Juggling one too many...

Got my new Aplha 10 tires for $300... Installed my 2 way alarm for $30... But K said they had cut some wires wrongly and didnt do a proper job... Oh well...

On a lighter note, my despatch job has been fun... Travelling to places I've never been to... Planning my routes... Calling and meeting strangers.... The people are friendly.. I should be earning at least 50bucks next week as I didnt fulfil the minimum 4 sessions per week..

My AGV Flip Up gonna be sold soon... Then I'll have a reason to shop for a new full face since my free AGV got scratched and visor got cracked because I hit KI with it when he tried to hold me back when i refused to stay and talk to him.

I intend to buy a new full set of fairing screws to keep as spare when any of my screw flew off... I have got a fairing bush as spare... I've been trying to collect many of my small little parts to keep as spare just in case.. Feel like investing and get a new fairing too... Maybe race fairing.. Ahackz...

New paintwork should be on its way next year.... Hee... Havent really come up with what sort of paintwork I wanted.. but I should be able to find a suitable one by end of next year...

That's about it for now, I guess...

It's hard to say goodbye to 2008, but I just can't wait to say Hello to 2009..

See ya'll next year~

Shopping Addiction Satisfied #2

I bought a new phone... Weee... Am back to Samsung.... I bought a Samsung F480.. My first touch screen phone and I am totally addicted to it... Bought enhancements as well... Hope it works on me... Hahaha...

Next in line.. I dunno.. New set of tires for my baby... And maybe a 2 way alarm to safe guard my baby...

And of course, my well-deserved trip... Dunno how much I'll be spending.. Haha...

Hate hate hate

Lately, I've been criticizing myself... A little too much at times that I start to really hate myself.. I dunno why these sudden changes in the way I look at myself... Suddenly I just hate everything that I see in the mirror....

I hate my hair, I hate my unsymmetrical eyes, I hate my humps, I hate everything I see.. I dunno why.. And of late, I've been criticizing all my doings... I hate the way I wear my clothes, I hate the way I ride, I hate the way I do things, I hate the way I treat people, I hate the way I let people use me, I hate the way I lie and get others in trouble, I hate trying to advice people because I was practically talking about myself when advising people, I hate the way I smoke, I hate coming to work late, I hate waking up late, I hate having sleepless nights, I hate the bed I sleep on, I just simply hate everything...

Then comes the most hideous part... I start to hate the people around me.... I dunno why... I hate the way they charm people, I hate the way they fall miserably helpless because of others, I hate the way they try to be in the crowd, I hate the way they get so easily misled, I hate the way they laugh, I hate the way they ride, I hate the way they talk... I hate the way they think they're so much better off than me... I hate the way they think the world revolve around them...

What's with me?? Some kind of a hate syndrome or something? Geesh...

Emotions & Love...

Why is it so tough?

As much as I hated him, I still loved him.. I just hope he come to realise how big his head and balls have become... Seriously.. I have came to realise that he's doing it to everyone.. He bruises everyone's ego and yet expect his ego to be stroked..

I just hope it last this time... I'm getting exhausted just trying to keep up... I just hope he stop saying one thing but meant another. Just be honest with me and tell me what you want, for goodness sake. He know I'd happily do what he says, for crying out loud...

Just why have love become such a tough tug of war battle? All I asked for is some public affection. To have him by my side amongst the crowd, to be able to have his hand in mine, to have him walk next to me wherever we go.. to show others we are together and stop ppl from questioning if we are. Everytime there's a meet up, he'll be talking to everyone and approach me last.. That raised brows... Obviously, he didnt realise.. Whenever I ask him to join me and my friends, he refused. That raised brows. Obviously, he only sees it from his little window that I rather be with my friends and not think about how i feel. The fact is, I felt hurt that he didn't wanna be with me when my friends are around.. It almost felt degrading, like my friends are of lower grade, thus he dun wanna mingle with them.. And when we are with our friends, I felt degraded that he spend time talking to them and left me behind in the background, it felt like he enjoyed talking to everyone else but me.. Dun think he ever gave that a thought.

Sometimes, I squirmed at the questions being tossed at me... There're ppl within our group who asked me, "What's the real deal between you two? Just friends, or more? It's so blurry.. So are you his gf?" Well, obviously that wasn't the exact words, but they imply the same definition. What does he think that made me feel? It's almost like it's only me who's trying to be close and show others while he keeps running away.. It made me feel like it's one sided sometimes.. Doubt he realise that too...

I'm not trying to pin point his mistakes, I have my fair share too.. I know I am not perfect, and so I dun expect others to be.. But if he expects me to learn from my mistakes, then I guess it's basic expectations for me to expect him to learn from his mistakes too...

He's just so into the past.. Why can't he just forget, forgive and move forward for better future? Why is there a need to brood into the past? Let me tell you this.. the more you dwell into your past, the less time you have to indulge in the present... And with the little time you have to indulge in the present, what have you got left to invest in the future? Practically nothing... Is it worth to dwell in your past? Is it really worth to keep remembering what others have done you wrong till you forget or fail to realise how much he/she has done for you?

You tell me... I'm listening...

My Shopping Addiction Satisfied..

Not Yet!! Hahaha.. I have been shopping through this month like there's tomorrow.. What I bought: a pair of Puma Frame with Transition Lens, 3 pairs of Levi's jeans (straight cut, ultra skinny, and straight fit), 2in1 sling&pouch.. And the list dun end there. I'm still on a look out for a Samsung Phone (either Innov8 or Pixon M8800), Puma/Converse/ Levi's Shoes, Tank Pad, Fairing Screw set, work shirts (probably from G2000), Zinc Sling Bag... Oh my.. I wish I could just buy a whole shop of everything I want..

I intend to sell a few of my old collections to make room for the new ones.. Probably would set a sellers account in Ebay and post pictures of my sales in my multiply.. I need to rid, earn some $$ and buy more stuff.. Urghz.. So much of not shopping for 3months.. And now look at me.. Geesh~

Gotta run now. Daa~

When the past bugs us...

When the past starts to bugs in, the present seemed to be put on hold, and the future seemed non-existent. It seems like the past will never stop haunting us... And sometimes, someone else's past gets into you... I kept giving others a chance, but will I get mine? Or will others just jugde me and take my nobility to their advantage?

I start to really wonder if anyone else bother to change or if they just point the blame on others just so they can securely bury their past and not learn from them... Hmmmm, I think I'm guilty of that too.. I'm trying to dig into my past and see what's wrong with me, but all I could find were the faults of others that made me such... Then again, it's true when someone said, it takes two to tango, and two hands to clap... But the influence from other human can be so strong sometimes that it starts rubbing on to you and made you someone you're not...

It happens.. And it takes a great friend to tell you and a great strong person in you to realise how true it is... I'm lucky to have my greatest friends around me to tell me some of the most painful truth... And it takes a lot of courage with pride at stake to accept my mistakes and swallow back what I've spit. It was rather a sensitive issue... And it sure will take me a long time to push things away and get what I had wanted all this while. But what do I want, really?

I haven't been in my best performance at work lately, I wasn't a tiny bit motivated to go to work.. I got so irritated and so frustrated at work far more easily and all I could think of while working is to go home and just sleep away...

I start to think of other options in terms of career... I needed something out of the box... Something that is not forever desk bound. I need a job scope that requires me to get out and do something exciting... But what's exciting has its risks... And heavier responsibilities... And lots of discipline... So, I dunno what would fit into my fantasy job...

Sometimes, I wish I could easily tell if a man is right for me from his forehead... Oh well...

To my charming prince, whoever you are... I'm tired of figuring you and am tired of waiting and to let time tell... It seems like there's no prince at all... So I shall just forget about the whole idea of waiting for my charming prince to come rescue me.... Maybe Shrek would... I dun mind his donkey too...

Unwanted Changes...

Changes in life...

I wish I could go back and rewind the time to 6months ago... Perhaps things would be much better... I have done so much sins, and have changed too much for my own liking..

I regret everything I did... I wish I could return to how things were 6months ago... I admit 90% of the time, was caused by me myself... I could have minimized it.. Now that things were done..

I guess I only have time on my side.. To work on things, to return to how I was... And hopefully have him back to how he was... I missed those good old times.. Where we could just talked with no secrets between us.. And to speak what comes to mind..

I wish I could just have the power to erase everything that has happened in the last 5months...

I just have to work on things harder now... I have to... I guess I'll spend my night in deep thoughts... I wanna meet my babe as well... I might find some answers through her...

I really think it was my ego, and my pride that took too much of myself off the track... I am beginning to hate myself now and missed the old me who was just far off from what I am now.. I close my eyes, and I keep seeing the old me waiting to be found... And I saw the me I am now blocking my soul from finding her whom my soul has lost...

I know not how to explain myself for I have yet to understand what is going on with me... Why have things become so complicated? Why have i became so succumb to all this things that has happened, why have i let myself fall apart? Why haven't I learnt from my past mistakes?

I saw my prince, but I failed him... Will I win his heart back in time? Or will it be too late?

6days and $710 later...

30th October.. my bike's engine stopped short as I was on the way home along AYE from Tuas, right after the Benoi Flyover at 1 am... Called my superhero, came by... Checked.. my bad for not having enough tools under my seat... Yeah.. time to shop...

As I couldnt start my engine, or find my neutral gear... He went about pushing start my bike.. 2 tries later... Neutral gear was found and I could start the bike, but further checks confirmed that it was piston jammed. I pushed my bike to Caltex.. well I pushed mid way, and he took over after parking his car at Caltex...

Soon other aprilia riders came by.. wawan, ragnaphobia, afiq & quikslvr.. one by one tested, and confirmed piston jammed.. Soon shamie came by and join us... And my hero was tired and was about to work in less than 5hours later.. I allowed him to head home and asked ragnaphobia to gimme a lift.

We head down to Jurong Hill and spend the rest of the morning before work there staring at the everchanging clouds in the sky.. Fahmy and Rusydi came and join us with their pillions.. 5hours later, we head down to Al-Azhar for breakfast... And then I asked Rusydi for a lift home. The pillions have taken a cab home.. Haha..

I head for a shower and change into a new set of clothes and head to work.. It was a headache squeezing into the crowd in the bus....

I had a tiff with the shop for not covering my bike under warranty as promised. Got it to my mechanic after being in the shop premises for 2 days...

5 days of public transport is so sick.. My birthday was okay-ish...

I just hope Baby Blast can stay strong after this... I am feeling so moody lately... I miss him whom I know 6months ago..

Ladies weekend

Ahacks.. Have been out with the ladies more this weekend.. Maybe coz we understand each other better, and get to have those girl talks...

Oh... let's start with the morning eh...

I woke up late this morning, second sis came over with her kids. I woke up, did my laundry... then mom spoke to me, after 2 days of not talking to me due to my new look... Then after I was done with the laundry and ironing my parents bits.. My parents went to jb, then soon after my second sis left to go home.. Left me alone..

Then i decide to wear my long skirt and tank top, wax up my hair, wore my shades and walk to the shop... I love the stares the crowd is giving me... muahaha.. it kindda freak me out a bit, but i am kindda proud to stand out and be different.

Bought my ciggies and the guy touched his hair, guess was implying onto my hair.. Dunno la... Then i walked back home, there's this group standing and staring at me from one block away up to the lift lobby.. I saw them from the corner of my eyes.. Haha..

Then I laze at home, then my lady friend, Byma aka Mun texted me... After many exchanges of sms, I showered and change my clothes and head down to her place, then she asked me to guide her to woodlands... So I did, had to maintained below 80km/hr.. My coolant went on to 80degrees... Urghz... my baby was like pushing me to go faster... But I didn't wanna lose my friend, later she got lost... I know how it feels like being lost.. haha..

Once reach her friends place... We sat down smoke a few sticks, then her friend came down... Then chat somemore.. He was like praising my baby endlessly... Haha.. Then we head down to civic plaza.. Met Shamie there... The reason why I asked Shamie to meet us there is to guide dearest Mun back safely since they stay near each other...

I became like an instructor guiding Mun to u-turn... Make sure traffic is clear, ask her go first then i follow behind.. Made a car wait for us.. hee.. When I look at Mun to ensure she ok, she looked damn pale.. She really is scared of U-turn sia... Then I make sure they got into BKE.... before shooting off home via BKE, PIE...

Then got home.. Laze somemore... got hungry... nothing to eat... So ate the prawn crackers... Still hungry...

Haiz.. tomorrow cuzzie wanna go ecp, so i asked Shamie along la.. Hoping for a good sunny day tomorrow...

Anyways, I am feeling a bit in a dilemma... I dunno if I should get the watch... Hmm... Will it be worth it? I dunno.. But I know I'm gonna like, or rather love my b'day present la... Hee... Kindda being a thick skin, chose my present then ask for someone to buy for me.. Wonder if anyone's gonna get me the alpinestar ladies jacket... darn nice.. gorgeous price tag too... muahaha...

Would love to have a full racing suit and track boots... Anyone? Hahahaha... Very thick skin sia me..

Hmmm... I'm kindda happy today... Dunno why so happy also... Maybe coz i went out with the ladies, and didnt get lost.. kindda spot on although exit wrongly, the plan b was smooth sailing, I remembered my map clearly.. haha...

Going back time also, pretty easy and spot on... Whatever it is, I think I need a look at my book before i go anywhere to plan my route, I remember it better that way... Follow ppl will tend to end up blur and not notice the road signs...

Haiz... Why can't I go to sleep now... Tired.. but eyes dun wanna close... Geesh.. I kindda miss a hug right now... Oh well.. I'll just hug my bolster...

I really ought to sleep... Oh... Shall I take up part time job? I am like super bored la...

A mohawk alas~

Hootz... Yeah.. Got a mohawk... Like finally....

Pics have been uploaded to my multiply.. Damage done = $10. Wax = $6. Endless stares for being different = Priceless~

Sepang Trip & a whole lot of things happened...

I just returned from my Sepang trip with 5 other guys..

I realised just how stupid I've became.. I regretted not waiting, I regretted not being patient, I regretted being selfish... I regretted giving others hope only so I could have one..

This time, I guess I deserved to be heavily punished. Mr Nice dun deserve me... I knew I still had feelings for him whom I hated but wanted to be with so much... I mean, too much.. I knew I still wanted him as badly as I hated him sometimes.. I realized just how much he has changed thus far... And I just regretted everything that I had done out of fear, insecurity, and uncertainty.. I regretted the fact that I had a short attention span, I wasn't paying attention because I was afraid of hearing things I didn't wanna hear..

After this Sepang Trip, I just knew things won't be the same anymore.. I just knew everything will just go hoo haa.. But I also know that I wanna have more trips up north... And I do wanna hit the tracks..

I wish I could just rewind the time.. I am so full of regrets right now... I dunno how I am going to move on.... I hate to try too hard... I just hate to feel like I'm the only one trying.. I just couldn't wait... Why am I so impatient?

who am I in this big big world?

Sometimes, I wonder who I am, and what my purpose in life is? I've sacrificed a lot in my own definition, but others find that I'm being selfish... The truth is, I sometimes don't realize just how foolish I could get, and how possessive I can be. Sometimes, I just wish I belong to someone just so I could run to him and demand a hug... And be able to say his mine...

Thoughts running wild... So many questions left unanswered.. I just felt like just hugging and just chase away all these uncertainties in life.... I wish I could do just that to chase yours... But I ain't sure if I'd be that strong....

I dunno why i kept saying I dunno.. And i dunno what is it that I dunno... My mind just went blank whenever I had something up here in my brains. And at times I just simply dunno what is it that I was thinking about.

I dunno why I'm feeling like this.. So confused, so lost... So in need to just tell you everything and to know so much about you.... The truth is yet to come, and the truth will be told in time to come if not now later...

Sometimes, I just felt like I just deserve the littlest happiness that I haven't felt in awhile... I dunno if I really deserve more than what I have right now, sometimes... I just wish there'll be someone who really could accept me for who I am, for who I've become, and for who I shall be...

I wish I could give my all and not have the tiniest regret... I wish I could just give my life just so someone else could have a better one...

Why am I feeling like this?

Sometimes, I truly wonder how my emotions can take so much control over my mind... I mean I know I'm not ready for anything more serious than some companionship... You know, the being together but not exactly together kind.. Ya.. But at times, I just wished I have that one person all to just myself and noone else... I just couldnt understand why I do get so worked up whenever I hear an incoming sms on his phone, and to know it's from another girl...

I dunno why I feel so crappy knowing he's just not my bf, and probably just will never be.. And it seems to have hurt me more than I thought... I havent been talking to him lately... I just sat there, quiet.. Letting my thoughts run wild, making me feel so... I dunno... Just as if I'm of a lower class or something...

Why have I found someone so great, but at the same time, simply irritates the hell out of me? Why have I found someone who I want to rid off but want him all the same? Why am I feeling all these? It's not suppose to be so complicated... I made a deal, right? And it is mutually agreed in the most civilised and most adult way... So why these complications?

At times, I thought he's sincere... But at times, I just feel like he's lying through his teeth.. At times, I could trust him more than myself.. But at times, I just felt like I should never trust him at all... I dunno what I should do about this crappy feeling... Seriously.. Is there a cure to this?

Excitement and its Trills...

I'm kindda confused with what I want... But when I wanted something or someone badly... That something would be out of stock, and that someone would not be available...

He who stole my attention, is slowly stealing away my heart... How or how do I avoid myself from falling again? I can't see us going anywhere further no matter how far we have been into this mess... I can't seem to handle it just by the mere imagination of him having another girl... I can't bear to part, neither could I bear to prolong...

I got so emotionally and physically attached... And yet, I'm still as lonely as can be... Noone seemed to able to assure me my worth... And noone seemed to understand me and my needs...

I dunno if it's me and my sensitiveness or if its another series of insecurities phases of my life coming to light again...

I dunno what the future holds no more... My emotions seemed to fail me more than my actions did this time round... My heart yells for a companion, my body seeks physical touch, my mind in need for a challenge and my emotions screams for love... How do I satisfy myself?

Tell me oh young man, can you really handle me?

Updates... after 3 weeks of MIA

Ah.... I am on the roads now... Yeah....

Got myself a first hand bike, an Aprilia RS125 05 model for $12,600 in total... Insurance, road tax and what not inclusive....

21st August, rode my bike home, got into a small accident... 3 days consecutively dropped my bike stationarily or some sort.. and on the final day of the first week, on 28th August, I got into another accident... 2 days MC later, and $500 spent of spare parts and repairs... Nothing but enjoying my ride....

She is named Baby Blast... Gorgeously stunning, stubborn at times, and brave just like me.... Going against the odds, and still looking good on the roads, with scratches and all....

I'm still learning the routes to get to places, I get lost many times, but never could give up... I enjoyed riding my baby for every single ride gave me some kind of achievement. Learning from mistakes, pointers, advices, and not to mention, lots of scolding and nagging so I could learn and remember not to do the same mistakes again...

Life is such eh.... Currently financially stranded... Still have got some bills to pay off... But I love myself, my bike and my life more than ever now... Because I know, I've became someone better despite the odds....

I've lost a great companion... oh, make that two... but I'm getting closer to another... unconsiously falling again, i guess... Parents seemed to like and trust him... But I have my doubts sometimes.. I am nobody to him, and he is supposingly nothing to me.. but we both treated each other more than just a friend... I dunno where lies the void... And where lies the closure anymore... It's just a blurry line between us..

Been addicted to SBF and organizing outings after another... I went back to BBDC today, and received many raised eyebrows and exchanged many awkward smiles... I'm going for a defensive riding course this saturday.. I dunno what I'll learn... But do hope it's worth every cent..

Ah... money money money... when will i stop complaining about money?

My shining armoured knight is nowhere to be found... Not even his shadow was detected... Where are thou Knight... Thy shall wait for thee till dawn is no more...

My goals vs achievements...

I penned down some goals in a book on 17th April 2008, and here i am publishing some, if not all of it here....

1. Class 2B License
a. RTE - passed 19th April
b. RTT & PDL - passed and received on 10th May
c. Prac 8.01 - cleared on 8th try on 17th June
d. TP - cleared with 16 points at 2nd try on 7th July

2. Get my bike
a. Aprilia RS125 - thru Zack would be 03 model.. If all goes well by mid August
b. Survey above model at shops with Liana, her hubby and friend..
c. Target to hit the road with my baby by mid October...

3. All Girls trip to somewhere
a. To Langkawi - planned and booked - leaving on 7th August wee hours, to be at KLIA by 6am. Back on 11th wee hours. Can't wait.... Just 2 weeks shy..

Actually that was about it that i want to post... Haha.. Ran through the list, and I found it to be rather disturbing as I havent done much to achieve it yet... Haha..

Anyway, okay.. lets add one more to the list

4. Class 3 license
a. Enrol in BBDC - by mid Dec'08
b. FTT - by Jan '09
c. TP - by June '09

5. Grab an overseas assignment
a. When an opportunity rises
b. Ask/ Demand, get transferred at least for short term sometime next year...

Ah... That's about it...

Will the prince in shining armour show up anytime soon?

Between the best and the worst

What is it that is between the best and the worst? What made it so hard to choose from the obvious? Emotions? Feelings? Void? What?

Why is it so hard to let go, and why is it when you want to let go, it just keep coming back and hold you back? Why?

Life wasn't suppose to be this difficult, but humans being humans, even the smallest difference were made too huge to miss... I wish decisions were easy to make... And I wish I don't have to deal with too many people..

What was best for me was due... And still.. No sign of my charming prince, armour and all....

Who would rescue me if not myself? Sorry mum, I was busy finding myself... Sorry dad, I was busy trying to find a man like you. Sorry people, I was just too busy losing myself over and over again..

Will I or will I not have someone to live the rest of my life together?

Misbehaviour

Ya.. I misbehaved.. So what?

Yet another argument, yet another blaming game..

Yet another day...

Btw, I will be taking the bike from Zack much earlier than anticipated. I'm getting it next mid month.. Woohoo.. Haha

Well.. let the rest be just a mystery within myself as to why I can't rid the smile on my face...

Finally...

I finally own a 2B license.. Woohooo... 16points...

I got a potential, almost confirmed, seller.. Will be getting my bike in 3 months' time.. I could barely believe this 2nd good news... The first being my 30% salary increment along with my very small little promotion - from a trainee to an assistant.. Not much of a difference but a difference nonetheless...

My 3rd good news? Coming up I guess.. God knows.. I just hope my prince will come soon... I am still in the office now trying to get my work done... But my mind ain't very much at work, it's just too cold here on my desk... The aircon is just blowing right into my face, and my fingers are freezing...

Anyways... The other thing that I am so so looking forward is the All girls trip to Langkawi.. A very well deserved by all of us.. Gonna indulge in every moment...

Been very very busy with myself... There's always something to do nowadays... Barely have time to sleep and recuperate.. But am not gonna complain, because i had so much fun being busy.. Keeps me sane, I guess....

At times like this, I wish time never comes to an end...

I am happy... So happy... But am also stressed out...

Look at what I've planned out:

11th July: SSH Sports Day - participating in one of the running events
12th July: Roller blade class then collegue's daughter's birthday party
13th July: Visit Bird Park
25th July: Nayli Qistina aka Hamtaro's 6th Bday
26th July: BBQ at East Coast- celebrating Nayli Qistina aka Hamtaro's 6th birthday
August 7th-11th : Langkawi Trip with the Girls
15th/22nd/29th August: Collegues girls night out date to confirm.
September 1st - 30th: Fasting month
15th October: Get my bike - Aprilla RS125 from Zack
19th October: Sepang MotoGP trip
BIRTHDAYS!!!!
2nd November: My 24th
4th November: Mama Hilmy's 34th, Khai's 26th, Ken's 32nd
6th November: WV's 30th
29th November: Ummie Yam's 36th
20th December: Nad's 12th

So many birthdays haha.. Shall i plan for a big party or what? I am extra excited for the many upcoming events.. Gotta run now.. Catch up soon!

Will someone just do it?

Can someone just come to my house and ask my parents for my hand? Can that someone just hurry down to my house and properly ask for my hand, and settle down with me along with my shortcomings? And if someone out there thinks they like me and would love to live with me, can that someone hurry?

I just am tired of waiting... I just want to have my own family and start raising kids... In all honesty, I can learn to love whoever is marrying me and just settle for that for as long as he can understand me well enough, and let me pursue my career and dreams...

I don't care if you're short for as long as you're okay with me in heels and be taller than you without you being insecure. I don't care if you're ugly as long as you appreciate my beauty and just be grateful that I'm willing to be with you. I don't care if you're poor for as long as you dont mind me earning more than you and to help you out once in awhile. I don't care if we need a bigger house to fit both our parents for as long as they can behave themselves and live in peace. I don't care about anything else as long as you'd promise to love me till death, and care for me at old age, regardless of how ugly I'll become or how irritating I can be, and how childish I can get sometimes... Just for as long as you accepted my shortcomings, appreciate me and love me, I won't care who you are...

I needed someone to assure me that I'll never be alone, and that I'm loved. I needed someone who'd hug me to sleep to chase away my insecurities. I needed someone to kiss me in the morning when I'm so unprepared for the day... I needed someone to just be by my side, listening to what I have to say, and then ends it with a kiss so I can go to sleep...

Will that someone be there? Is that someone reading? Will that someone come by? Please...

He who comforted me...

It was a short friendship, but he comforted me like he has known me for years... He run his fingers through my hair, and held my hand.. And made me feel more secured than ever before... And I would have lied to say there's nothing else that made me drawn to him. Guess I just needed attention and he gave that to me, thus the straying... I dunno...

And it made me wonder why I couldnt settle with someone good enough for me.. Someone who would just make myself better when I needed to be consoled in silence.. Someone who would listen and not comment. Someone who would try to make my day and cheer me up. Someone who can make me laugh whole-heartedly and not laugh with some degree of hurt..

And someone who can take punches when he does the kick.. And after watching "Never Back Down" I do know, I have to decide and do what I felt right, and to take any situation under my own control. I can get out of it my way, if I really want to... And I am trying to believe it...

I never knew how much I missed someone's attention until yesterday.. And I think I need it more than I thought I would have needed it.. I needed that small honest concern, some playfullness and the ability to talk with someone who listens..

I shall not ask when my prince will come rescue me? But will wait till time is right, when the feelings has ripe and matured.. I think, I'd seriously prefer to love the person I have married, then to marry someone I love... Because, sometimes, love before marriage only ruins the after marriage... Because those who know why they are marrying the person they marry, will end up wondering why they got married 5 years down the road...

Perhaps, love after marriage would be more fun... I dunno and I start to wonder when I can settle down nicely...

June is coming to its end....

Half a year has past and almost gone... Time flies... and I'm not even having a very good time...

Prac 8 still ongoing... When will it all end with a happy ending?

KI has grew brains... but yet to know if it's for real... Hope it will come true, So I can tell others that he does hold on to his promises...

I do see things working out between me and KI.. Just that to date, I don't have a really concrete evidence that he will hold his words....

Whatever it is, I just hope things will be smooth riding once he settle out what he needs to settle out...

Wish me luck...

When love and hate is just the same....

That's when letting go seem impossible. He just woke up from his nightmare and ask for forgiveness... And because I love him just as much as I hate him, I gave in.. Time and again...

And then I ask myself, " Why say sorry if it's going to happen again?" "Why forgive when all you'd get is hurt and pain?" "Why do I keep myself dragged into this all over again?" "Why leave to return?" "What have I done to be like this?" And I only have myself to blame, myself to kill, myself to punish...

I was right all along.. No matter how wrong someone else is, it's always me at the wrong side of the field... Scoring own goals, and stabbing myself in the chest, and yet, still not learn nor die...

Perhaps, I'm just too sinful... I easily forgive others, but not myself. And yet others can only think of themselves, and not a second of me... And I being selflessness... I think of them all day, try all my will not to hurt, only to be left alone fending all those sharp hunting tools piercing through my heart again and again...

All I ask was for a little understanding, some motivation and to be with me... Perhaps that's just too much to ask... I'm done thinking to stop only to think all over again...

-WILL MY PRINCE F***ING COME AND RESCUE ME??!!!-

Another tiff, another day....

Just had another roll of argument with KI.. What's new... He and his temper, blaming it all to me... Over nothing - nothing at all!

No sense can be put into his tiny brain! I hate it... And I'm finally angry enough to let go... I fail to care any less... What's there to fight for if all this while, everything I tried just failed and fail again...

To hell with all the d**kheads!

Ud4nG...

Nope.. not a code.. But someone that I havent met in the longest time. The last I saw him was back in 2005. So it was nice meeting him and hearing him call me "Bi". It was extra nice because noone else will call me that.

When I asked him why he still calls me that, he just smiled and said it was a habit.. Afterall there was noone else after me, although he was the one who wanted the break up.

He hasnt changed an inch. And I mean it. His tummy's still buldging.. haha..

But I still like the one thing that I've liked from the first day. His smile.. It'd just make me smile right back at him.

Oh well.. I guess what's over remains over. We tried having a closure to what actually happened between us.. I think it's about 75% closed now. Only one thing remain a mystery.. Why we actually break up.. He can't give me a real answer. He blame his short-temper.

Haven't met KI for almost a week now.. And I'm so looking forward for a run with the one who made me happy this weekend. Another thing I'm so looking forward to is our first ever family gathering happening at the comfort of my own home. How nice..

The people I wanna talk to : My cousin, whom I grew up with. Then again whenever I see him, I recalled his gf asking him to keep a distance with me. What a shame... Then I wanna talk to my younger cousin whom I'm closest with. And maybe try and bond with the rest of my cousins if they do turn up. Otherwise, I might just strike a conversation with my aunts and uncles.

Oh, well.. gotta get back to work..

-Will my prince pls rescue me now?-

Arup's Metamorphosis Night

28th March 2008 - Arup's Metamorphosis Night.

That night, I transformed completely... From the normal gal next door with minimal make-up to this absolutely gorgeous lady.. Haha.. Who's to compliment me if not for myself, eh?

Haha... But I do receive remarks like, "OMG, Never seen you like this before?! So cantik la u... " and "Who the hell are you? Whuuttt? Jun??? OMG... So different..." etc...

All credits go to Kak Nana, whom Mellissa engage for Ada, herself and me... She's such a nice lady, and beautiful too... She's one more hot Mama to the list.. =)

KI was too blind to see the transformation.. Guys being guys.. when will they ever learn how to compliment the beautiful ladies?

Anyways, I hated the food and how the waitress served us.. Horrible.. The host; Mr Chua Enlai, made up for all the crappy food served though. He was funny, and cool guy afterall... Very talented! I loike~ And he's humble, not the nose high up kind of guy...

We were taking photos; me and the rest of the committee and he actually request if we can take one photo with him.. Which was so not expected... I mean how many artist would personally request right? It's usually us the normal people who would request.. He's so cool~~

I'm waiting for the photos to be ready so I can upload them to my multiply, now I pathetically have only 5 photos to share...

We had the great time, really... At least I won something (for the first time!)... Haha...

29th March 2008
Nothing much happen.. Went over to Mama Hilmy's house... Ordered McDees... Eat away..

30th March 2008
Family reunion again.. Hee.. Went to pick Ummie Yam then went to Bik Hal's house then went to Mama Hilmy's house, ate at Alif... So nice to eat out with the family after so so so long... I fed Shahril while he played with my NDSL....

I can't believe the extended hours he spent playing NDSL without moving a muscle... I mean he would just stretch his hands and crack his knuckles by just clenching his hands.. Amazing.. And he can do the same with his legs too....

And he has this very funny moves/reactions when he loses the game he's playing.. Like out of a sudden singing the Sheng Shiong theme song... Or start to rub his ears, and sometimes, even resort to dancing like an ape! Haha.. We kept laughing at his moves... He's so funny...

31st March...

Back to work... Monday blues... Urgh.. Need I tell more?

He who made me happy (The Truth)

He who made me happy, doesn't want to be my prince... And so be it...

He made me happy nonetheless.... And mom spotted Skinny R yesterday, he walked the opposite direction at the first sight. Ridiculous!

Now I'm left wondering what he wants from me.... KI suggested me to make a report... He who made me happy suggest bringing someone to talk things out, once and for all...

I dunno... Can't he just leave me alone?!

-Will the prince please come to my rescue?!-

He who made me happy (Clarification)

He who made me happy wasn't KI... He who made me happy was someone else.. It's sad to confess this... But the truth always hurt, doesn't it...

He, who made me happy,worry more when I tell him problems I face with the recent crisis being that Skinny R has came back looking for me which is incredibly scary. He was prepared to send and fetch me if need be... KI questioned me why I never talked to Skinny R, sounded more like KI's siding Skinny R... I hated that...

Yeah.. And Mr's dad got diagnosed with a terrible virus.. Hope he stays strong throughout the process.. May a miracle come, wish him all the best.. Will pray for him too...

I think this is all that I need to tell...

-Will my prince come to my rescue?-

He who made me happy...

He who made me happy last night wasn't the one whom I expect. He who made me happy was not measured by the time he spent with me and how he did. He who made me happy was not measured by what he paid for me. He who made me happy was the one who has been around the longest despite my contemplating status.

Despite all that miseries I've been through, he never failed to make me smile and feel special in my very own way. Despite all the let-downs I've given him, he never failed to still be there just in case. He could have been the one, but one whom was never given a chance, space and time that was needed.

I dunno what I should do... Oh have I told you, KI is down with chicken pox.. I probably have.. Anyways, he keep asking if I can come by to keep him company, and I amazingly keep saying No with no sense of guilt- which felt right. And he on the other hand, did not blow like how I expect him to.

I always think that someone would eventually come, take my hand and end all these miseries and confusion that I'm having.... To think that there's even someone who would like to take me, is just a dream build only to be shattered...

That's it.. I better get back to work.. Enough said...

To adopt or not to adopt....

I'm just keeping my options open. I am not entirely sure if I'd ever get married again, and I'm giving myself ample time to think of the available options.

I came across the idea of adopting a baby, but the procedures will kill me financially... Besides, I won't want to adopt and then decide it's too difficult for me to handle. I'll put this thought on hold till I'm really ready and sure of my path.

I finally told what I had in mind to KI. Told him what was the right thing to do at this moment of time, and the rest is up to him. If he listens, then it's all for his own good. If he doesn't, it'll just mean that the good will come later or never at all..

Anyways, I met up with B like after so many years of not talking to her due to the busy schedules we all have. We ended up talking about the people in our primary school and such. It was nice knowing someone for more than 12 years..

Sharmie must have just landed from the trip to Vietnam.

I'm still at home, so sick, throat hurts, nose blocked... Body aches... and head's spinning...

I guess I really ought to rest.... Nyte!

The day KI met my mom....

It was weird when I think about it... Never thought KI would actually meet my mom... It happened anyway, and they went along pretty well...

Apparently I was the one who wasnt quite sure if it was really the right thing to do, but well, what's done is done. I cant change the past... Perhaps it's meant to be this way...

KI has been texting me everyday since. Maybe it's just us being apart for so long that made him see the need to text me and to make sure I'm still there for him, I dunno...

I've been working late for the past week. So much work, so much changes in such a short period of notice.. And a lot has happened outside my project world that I couldnt help but notice. It was nice knowing that it wasnt just me and that it was really that one engineer who just aint professional enough..

Anyways, there's this junior that was sort of under me who looks like MidKnight. The way he smiles, especially.. And his humour... Thank god, I was busy enough to not watch him or engage in too long a conversation with him, else I'd probably fall and go goo goo gaga at his face. That'd be so embarassing for me then to even show up at work... Anyways, MidKnight gave me that question mark remark again... insecurity or uncertainty? That's what.

I couldnt define. Am I just insecure with who's around me and with me, or was it just uncertainty of the person who's around and with me is the right one for me?

Well, let's just wait and see... What's meant for me will be there for me, and what wasn't will leave eventually...

Oh, my financial advisor has came to see me with great news, my investment has grown a massive 18% over the 18months. And I'm cancelling the one with prudential so he can take care of that portion for my retirement for two reasons. 1 he took better care of it than prudential and 2 I trust him more, besides, I've got bad experience with Prudential before... And I dun quite know why I proceeded with that initially.

What else shall I update... Hmmm... I guess that's it for tonight.

Happy but Confused...

Yes, once more... Just that, I'm happy with that little confusion.

The sort that makes me thinks if things would be different if I chose another path without regrets. I mean, I'm not regretting the path I've chosen, just that I had a conversation with WV. Yes, the one who knows my uncle. Well... It's just been so long since I strike a conversation with him, I mean like a real conversation. He made me realise that sometimes, things just can't be forced, even if you know your time is running out. Sometimes, the happiest moment is one without any commitments, guilt or obligation. When you do just what you feel, say what comes to mind without worry of hurt or any emotion for that matter, that's when you feel most happy and free. And sad to say, that time happens only when he's around and in my life... And sadly too, it ends when he left.

I mean who in the world would have the same thoughts as him? The kind that only say yes to say no, the kind that really follow the saying, "go with the flow". Feels like it, do it. Else forget it. Who would in any way, would refuse to see the girlfriend for weeks and weeks, and yet not have an argument over that? Who would in any way, would she say no to her boyfriend and not feel obligated to make up for it or at least the guilt for saying no?

With this, I'm not saying I'm not happy with KI or mean anything close to that. I'm happy with him, just that I wonder what it would be like if I had endured and stayed single till WV comes back to life. Anyways, I'm still happy to know that WV is still somewhere around at the back of my head safe and sound, ready to give me his ears if I need them, ready to give his opinions if I ever should hear them, and to know that we hold no grudges against each other in any way.

KI is about half of what WV is. But I'm still very much contented to be with KI. I needed someone by my side. I guess I was a little desperate from companionship. And I needed something more that just a boyfriend. I needed something more serious. Not that KI can give me that, but he gave some sort of security. But at least he's always there, and that I can see him anytime I want. With WV is was almost impossible to meet him when I want to, and when he did asked me out, he'd back out soon after.

With WV, I never really worried about anything. Although I know it's more likely for him to go stray than it is for KI, it never crossed my mind. Maybe because with WV, there were no promises made, nor was there any sort of ownership that we exchanged, more to that, we never owed anything to each other. With WV, it was possible for me to say, Hey he got great bods, and he'll go like, oh yeah... And for him to go like Hey check out her boobies... and I'll go like wow.. hell ya.. she got great assets... Everything was in the open and we never judged each other. I guess that's why I felt free and happier with WV. And when I talk to WV, I felt like I can tell him anything and everything and not feel worried, scared, guilty, or anything.

It is not my intention to compare. It's just that oh well, I don't know. Now, I can even call WV and talk about KI or my family, or work and get him to say, "Hello, wake up la... Life is never fair, so accept what you've got" And physically felt two slaps across my face and swallow the painful fact without feeling like he's a jerk. With him, the phrase "Honesty is the best policy" really works.

No guilt, no frills, no worries.

Parents, family, friends, relationships....

It's tough going, another rough patch in life.... History seem to be repeating itself... I didn't and never ask for things to go this way... Why must my mom say harsh things like, "You're a constant disappointment to the family", "dari dlm perut sampai dah ada hasil sendiri menyusahkan aku je" translated into, you're a burden to me since forever, "you dried up my tears since day1", "no matter how much we love you, you never did", etc.

Why? I've had this conversation plenty of times before... She told me it isn't money she's after, she just want me by her side, and when I never give her the monthly usual, she would have told relatives about it, and when I'm home everyday, there'll still be something not right about things i do....

She keep asking me to bring bf home so father can marry me off.. But why would they want that? What's the point? I would have done that if I'm ready... I don't wanna settle down just as yet... Why the force?

I should never say this, but I'm old enough. They said because I'm divorced, I'm under their responsibility, but wouldn't that make second sis just the same, the only difference is she has kids and I don't. Are they saying that if i had kids, I could live of my own and never return home, and only do when I think I should? Doesn't sound right, does it?

My second sister seemed to be the only one who understands me in the family. She knows it's my fault and that I know it's my fault, she doesn't make me feel worse than I already am. She just tell me her opinion and suggestions. She never force anything down my throat. Why couldn't mom just be more like her? I know she miss me, i miss her too... But sometimes, I just need time out and be alone to make my own choices and decision. I just miss my independence really.

Friends, i haven't been contacting my dearest poly friends, even Sharmie... I miss them... I really do, but I can't seem to bring myself to see them in this state. Sometimes I just hope they know the shit I'm going through and not accuse me of forgetting my friends... I really hope you guys understand me at this point....

Relationship with KI has been good, maintaining the good times we've spent, intending to go through whatever it takes together, and see what the future brings... And work on being together... He helps me out in many things that I never could imagine he would.

Work, the problems I'm facing now brings me down at times, but everything seem to be in control...