Guilty

Assalammu'alaikum. Warning: Content may be too serious for some. I was charged guilty. I guess I have lost some trust given to me. In no doubt, my confessions and my actions will be questioned of its truth. Me and my mouth... I have no one by myself to blame. Stupidity. Immaturity. I hate myself more than ever. Why can't I just do it right just this once? Why do I keep doing mistakes over and over again? I wish myself dead at times like this. I am always wasting my life unnecessarily. I wanna start afresh, but every time I tried, or get close, I'd just screw up. I dunno why I just couldn't seem to accept myself. I couldn't even forgive myself. What a loser, as some may have said.. Perhaps... Laugh a sinister laugh... Laugh as loud as you like. I have had worse. At least, we both come to terms with it. We still sat down to talk about it. Well he did most of the talking. As always, the guilty ones are always quiet. He is by far, the only one who did not raise his voice, roughen his touch, point fingers at me, instead he raised many examples to make me understand his talk. I may have appeared not listening and paying attention. He emphasized his disliking, but did not force me. I knew then, he can handle me in many many ways. I felt more guilty. I dunno how many times I must seek forgiveness, because the more I say I am sorry, the more guilty I feel. Maybe because I knew I never forgave myself. If I couldn't bring myself to forgive myself, then how can someone else forgive me? I wondered. Besides, what is forgiven may not be forgotten. I am afraid. And so much of prepping myself for the long talk. I couldn't even bring up a single subject properly. So much about confessing, you might said. But I know I have failed whether or not I confessed, in that sense, I rather confess and be told off. I promised myself this would be a one-off situation, and told myself never to do it again way before I even decide to confess my sins. I know others tend to doubt. Besides, if I can do it now, I can always do it again without confessing. I know if he reads, he would doubt even more. I know now that he is in many ways like me, I rather be told the truth. And I guess I should start treating him like how I treat myself. There are no doubt differences in many ways as well, but the differences is what got me attracted in many ways. I dunno his entire past, and I am not sure if he does mine entirely. I dunno how much my past would mean to him, and I am not exactly sure what his past would mean to me. After all, what was past was past. The only thing that we can make do is the present and the near future. These, to me, if we want to start, then we should start doing it together now. But before we go further, considering the rightful way, Mothers should know first. I am not focusing on introduction, I am more concerned about Mother's openness to accept the status I am holding. If Mother could not come to terms with the status, then it all depends on us, i suppose. Whatever it is, everything should begin and start at the earliest stage possible. It definitely would help in the long run. It may sound like we are in a rush, but we both know it is not going to happen anytime soon. There are a lot to consider, and obviously a lot of preparation on the mentality and even more so financially. I knew from the start that I am dreaming too much. And this is one of my wake-up calls. Like always, it is either a yes or a no. I am willing to go all out once I get Mother's approval and blessings. There a lot that I want to raise. Details I guess will come to light when the opportunity arise. As always, things written are better typed. Assalammu'alaikum.