Fear of Doubt

Assalammu'alaikum dearest readers and friends. I hope your day has been great and may more happiness and good things continue to fill up your day.

Today, I have got myself thinking ever so deeply on what I had typed last night. And somehow, I seemed to attract the fear of doubt, and i started to doubt myself.

"Would I be good enough for someone?" I asked. It made me feel scared in some sense. And I had trouble snapping out of it. It's like a terrible disease, I need antidotes, and I need it quick. I diverted my attention to Baby J.. And still, it couldn't get out of my mind. I lied down, and then I start to build castles in the air... I started to put happy thoughts into my mind, and I start to imagine what the future would be like. And I suddenly had an image of many children surrounding me.

I snapped out of it, I dun wanna end up building hopes. I had been dreaming of having my own family like for the longest time. And this time, I see more people, a much clearer face to every human in my dreams. And I felt scared somehow. So afraid, that sometimes, I start to get cold feet... I typed a long text.. and erased it all.. fearing someone would misinterpret it. I fear lack of understanding. I fear wrong assumptions. I fear for the fear of doubt.

I have never felt so calm... I have never felt so at ease before. I felt like this is it... But I still have some fears with me. History haunting me, perhaps. Or maybe it's just the painful truth that I have to swallow... I dun have anything but debts. Whatever we may have said, when it comes to finances, it will always be a sensitive issue. I dun wanna argue because of my lack of finance control. I wanna clear all these doubts. I wanna clear all my debts. I have vowed to commit at least 90% of my upcoming salaries to clear all debts.. I hope to clear all outstanding within a year. I have to instill a lot of discipline, and here's where I need support and reminders..

And once all debts are almost clear, I'll start committing 50% to continually clear my debts if any, and remaining 40% on my future commitments and the last 10% for my personal stuff.  I dunno if this would be sufficient. But honestly, I dun really fancy too grand a show. I just need something moderate to low-profile. I'm obedient, so I'd just follow suit what the future brings.

Having said all these, I hope to eliminate all fears of doubts, and start believing, having faith, and dreaming big.. I am so glad I found you. I dunno how to hide my happiness....

And I just hope we can remain strong to be there for each other, to go through everything - whatever it takes, through rain and shine, through thick and thin, through poverty and wealth, through sickness and health. I just hope we can stick together no matter what others has to say.

Things may have been going too fast, but perhaps there's a reason why we continue to proceed on despite the fast forward moments. Time does not always measure how much we know each other. Sometimes, we go with our gut feelings. My parents for once said, that sometimes, even after being with someone for over 10years, you just keep finding out something new about that person, and one day, you found something terrible about that person, that you just forget all the good memories you'd had with that someone. And suddenly things just dun work out... 10years goes to waste.. And I asked,"What's the morale of this story?"

My dad said, "That you will never be sure of anything. You will never be ready for anything. You prepare for something, but something else will happen. And everything happens for a reason. Let the reason be Allah, for He knows what's best for us. Don't question why, instead, Thank Him. You never know what He has for you ahead in time. If it's meant for you, it will always be yours. No matter how many people tried to steal it from you, No matter how you hate it, No matter how you loved it... If it's yours, Allah will make sure you'll get it. But if it's not for you, No matter how hard to tried, you will never have it."

And I smiled... I looked at dad in the eye.. And said, "If there's only one thing that I can asked for, I'd ask for a man like you. You always know how to make me feel alright, You know what to tell me, You know when I want to hear what I have to hear. You never once left me no matter what wrong I've done to you. Instead you loved me more.. I just hope to find someone like you to spend the rest of my life with me... "

Dad breathed deep, and said, "He will come to you, I know he'll come soon.. Just don't think too much, and stop doubting. Ask from Allah. And Thank Him. "

I rest my head on dad's lap for a long time.. Not realizing I had wet his kain pelekat. I cried but I dunno if it's tears of joy or tears of fear.

I spent 2 solid hours on my praying mat today. Crying my fears out... Praying for things to get better.. Even then, I find that it's insufficient, and so I shall lay my praying mat and continue to pray some more..

May Allah protect my heart, and his heart. May Allah show us the right path, and continue to guide us through. May all that is well ends well, and may all that is not, gets corrected. May Allah forgive all my sins, and his', my parents' and his', and to shower us with contentment, and resentment. May Allah protect us from Syaitan's influence, and the emotions (lust, greed and revenge) that follows be eliminated.

Wassalam.