Wahai Hidup / Dear Life...

Assalammu'alaikum wahai teman-teman seperjuangan. Ku harap hari ini mendatangkan kebahagiaan buat dirimu. I hope your day is blessed with much happiness thus far.

I had a happy day today. Went to GP for breakfast and pumpet. Bump into Zack as I was passing through the customs... I didn't quite finish my breakfast - as expected - rather too early for my breakfast... Haha.. I usually have my breakfast 10am onwards.. hee...

Mystery asked me what time would be good to fetch me to go J's engagement. Before I could answer, he answered his own question. Haha.. So we both head home separately, after breakfast.

I took a nap, I so need it, I dunno why I felt superbly drained out since Saturday. I had a good 2hr nap. Zero disturbance. Fuuhh... I feel so freshed after that nap, and even more fresher after a great shower. I discovered I was clean, so I did my noon prayers. Mystery reached my place in midst of me getting ready right after my prayers. I made him wait about 5-10mins, I think.

We head down to J's engagement. I find it rather amusing, his fiance stayed at the same block, just different floor. Cool, eh.. Whilst J's family and friends went over to his fiance's place, we (Mystery, me and some others) went into J's place, to grab something to eat.

We sat at one corner with our drinks, while waiting for the queue for the food to lessen. We chatted a little, then when the queue got short, we both joined the line for food. Boy, I was hungry.. As we went back to our seats and ate, another of his friend reached and joined us. Somehow, I dunno why, I felt very much at ease. I usually would snug and feel out of place in such situations, but with Mystery, I felt very much at ease, he answered most of the questions for me. I practically switched off, fearing some hard-to-answer questions.

Soon, we were out of the house, sitting down, Mystery and his friends started chatting, and in between, Mystery sat next to me, to converse with me, which is very very much appreciated. His gesture made me feel very much at ease, and comfortable. And in a matter of minutes, they all started making plans. We decided to pay one of their friend's father who's sick. Mystery did turn to me, looking for my agreement. I gave him a blur look, and nodded when he asked me. ;)

And so we head down to TMS, to kill sometime, our friend was not home yet at that time. We had about 2hours to kill then. At TMS, I dunno why, I felt much closer to Mystery.. I honestly dunno what had made me feel closer to him, but it seemed natural.

After his friends were done shopping, we all got hungry - AGAIN. So we decided to go BS for an early dinner. It was during this moment, that his friends started to hint on to us... I totally switched off. I pretended not to hear their questions and his answers. I looked away, running away, only because I was afraid. I dun wanna end up having high hopes again. I dun wanna prematurely jump into conclusion only to break my own heart, with the existence of my stupid emotions that rose from loneliness and high desire to settle down.

Why, I seriously dunno. This totally scare me.. It wasn't at all in my plan to get into this blurry and messy situation. I dunno why my heart feels jumpy. I dunno why after having jumpy heartbeat, I will have a gloomy slow beat. I dunno why, I just feel so scared, but at the same time, excited.

Anyways, after dinner, we went on to our friend's place to visit his father. Again, hints were thrown. Happy faces made others assume... Or was it genuine? I dunno... Was it really the truth? Is Mystery seriously more happier or was he just being the way he is? Or were his friends just disturbing him because of the rare occassion of him bringing a female friend along?

I switched off yet again, not wanting to hear. Running away, from setting high hopes.. I somehow know, I am not quite ready for this, although I've yearned for it for the longest time.

It's almost like, I wanna settle down, but not marry.. Or get married without having a boyfriend.. I dunno.. it's impossible. Therefore, I conclude that I am not ready.

Perhaps, I am just sick of being in a relationship and not settling. It's painful, you know. And kindda waste of time really... You get into a relationship - test it out.. Only to fail, and then move on.. Just how many times? How long? I dunno.. I just can't keep up with these many heartaches anymore.

Is there really someone out there made for me? Is there really someone out there who wants to be with me and really mean it? Will that someone then, just book me the proper way, if he genuinely love me? Because I dunno if I can commit without having a proper status, the right way. I need something more concrete than just a mere relationship.

I am a coward, I am just so afraid to lose. But I know, it's a lesson learnt from all the failures. And a lesson learnt is success in itself. Will the man meant for me come soon? I dunno...