Time has come.....

It's the time of the year, when I gave too much and receive none... It hurts... It really does..

I can't even do what I need to do... Aint even enough to pay my school fees.. And it truly sucks the hell out of my back bone... Anyone with a special vacancy that can provide me a few hundred dollars once the job is complete?

This month is truly such a pain in my arse... Isnt enough with the stress and commitment at work, i now have to deal with 3 weeks of torment of not having enough for anything at all. No going out, unless someone gives me a lift to and fro, no purchase can be done no more... Nothing... None..

I just hope people learn how to pay debts on time.. I hate those who gives hope but fail to perform.. I just have had enough.. I truly have...

To all Muslims

Selamat Hari Raya.... Maaf Zahir dan Batin...

I went to Geylang.. after many many years of absence... Still the same as ever... Went with LN, met my other cuzzy with a cheena boy.. Huhu... the last I went, I caught my other cuzzy with his blonde hair.. And so, I went to Geylang just to spot my long lost cuzzies...

Wanted to do an exchange of vcd, but the shop was no longer there.. Bugger! But, a good walk I had.. And LN was half the time holding me to prevent people from banging the almost invincible me... Oh dear... Time to quit and gain..

Crappy entry this one, but am too tired to think.. Anyways, thanks to those who had wished me, to name some, Mid'K'night, Telletubby, Bhavani, WV, MA, Sharmie, and if I had missed out your names, please forgive me. I've been keeping this habit of keeping my sms mailbox empty for past month.. So, I have lesser memories to recall..

Ah... Tomorrow is such a drag... Can I just hide under my bed?

Anyway, Have a happy Holiday~~

To all Hindus

I would like to wish all Happy Diwali.. i know two minutes too late.. But still, Happy Holidays to those who took a Monday and Wednesday leave.. Unlike me.. a workaholic like always, working through the holidays, but someone I know is working despite the public holidays..

Oh well.... I cant wait for the gf reunion!!! Ooooo.. I love girls.. I do, I do!!

When a hand hits you....

When a hand came and hit the back of my head, I stared at the monster.. When a hand tried to slapped me, I defended annoyed, and just lock myself in my room..

Why couldnt the hand understand that I'm tired after the long day? Why couldnt the hand appreciate my return and not question the time of my return? Why couldnt the hand see that what matters is my safety and condition when I return and not how and when I return?

I hate the hand, but can't leave... I hate the hand, but without that very hand, I won't be here now typing this out..

I need to get my own crib...

I am a schizo~~

MG reckons I am a schizo.. And it must be true..

Schizo is a medical term for split personalities.. Just so you know..

Anyone know who to see for such a medical condition? The therapist? How much would it cost? Must be really expensive..

But, I dont think I want to cure this illness I have, I enjoy having one too many personalities in me. Kindda spice things up every now and then.

Oh, PSI read 150 yesterday at 9pm and has gone down to 27 this morning. Hope it stays that way, coz the high PSI will make my eyes go red, wattery and my nose filled with mucus, and my throat filled with flemn. Disgusting~ I know.. That's what haze does to me.

For once, in this week, I'm writing as who I am, or am I not? Hmm.. Oh well..

Trembles from my lips...

Can you feel the trembles within my body,
In fear of being caught, in fear of being seen,
Can't you see my knees go weak when you're near?
In fear of being touched, in fear of being loved.

My lips trembles as I speak,
But words refuse to form up,
You left me standing so weak,
As I tried to gather my strength up.

I hugged myself,
In attempts of feeling warm,
I kissed my knees,
In attempts of feeling loved.

I looked ahead,
Watching you smile,
And here I am,
Trembling again in fear.

Why do you make it so hard for me? I couldnt do much about this freak feeling I have of you.. And all you did was being like how we used to be, after so much that I've given and endured... You simply want me to forgive and forget?

This pain you caused, honey... It just couldnt be forgiven and forgotten in a snap of your fingers. I hated the sight of you as you've caused so much destruction in my life. I hated the sound of your name being mentioned. I just hated everything that has got anything to do with you. I almost splashed acid on your friends' face when he asked me about you.

There's no returning back, so can you please stay out of my life, now and forever and even in my next life. I simply don't wish to deal with you again for the rest of life. You're ruined. You know that!

And just a moment ago, I felt the same trembles from my lips.. But of a different kind.. I felt vibrant, energised.. I wanted to run to that man, but I know I wouldnt find the words and actions to do when I finally met his eyes in reunion. I wanted to just go up to him and smile, but I knew I wouldnt be able to find the answers if he asked. So, I stayed here in my crib.

Only to imagine what it would be when I finally have him in my arms, and him hugging me back warmly and lovingly. And how I would close my eyes, and hugged him tighter and wishing to never let go... Ah...

Dreams are dreams, and dreams ought to come true... Sometimes I wonder, if this feelings are for real, or maybe it's just an illusion... I don't quite know, but I do like the feeling.. It's like I'm winning a race of some kind... And it seems like people are cheering along...

The love and need in one's eye...

Can't you see the beauty behind those eyes?
Did you fail to capture the heartbeat beneath her chest?
Can't you hear the whisper of her voice saying your name?
Did you fail again to listen to her longing desire to be with you?

Oh how I wish, I could meet her needs...
But it's you she wants, it's you she cried for..
Oh how I yearned, to see her tears dry...
But it's only you who can make her stop...

It's been a long time... since I last knew of the real meaning of love.. So long, that I've forgotten how it is to love and to fall in love.. I forgot how to shower my love... It's strange how I can be with someone who's never around physically... It hurts, when you think of that person, and it hurts more to forget that person.

It's strange how easily I fall in another's trap, to provide and shower my all only to get their backs turned to me. It's strange how hard it is, to convince myself the truth of love from someone sincere, and yet fall weak at someone sly...

Why have I failed to see the truth in her eyes?
Why have I failed to hear her pleas for me to stay?
Why have you failed to stop my tears and pain?
Why have you failed to say those words in love?

The beauty in her face was clearly not an illusion,
The sweet touch of romance in her mind was never a lie,
Yet, you see her as another woman - just another female,
Yet, you hear her sincerity just as another musical...

Boy, I had to say... You had managed to capture her heartbeat to whisper your name in every beat... But, I had say.. You had also broken it to million pieces... I couldnt mend it, nobody can.. It was beyond destruction..

Till now, she questions me... What is love? And I couldnt find any words anymore.. For what I say was beyond my experience... for I, myself have failed to be in touch with love... Neither could I separate love from lust or vice..

Till now, she questions me... And till now, I havent found an answer...

You left me a kiss, a night, and another...
Just to leave and never return...
Am I to still be here when you return,
Or am I to leave and move on?

When the worst case is the best case....

I dunno about the rest of you, but I always have the worst case scenario playing in my mind in whatever I do. The list of consequences if the player does the play and when the player screw the play.

Often, we end up screwing up the whole directing part by being neglectful of what is happening, what is due and what is coming. Sometimes, there isnt much choice but to carry out the worst case, but you seemed to be able to do it just as perfectly unexpectedly only to wonder how you did it the next day.

I am sometimes drawn to go against the tide, to do what is forbidden became a habit for me. The more someone reckons and pushes me not to do it, the more likely it became to see me doing just the thing within the next hour or less.

My mind is wandering off my topic now.. She has gone to search for Mid'K'night.. of the things he is up to and what he is thinking right at this moment.. Wondering of his mysteriousness... Mid'K'night is someone, noone can truly understand, his thoughts are deep as his actions speak, someone who is just vastly different from the rest of the world, definitely someone who is drawn to risk, thinks like a poet, playing with words that sets the mind games going, who is humble and silent, noone truly knows who he is.... I havent quite figure him... not intending to, as I am pretty much addicted to his code of language, that leaves me wanting more than I can dream of.. and still, stay out of the way...

Ah... I guess I should stop thinking of him too much now.. It hurts sometimes.. He's forever busy anyway.. I shouldn't disturb him.. But I can't help but to whisper his name in my thoughts and when I see his smile right before my eyes.

WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!

When work collides with school....

Yeah, school has started.. 4th week of school has just ended.. And next week will be the revision week, then tests and quizzes will start pumping..

I had so much in my mind today... Those old times seems to take a crash course on me... I started recalling how Mr had been so much help... I recalled at how much we have hurdled... The amount of secrets shared, and everything else.. Of how much I really am forever thankful for, his sincerity, his pureness to help, his care and his concern, his will to motivate me... everything... And how fortunate his wife to have him now...

And now, it seems that I've grown more lonelier than ever before... It seems like there's truly noone out there who truly cares.. Yeah yeah.. Am in one of those moods again..

Now, my relationship life is in a total mess.. There's no real person in my life whom I can truly hold on to, calling him mine, or to be totally sure that he'll be there for me when I truly needed him most.. It seems that everyone is here for a ride.. They come and go as they please, or maybe it's me having them as and when I wish..

However it may appear, deep down inside, I truly am in need of someone real.. Someone who doesnt necessarily require or need to commit, but someone whom I can hold on to and depend on. Someone whom I can talk my feelings out with no boundary, someone whom I can dream with, someone who would guide me to the light when I'm in the dark..

It's strange that all the people I am attracted to is walking away from my world, and people whom I am avoiding is attracted to my dark world. And how every other guy thinks I'm too good for them and the rest thinks I aint worth to be with them..

Today, as I got into the bus after my night classes... I got myself into my small little dark world, unaware of what is around me, unwarned about what is due to me.... I sat alone, in the dark... Feeling so much in need, yet helpless.. Recalling the names of all the people that I wanted so much but have not.. and of those names that I once had but appreciate not... and of those names, that was once in my life but no longer is.

I was still my own little dark dark world now, and I see no light within. Simply sat alone, waiting for a hand to reach me. Someone who can truly understand my plight, and whom can relate to my experiences. Someone who would make me stop my nuisance and be a proper lady. Someone who'd be there to listen when I need to talk, and someone who would talk when I want to listen...

Oh where are thou, mysterious love?

Saviour me from this desirable torture, and enlightened me out of this loneliness...