A mess...

Everything was in a mess... My thoughts, the things I need done, the list of things to be done, my body reaction, my feelings, my mood swings, my tiredness, my laziness, my guilty conscience, my past memories, my present territory, my lost victory, my winning defeat, my endless confusion, my blurred vision for the future.. Everything seemed to be in a mess...

I am easily upset lately. I stressed myself out without an effort the past week. I tend to think a little too far, analysing things too much into detail, freaking myself out to unneccessary worry. I was so fed-up, I ended up buying lots and lots of junk food, mainly chocolate bars. I spent $11.10 on CHOCOLATES!!! Urgh!!! Oh well, better than buying cigarrettes, really...

I am so glad I didn't get any fags... I can't deny, I was tempted. Really tempted, especially when I sensed the familiar smell of cigarettes from passer bys and from fellow collegues who smoked. Then I felt what I used to get once my body is cleansed from nicotine.. My nose started to itch tremendously when a passer by blew the cigarette smoke into my face. And I guess that is just a baby step to quitting for real..

Anyway, met MA after work... Was pretty fine, wanted to mail all Mr's letters off. Reached HV at about 7pm, an hour too late, the shop had closed.. Then my mood turned REAL bad..

First I was enveloped by a sense of guilt for not mailing it as early as I could, (I could have mailed it on Sunday..). Then I was filled with confusion, not knowing what is more important, then I was filled with guilt again, for not talking to MA much. Then I was reminded how much Mr and I used to walked down HV and chill out at CBean. How often we had to go to the bank to settle out Mr's credit card issue and such. It made me think a step deeper.

Then all I was thinking was to get home as fast as I could, I suddenly was filled with such need to be alone by myself. I felt like I need to be alone, I somewhat prefer to analyse my thoughts then to smile and laugh with MA. Then when I got home, I suddenly miss him. I am confused. What do I really want actually? I don't know. I am insecure once again. I can't seem to make up my mind.

Sometimes, I don't feel like talking, but when the other party sound a little less interested to talk, I became insecure and start wondering why people lose interest in me. At such, I would wonder what is my real worth, where I stand, how much I meant to people around me, and if anyone cared for me as much as I would care for them, I start to simply think too much; more than what my mind can possibly handle at one time.

Sometimes, I am afraid to be alone, and yet sometimes, I shut people out of my life. Sometimes, I refuse to give another person a chance, but sometimes, I did that to see if that someone is for real. Sometimes, whatever I do, it seemed wrong, and sometimes, I do that to that someone, in such that whatever and however he do, he is wrong, and never can possibly satisfy me just the way I wanted it to be.

At times, I put all the blame on myself. And I would thought that if I hadn't made the decision, it probably would be better or easier.. And at such, I refuse to choose, I refuse to make a choice, I let others decide for me... But of course not on big issues like career or life... just on the little things like what I am going to eat, or drink..

And, did I tell you... I had a major major pimple outbreak, not just at my face( I have about 3 big ones on my forehead area), but also at my back and chest... Very very horrible and very very annoying.. It itches, and then it hurts... Geesh.. It's really irritating..

I sometimes wonder why MA still wants to associate with me even at my very worst.. I sux.. and he likes it. Geesh.. Weird guy, but I guess that goes to show that he's sincere.. Can you believe it? He didn't complain!!! At one moment, I was crazy.. Then split second past, I am singing.. Next I was screaming.. Then I go quiet... And he just play along, still there next to me..

Fxck is wrong with me...