I hate it when Momma's angry...

MY MISTAKE, I ADMIT... Stop being angry at me.. Stop shouting at me over the phone.. Just stop doing that... Yeah... I do need some reminders.. But not in this angry form... I need you to believe in me, Mama.. I need you to have confidence in me... I need you to be there supporting my rights.. Not your screamings.. Not your scoldings... I need you concern, your love.... Not your anger...

I got my ass home, not a word being exchanged between us.. I felt guilt, Ma.. Very guilty.. I was a little angry.. But I was lost.. I needed your love more than anything.. I felt the sudden urge of need to hug you.. But Mama... You're too angry.. You didn't even wanna look at my face..

I had too many things on my mind.. About money, about my current job, about my upcoming interviews, about my future, about money, about bills, about my life, about my interest, about my future further studies, about money, about friends, about someone, about you, about money, about my current position, about us, about Dad, about you, about me, about money, about bills, about my needs, about your needs, about everything, Ma... I think about everything.. But Ma, I couldn't come with a solution until you believe in me.. Until you have the confidence in me.. Until you learn how to back me up...

Please, Ma.. Please forgive me.. I should have known you well enough now.. I shouldn't have made you angry.. I should have been home earlier than schedule and not just on time.. Mama.. I'm sorry... Please don't stay angry with me....

Such a pain....

Such a pain to be the person you are.. Really.. It is..

I have got a diploma and here I am working at some 24hr retail shop doing a 8hr, 12hr and even 14hr shift for some $300 salary.. Wtf?!?!?!

I should get 10times that pay.. Working somewhere much much more challenging... Going for interview after that 8hr shift, it makes me look so drained, so unenergized..

Then I was queueing up to pay my bills and bid goodbye to my last $300 that I've got after those 100hrs long service. WTH?!?!?!

Met Sharmie and Sara just now.. Sara, I envy him.. I really do.. He's 26, with an established career, having lots of money, had a car, planning to buy a new one.. Could spend all he wants, not smoking, not drinking.. Nice guy, nice personality, funny.. All that you can grab..

And Sharmie and I with diplomas, struggling to get a proper job that pays.. Having bills to pay with no stable pay to ease the chore, with parents to support, with studies in mind.. I just hate to think too much sometimes..

But most time, I just can't help but to envy others who had it smooth..

Then again, I'm glad I been through what I've been through..

**Back to normal self**

Ah.. I love myself.. but I hate the image I see in the mirror... HOW?

Marfu'ah is 11 today!!!

Yeay... Congrats my love one... You're Eleven already.. So here's a birthday song for ya... Happy Birthday To You... Happy Birthday To You... Happy Birthday to Marfu'ah.. Happy Birthday To You.. Love you lots, darling..

Today was rather quite a long but great day... I had to go through a bit of a drag in the morning.. Then met up with MIBI and MA... MA is MIBI's friend whom I've just known like yesterday.. But we've clicked.. Kindda natural for me, as I just love meeting and knowing new people..

Supposed to meet at CH at 2pm.. but being the metrosexual guys.. They were LATE!! Mind you! 40minutes LATE... And I was there from 1230pm.. What a WAIT....

Anyways.. bought the watch I've been eyeing.. Paid my internet bill.. Such a pain in the arse.. Oh.. Speaking of which.. I'm selling off my computer @ $1200.. Any takers? Tag me or email me, I'd reply with the specs.. Basically it's P4 with XP Pro.. 512MB RAM with 17inch LCD Monitor..

I will be buying a laptop with that $1200 that I get, and will be using Wireless Broadband.. Then I would be bringing my lappie to most of the places I will be going to surf for FREE.. Hee hee.. SO Singaporean of me.. I know.. Geezz...

Okay.. back to the metrosexual guys.. They were late, I was kindda hungry, so somehow we ended at LJS but after sitting for like 10minutes... We decided to go to FUNAN to survey out for my lappie.. Then we walked to SLS, to survey more.. Then we went to BK to eat.. Then we walked.. and we walked.. and I was constantly on MIBI's edge.. haha.. And poor MA had to stand in between us. Haha.. Sorry dude.. but some things can be helped.. That BABAT too tempting.. hehehe..

We kindda searched for a job.. And we found a few vacancies.. We stopped at least thrice to come up with a plan without the solid big plan.. And we kindda wasted a lot of time standing and thinking and not coming up with anything.. Geez.. But it was a great day afterall.. Nice..

I will be working a lot the next few days.. But all afternoon shifts.. Hehe.. Yahoo~~~

Outta here... Read more later~

The more, the less...

The more I do something, the lesser I get.. Sometimes, less is more.. and vice versa.. Life is just as complicated..

I went out with MIBI again today.. Spent great time together.. Like always... Towards the end, I kindda lectured him.. My intention was to advice and give him my honest opinion... Hope he listens and learn from what I've told him and the examples I gave him..

It's true that it's usually hard to fall for your own friend... But is it really that impossible? Honestly, I've seen a few friends to are friends who basically hate each other but end up falling in love and is just deeply in love and still is wrapped with love to this very second. So is it really impossible for two friends to suddenly fall in love? Maybe unintentionally..

But nah.. Won't fall for MIBI, he is just not the type I'd really want.. Not exactly the image of my dream man.. And neither am I any close to being the Ms Right in his mind..

I might however, give him a second look if he change some things, that I am quite sure he won't for life. Maybe would if he IS the LAST man alive that's left for me.. But I think they're plenty of men to choose from.. Is there? Or is there not?

Alright.. Enough of thinking.. Gotta sleep.. Good night!

Workshop @ Grassroots' Club

I went for the workshop today.. It was great fun. Great time being a mystery shopper, and doing the role-playing... Fun learning to sell to all the different types of customers.. I can now distinguish the different types of customers the next time I encounter them for sure.

I discovered the love I had in meeting new people, and doing things involving people of different kinds, beliefs, attitudes, characters, backgrounds and other factors that sets human different from another. I like telling them about me, and listening to what stories they have in mind. I just love meeting new people... And learning how to handle them efficiently.

It's only when you keep an open mind, that you'd realise that there are so many different ways of looking at one thing. When you realise that what you think it was before wasn't exactly the thing that you think it was. And when you start thinking about things like that, you'd start to not think of things in just one perspective. And, I guess that's when you'd be more accepting towards another human kind, another human race.

Sometimes, there's more to that one thing you think was the only thing. Do trust me that the only thing you think you have will be the only thing you'll ever have unless you start believing that anything and everything can be yours to keep.

I met MIBI after the workshop.. We spoke... We walked.. In the same boat, trying to find land that probably didn't exist. Sometimes, I do wonder why we never had feelings for each other despite being so terribly close. At other times, I am just glad that we are close but never was more than just a friend. I love you, MIBI... But I only love you as my dear friend. Thanks for being that friend that I had always wanted.

In midst of being with MIBI, I thought I was out with Zad... I thought MIBI was him.. I actually wanted MIBI to be Zad.. But he wasn't and he will never be.

At times, I wanted Z to learn from MIBI... To learn not to run, but to face the thing you fear most. To come forward, admit your mistake, be persistent, be firm, be someone... Sadly, Z chose to run away and be a coward.. I can't do much since.

To the rest of my readers.. Keep coming back.. I love you.. I really do..

Updates of all the pictures...

Didn't had time or patience to post it category by category.. And so it's a little bit more than just being jumbled up..

You guys might even wonder if all these pic are taken in one day.. Haha..

Fact is, it is about 4 or maybe 5 days of going out and taking pictures put altogether...

Main locations are Jurong Hill, Esplanade, Al-Ameen, Umie's place and the sight from my corridor.

So go figure.. Or just simply enjoy the pictures, aite?

Good Night..

Gonna sleep my life away.. ZZZzzzzz

The scenery at Jurong Hill 

Do you see what I see? 

Such a sight, too beautiful to put into words. 

Just the clouds running my imaginations wild 

The sight of Jurong Port 

The green sight... 

Clouds getting heavier 

Clouds that fill the sky up 

More clouds of art by the bridge 

The usual picture to present Singapore... 

Rushy and Fiza 

Rushy jaga blakang, Fiza jaga depan.. Kiri Kanan sapa mau jaga? 

Dua wanita, berbeza cara...  

Ni dia hasil penjudian Halal Kami 

Ni dia, muka penjudi Halal kami 

Mamat and Doll 

Rushy ngah bincang pasal perihal bini.. Maklum, tu dua pompuan pun bini dia.. Ada no. 3 ngan 4 lagik! 

Edy and Rushy 

Me and her.. Any resemblance? 

Me and him again.. 

Me and my niece..  

Me and him  

Rain is on its way.. 

Heavy Clouds...  

Busy...

Busy.. I am.. Or am I just keeping myself busy?

Often too tired, but not tired enough to not think of things that can barely resolved..

And now.. I'm too sleepy to think of what to type..

I should post my pictures.. But maybe next time.. Good nite all..

Hari Raya Haji

Fred, Sinah, Edy and Doll went over to my place.. Ate, then head to Sinah's place.. Ate and do what we always do..

Then we went to Jurong Hill.. The scenery.. was so so awesome!!! The breeze was so strong.. Scent of fresh air filled my lungs.. The air blew my hair and face.. Felt like the sky just wrapped me tight with love. Such a feeling... Sad thing is, no public transport to bring us there, need own transport.. Haiz..

Then we headed to Arena.. SING SING SING.. Yeah.. I sang!!! Lots of songs indeed.. Had so much fun.. Yahooo!!! Haha.. I can sing!!! Hahaha..

So happy to use my voice that speaks of my emotions..

Whatever happened to me?

What has happened to all the dreams I once had? Gone without a try, gone without a chance, gone just like that...

My dream to be an engineer might just be history without its existence. I just couldn't recall anything anymore. I've forgotten what I've studied the last 4 yrs. I have suddenly like working in my current workplace. Doing something totally irrelevant to what I've studied.

I have spoke of the things I need to with Zad. And I've set some things straight, though I do hoped for something better.. But I guess this is a better option, so let's just wait and see, eh? What happened, only two of my friends know.

I have to admit that I'm a little closer to MIBI now. I have indeed change my way of living.. He do see the change, but he somewhat still is in disbelief and probably doubt if I had really change for good. Sadly, I can't prove much of that to him just as yet.

I quit being a chained smoker a few days back, planning not to buy any fags, and to just try quit the habit altogether. I haven't been drinking. I have started going about doing what God instructed us to do.

But sometimes, being good is just not enough. Everyone has different expectations and I just can't go around fulfilling everyone's expectations, because I, too have feelings. I, too gets tired of waiting. I, too gets tired of dealing and putting up with shit. I, too need my alone time. I, too needs a touch of concern.

I am sick of being alone. Sick of people who just give up way to easily.

Gone to dig and search for a missing person within. With high hopes and dreams of knowing her real defination and identity.

Still lost

Lost within the air,
My soul died within,
My body left bare,
With nothing but skin.

And I let the fire burn every inch, with the rain piercing through every wound, and let the air heal my deep scar.. The only antidote is to have the slightest human touch, sealed with love and nothing more...

Sad but no love is found no more, it was lust that takes over the place where love truly belong now.. Time has change, sad that it changed this way as it's not for the better.. Kids nowadays don't really know the real meaning of love.. For they had misused the word LOVE.

Love,
Undefinable,
Love,
A word of expression.

Love,
A word with no explanation,
Love,
Great sacrifices with passion.

You once said to me, "I love you." Do you mean it? Or you say it for the sake of saying it? I don't know. This only you can answer... We rarely call each other, rarely texted each other, rarely meet each other. Are you just waiting for something to happen.. So much that you couldn't react enough when it actually happen?

*** This has got nothing to do with the dead, the alive, the readers or the author herself.
** This is what the author would like to call, "Something to be read and made a lesson to all."
* Be happy.

Where is the old me?

Been to nowhere,
Close but not quite near,
Far away and yet still here,
Long it might feel but just a second it had been.

I don't know what to feel, how to feel and what i am feeling right now.. I detect some disappointment, some hatred, some loving, some laziness.. but what? why? I myself don't know.

At times, I don't know what to do... And at the same time, knew that something needs to be done.. Lost you are, even much more I am, so lost with no guide. Know not where I start, know not where the end is.

I see no right,
To keep the fight,
Nothing too bright,
At a place with no light.

And so i kept racing and compete with many others. Yet I know no matter how I race, even if I do come first, I win no price for there is no race. And so I fought for nothing to be bought. Who am I?

I am me,
Not yours,
I have you,
But mine you are not.

And so I don't know who you are as well... Many of my goodfriends who've seen me develop has been prompting me questions like where is the old friend they had known?

I'm left speechless.. Maybe I did push her down the drain.. Or maybe I left her somewhere and forgot to claim her as mine... Once again, I'm lost.. Find me, get her. Unite us, return us. Where we both belong, where we never will be separated again.

Mana hang peh ilang noh?
Che' carik sampeh lobang cacing pun tak jumpak jugak!
Ape la dah buat kat hang?
Gamak hang buat che' lagu ni.. Hampa che' tau!