When love becomes irritable...

Voices that raises and lead to violence. I heard it almost every other night.. No use for me to step in and stop for it only increase its activity.

Noone knows how much hurt it has cost, or how many tears are being squeezed out these eyeballs..

Volume on the radio increases to deafened up those voices.. Yet their harsh words remains ringing in my ears..

Even if I were to tell my story.. What benefit will it bring? It's about them, about my circle, about something so personal, noone can ever relate to...

I swear upon my life that no child after me shall go through any of these.. The hurt beneath simply never get cured or can ever be healed.. It just opens up old wounds and make it deeper...
For eternity these will go on, even death won't separate the pain caused..

One step closer...

I am a step closer and yet still a step further.. Excited.. But I have to wait..

Patience is virtue..

I will wait and I will emerge with a brand new person along with a brand new something.. Hee...

I am thrilled and unable to hold the pre-excitement any longer... Ahhh.. so close yet so far..

A huge boo-boo

What do you do when everything goes boo-boo at you? What do you do when the only thing that has the highest chance of making you smile again turn its back at you?

What do you do when you're given one chance to prove yourself and blew it all up in front of everyone?

I tried to laugh at myself... but couldn't.. I tried to console myself but failed... I simply let others mock at my stupidity.. It is just my luck, I guess..

I feel like punching my own face till it's beyond recognition sometimes...

This week is CRAP.. It's gone goner...

Boo sama dia, BOO! Boo ramai-ramai... BOO!

Boo hoo...

I wish you knew

Sometimes, I wished you knew...

Losing it all

Today was major.. I felt crap, I felt like I have cheated people, but feel cheated all at the same time, I felt like I've lost it all..

Watched ROCK in the afternoon after my self practice. I suddenly felt like there is more to life than just what I've had and experienced. There was more to everything that goes round.

Then I met Sharmie, today marks the first time, we walked separate ways, not feeling any better than when we first met eyes... It was an all out thoughts that run wild, of things that have affected us unknowingly, that the strong person on the outside is merely on the outside, that the fact was that we are not as strong as we thought we are, that we are breakable... We had just over estimated each other. Or maybe, we are just depressed, that some things just didnt go our way, and someone out there is just making it happen and have exactly what we wanted all this while, without even going through the hardache we went through.

It hurts, and at some point, we both almost let a tear down, but being a soul with a heart, we couldnt bring ourselves to break down in front of each other, we just smiled, stood up, and walked... And speak again... Just to remind ourselves that anything we say, however we say it, will only lead to a "then again" and the next sentence would be the first sentence that start the conversation. I left it..

I am still losing it.. I start to think of death, of how it will be when the time is up, and you are still not done with the things you wanted done for the benefit of the ones still living... What if, at this moment, I just collapse and die, with noone by my side, only to be noticed the next morning, when my body is stiff and hard? What if, I die, and noone cares? What if, one day... when you made it, the first billion and died.. Would your family and friends be there for my kind soul, or are they there for my money?

What will I do, if my closest being dies? Will I be able to stand firm and reassure the rest that everything will go fine? Will I be able to lead the rest to be calm and get over it? Will I be able to be there for them, will I be able to meet their expectations, or will I just break their hearts again, by breaking down?

Sometimes, I really think that noone cares about me as much as I would care for them.. Sometimes, I think there isnt much a purpose to live my ass off... Sometimes, I think I'm just here to be a toy for people around me to have something to play with.. To just put me on the shelf and admire, then to get to the next doll and play with it..

My head's heavy, too much on my mind.. I'm beyond losing everything.. I'm driving myself insane and into my very own grave.. I am.. I really am...

To think that noone can put down the fire inside me.. it was so very wrong... A small gush of wind, that's all it takes..

I am afterall, just another girl.. JUST another female being.. Another heartache, another grief, another burden... I am JUST me.. A piece of something in something.

Throwing myself away...

I find love....

JMY, you find love in a Secret Crush

You love the crush. It's that simple. Butterflies in the stomach, blushing when they walk in the room, coming up with plausible excuses to talk to them — it's the whole fantasy that appeals to you. Maybe you like having a secret and admiring someone from afar, or perhaps you're just shy when it comes to matters of the heart. But underneath all the cloak and dagger stuff, we wouldn't be surprised if there's a passion for all things mushy and gushy. Maybe that's part of your secret too.

In or out of a relationship, you like the idea of the ideal. That's what can make it so hard to take the first step to make a crush something more — you don't want to burst that bubble. But how do you know what will happen if you don't try? Maybe some secrets aren't supposed to stay that way.

-EnD-

Circuit Evaluation...

First trial was bad.. Hit the cone at the phlom, so immediate failure, then few other, like bad formation, wobble, wide turning, etc. Points accumulated excluding failure is 14pts, still fail..

Second trial was more cautious, failed to check traffic, wobble, and incorrect technique at e-brake. Accumulated... 8 pts! Hee.. I passed! Yahooo..

Applying for my PDL tomorrow, then will try book up for prac on Monday or something.. hee...

That all for today.. Hee. Am so excited.. hee..

Am BIG on Appetite...

Yes, since the last I smoked (my third day today), I have grown a huge appetite. I get really hungry almost every 2 hours. I ended up eating 4 semi-huge meals each day. Usually, small breakfast, huge lunch, and 2 servings for dinner.. And sometimes, I will wake up in the middle of the night hungry, only to go on my search in the kitchen for left overs before going back to sleep.

I think I better go for my shower, and get ready for another hunger call.. Hee..

See ya around.

Refusal to Understand

There're days, just too many, when I just refuse to understand myself. I refuse to speak and deliver the same language frequency.

Sometimes, I don't understand why I feel all queer. My feelings are different from that of my emotions. I can't even make out the difference, but they just don't tally..

Most days, I'll go laughing at my bruises. Some days, I go boo hoo and question myself why it happened and start blaming it all to myself..

NLA is off on her flight to Germany.. How lucky, how nice, how perfect her life is.. I just can't help but envy..

I think I've written something about this other collegue who is such a dumb dumb.. Well, I came up with a list...

Why the stupid idiotic collegue is stupid, illogical and an idiot :

She...

1) claims that she went to scan her two month bulging tummy and can see its little features.

2) she's stupidly stupid.

3) claims that she can feel its little feet kicking her bulging tummy.

4) she don't even know what she's talking about.

5) loudly announce to the office that she's going for an abortion.

6) she's shamelessly claims that her husband was in love with her at the first sight of her oversized butt.

7) asked NLA if the nurse will show her the aborted blood clot in her bulging tummy.

6) talks too much of personal and private things of herself that noone is or will ever be interested in.

7) she loudly speaks on the phone about retaking her 'N's (and she claims to NLA and I that she got top positions in class, yada yada yada)

8) complains about her own stupidity and mistakes.

9) she once told me, she visited a friend's father, and opposite his bed was a woman who has just delivered a premature baby..

10) she thinks of herself as well-liked, when everyone around her has one too many complaints about her.

Now, tell me.. is there anyone worst than her?

Oh well.. I have to say this : Thank God, she stops talking to me..

Why? Did I hear someone asking me why?

Ha.. Easy task that one. I just spot her stupidity on one of her stupid conversations, and left her trying to explain herself while I continue a constructive conversation with NLA.

Oh yes... I almost forgot.. I've an increment... yahooooo.. I can go sleep now.. Aaahhh..

Sweet dreams.

When being Stupid is no longer Funny...

I have a 3/4 stupid day today.. Must be due to the amount of food I had during lunch.. I couldn't budge from my seat, next my mind wasnt at work.. Start doing stupid mistakes at work...

Went over my sister's place, feel stupid and invisible... I left at 1915 to head down to my self practice.. By this time, I was much stupider and there's no turning back. I attempted to do the S Course, became a sore loser.. Crank course is okay, then the right turn, still okay.. Now time for the plank, i became an idiot, fell off, the shalom... no comment... off I go to up the slope again, and down, right foot down, feel like killing myself... There's so many things that I do in the circuit that will lead to me having immediate failures.. Oh, did the e-brake, i keep skidding the front tyres, without falling, still feel stupid..

Second attempt for the S course, better but still did like a perfect idiot, I was wobbling like jelly on the plank and almost hit the cones at shalom, It was shit throughout.. I am tellin ya.. I am such a stupid fool today.. Darn..

Got home, and ate again, and indeed a little too much, so I probably will wake up a little stupider than I already am.. Oh well, just hope my stupidity will make some people happy and entertained, for their smiles and laughter determines how my day will be..

Maybe, the fact that Germany lost to Italy has something to do with my performance today.. Oh well.. Better luck in 2010 Germany!

Signed in Stupid, left as an Idiot..

Night.

Taking a ride.....

WV picked me up today with a bright yellow small little car.. Hee...

His poor friend at the back... Went to Ubi to get his friend's bike fixed, he is the mechanic... When all is fine, we left his friend there to ride his bike home.. Then we drove around for awhile, went to get some MCDees.. Then we go driving again...

He kept exitting at the wrong places.. I guess I was too much of a distraction..

Then he sent me home. I was home by 9...

Oh.. WV knows my favorite uncle quite well.. Sets me thinking sometimes.... Maybe it's him.. Then again, maybe not..

Oh well, let's just leave it.

Then, Edy asked me to follow him and gang to Sepang in September to watch MotoGP.. And yes yes I will go with it.. Need to save up now!

Am going out of Singapore every month from September onwards.. Hee..

November if all goes well, I'll go with my gfs to Thailand, and I'll go on my own dare to travel alone in December, I'm starting with either Genting or Cameron first.. hee.. Subsequently, it'd get further away..

K9's health is improving or so he says..

Nothing from MA, maybe it's fun at school or maybe not.

Mr said all letters are sorted out, and I will need to mail his letters up to Rotterdam... It'd cost me a little gem... But oh well, have to GET IT OVER WITH..

Parents are doing well.. Happy that I've been coming home before 9 lately..

Sharmie called me last night.. Spoke for awhile, then she got another line to attend to.. She's sick too.. Got the flu I think..

NLA on MC today, got herself stomach virus.. Then she's gonna be away whole of next week.. She's going to Germany.. How nice how nice.. I envy her... Darn..

Me? Still the same.. SP tomorrow.. Kindda excited..

The call...

The person who said is my Guru.. it happens to be BBDC.. I had to laugh my head off for freaking myself out for no reason.

Reason why they called? Ha! B'cos I scanned in my name, got my attendance taken, and then dissappeared.. Since I'm covered under their insurance they are afraid if something happened to me.. Ha!

Anyway, I'm going intense for my Circuit Evaluation. Going to go for 2 self practices. Booked them all already. One on Wednesday, another on Monday then my Evaluation on Friday.. Hope to passed at one go. So am crossing my fingers all week.. hee..

Time for an update.. Nothing much about me, so let me see what my friends are up to..

WV is picking me up tomorrow... He asked me to do up his resume..

K9 is getting well.. Hope he regain his full health as soon as possible..

MA's first day of school today..

NLA got a ride from her gf who bought her own car...

Mr hasn't returned my mail.. Dunno what to do about his letters...

Okay, now I remember what I did today.. Hee..

I finished work at about 6, head to the train, went to ask the optician to repair my specs.. He said he's gonna take half to an hour, so I left my mobile number so that he can call once it's all done.. I got home.. Then dad came after, all shocked to see me in my room.. haa..

Funny how parents always react, they nagged when I got home late, they are shocked and would asked why I'm home early if I am sitting at home before them.. Oh well..

Oh, my hair's browner and has got more volume (more curls, I think).

I miss Sharmie... She didn't return my texts, didn't call me.. Wonder what's wrong.. or maybe her Prepaid ran out of money.. Oh well..

Gotta sleep now..

Gute Nacht!

Mom knew...

Mom have found out about my riding! Hee.. I think my dad just let the cat out for one reason or another, she seemed okay.. She hasn't nagged at me, but have sighed her worries to my aunt when she went over to my sister's house.. Haa...

Alas, I don't need to go on hiding.. Hee..

The previous post has been editted to protect the safety and privacy of the unnamed species. Or maybe, like my mom says, don't let others know too much.

By the way, I've been getting prank calls lately. That person even called my house and asked for me. Strangely, it only will happen when I cannot answer the calls, i.e,he calls home i'm not at home, calls my mobile when I'm doing my prac, or was in the toilet.. And he won't call again when I returned to my phone. Strange..

This guy apparently said he's GURU... Dunno what the freaking bit he meant by that for I don't have any sort of GURUs, apart from my parents. He has both my home and my mobile. Texted WV, just in case it was him playing tricks.. But it wasnt him.. Don't know any other clowns who would go to that extent.. His number that appear on my mobile even has resemblance to some satanic numerics.. It's scary sometimes, but what the heck?! It's Singapore, if it gets too bad, I can always report it up and have some kind of PPO or something along that line.

Oh, one thing that made me happy today.. MY hair is curlier than usual today.. It appeared really nice.. I'm attracted to my own hair.. hee.. So gorgeous... hee..

I need to get my Yearly Planner!! Urgh.. Time's running OUT.. 5 more Wednesdays to go...

Can't wait.. =D

Dum di dum...

My relatives have been bugging me the question..

I have yet to give them my answers.. So let's see..

Mom asked if I have my own personal choice of men, said I don't coz I've lost interest since very long ago.. I said, I'd rather go with her choice since I've had always go against her...

Life is getting a little more intriging.. Am still wondering who was the first person to have pushed the topic up...

I don't know.. Just now when I attended my second cousin's wedding, my uncle asked, "Don't you wanna have your own kids?" out of the blue just like that.. I answered without thinking twice, "Yes I do, but who's going to be the Father?"

And he left it there. Maybe he has just the Man.. I don't know.. Let's just see eh...