The ups and downs of life

24th September 2007

I got the truth out without asking… And so he declared his feeling to this other person… Does he really think I’ll forget everything and be back to how I used to if I ever decide to be with him again? Does he really think I don’t have any feelings?

And he thinks I’ll believe him when he said there will be no more secrets between us? How sure can I ever be that he won’t do such things again? How sure can I be that he will stop lying? How sure can I be that he really do have true feelings for me? How sure can I be that he’s not pulling that man I want him to be just to get back at me? How sure can I be that he’s not there for the little money I have?

With that how sure can he be that I’ll put everything behind and trust him whole heartedly? How sure can he be that I won’t doubt his every move? With that how sure can we be that we will be happy together? With that how sure can we be that this relationship will work?

I’m telling you, this will be too full of lies and doubts. This will be one hell of a mistake, and it won’t be a small matter when we both had enough.

Life is a joke, isn’t it? The joke must be on him or perhaps it’s on me, because I seriously don’t find it funny. It’s either him ending up looking darn stupid alone by himself or me ending up looking stupid for wasting my time.

Stop giving me riddles, and give me what I needed to hear. I’ve had enough trouble, and I don’t need to make it double. I mean seriously… What could be worse?

30th September 2007

Family reunites after so long. I truly miss all of them, especially my third uncle. Never really speak much, but it’s enough.

I’ve finally decided to go for MotoGP trip, after so much about saying I’m darn broke. Then again, I decided that we needed the break off work and just have fun running around and forget all there is here even if it’s just for the weekend.

I’m honestly looking forward to this trip. Just the three of us, it’s so going to be like FUN. Finally made a decision to book hotel and tickets by tomorrow, and so what if I end up broke? It’s much needed and deserved. I mean seriously… We do deserve a break.

I’m so going to save up all the little money I have and be worry-less and just enjoy my whole weekend admiring young hot bods, and fast machines… Not to mention some fabulous personality that can influence the whole world…

I simply can’t wait. 19 more days to go…

Was just thinking... When everything seems to be going all well and good, it could only be that the worse is near... Of course, we can all be positive and hope for the better, but what everyone fails to do is to prepare for the worst possible thing to come....

We can all not be worry only to end up picking up the pieces alone, and we can all be thinking too much only to end up not doing anything at all till maybe when it's a bit too late.. Either way, life goes on.

It's strange how my mom come up with this theory that I shouldn't sacrifice and do everything for my friend and yet expect my friends to go the extra mile for me... Just like when there's a wedding to attend and I made an effort to dress up or be early and put everything behind to be there, she'd nag and question if they are going to do the same for me. I ended up upset for a moment, and told her off... I know I'm wrong to tell her off but it's only right that I do all this and to know that I did my part and the least I can expect is their presence when it's my turn. Rather than not do much for them and then expect so much when my turn comes.

Anyway, it's not like my turn is very soon or in the plan... I don't think I'm willing to settle down... Then again, I will never know and time will only tell if the right man comes by and asks for my hand the right way.

I intend to stay single and flirt my single life away till time is right, at least for now.

Oh, as we break fast yesterday... my family spoke of Mr... Of how he ended by lying down to eat because he can't seem to eat cross legged on the floor. And we moved on talking about how many children he has now and how old they are... It's amazing how time flies.. Mr is married and have twins, who's turning 1 next month. Ya.. Time really flies...

And I sometimes wonder is there'll ever be a second Mr who'll come my way... Oh lord, why do I have to see marriage as such a hassle? Why can't I just be a normal girl to fancies her wedding with her mr right with such passion and love?

Why do I always view marriage as such a heavy burden? Why must I meet and be with all the wrong people time and time again?

Weirdos on Earth

The weirdest human on Earth has to be parents. They do all they can for their child, then again, when the child is not wrong, they do all they can so the child would somehow feel like he is in the wrong.

When the child is so wrong, they refuse to accept and deny and deny they would. When the child change for the better, they would accuse of all the things he hasnt done in the longest time. So what is right for a child to do? I have no idea. Ya.. Go on parents who read this. Tell me that I won't understand until I have my own children.

Still c'mon. Wake up. When there're chances for parents to talk to the child, why couldnt they just go straight to the point? And when the child is in no position to talk and explain, then why pick that time to talk?

Had I wanted to leave and make this home a hotel, I would and could have. But I never did, I still make sure I get back on my own bed all well and tucked in. So why is it when I decide to not go home till the sun rise, they pretend nothing happened instead of slow talking with the child?

I have enough stress on my shoulder, enough burden to carry. I don't need to be shout at when I just got home from a very thorough thought about earning more money to survive. I don't need to be lectured because I already know what's right and what's not.

Couldnt they just leave me alone when I need to be and be there when I needed someone to be there?

Sigh... Why?

Something out of nothing...

*Please note that this post is written is two separate occassion. (also due to the internet problems back at home)

Well, recalling the last post that I published.. The part about KI being out of proportion, I think it's good, but then again, when everything is going uphill, the only way next is probably to go down where the hard rock finally greet this face of mine... I dunno... But he outstandingly became more in control of his temper and with the way he put his words...


The person he confided him probably has some influence in his change. He seemed to be more toned down, easier to manage, but sometimes, I just end up not knowing him at all because the change is that much. At times where an argument is most likely to occur, and me expecting him to show his temper, and preparing myself for words to be shot out into my head, he just surprise me by just talking as per normal, he does sound a little irritated the first time, but when I ask him, why the tone, are you angry with me? He just chuckled and said no..

I know I shouldn't be complaining, it's all good. But then again.. If he can change so drastically in such short span, wouldn't be just as easy for him to return to how he was before? And what scares me most is I really have no idea who and where this influence come from.

He willingly accept to handle my matters with his acquantances without much push and pull like before. He starts to tell me what looks nice on me and what not.. These was never mentioned before. He'll just critisize what I wear and how I wear what I wear, but now it was more like options for me to choose.

He seemed to be on a higher mood and have let out a better aura towards me. Just like last Saturday, after some shopping, he noticed me counting my fingers and asked what's wrong, and I just looked at him and he went like, money problems eh? and I just nod away, and he starts to talk to me of what the problem is and how I should handle it.. I admit not all his solutions are feasible, but I guess that's good enough for now.

At times I just wish he stop running from reality and start trying harder to support me instead.

Oh, I had a dream last night... A heated argument with someone who had returned from somewhere far from the public but surrounded with his own kind. KI was there but didn't do much or even try to interupt, and after all the police calling and everything KI sat next to me and asked if he's really the one I'm looking for.

And I remember clearly what I said in that awkward dream... I said, " It's not that hard to impress and satisfy me. I don't look for heritary wealth, or highly educated man. I look for someone who can make me happy and give me what I can't get by myself. No money can possibly buy happiness, maybe money will help you be happy, but I don't get to bring all the money into my grave. I want to live my life happy with someone who will be there for me no matter what happens. I want that person to try and to see with my own eyes and heart that he's trying to make me happy. I want someone who would listen and debate when I am wrong, I want someone who would laugh and cry with me. I want someone who have strengths in my weaknesses. I just want to be able to be myself and love that someone for whoever he is. Not more, not less"

I woke up wishing I could tell someone this. I wish I could speak more with someone.. But no matter how I try, I always end up listening to all everyone wants to say and not mention a word about myself. Often, when given the opportunity to voice my points, I end up not knowing how and where to start and so I gave the opportunity away to someone else...

I don't know why I feel so alone, like noone else would care. Like noone else would have noticed my eyes so full of misery, like noone else would have noticed how full my brain is with my own problems... like I don't matter to anyone at all...

Seriously, is life really that worthless that noone else seemed to care about another or themselves for that matter?

Just another thing in my mind....

There's something in KI that seemed a bit out of proportion, yet I couldnt make out anything out of it. It seems like he's not telling to what it is that is bothering him. Then again, it would be impossible for him not to confide in anyone. Sadly, it's not me whom he confides in to... And so I wonder- of suspect if you'd like that word better- if he has someone else whom he is able to confide in...

It's not me to throw my worries to someone, much less without any evidence of some kind. I kept wondering what I lack when I know I lacked nothing. It's getting to me... I just hate this feeling, and yet there's nothing anyone or me for that matter to do anything about it.

I seriously have no idea what I mean to him, much less to anyone for that matter... Is life really that worthless? Is being human just that insane?

To live for someone else has never been me, and yet it still bothers me when noone really cared about me only because they all knew I could handle it all by myself, but hey... I'm still a normal girl, who may need some help with what she's going through. I'm not born with some supernatural thing that can make every worry and every problem I'm facing go just like that.

Honestly, I'm starting to wonder if I should just end my life, and sometimes I wonder if it'd make the world a better place... Then again, we* have too much class in ourselves, that we can't even wish to do that. We are just not the typical crowd that'd just do the norm. And we simply can't bring ourselves to that position. That's good, but sad... We wished we could cry and make ourselves feel better, but we just couldn't seem to even do that...

Why, the same ol' question that has been bothering since day 1. And after over 20years, still, noone seemed to have an answer to our simple and yet complicated question. Why?

Another Long Update....

6th September 2007, Thursday.

I decided to lodge a police report about the SGR secret. I think it’s been long dued for a proper action to be taken. I guess I knew why I delayed, not because I was afraid but because I was ashamed to be this stupid to actually allow someone use my name so easily.

I still don’t know what I should say when I step into the police station. Should I go like, “Hmm… I want my SGR back, but I don’t know where it is. Can you help me?” Or should I go like, “Hmmm… SGR is going to be taken away, I don’t know where it is, but I want it back… How?”

Sounded more stupid than it already is, don’t you think?

KI has been pretty quiet recently, and I wonder why. Am not about to guess, but honestly, I am slightly affected, but able to forget about it. I had strange weird stupid dreams about him lately. Oh well…

For the anonymous lady, you know and I definitely know who you are, I texted you my comments on your comments… For those who are keen to know, here’s what I’ve got to say, (I hope you don’t mind me sharing)

“I guess we both know what sort of things we will have to deal when reality hits but blinded with the littlest hope and love we have for someone. I know somehow I want to give it a try and yet I know it won’t work unless he change the way he is…
We both know. And yet we kept trying to do the almost impossible thing, only to wonder what went wrong…”

And after saying all these, I still have that littlest hope to fight for… Strange, it’s like walking to a road with a sign that says “DEAD END” and yet I still keep walking in hope to find the way out.

I sometimes wonder if there will ever be the one for me, who could provide me more than enough. But what is enough when I want more than just enough. Now that’s another unknown definition beyond explanation. However, I’ll give it a try…

Enough is when one can provide the basic needs, money, shelter and companion. If one can’t provide me these, then provide me love, care, concern, a listening ear, tender touch, a shoulder to cry on, a hug when I feel alone, a kiss when I feel unloved and words of wisdom when I’m on the verge of giving up.

Enough is not enough when one forgets my existence in the presence of others, or failed to put me before everything else when doing something. Enough is never enough when one failed to stand up for me when someone hurts me. Enough is not when one refuses to take over the steering wheel when it’s due. Enough is never when one only thinks of his own lost or benefits and not ours.

Call me selfish, but love is only when one is able to let go of everything for that person one loved. Love is when nothing else matters as long as the person one love is happy and well. Love is when something’s amiss, one can only think of the person one loves.

I guess I’ve had enough said. Good night.

9th September, Sunday

At times like this, after a long chat of all the unknown depressing things that has been bothering us, I felt like we both need a long break doing some researching within our souls. It’s has always been and will always be about someone else above our own importance somehow. We kept saying maybe He has something better for us, what seriously, what is it that could be better? We wonder, and we continue to wonder, for years we will, and still be without much clue to an answer.

Sometimes, I really wonder if I mean anything to anyone for real or if anyone has some significant meaning to me- except my parents- for that matter. Is there seriously someone out there who deserves more care and attention from me more than myself? I really don’t know if it would be worth. I really don’t.

I guess my biggest sin on Earth is being just way to nice to everyone and everything. I let go, but never within myself. Nothing seemed to work… Then again, everything is falling into place. I have got a great career worth talking about, I still got my parents, my family, and my friends… What more could I have lacked?

Maybe a stable boyfriend who supports me would have made my life better, then again, there’ll be more to the list that could make my life much better… Then what is it that’ll make me ultimately?

I wonder…

A long day to end...

I had a super long day today.. Meetings after meetings.. There's lunch meeting about client cuddling, won't deny I fell asleep as the interactive discussion goes on. Then I had to prepare for a meeting with the architects at P&T, that starts at 3pm and ended surprisingly at 6pm with at least 95% questions answered with remainding 5% pending from various sources.



Read through my previous updates and I did notice a few errors in words used. But I guess most can see that through and understand what I'm trying to say. As always, there's just so much to say that sometimes, my mind speaks a lot faster than I can ever type.



So much happened today. I decided to take the SGR secret back in my hands, no matter what it would mean to my numericals in the expenditure list. Then there's more secrets... So I can neither write about it or tell the world about it. Secrets underlying secrets.. I remember that in one of my poetries.



Anyway, I've been so busy that I havent got time to catch up with my younger babes and friends. Havent slept well either. There's just way to much to do at work, and then there's family talks about some stuff that should go unsaid....



I'm basically killing myself silently. But there's nothing much I can do about it... Or maybe I can, but am blinded by everything that's been happening...

Long update due to inaccessibility to internet connection

Apologies but I have to update. Don't mind me...

Sunday, 26th August 2007

Today seemed like the best days spent with KI… He actually kept me company in my office from 1230 right up to 2030hrs. He even helped me out with some of the work that needs to be done. That I have to give him credit…

He seemed to have taken note of me more than before. I guess deep inside he has this soft spot for me, and knew that no other girl could or will even think about doing what I am for him… But like every men, he just won’t admit it openly. Maybe he’d confess to that only when I’m no longer.

Deep inside, I knew he cared for me… Just sometimes, my expectations got wild…

Today he had stolen my heartbeat, and I don’t know what tomorrow will bring me… I just hope it’s better than today…

I finally caught up with my coach on Friday night. I always had good talks with him. This time he asked me why women always think they had everything to lose when a relationship didn’t work. And I begged to differ. I told him I don’t have a thing to lose. And he asked me how I came about with that theory, how I was different and why I wouldn’t have anything to lose. I told him I would deny to not lose a single thing when it fails but I will have plenty to benefit, more than I would lose anything.

And here’s what and why. I would have wasted my time and energy. But three things why I wouldn’t have lost but benefit a)money – I still have my career, my pay and my benefits, in fact I would have saved money if I am single b) people – I still have my family and friends to be with c) self-worth – I don’t lose my worth by failing in a relationship. With this, the lost would be a benefit returned to me. I would have more time and energy for all the things that I haven’t been doing whilst being with someone.

Deep down I know, this relationship with KI would be one of those which is hard to get over with should it ever end. And that KI would be one of those whom I’ll have a terrible time letting go of.

He’s not that a bad guy after you know him and being with him for some time. You’d actually find him to be such a nice guy gone wrong in his early parts of his life.

I probably had written about why I was attracted by him initially… It was the fact of how simple life was for him and how he took it in his stride. That was just what hooked me into this love trap. I just love the way he criticize people around him with the truth. He knows his facts and he takes what people have to say about him with the willingness to accept.

I just love watching him talk, loved the way he remembers everything without trying, and how he denies with that smile that just tell you he knows and is pretending. I love the way he takes charge of the situation and people around it. I admired him for doing just about the simplest things in life that made a difference to the world. And I wouldn’t stop doing that. Oh, and I enjoyed his confidence in life. Not once did he showed me any signs of insecurity in him.

Oh well… the morning is greeting me and I got to sleep. Good night, folks.

Saturday, 1st September 2007

We had our 8th movie date in Hall 8, how about that eh? We watched the Ratatouille… It was a great show; it was more for adults than it is for kids for its cartoon-nic nature. It has more adult issues that there could ever be for a kid.

I mean which kid would have a problem with who they are and how they are? No kid would have a problem accepting their ownselves to be human. Maybe it just would or could teach a kid to be whatever they want for as long as it’s for the good and if they really want to be someone, they could as long as they have the guts and faith…

And to admit and give credit to those who really deserve it. And to not scoop to the opponents level to win or get even. But it is rather too deep or rather advanced for a kid to take note, don’t you think?

Anyway, I felt troubled up here, in my mind throughout the day… KI kept asking if I’m alright… I just brushed it off and away… I really don’t know… Sometimes I really wish I can just have my own kids and yet not be married. It’s less of a hassle, of course I know it’s a sin, and more to that – it’d be difficult doing the explaining to the kid alone…

I just, well I dunno… I’m just not made for marriage… I really have my doubts, not because people around me are divorced, have been divorced or filing for divorce… But only because of my personal issues with commitment and freedom…

I knew deep inside me that I can’t be with someone who can only provide me enough, but I needed more than enough. Money- I think anyone can make or find money, but happiness… that’s something just so magnificent. Freedom and trust, that must be earned, and not controlled.

I guess I can get pretty okay with KI, only if parents can see that. He may not be able to provide me financially and all that basic things… But I guess he can teach me many other perspectives that I’ve failed to reach.

KI has some values that I don’t and I have what he lacked. It’s like a perfect jigsaw puzzle and it just may and may not work depending on if we are the right piece at the right spot…

What I do know is, it doesn’t matter if KI and I will ever end up together, KI will still be a big part of me… And hopefully, I have a place in his world no matter what happens.

I guess the only way to get marriage in both our minds is to go horribly wrong in our doings and end up with something that would mean greatly to both of us to work on something and get to a compromise.

Like I said, it might. And it might just simply screw up. We may be stronger together and we may just say goodbye without a word.

Something tells me that I might very well end up in a very long relationship with him because we need each other so much. But I have a feeling that we never will get married –maybe live with each other, but not married… maybe have kids but keep it as a secret. I dunno… It’s strange and I know – but I’m not going to let him go and I know I won’t regret either. Maybe that’s the only way to be single till time is right for me to step into another marriage. Why pressure him and make my stress level higher?

Live by the day like he said, and be strong to last like I said. He can be the king but I still have the power in my hands. I make my future and he makes his. I can my own life, and he has his. So why worry?

I guess we are the same, to mingle is our habit, but we can stay true to our own definition.
If love is true, and fate is written this way, then let it be. To go against all odds is my nature, but I also know if it’s meant to be, it will be. If it’s not, it’s only a lesson to be learnt.

We can both be young, but we have both gone through what not many people our age goes through. We may not realize that, but we both know it somehow. At least, we are not hypocrites who deny the truth or spread rumours for their own benefits.

It’s getting late, and everyone’s asleep. And so shall I… Good night, dearest.