So what do you want now?

A question I rather not answer because I know I can be screaming or put in on an hourly repeat telecast and still not get it the way I wanted it.. Thus I ended up asking, what's the point of me telling everyone what I want, when noone can ever get close to giving me what I want?

There's no point at all, as usual, I had to answer my own question. After not having anyone by my side when I need someone the most, after having to move on without having anyone at all to hear my woes and complains... I broke down. I broke down and slept drowned in my own tears. Alone and lonely.

People asked me to cheer up and just retake.. SO easy it sounded.. I ain't got what it takes to retake, not financially being the main reason. I have got insufficient moral support being the second. Everyone emphasize that I should get my car license, emphasized the importance, but noone bother to make it happen or tried supporting me when I failed, they just put on a shocked face, disappointed face, and then just disperse to move on with their other important things. I was once again alone, facing all the nasty things, fending myself from the brutal critics and what not. Fending my already broken heart to remain strong - alone.

I was in despair. And I dun feel like anyone truly cared. And so we ended up arguing again, hurting again, blaming again, and repeat everything again. Me screaming in distress, he screaming in distress, I cried in despair, he continues screaming in confusion, I continued screaming because I was sick of all these stupid things we do over and over and over again. He claims he wasnt good at talking face to face, I claimed I dislike talking over the phone. He claims he sacrificed and meet me regardless, I claimed I prefered not meeting because in the end this is what happens. He proclaims loudly that he SACRIFICED, and yet I didn't do my speech.. What's the point of me doing a speech to a tired face, body, and soul? I already told him it's ok if he's tired to meet and that we shall meet another day, and he assumed I'd be mad if he didn't meet me.

You think I'd be happy meeting a tired person who expects me to do my speech? I'm not. I rather we not meet for another month then to meet only to hear complains after. I'm not refering to his "I'm so tired.. work all day..." kindda complains. I'm referring to the complains after everything is over, when I am sick and tired of meeting but not getting things done - talking things out. Because he'll be telling me, "I sacrificed my sleep, I was tired and yet I still meet you, got appreciate that?" Well, bi.. I appreciate it that's why I dun bother talking to you about our stupid fights, and treated you nicely with hugs and kisses. Can I say you didn't appreciate me then?

Whilst I bear to hear girlfriends complaining not being able to meet their boyfriends for just a few days, I had to bear not meeting you for weeks. And still, I was not entitled to a day with you, without asking or begging for you to forgo what you could.. Just once a month.. That's what I asked.. You said you're busy.. Everyone else is busy too... I'm not asking for a meet up daily, neither did I ask you to meet me once a week. And whilst we don't meet often, I restrain from calling or texting you too much, can I then say you didn't appreciate me?

I know of some boyfriends who were practically forced with no options to spend 8hours everyday with his girlfriend, and yet not hear a word about him saying she's queen control although he was desperately gasping for air to breathe. I heard of boyfriends who beared with demanding girlfriends, who ordered him to buy her lunches, shoes, clothes and accessories among many other activities like movies every week, dinner at 5star hotels every month, and holiday every other month (everything paid for). And I had only asked you to meet me when you're free, fresh and not tired. To spend quality time that will end with us knowing each other better. To do something that we both enjoyed together- just the two of us- probably take some pictures to proudly post... But you just kept saying you're busy.. and so I waited and waited... Can I then say that you did not appreciate me? Can I?

I had too many hopes, that goes broken time and again.. Because you keep proving to me that we dunno anything about each other, neither are we trying to know each other, and so we kept hurting each other, assuming things that didn't happen..

We both ended up screaming, "DID I OR DID I NOT?" only to hear murmurs that replies, "No". So could you tell me what is wrong? Could you tell heads and tails of this problem we are facing? Could you?

It has been a year, Bi...

It's been a year since we first met, Bi...
And I start to wonder how many more years would come for us...
I wonder how the future would be... I wonder if we would still be together, bi...

Do you wonder too?
Or do you not, bi?
Do you hold any dreams of us, bi?
Have you ever have that little hope that we'd be together for eternity, bi?
Or do you just wished this is the sweetest dream that you can have, bi?

It's been a year, bi...
A year full of ups and downs...
Like every lover, I hope we can continue loving till the end...
But like every heart-broken lover, it pains me to hope too much...

Would you come, or would you not...
When you heard me falling...
And when you see me falling...
Would you think of how to catch me...
Or would you simply catch me regardless?

Need I say more?

so what?

so what? so what if you cancelled your track? it failed to matter because I had to ask. You didn't do it out of you own initiative or your own desire. You do it because it's a chore to face my nagging, and my crumpled face.

you dun love me as much as I wanted you to. so just forget me.... forget that you ruled my heart. because you're hurting it badly...

everything i do is queen control. for me to ask for your time is queen control. for me to ask you for a day just me and you to talk things out is queen control to you. in fact me calling you became queen control to you. everything i do is queen control to you. so just forget me...

you dun love me sincerely, neither did you feel my love. you feel obligated to love me, and you feel that i'm a burden to you. true you never said such things to me, but i felt it... yes i could feel that grudge.

thank you for the time that you loved me, and sorry for all the hurt that i have caused.

BUT just THIS TIME... and just this ONCE.. I shall accept your apology... Starting 1st July, I shall not bother about anything anymore. And if you give up, or failed as someone who said he loved me, in time to come... I shall just let it be, and won't put in double the effort just because you didnt put in any effort.

And if it caused us much sadness that might lead to a break up, I won't care anymore.. I mean it... and I won't even say or hint to you if you're failing, or if you're falling.. because I have no more energy to catch you, because I know if I were to try and catch you, I'd fall with noone to catch me....

Just when I am looking forward to it...

He texted me saying he'll meet me after track... Damn.. Of course he'll be complaining that he's tired.. and I'm less understanding..

I demanded him to give track a miss just this once.. he replied, no, and promised he wont complain..

What difference does it make? I still know he'll be tired, of which I then know I'll have only half his attention to what I have to say.. And he'll definitely be annoyed with the things that I say of which might have hurt him. So I told him to forget it..

Just just forget it.. If track is just the 1st in the list even when he knows that means he won't be meeting me again for another 2 weeks.. then be it.. I'm not giving in this time..

He knew he hasn't been there for me, and yet he still deliberately refuse to make time for me. So what's the point now? I am not going to strain my brain and think too much. I'm just going to forget my plans and just move on..

I've given you time last weekend to do your stuff... I did not continuously call or text you. And you too had forgotten about me, only searching for me the next day. And now, you just deliberately hurt me again... Is it really too much to ask for your time to dedicate for me just this once? Is it really too much to ask you to simply love me? If it is, then I beg you to just forget me, forget my love, and forget us... Because it has begun to hurt me to much to continue loving you who just dunno how to love me...

His Schedule for this week

Mon - PM
Tue - AM
Wed - PM
Thu - AM
Fri - PM
Sat - OFF
Sun - OFF

He promised to meet me on Sunday.. I had to asked so I could hold on to his words, and he texted me back"Promise, syg..." Haha..

I requested to meet in the afternoon... So... okay.. I can't hide it anymore.. I'm excited... and I'm looking forward to meeting him after what seemed forever since the last we met...

No capacity to handle anymore...

I have been reading the past few days... And I find such calmness when I read the book... It gave me a different light, a different kind of calling that makes me drawn closer to it... It gives me a certain degree of lightness, some degree of contentment, and pushed me to commit more and better with each passing day. I have yet to expose this change to anyone, for this change is due to my own fear, my own desire, and my own closure. Perhaps, it will remain inside me, and within me, I dun need to show everyone, because of the same fear that I might disappoint some of them.

Ok, back to my reading.. As I read, I stumbled a few phrases that can be categorized as words of wisdom. With those words, I came to realize that there's so much greatness behind everything. Words that sometimes made me shiver because those same words that lifted me made me realize all the wrongs that I have done throught my life.. The words that I have said, the actions that I have done, and the things that I've been watching.. It scares me... And this fear somewhat felt more real than previous. And behind this fear, I find calmness - which sounded a little irony..

The book was a gift, I didn't pay much attention to it until recently... My heart seemed attracted, felt touched... Every night, I read a chapter, and as I read its words, fear enveloped me, and unknowingly, I started to sob and tears of fear and regret started pouring. It was scary.. Every word of it, seemed to make me realise that I have done so much sin, more that I thought, and I could never imagine anyone would forgive my doings, and I fear if the little room I had to change, would be closed or if it would be rejected because I was too late. I felt real fear, a fear that I have never felt before..

As this fear sets in, I felt glad, glad because I've come to realize my mistakes. Glad because I am still alive, and I can still try to eliminate them in future, and keep trying to be a better person. Glad because I still have my parents, and glad because I have my sisters.

Everything else seemed secondary to me - strangely.. The melody from my phone, did not seem to distract me at all, I checked only after I have finished my sentence with my parents, unlike before where I'd excuse myself, and prioritize the text being delivered to my phone..

This morning, I woke up calm, and contented, I headed for the toilet to wash up - Yes Wash Up. This time, I did not shiver, but I felt warm. Yes, I felt warm.. I felt loved, I felt ashamed though.. I am ashamed because I have failed to feel the warmth earlier. I am ashamed because I have done all the things that is not liked by anyone including myself. I am ashamed for being selfish.

I just hope everyone would be given the chance I had. And I wish all is well.

I am having a hard time trying to translate this phrase to English, so I guess I should keep it as it is in Malay.

"Untungnya manusia yg pangjang umur, bila makin panjang umurnya, makin beribadah. Dan ruginya manusia yg panjang umur, bila makin panjang umurnya, makin buruk akhlaknya."

The King's Schedule for the week...

It chuckled me when he really did email me his schedule. Tot he'd just type out to me his shift... But he emailed me his real schedule..

Here goes..

Mon - OIL but was called in to work AM. Afterwhich he got VSC comp shoot.
Tue - PM
Wed - AM, afterwhich he got tactical training till 1730.
Thur - PM
Fri - AM
Sat - SL
Sun - OFF (standby call in) - He got soccer in the afternoon...

Hmm.. So where lies his free time to spend with me?

The Me I have becoming...

Yesterday, my reactions surprised me. Yesterday, it didn't go as planned, and yet I remained calm like nothing had happened.

Yesterday, it seemed like I've become someone that doesnt sound ordinary to me. Strange. It is..

I started to hate the idea of suggestions that won't make it to the truth now. I hate the idea of planning. I hate the idea of trying. I hate everything that is not sure.

So unless you are sure of doing something for me, don't you ever try to even think about it..

And strange as it is, I failed to care if I'll ever get to meet The King again. Perhaps, I just wanted him to try harder. Sometimes, The King just simply dun get it... And I guess, MEN will NEVER get what WOMEN want from them..

The meaning of what I said...

I said, "It's okay take your time". What I meant "Why so slow? Can hurry?"
I said, "I'm still waiting for you/something." What I meant "I'm getting impatient, can you speed up?"
I said, "No, it's okay" (when offered something/some help). What I meant, "Of course I need it, just force me to accepting it, I'm just being polite by declining"
I said, "Nothing.." (when asked if I'm okay). What I meant "Of course something's not right... Can't you find out? I mean, if you cared and know me well enough, you'd have known what's wrong"
I said, "I've forgiven you." What I meant the first time "I really have forgiven you" the second time "Ya, right~" third time "the next time you do it, I'm gonna do what you did to me back to you, twice the sin."
I said, "I just simply needed you." What I meant " I need you physically, mentally and spiritually. I mean, I really really need you."
I said, "Nvm, forget it all" What I meant "You better remember this, because it hurts me too much~"

So tell me what you mean when you said you'd call back... Because I never receive your call after you said that to me. And it happened ever so frequently.

Tempted Wishes

I'm so tempted to call KI last night.. I dunno why...

Perhaps, The King, has been too busy.. I was so tempted.. Especially after I called the King, and he seemed uninterested to talk to me (he just kept saying, "go to sleep") ... I felt so rejected and I felt such a huge urge to call KI..

I was so tempted.. And of all people, I was just tempted to call KI... I keyed in his number... And closed my eyes, not wanting to press the dial button... I was so close.. But I turn my urge down.. I can't bring myself to do it... No matter what it is that pushed me to call him up.. I just dunno...

Perhaps I was afraid, because I knew KI would come up with something to cheer me up, and that would just drastically change everything... Because I know one thing could easily lead to another.

Or maybe, I just miss being with someone who can talk to me about the "now" situation and the "future" situation more than the "past" situation. I wished it was easier to sit The King down and talk to him about everything, I wish The King would allow me to let everything out and have him to listen and understand me. I wish I wish I wish...

At his moment I really wish I was the girl 3 yrs ago, where nothing seeemed to matter or excite me much. I wish I was the girl 3 yrs ago, who could handle not meeting the person whom she was with for many weeks, and yet not be angry, unloved, or rejected. Sometimes, I just wish The King could handle me like how WV handled me.

And sometimes I wish The King could be how WV is, talking to me and sharing me his stories, his opinions, his views... and have a laugh together. I wish The King could cheer me up like how WV does.. He knows what could chuckle me even when I was crying..

All these wishes, I wish I didnt wish too hard.. Because I know The King would look at how I prefered other men, than him, instead of the fact that I stayed loyal to him despite the many obstacles, challenges and temptations that come by.

I know The King would simply emphasize or assume that he's not good enough for me... I know The King would only see the bad things, despite him asking me to look at the good side of things.. But the fact is, he's just too good for me, and that's the only reason why I'm still holding on to him, and staying loyal to him.. I doubt he'd see it this way.. Because he's afterall "Just a Boy" and I am "Just a Girl".

Sometimes, I start to think that he's not intending to make me his wife.. Because if he does, he wouldnt share me... Because if he does, he'd only want the best for me in the most decent ways... I am just starting to doubt so much because he's so far away from me... and I'm just starting to drift apart... I hate this lonely feeling, and I hate being tempted to stray away...

I just wished The King could clear my doubts, and I simply wished The King could give me an answer to my irritating doubtful questions.. My empty mind needs positive eons, my body goes without a soul, my heart beats without love... Could he fill them up??

Frustrated, Exhausted, and Upset...

I asked for a day to spend quality time together, where we can sit down, go through the list and talk things out.. He asked me to plan it out...

Like as if my plan ever work. I planned out his next off day.. And what did he say? He got committee meeting... So what's the point of asking me to plan? He might as well plan it all since he knows his schedule well...

I still doubt he has done the list... He's still probably sitting on it still... Afterall the list is proven to be unimportant. Some kind of a useless piece of shit, perhaps...

I'm frustrated of planning something that wont happen, I am exhausted of asking and waiting for something that wont happen, and I'm truly upset that nothing is working...

2 weeks on not meeting, to be prolonged for another 2 weeks.. And soon, we wont be meeting at all, I guess.. Everything has failed to matter...

And soon the list will be forgotten, and soon we'd have an argument again.. being misunderstood time and again... And yet, the list is still left undone.... Ain't I just a fool for expecting it to happen....

I am always the fool at the end of the day.. Always the one being broken time and again. Always being the one at fault time and again.. Always the one who'd lose everything time and again....

Love hasnt been on my side since my failure, and it seems like love wont be siding me anytime soon either... Or perhaps love has just given up on me...

MEN JUST WONT GET WHAT WOMEN WANT...

HOW TRUE... MEN JUST WONT UNDERSTAND THAT ALL WE WOMEN WANT IS QUALITY TIME SPENT TALKING ABOUT EACH OTHER, OUR GOOD THINGS BEFORE OUR BAD, OUR GREAT QUALITIES BEFORE OUR FLAWS, AND HOW TO MAKE EACH OTHER BE A BETTER PERSON, AND HOW WE CAN CONTINUE TO LOVE EACH OTHER INSTEAD OF CONTINUALLY HURT EACH OTHER.

WE DUN MEET FOR FUN, OH OF COURSE WE MEET BECAUSE WE MISS YOU, BUT THATS NOT THE ONLY REASON, WE WANT MORE OF YOU, TO KNOW MORE OF YOU, SO WE CAN LOVE YOU MORE. WE ALSO WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND US AND STOP HURTING US. CANT MEN JUST GET IT?

WE DUN MEET JUST TO SPEND YOUR MOOLAH, WE DUN NEED IT BECAUSE WE KNOW WE CAN FIND OUR OWN MOOLAH, YES WE COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT HAVING ENOUGH MOOLAH TO SATISFY OUR ENDLESS DEBTS BEFORE OUR SHOPPING DESIRE. BUT WE DUN WANT MOOLAH TO BE SPLASHED AT US BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW NOTHING COMES FREE.

WHY CANT MEN JUST PLACE SOME PRIORITY ON WHAT CAN HELP OUR RELATIONSHIPS? WHY MUST MEN ALWAYS PLACE PRIORITY ON ALL THE WRONG PLACES? WE NEED SECURITY, WE NEED COMPANIONSHIP, WE NEED FRIENDS, WE NEED A SHOULDER TO CRY ON, WE NEED ARMS THAT WOULD HUG US, WE NEED SINCERE KISSES, WE NEED YOU... BUT ALL YOU COULD THINK OF IS SOMETHING THAT SATISFY YOU.

AND YOU KEPT COMPLAINING ABOUT THE INSUFFICIENT FREEDOM, AND WHEN WE GAVE THE FREEDOM, YOU JUST GO ABOUT FORGETTING THE BASICS OF A RELATIONSHIP. NO INFORMATION SHARING, NO NEWS, NO TEXT, NO CALLS, AND WHEN WE TEXT AND CALL, YOU SAID WE DUN TRUST YOU. THE FACT IS WE WANT TO TRUST YOU AND WANT TO KNOW HOW YOU'RE DOING AND WHAT YOU'RE DOING SO BUSY ALL THE TIME. WE WANT TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU BECAUSE WE CARE.

ALL I ASK WAS A LIST OF THINGS THAT PLEASE YOU AND WHAT HURTS YOU, SO I CAN WORK ON MY FLAWS, AND SO I COULD EXPLAIN MY REACTIONS. BUT YOU KEPT HOLDING THAT TILL END OF THE DAY WHERE NO TIME IS LEFT, AND SO YOU PUT IT UP FOR TOMORROW, AND ANOTHER TOMORROW.

SO WHERE LIES OUR IMPORTANCE IS YOUR LIFE? WHERE LIES THE PROMISES THAT YOU WOULD ALWAYS CARE AND BE THERE FOR ME? WHERE LIES THE SWEET WORDS YOU SAID TO ME THAT I MEAN THE WHOLE WORLD TO YOU? TELL ME, MEN, WHERE DO WE, WOMEN, STAND IN YOUR LIFE?