I'm scared...

Assalammu'alaikum readers and friends. Hope your day's been good thus far.

Today, I feel afraid. Perhaps, Allah S.W.T. is reminding me of the sins that I've committed last night. Sometimes, I feel so scared of history repeating itself. The what-ifs session of my daily life. I wonder if it's me who's bringing this upon myself... It seems to me, the more I tried to refrain, the more drawn I become..

I began to question my own stand. I began to doubt my own beliefs sometimes. I began to even shrug at my own opinions and thoughts. I dunno what is going on. I dunno why my heart been so fast, so hard, so vigorously. I can't tell if it's out of fear or out of anger. Angry with myself... Scared of influence.

I just dun wanna end up giving my all only to be all alone at the end of the day, with nothing in my grasp. I dunno how to face up to it and just admit my own feelings. I do feel good... I do feel the sense of belonging. I do feel loved. But I am afraid of my own shadows, what if I was loved for all the wrong reasons? What if I love for all the wrong reasons?

At this moment, I know I put my best to love sincerely and genuinely. And I want to reap the extra benefits only when it's legal. Sometimes, the many years of experience with relationships going all wrong made me wonder if all men are the same... And as much as I fear history repeating itself, I gave everyone a chance to just prove me wrong which often ends with them proving me right.

What made me sure this time? What made my parents anxious this time? I dunno.. I have mixed feelings on this. I just hope to work things out this time.. Because, seriously, I'm sick of relationships turning sour. I want this relationship to bloom.. and continuously bloom.. and when it's legal, it would explode with neverending  happiness and joy.

My mom reminded me of my ticking biological clock. She said I gotta start planning something out. She said I ought to start my own family by now... And she reminded me, that it doesn't matter who the guy is for as long as he loves me and responsibly care for me till end of time.

I'm giving myself a year to settle my debts. And if my debts get cleared off, and if my relationship is more than stable, I'd probably start planning then. So for now... I shall just take it easy.. And just continue to remind myself to be firm with my stands..

I've been having those weird dreams again, and it's not a very nice thing... Especially the waking up with a bad headache.. the giddiness of fear is kindda starting to eat me up.. And I feel shit scared... Like seriously... I am so scared.

Anyways, I miss Mischievous.... I dunno why... but I truly miss him.. It's only been 18hrs now.. Oh, JUN!!!! STOP IT already.. going all mushy is NOT going to make you feel better... Geesh.. Now.. I gotta GET back to doing what I MUST do.

Pray for health, happiness, peace, love, and lots of strength to refrain from lust, greed, and revenge.

Wassalam.