Since my last entry...

Assalammu'alaikum readers.. I hope your weekend has been great and all is well so far.

Since my last entry, I've been overloaded with work, and had left me with little time. I made a few new friends at work, found a proper place to do my prayers... And I heard one too many political views in the office, which can be a little terrifying but i believe it's all good..

More or less, my days are now 49% work, 16% self leisure (spending time with great people, family, friends, lone riding, etc) and remaining 35% at home eating, resting, lazing and sleeping.. Almost routine.. And I'm kindda starting to be tired of it.. Which made me reluctant to either go to work or to go home, or both. Weird but true.

Life in a complicated relationship with D, blade expert, Mystery, SmartPants, Handyman, Fisherman, and Notorious seemed to be okay so far... And somehow, today.. I got myself in the fear zone yet again... I dunno why... I just felt afraid, afraid of having things to go wrong, more afraid of being the wrong one... Having parents to tell everything bad about their child is not making things any better.... What if he change his mind about me? What if the theory I wanted to be proven wrong is right?

All I want is happiness that last a lifetime... Problem is, do I deserve it?

1st day of Site Life

Assalammu'alaikum valued readers and beloved friends. Hope you all had a fabulous day so far.   It's my first day of site life.. I haven't found a proper place to do my prayers just as yet. All Kolia here.. No Landy and I feel a little out of place and somehow.. Alone.. But I like that. At least noone would have anything much to say about me...    I ended up emailing LXA for tips and refreshment on the softwares I used to operate on a daily basis. 11months of hibernation and my mind get a little rusty on the procedures and steps to take...   I just can't wait to put in my full force.. With the temporaty notebook, it's a bit of a hassle, and needless to say.. Uber slow speed, that I can easily fall asleep...   May Allah give me more guidance to go through all the obstacles and challenges that he has set out for me to be a better person. And may everyone be granted better health and wealth.   I miss my blade expert.. In such need to blade and release all these tension and stress..   Shall we??   As I wait for your answer, I shall say goodbye.. Until next time. Wassalam.

What a Sunday~~

Assalammu'alaikum readers & friends. I hope the weekend's been great for you and your family, and I hope all of you are blessed with great health & wealth. I spent my Sunday feeling very lost. I woke up about thrice throughout my sleep. When I finally do, I felt so lost, I walked zombied into the kitchen not knowing what I wanted to do. My tummy hurts, so my mom asked if I want her to arrange for a massage, I agreed in silence. I felt more lost the moment my sister and the kids head off home... With only me and my mom, we ended having our much needed private chats.. and mom started off conveying what dad had told her about Mystery.. All sounds good so far. After the afternoon prayers, we headed down to SA3 for my massage with Grand2. Oh I felt like new after that much needed massage. Then I had a tiff with dad.. And we ended up in silence the whole journey back home. We got home in time for the evening prayers, and after I was done, I went out to Mus. Something familiar caught my eye.. But I refuse to give an opportunity for unwanted scene thus avoided complete contact. Say what you want, because you're a TONA, whatever you say will become irrelevant. And I'm glad you got him in your territory, I hope you can keep him within your radar and stopped him from straying or get into other people's territory.. You probably have to tell him that if he does get out of radar, he will be executed. Actions speaks louder bro.. Seriously, I'm so relieved that I got out of it swiftly.. I got into a lot of excitement and anxiety, so much so I had to meet D and calm myself down. Haha... All these twirl made me so jumpy... And all I need right now is sleep, which I can't seem to get my mind to do it.. A very very busy week is ahead of me.. And I'm so gonna miss everyone especially... Oh well, you know who you are.. Chances are, I might only get to see you once the entire week... Oh boy... I'm so gonna miss you.. But oh well.. Like mom told me once.. "Better to refrain, and get it when it's really yours, then to sample what's forbidden only to find out it's not yours to keep." My sister said (out of the blue), "Only those who really loves you would abide by the proper rules and do what they should before doing what they wanted with you. Remember Cinta Syurga? Jodoh ada tiga. Choose wisely." What I wanted is something that comes with a lot of humps, hurdles, setbacks, challenges, and always, one too many tests. Only the one who's meant to be will persevere till the end. And I always pray for continual guidance to get to where I had always wanted to be. To end up with him who's meant to be mine, and reap all the benefits that I've yearned for. And I really want it to last till Hereafter.. May my prayers be answered. Wassalam.

What is in my Mind?

Assalammu'alaikum everyone. I hope the past week has been great for you, and may the weekend be greater for all of you.

I had a very emotional Friday... I started feeling the pinch on Wednesday. So, naturally when someone calls me to get things done, I said yes so I'd forget. I went down to site to sign my appointment letter.. And on thursday, I went home right after babysitting to have dinner and have a chat with my parents, and then I met NH & D for pumpet session. As we get to the rest area, NH started interviewing D and it kindda felt warm telling her how I get to know D. It felt awkwardly nice that it actually sounded classic. We just got stuck to each other, didn't we?  Haha...

Then came Friday... My heart felt empty and full at the same time.. I felt confused, down, but hyped.. I dunno why my eyes became watery as I bid my goodbyes.. I couldn't seem to kiss him enough.. As I parted away, closing the door behind me, I felt a sharp pain hitting my mind... I did not look back, I head off to the elevator.. As I entered... I was an inch closer to breakdown, and texted my blade expert.. I couldn't help it.. And when I got to my bike, my tears greeted my cheeks.. I closed my eyes, and I saw him. His innocent face looking back at me wondering why I am crying... I felt lonely... I felt like I couldn't get him off my mind. 


I wiped my tears away, and head home. I hugged my mom, and told her I am missing him too much that I cried. My dad looked on, and said I'd get over it soon. Then Ummie texted me and asked me to come over. I went over, my mind filled with one too many things. I kept telling her my mind's heavy, so much in my mind that I dunno what is occupying the space. He wasn't the only one in my mind. There's something else. But I couldnt tell what it was.


As I leave her house, I texted quikslvr, it's been 2 or more solid months since I last saw the ARC clan. Quikslvr, Izecubez, Alam and redx still there, so I headed down to wash away whatever that is bothering my mind. Alam was a little shocked at my new image. And they all said Alhamdullilah, only to be greeted by the bandaged leg figurine by the window. Hahaha.. Soon alpinestar & hybrid came along, and later shadantao came along. After what it seemed like hours, we decide to split and head home. 


I felt a little out of place but welcomed and at ease being with the ARC clan again. I then head down to Calt's AXS to get the E-Day License, bt to my dismay, the service is only available from 6am to midnight. 

I headed home and rest my my body on my bed, switched my lappie on.. Saw some old friends online, and we catched up a little. One of my friends had just given up with my species. I couldn't say much but to just listen to him pulling my species down. After a short while, I switch my lappie down and slept through.

Oh, Mystery asked me to company him for his friend's house warming today. Hee.. I miss Mystery... It's been about two weeks since I last mentioned him, hasn't it? How time flies... And so, I'm gonna meet more of his friends... I'm so honoured... & I'm feeling all shy.. hahaha.. 


I am so looking forward to seeing Mystery again... Indeed, I miss him a lot... I hope Mystery can make me forget about my baby J... 

Somehow deep down, I gotta feeling.. That tonight's gonna be a good good night... ;)

Fear of Doubt

Assalammu'alaikum dearest readers and friends. I hope your day has been great and may more happiness and good things continue to fill up your day.

Today, I have got myself thinking ever so deeply on what I had typed last night. And somehow, I seemed to attract the fear of doubt, and i started to doubt myself.

"Would I be good enough for someone?" I asked. It made me feel scared in some sense. And I had trouble snapping out of it. It's like a terrible disease, I need antidotes, and I need it quick. I diverted my attention to Baby J.. And still, it couldn't get out of my mind. I lied down, and then I start to build castles in the air... I started to put happy thoughts into my mind, and I start to imagine what the future would be like. And I suddenly had an image of many children surrounding me.

I snapped out of it, I dun wanna end up building hopes. I had been dreaming of having my own family like for the longest time. And this time, I see more people, a much clearer face to every human in my dreams. And I felt scared somehow. So afraid, that sometimes, I start to get cold feet... I typed a long text.. and erased it all.. fearing someone would misinterpret it. I fear lack of understanding. I fear wrong assumptions. I fear for the fear of doubt.

I have never felt so calm... I have never felt so at ease before. I felt like this is it... But I still have some fears with me. History haunting me, perhaps. Or maybe it's just the painful truth that I have to swallow... I dun have anything but debts. Whatever we may have said, when it comes to finances, it will always be a sensitive issue. I dun wanna argue because of my lack of finance control. I wanna clear all these doubts. I wanna clear all my debts. I have vowed to commit at least 90% of my upcoming salaries to clear all debts.. I hope to clear all outstanding within a year. I have to instill a lot of discipline, and here's where I need support and reminders..

And once all debts are almost clear, I'll start committing 50% to continually clear my debts if any, and remaining 40% on my future commitments and the last 10% for my personal stuff.  I dunno if this would be sufficient. But honestly, I dun really fancy too grand a show. I just need something moderate to low-profile. I'm obedient, so I'd just follow suit what the future brings.

Having said all these, I hope to eliminate all fears of doubts, and start believing, having faith, and dreaming big.. I am so glad I found you. I dunno how to hide my happiness....

And I just hope we can remain strong to be there for each other, to go through everything - whatever it takes, through rain and shine, through thick and thin, through poverty and wealth, through sickness and health. I just hope we can stick together no matter what others has to say.

Things may have been going too fast, but perhaps there's a reason why we continue to proceed on despite the fast forward moments. Time does not always measure how much we know each other. Sometimes, we go with our gut feelings. My parents for once said, that sometimes, even after being with someone for over 10years, you just keep finding out something new about that person, and one day, you found something terrible about that person, that you just forget all the good memories you'd had with that someone. And suddenly things just dun work out... 10years goes to waste.. And I asked,"What's the morale of this story?"

My dad said, "That you will never be sure of anything. You will never be ready for anything. You prepare for something, but something else will happen. And everything happens for a reason. Let the reason be Allah, for He knows what's best for us. Don't question why, instead, Thank Him. You never know what He has for you ahead in time. If it's meant for you, it will always be yours. No matter how many people tried to steal it from you, No matter how you hate it, No matter how you loved it... If it's yours, Allah will make sure you'll get it. But if it's not for you, No matter how hard to tried, you will never have it."

And I smiled... I looked at dad in the eye.. And said, "If there's only one thing that I can asked for, I'd ask for a man like you. You always know how to make me feel alright, You know what to tell me, You know when I want to hear what I have to hear. You never once left me no matter what wrong I've done to you. Instead you loved me more.. I just hope to find someone like you to spend the rest of my life with me... "

Dad breathed deep, and said, "He will come to you, I know he'll come soon.. Just don't think too much, and stop doubting. Ask from Allah. And Thank Him. "

I rest my head on dad's lap for a long time.. Not realizing I had wet his kain pelekat. I cried but I dunno if it's tears of joy or tears of fear.

I spent 2 solid hours on my praying mat today. Crying my fears out... Praying for things to get better.. Even then, I find that it's insufficient, and so I shall lay my praying mat and continue to pray some more..

May Allah protect my heart, and his heart. May Allah show us the right path, and continue to guide us through. May all that is well ends well, and may all that is not, gets corrected. May Allah forgive all my sins, and his', my parents' and his', and to shower us with contentment, and resentment. May Allah protect us from Syaitan's influence, and the emotions (lust, greed and revenge) that follows be eliminated.

Wassalam.

Love as it is....

Love is a complex subject.. It's could be emotional based, commitment based, relationship based... You can love someone, something or even an action in itself. In that sense, I can define love as an emotional commitment to something or someone. So how do one know if he/she is in love? To be in love is usually to be overwhelmed with the emotional support or reward/returns or fulfillment one gets from something/someone/ doing something. I personally like or rather love the feeling of being in love. It makes me excited, and most of the time, go on and on about that particular something or someone whom I'm in love with. Often than not, I would fail to see the downside of the something or someone. Therefore, I conclude, that it's better to be in love for the emotional set backs that he/she/something gives us than to be in love for the things he/she/something has. What I mean is.. It's better to love someone/something because of how he/she/something makes us feel as compared to loving someone/something for its attributes. I dunno if anyone understands what I type.. but i do know, I always feel better writing things that is in my mind, thus my love for writing. I dun exactly care what others think of my writings, what matters most is how the whole writing makes me feel. I love the way blade expert, smart pants, mischievous, and even handyman makes me feel everytime i meet them. There's something in them that makes me feel alright, no matter how badly my heart bled. It almost felt like they have the cure to my bleeding heart. In fact, my heart seemed to feel very much alright and new again. Scars are there, for a reason. As a reminder of what I had been through. The ups and downs of every relationship that i have established within the short span of life. I am not exactly very proud of the many (perhaps too many) relationships, but all those, had contributed to the person I am today. I learn from every mistakes, I learn several ways to get over it and many ways to move on.. Somehow, it has made me a more patient person, and someone who's more likely to be in control of her emotions. She who was once,  a temperament, now smiles at every hurdle - oh yes she complains once in awhile - but she's learning, and is getting better. At least I believe so. The past has thought her many valuable lessons, and because of that, she's grateful to have gone through it and be given yet another chance to try once more and be better with each try. Love as it is, is complicated enough. Human will never escape the fear of doubt. Sometimes, we just can't help but have that doubt. It's a matter of whether we doubt for the good reasons or the bad reasons.. And it's a matter of doubting for the worst, or for the better. Will the doubts that raise within ourselves, make us closer or further apart? We can't tell for sure. Obviously, the best is to trust our significant other. But how? Trust is something that comes naturally, I'd say. How much does one trust another when they say ,"I trust you"? To me, it may have two scenarios : to have said that, the person already has a degree of doubt. To say , "I trust you" may sometimes mean, "You better not hide anything.." But sometimes, it just an assurance of trust. The latter usually can be felt. I dunno how to explain. But you can just feel and know that it's assurance and not a hint of doubt. The fear of doubt, usually rise from our ourselves. Often, we doubt someone because we are doing something  that is just not right. For example, A doubts B.. A doubts if B is really just friends with C, usually, it's because A has a friend but ends up being more than just a friend with someone else and B trust A. So A doubts B because A is doing something behind B's back and thinks that B is doing the same to A therefore the doubt rises and fear envelopes A. This would be good is A realize his/her mistakes and stop doing whatever that is not right. But it's be harmful if A continues to doubt but not stop his/her nonsense. Most of the time, people fear losing someone because they know they are doing something that will make their partner leave them. But what's the point of fearing when one refuse to change and amend his/her doings? I never quite understand these people really.. But I dun quite care anymore. They ought to start growing up and learn on their own. They probably end up the way they are because they often get spoon-fed and forgot how to do things on their own. Or maybe I dun care anymore because I finally woke up and realize that I dun need people like that. I truly need someone who wants to be a better person, and wants me to move towards that direction as well. To be better together, and better for each other. Because I believe the better person that we all deserve is in ourselves. Afterall, it's easier to change ourselves, than to change someone else. I did not change for someone else, but I change because I wanna be better. In fact, I wanna be the best for someone who truly deserve me. Because by me being my best, I will somehow, be given the best that I deserve whether or not I realize, whether or not I asked for it, whether or not I want it. Allah s.w.t. always rewards us with what we deserve, and always gives us challenges that we can handle. So stop whining and complaining. Start working on it. Start doing what you have to do. Love will always be complicated and complex. But the love for Allah, will never be too hard. Love Allah, Love your parents, Love yourself, and your Love will come... For Allah has already penned down who you are meant for.. Don't complain, don't ask.. Just let it come naturally. If it's meant to be.. It will always be... Someone once told me : Love something/someone while you still have them. And learn to let go when they slip away, because if that something/someone is meant to be yours, it will be found again.. It will return back to you.. It will always be yours... But if it's not, even if you have had it for a million years, it will one day slip away anyway. Sometimes, its best to make it yours the moment you felt right, sometimes, its best to wait and see... Sometimes.. its best to let go.... I don't quite know what she meant.. But I guess I'm slowly learning... Not everything is logical.. Not all questions has a model answer.. I am just looking forward to many more days to finding Mr Right... Would it be my blade expert? Or Smart Pants? Or perhaps Mischievous? Or could it be Handyman? I dunno.. I really dunno.... One thing for sure, I feel good. May Allah continue to protect us from evil. Shower us with lots of love and happiness. Keep us away from the fear of doubt. Keep us close to you and continue to guide us to the right way. And allow us to continually appreciate each other. Wassalam.

Contented

Assalammu'alaikum everyone... I hope your weekend has been fabulous and may more happiness and joy continue to envelope your day ahead. I had a great time last night. A really great evening spent. Smart Pants fetched me at 1830hrs. Well, he actually arrived at 1815hrs. I was dressed in my white songket clad with grey scarf and creamy clutch bag. And he was in all black. Sweeeettttt~ We took the car out and went down to the wedding dinner at C1. We were rather too early - barely anyone there just as yet. So we sat down a block away to have a chat while waiting for more people to fill up the seats. We enjoyed the music and all, the food's okay, and then it's time to take photos... This was like so WOAH. Six or Seven cameramen attacked us.. I have absolutely no idea which camera to look at. Flashes flashes... Ooo La La... Va Voom.. We made an exit off the wedding reception. We then head down to Lin's place to collect my orders.. And oh my.. I was welcomed like a celebrity... And Smart Pants got lots of compliments too.. Haha... It was kindda funny.. But I enjoyed it... It's not always that I get this kindda treatment, ya know. My white songket must have been too gorgeous for me. Hee...  Kak J couldn't stop snapping my photo away, she took a photo of me and Smart Pants too.. That I must have!! It looked gorgeously romantic. BNW couple~ Ain't that Swweeeettttttt?? I could see Smart Pants boring himself out.. So I tried to find ways to make a quick exit. And once done, we start to think of places to just chill and have a long chat. We went off to the destinated location, and started talking. I truly enjoy the whole conversation. And I felt more loved, and love to love even more. I felt contented to have Smart Pants. And today, my mom went to ask if Mr Handyman could come over to do up the light and piping. She said since noone's gonna be home, maybe can get it done today.. then after awhile, dad came to me and said it won't be nice for him to come by and end up alone with me. Haha... Funny parents. Dad went on to say, "I trust him, I trust you. I dun trust the neighbours. I dun want them to go around saying things that neither you nor him did." And so my dad is just afraid of rumours that may rise a degree of doubt within him. Mom went on to say, "No choice, got to wait until he's ready to meet us la.. but I really need my lights and pipe to work fine.." I have no idea what that is suppose to mean, but I guess mom's just anxious to see him herself. Dad must have told what he thinks of him, and made mom a lil excited in some sense. I dunno... Anyways, Mr Nice Guy, following the msg you sent me... I'm doing very well, thank you. With that, I am looking forward to meeting someone... And I am excited. Haha.. Until the next post, Wassalam

I'm scared...

Assalammu'alaikum readers and friends. Hope your day's been good thus far.

Today, I feel afraid. Perhaps, Allah S.W.T. is reminding me of the sins that I've committed last night. Sometimes, I feel so scared of history repeating itself. The what-ifs session of my daily life. I wonder if it's me who's bringing this upon myself... It seems to me, the more I tried to refrain, the more drawn I become..

I began to question my own stand. I began to doubt my own beliefs sometimes. I began to even shrug at my own opinions and thoughts. I dunno what is going on. I dunno why my heart been so fast, so hard, so vigorously. I can't tell if it's out of fear or out of anger. Angry with myself... Scared of influence.

I just dun wanna end up giving my all only to be all alone at the end of the day, with nothing in my grasp. I dunno how to face up to it and just admit my own feelings. I do feel good... I do feel the sense of belonging. I do feel loved. But I am afraid of my own shadows, what if I was loved for all the wrong reasons? What if I love for all the wrong reasons?

At this moment, I know I put my best to love sincerely and genuinely. And I want to reap the extra benefits only when it's legal. Sometimes, the many years of experience with relationships going all wrong made me wonder if all men are the same... And as much as I fear history repeating itself, I gave everyone a chance to just prove me wrong which often ends with them proving me right.

What made me sure this time? What made my parents anxious this time? I dunno.. I have mixed feelings on this. I just hope to work things out this time.. Because, seriously, I'm sick of relationships turning sour. I want this relationship to bloom.. and continuously bloom.. and when it's legal, it would explode with neverending  happiness and joy.

My mom reminded me of my ticking biological clock. She said I gotta start planning something out. She said I ought to start my own family by now... And she reminded me, that it doesn't matter who the guy is for as long as he loves me and responsibly care for me till end of time.

I'm giving myself a year to settle my debts. And if my debts get cleared off, and if my relationship is more than stable, I'd probably start planning then. So for now... I shall just take it easy.. And just continue to remind myself to be firm with my stands..

I've been having those weird dreams again, and it's not a very nice thing... Especially the waking up with a bad headache.. the giddiness of fear is kindda starting to eat me up.. And I feel shit scared... Like seriously... I am so scared.

Anyways, I miss Mischievous.... I dunno why... but I truly miss him.. It's only been 18hrs now.. Oh, JUN!!!! STOP IT already.. going all mushy is NOT going to make you feel better... Geesh.. Now.. I gotta GET back to doing what I MUST do.

Pray for health, happiness, peace, love, and lots of strength to refrain from lust, greed, and revenge.

Wassalam.
 

Things are getting better

Assalammu'alaikum beloved readers and treasured friends. I hope your day has been filled with lots of love and happiness and may it continue to fill your many days to come. It seems to me that things are slowly working out... I went for an interview, I was even tested! I had to do one drawing in half an hour. I didnt quite complete it, and was told, "Ok, enough, follow me now." I was pretty sure I flopped, but instead, he said to me, "Congratulations. I hope you'd be happy to join us, and I hope to work with you. Would Monday, 18th be a good day for you to start?" I was shocked, surprised, and needless to say, speechlessly overwhelmed with happiness. Finally, a job... Contract, but it's possibly 4yr long contract. And I'd be entitled to annual bonuses.. I haven't seen the full contract terms.. I was too happy and didn't even ask any crucial questions pertaining the job. I just hope I can do a good job, and up to or exceed their expectations. I'm still blushing over what happened on Monday actually... Can't seemed to believe that all the good things are starting to happen.. It seems to me, that I'm gonna settle down afterall.. With the job coming in, I just hope to settle my debts, in like a year or two.. and then start saving up for you know what.. And just well... settle down, i guess.. This would mean, for a year or two, I'd be just splurging on repaying my debts, so I can clear them all... And then divert all the monies to my savings account thereafter. Somehow, I can't seem to wait for all my plans to happen.. I just hope this time, it simply work.. Otherwise, my dad will have to do what he don't really like to do.. And with him telling me that this would be my last chance to try on my own, it just means to say, he has some kind of confidence that this might just be the one for me. I just want an honest, loyal, and genuine relationship. With this, I had been asked by someone, why I chose him. And I had to say, " Why go for looks, when we all will be looking crumpled with all the wrinkles and wont be looking as good as you would be looking now? Why go for wealth, when you can't exactly bring wealth to your grave or buy the ticket to heaven with the amount of money you have? Why go for academic qualifications when you can't exactly use it as a ticket to heaven?" And so someone continued to ask, "Then what are you looking for? Why did you choose him over the many others?" "Because I felt right. He made me feel alright despite the many humps and obstacles that I had to go through. He made me realise that I'm definitely not the worst. His good sense of humour.. I guess great communication that we had established, has made us closer." Love is indeed a very complex topic.. It come unexpectedly.. And I came to fall in love with this some... in its lyrics, it said, "You made it easy as 1,2,3,4,. One thing, to do, three words, for you. I love you" And I truly had falled in love... I really hope all goes well from here on.. Wassalam.

Jumpy Jumpy Heartbeat

Assalammua'alaikum my precious readers & friends. I hope you all have had a wonderful day...

My hearts been jumping all day today.. One because she felt loved, and important. Two because another employment agency called up. Three because one agency said she's arranging an interview possibly on Wednesday or Thursday. Four because parents gave me this delighted face upon my return. Five because her finances are running haywire.

The last one is actually the first thing that made my heart all jumpy. Things get all entangled up due to my finances. I dunno why everything came crumbling down and working out all at the same time, making my heart even more jumpy than ever before.

It almost felt like I'm gonna get heart attack of some kind. At some point, I did feel like fainting. Too good a news, it seems. I seriously dunno what I am experiencing right now.

I do note that my words are also jumpy... I dunno why, the things in my mind are jumpy.. Everything seems jumpy.. Just that right now, I can't differentiate the excited jumpy, the nervous jumpy, the panic jumpy, or the happy jumpy... Because it all seemed the same to me now.. I just jump around to rid off the jumpy feeling only to feel more need to jump some more. Geesh..

And every tick of the clock makes me wanna jump even more.. Ooooo Lala... 

Jumping off till next time,
Wassalam.

Wahai Hidup / Dear Life...

Assalammu'alaikum wahai teman-teman seperjuangan. Ku harap hari ini mendatangkan kebahagiaan buat dirimu. I hope your day is blessed with much happiness thus far.

I had a happy day today. Went to GP for breakfast and pumpet. Bump into Zack as I was passing through the customs... I didn't quite finish my breakfast - as expected - rather too early for my breakfast... Haha.. I usually have my breakfast 10am onwards.. hee...

Mystery asked me what time would be good to fetch me to go J's engagement. Before I could answer, he answered his own question. Haha.. So we both head home separately, after breakfast.

I took a nap, I so need it, I dunno why I felt superbly drained out since Saturday. I had a good 2hr nap. Zero disturbance. Fuuhh... I feel so freshed after that nap, and even more fresher after a great shower. I discovered I was clean, so I did my noon prayers. Mystery reached my place in midst of me getting ready right after my prayers. I made him wait about 5-10mins, I think.

We head down to J's engagement. I find it rather amusing, his fiance stayed at the same block, just different floor. Cool, eh.. Whilst J's family and friends went over to his fiance's place, we (Mystery, me and some others) went into J's place, to grab something to eat.

We sat at one corner with our drinks, while waiting for the queue for the food to lessen. We chatted a little, then when the queue got short, we both joined the line for food. Boy, I was hungry.. As we went back to our seats and ate, another of his friend reached and joined us. Somehow, I dunno why, I felt very much at ease. I usually would snug and feel out of place in such situations, but with Mystery, I felt very much at ease, he answered most of the questions for me. I practically switched off, fearing some hard-to-answer questions.

Soon, we were out of the house, sitting down, Mystery and his friends started chatting, and in between, Mystery sat next to me, to converse with me, which is very very much appreciated. His gesture made me feel very much at ease, and comfortable. And in a matter of minutes, they all started making plans. We decided to pay one of their friend's father who's sick. Mystery did turn to me, looking for my agreement. I gave him a blur look, and nodded when he asked me. ;)

And so we head down to TMS, to kill sometime, our friend was not home yet at that time. We had about 2hours to kill then. At TMS, I dunno why, I felt much closer to Mystery.. I honestly dunno what had made me feel closer to him, but it seemed natural.

After his friends were done shopping, we all got hungry - AGAIN. So we decided to go BS for an early dinner. It was during this moment, that his friends started to hint on to us... I totally switched off. I pretended not to hear their questions and his answers. I looked away, running away, only because I was afraid. I dun wanna end up having high hopes again. I dun wanna prematurely jump into conclusion only to break my own heart, with the existence of my stupid emotions that rose from loneliness and high desire to settle down.

Why, I seriously dunno. This totally scare me.. It wasn't at all in my plan to get into this blurry and messy situation. I dunno why my heart feels jumpy. I dunno why after having jumpy heartbeat, I will have a gloomy slow beat. I dunno why, I just feel so scared, but at the same time, excited.

Anyways, after dinner, we went on to our friend's place to visit his father. Again, hints were thrown. Happy faces made others assume... Or was it genuine? I dunno... Was it really the truth? Is Mystery seriously more happier or was he just being the way he is? Or were his friends just disturbing him because of the rare occassion of him bringing a female friend along?

I switched off yet again, not wanting to hear. Running away, from setting high hopes.. I somehow know, I am not quite ready for this, although I've yearned for it for the longest time.

It's almost like, I wanna settle down, but not marry.. Or get married without having a boyfriend.. I dunno.. it's impossible. Therefore, I conclude that I am not ready.

Perhaps, I am just sick of being in a relationship and not settling. It's painful, you know. And kindda waste of time really... You get into a relationship - test it out.. Only to fail, and then move on.. Just how many times? How long? I dunno.. I just can't keep up with these many heartaches anymore.

Is there really someone out there made for me? Is there really someone out there who wants to be with me and really mean it? Will that someone then, just book me the proper way, if he genuinely love me? Because I dunno if I can commit without having a proper status, the right way. I need something more concrete than just a mere relationship.

I am a coward, I am just so afraid to lose. But I know, it's a lesson learnt from all the failures. And a lesson learnt is success in itself. Will the man meant for me come soon? I dunno...

Strange Feelings

Assalammu'alaikum my readers... I hope all of you have had a good day so far... 

I've been having strange feelings lately.. I took an afternoon nap from noon till about 6 in the evening. I felt so super duper drained out, in need to recuperate to regain the much energy lost from I dunno what I did the past week.  


I woke up with a text from Mr Nice Guy... This time, he compared himself with the retired King.. Sigh.. I really dunno what to say anymore.. I dun wanna give up. But I have nothing else in mind except give up. Speechless is the word... 


Sat down and spoke to my parents.. Of little things that I sometimes forget to ask.. I asked my mom of her kampung and its location.. It happens to be the same as fisherman's & biker's hometown.. I didn't know they all come from the small town, really.. What a small world, indeed eh?


I have been reflecting... And I figured, I should just stop bothering about what others has to say about me, because what matters most is what I think about myself. 

All those aside, I'm looking forward to many more days of a great year ahead... 2010, I'm ready for you... for the challenges that Allah has for me, I am ready...


Wassalam.

2010

Assalammu'alaikum my beloved readers. May the new year brings more joy and happiness, increase your wealth and improve your health. I spent my new year eve at my aunt's place at Bdk for my religious classes. Introductory itself has brought a lot of realization and opened up my mind. Mr Nice Guy kept messaging me accusing my blade expert to be the cause of my coldness towards him.. I simply give up... Honestly, why all these unnecessary angry, annoying & provoking... I dunno why I bothered to reply in the first place, when i knew nothing will change.. the blame game will always be on its repeat telecast... Anyways, i dunno how many times I have to repeat myself, that my blade expert has got nothing to do with my conversations with Mr Nice Guy, neither is he involved in any way. Mr Nice Guy, is still that someone I hoped and prayed will change for the better one day.. That will never change. What changed is within me. I stopped giving him anymore chances not because I dun have anymore feelings, but I stopped giving him anymore chances because I came to realize that nothing changed, in fact, he got worse with the amount of chances that I have given. That hurt me too much. Thus, I decide to just put it to a stop. As said before, enough is enough. As my sisters and children came over on the first day of 2010, I came to realize that a better year is ahead of me. I shall start afresh and new. I wanna upgrade and improve myself to be a better person. A good year is ahead. Dream big and have faith. Your dreams will come true - if not all or entirely, a tiny bit of it will come true. Looking forward to many tomorrows to come. May I be given the strength to go through all the challenges in life.... Wassalam.