasonic VS2. Original price was $535 incl of GST. Then my current sidekick, Panasonic X400 will be passed down to Z.

Goodbye $500... Hello Panasonic VS2...

Haha, then met Z to tell him the news of his "new phone". Hehe... The expression on his face.. It's priceless- the mix of shockness, confusion and happiness. That big smile, I dunno how it works but it simply duplicates on my face. Can't stop smiling.

Then, Z brought me and sort of taught me how to bowl.. Played 3 games each. Haha.. My very own Bloopers #01 - Ball fall backwards. Bloopers #02 - Ball fall backwards plus stuck in the alley. Bloopers #03 - Fingers stuck. Haha.. Damn funny.. Was laughing till my whole face cramp.
Then we went to eat at Haz. I talked a lot today, in a very chatty mood. Haha.. That's not the most important event/news!

Then Abbe called and asked for Z. Haha.. Someone's interested in employing Z.. Yeay.. So happy so happy so happy.... Never felt so happy for someone else this much before.. Ah, I'm so happy, so happy.. Yeay..

Thank you, God. I will be good, for at least this whole month. InsyaAllah.. =D

Enjoy the pictures..

Not much update, even if there is, it's probably more work frustrations..

SO please do enjoy the pictures that my dearest Z took of me and more of me..

Love,
Me...

Happy, smiling and thinking... 

More of me and my side kick... :)) 

Z said this is my serious look.. Is it really? Hmmm... 

Shall I laugh? Shall I not? 

My face again with my popular side kick.. 

My phone with my pretty face. :) 

My last bite which take awhile, but it's yummy nonetheless. 

Always clean yourself after eating.. Good etiquette. 

Power stare to some kid.. Hehe 

See that? Ate Fat John, ate Beef in Cheese and drank 2 glasses of Iced Milo.. Worth it! 

>:p