No capacity to handle anymore...

I have been reading the past few days... And I find such calmness when I read the book... It gave me a different light, a different kind of calling that makes me drawn closer to it... It gives me a certain degree of lightness, some degree of contentment, and pushed me to commit more and better with each passing day. I have yet to expose this change to anyone, for this change is due to my own fear, my own desire, and my own closure. Perhaps, it will remain inside me, and within me, I dun need to show everyone, because of the same fear that I might disappoint some of them.

Ok, back to my reading.. As I read, I stumbled a few phrases that can be categorized as words of wisdom. With those words, I came to realize that there's so much greatness behind everything. Words that sometimes made me shiver because those same words that lifted me made me realize all the wrongs that I have done throught my life.. The words that I have said, the actions that I have done, and the things that I've been watching.. It scares me... And this fear somewhat felt more real than previous. And behind this fear, I find calmness - which sounded a little irony..

The book was a gift, I didn't pay much attention to it until recently... My heart seemed attracted, felt touched... Every night, I read a chapter, and as I read its words, fear enveloped me, and unknowingly, I started to sob and tears of fear and regret started pouring. It was scary.. Every word of it, seemed to make me realise that I have done so much sin, more that I thought, and I could never imagine anyone would forgive my doings, and I fear if the little room I had to change, would be closed or if it would be rejected because I was too late. I felt real fear, a fear that I have never felt before..

As this fear sets in, I felt glad, glad because I've come to realize my mistakes. Glad because I am still alive, and I can still try to eliminate them in future, and keep trying to be a better person. Glad because I still have my parents, and glad because I have my sisters.

Everything else seemed secondary to me - strangely.. The melody from my phone, did not seem to distract me at all, I checked only after I have finished my sentence with my parents, unlike before where I'd excuse myself, and prioritize the text being delivered to my phone..

This morning, I woke up calm, and contented, I headed for the toilet to wash up - Yes Wash Up. This time, I did not shiver, but I felt warm. Yes, I felt warm.. I felt loved, I felt ashamed though.. I am ashamed because I have failed to feel the warmth earlier. I am ashamed because I have done all the things that is not liked by anyone including myself. I am ashamed for being selfish.

I just hope everyone would be given the chance I had. And I wish all is well.

I am having a hard time trying to translate this phrase to English, so I guess I should keep it as it is in Malay.

"Untungnya manusia yg pangjang umur, bila makin panjang umurnya, makin beribadah. Dan ruginya manusia yg panjang umur, bila makin panjang umurnya, makin buruk akhlaknya."