It only take 2 minutes..

Heard that somewhere someplace before? Of course you have... Commonly heard by surveyors, and often than not, they took more than just 2 minutes.

No, hold on.. I am not going to talk about surveyors who annoyed me, neither am I going to tell you that this will only take 2 minutes of your time... but let's just talk or rather, write, about the real value of the 2 minutes that we have had but, often, took it too much for granted.

I, sometimes, just couldn't understand some people's nature.. It's seems like 2 minutes is just too much to spare.. I mean, it would probably take someone longer to text back and forth than to pick the phone up and call to ask a simple, "How are you?" gesture. It would cost you and the other person ($0.05 x 4) = $0.20 to text "How are you?", "Fine, and You?", "A little busy I guess." and "okay... Catch up soon" and the seasonal "OKs". Cheap, and so.. are you telling me that your concern over me or the involved person, is just as cheap?

Okay, I heard some critics already. Some people may argue, that it's the same thing if they were to call, the same concern.. Ya.. I guess that's for friends, for aquantance, for people whom you aren't exactly comfortable to talk to... But I honestly don't think it is appropriate to do that to someone who had been there all along, throughout your difficult times. How much more expensive is it to call, really? $0.50 more? Oh well, I sure think it's worth it. Imagine that person you had neglectedly ignored died tomorrow, wouldn't you regret not calling to ease her consistent callings to simply speak to someone she/he misses?

I wouldn't argue if you're leaving in a different continential and it would definitely cost a bomb difference. Still, I had friends who lived 7 seas apart and still find time to at least call once a fortnight to family who obviously missed them. Regardless of how old you are, how matured you are or how successful you had been without family, it's still the same family who had made you the person you are today.

It probably had taken up about 5minutes for someone to text me and about ten others up some chained messages.. But that someone is still somewhat too busy to just pick the phone and speak to her mom. And I still wonder, is it her, or is it someone else who had prevented this from happening... Still, that woman is her mom, or isn't she anymore?

I finally had someone to lunch with me today, someone who had just joined ASPL today. She somewhat had mystery surrounding her. She surely wasn't an open book to read.

And, someone's missing from my routined day...

A mess...

Everything was in a mess... My thoughts, the things I need done, the list of things to be done, my body reaction, my feelings, my mood swings, my tiredness, my laziness, my guilty conscience, my past memories, my present territory, my lost victory, my winning defeat, my endless confusion, my blurred vision for the future.. Everything seemed to be in a mess...

I am easily upset lately. I stressed myself out without an effort the past week. I tend to think a little too far, analysing things too much into detail, freaking myself out to unneccessary worry. I was so fed-up, I ended up buying lots and lots of junk food, mainly chocolate bars. I spent $11.10 on CHOCOLATES!!! Urgh!!! Oh well, better than buying cigarrettes, really...

I am so glad I didn't get any fags... I can't deny, I was tempted. Really tempted, especially when I sensed the familiar smell of cigarettes from passer bys and from fellow collegues who smoked. Then I felt what I used to get once my body is cleansed from nicotine.. My nose started to itch tremendously when a passer by blew the cigarette smoke into my face. And I guess that is just a baby step to quitting for real..

Anyway, met MA after work... Was pretty fine, wanted to mail all Mr's letters off. Reached HV at about 7pm, an hour too late, the shop had closed.. Then my mood turned REAL bad..

First I was enveloped by a sense of guilt for not mailing it as early as I could, (I could have mailed it on Sunday..). Then I was filled with confusion, not knowing what is more important, then I was filled with guilt again, for not talking to MA much. Then I was reminded how much Mr and I used to walked down HV and chill out at CBean. How often we had to go to the bank to settle out Mr's credit card issue and such. It made me think a step deeper.

Then all I was thinking was to get home as fast as I could, I suddenly was filled with such need to be alone by myself. I felt like I need to be alone, I somewhat prefer to analyse my thoughts then to smile and laugh with MA. Then when I got home, I suddenly miss him. I am confused. What do I really want actually? I don't know. I am insecure once again. I can't seem to make up my mind.

Sometimes, I don't feel like talking, but when the other party sound a little less interested to talk, I became insecure and start wondering why people lose interest in me. At such, I would wonder what is my real worth, where I stand, how much I meant to people around me, and if anyone cared for me as much as I would care for them, I start to simply think too much; more than what my mind can possibly handle at one time.

Sometimes, I am afraid to be alone, and yet sometimes, I shut people out of my life. Sometimes, I refuse to give another person a chance, but sometimes, I did that to see if that someone is for real. Sometimes, whatever I do, it seemed wrong, and sometimes, I do that to that someone, in such that whatever and however he do, he is wrong, and never can possibly satisfy me just the way I wanted it to be.

At times, I put all the blame on myself. And I would thought that if I hadn't made the decision, it probably would be better or easier.. And at such, I refuse to choose, I refuse to make a choice, I let others decide for me... But of course not on big issues like career or life... just on the little things like what I am going to eat, or drink..

And, did I tell you... I had a major major pimple outbreak, not just at my face( I have about 3 big ones on my forehead area), but also at my back and chest... Very very horrible and very very annoying.. It itches, and then it hurts... Geesh.. It's really irritating..

I sometimes wonder why MA still wants to associate with me even at my very worst.. I sux.. and he likes it. Geesh.. Weird guy, but I guess that goes to show that he's sincere.. Can you believe it? He didn't complain!!! At one moment, I was crazy.. Then split second past, I am singing.. Next I was screaming.. Then I go quiet... And he just play along, still there next to me..

Fxck is wrong with me...

What's with the "lor" and the "hor"s?

I seriously don't know where the good English has gone to.. It seems like every Singaporean are more and more obsessed with all the "lor"s and the "hor"s.. It's not like I am an anti-Singlish.. But too much of it just sets all my little hairs standing.. It's almost like pollution to the good English..

MA got a fever today. Advised him to take a day off and rest at home.. His fever was like 38degrees, and got himself two days' MC from the PolyClinic. He's out with his family now. I think I've found some evidence that shows me how much I feel for him now..

I simply got worried when he said he was down with a fever and is feeling horrible. I got worried knowing he's all alone at home and attempted to go to the doctor alone, I freaked out and ask myself what is gonna happen should anything happen along the way. Then he called me up to say he's safe at home and is going to sleep.. So I didn't disturb him(that was about 12pm). I only texted him to say I'm taking a nap (abt 5pm).. Then after more than 8 hours since I last heard from him, I got worried and start calling. He didn't answer, I panicked..But I kept calm, thinking of other possibilities.. Then he called me back, a major sense of relieve got into me. I went like, OH thank God you're fine. I didn't care where he was, with whom and why he didn't update me.. I was just simply thankful he's so fine.

I dunno why but everytime I speak of love, of wanting to have love and to love... I always look back when I was with Mr.. How beautiful it seemed.. And how great it still stays in my heart... I dunno if anyone can possibly take his place.. It is true that I have had a few since I broke up with Mr.. But I am still afraid to indulge in the risk of being broken again. Still, I gave them chances and let them try. And it seems like no one met that standards Mr had set in my life..

I slowly picked out the photos I had of Mr.. All his cards which are carefully kept and taken care of.. all those memoirs looks so fresh to me. All the words that are written seemed to talk to me whenever I read them. Then I felt the pain again... The pain in the truth that those words are just memoirs and had become a piece of my wonderful love history.

In one card, that by default has these words on it, " Maybe it's luck, Maybe it's destiny, All I know is that your love is the best thing that ever happened to me." And those words stay true. In this card, Mr wrote a poem,

"How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height,
My soul can reach, when feeling is out of sight,
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.

I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle light,
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right,
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.

I love thee with the passion put to use,
In my old griefs, and with my childhood faith,
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose,
With my lost Saints... I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life!.. And if God choose,
I shall put love thee better after death.

I love you "

And he duly signed with three "x". And it's not Valentines.. It wasn't any special occassion day.. It was an ordinary day. He just felt like writing it to me. He just simply hand it to me. I remember smiling ear to ear, and kept reading it over and over again, feeling so lucky.. And now, I read it over and over again wondering who would love me like that in time to come.

Just then, MA texted me and it snapped me back to the reality. What a trip into my history, I thought. MA's safe back at home. He just took his medicine. I wiped my tears, closed my eyes, and just hope for a better life, being a better person, and walked out stronger. But deep inside, I know, I am weak.. I am afraid.. But I moved on, at least I tried.

Trust me, I really don't know what got into me lately.

Mind blocks....

I dunno what got into me, but I have been having mind blocks a lot lately. It's strange how my mind suddenly would go blank, and I would simply forget what I am to do next. I have so much in my mind, but nothing gets loaded off as I keep having these mind blocks... I am having one as I am typing....

I miss running around, I miss hanging out with the touch boys... And, somehow, I miss Mr's presence... Not that I intend to, but I just miss him as a friend.. I miss his concerns, his advices.. More since my superior smelt so much like him, I just sometimes imagined it was Mr sitting next to me guiding me through my work... Oh, please don't misunderstand me.. I just thought I deserve to load this thought out somehow..

Oh, yesterday's post was cut short as I had the mind block... Let's just continue talking about my working environment a bit.. It's strange how hardworking and motivated people are in my office, it's almost felt like a sin to go home on time... Haha.. It's like no one is motivated to go home early and everyone would be in the office really early too!

No matter how early I reached my office, it seems like everyone else is already stuck into work and was busily occupied. And as time is approaching to an end, they still seems happily occupied. It won't be a surprise if I just be one of those people in the next 2 months, once I settled down, get familiar with the work and built the confidence to work on my own.

I've been lunching alone since my second day at work. Some days, I just don't feel like eating.. I guess I should get myself used to being alone and independent once again, like those golden days.. I have been having a whole lot of flashbacks as well.. Those fun days with Steffen, with Mr, those fun years with my close friends, those sweaty days during trainings, those drinks and pool with a bunch of people.. and those who just disappeared with no news...

Memories are to be remembered... And the present are to be appreciated... Mistakes are not to be repeated... Future should be planned... Dreams are to be made true... Everything deserve your best efforts... Doubts should be questioned and Questions are to be answered... Smile when you're sad... Love someone who may hate you and never hate someone who may love you... Good deeds are to be returned with good deeds.. The bad ones, are not for us to judge the punishments... Harsh words may hurt, but it is never powerful enough to kill.

Anyway, I went swimming with MA today. I am out of breath and I still haven't got the real hang of swimming.. MA is good to me, he has been looking better and better of late.. It looks like he's slimming down and I'm gaining weight.. Haha.. About swimming, he's really really patient in reminding me things that I often forget while swimming, guiding me through, always being there correcting my mistakes...

He never fails to make me smile... He is also someone who gives people around him some privacy space. I guess that is what I like about him most. Oh well, there's so much time and we are just starting to get to really know each other.. There is no rush into anything.. So, let's just see how far we can go and pursue this friendship.

Oh please excuse me... My eyes are drooping.. My body is slopping.. I need my bed.. ZZzzzzzz

New Job, New People & Routined

I have been drawing, editting, and playing with different softwares to get the same results. That's what I've been doing since my first day at ASPL. Everything has been great- the management, the environment and the way they do things.

My offices hold about 70 staffs. I was being introduced to every single one of them on my first day of work, which is a very nice gesture from the Accounts' department. I like the environment in the office, it makes you wanna work and never stop.

I am more on the training now. Playing around with tools on different softwares. Drawing same model results using the different softwares. The commands on these softwares; AutoCad, MicroStation and REVIT; are different but most of them brings out somewhat the same effect.

I am more familiar with AutoCad and somewhat prefer it to the other two although the other two have more powerful and much more intelligent commands instilled in them. I guess it's a matter of getting used to the commands and knowing how to use them properly.

I am just learning.. and I will be learning a lot... I was scary when I suddenly forgot how to do things.. and it was scarier when I keep asking my superior to guide me. It was almost like going back to school.. Oh, I wish my AutoCad lecturer was behind me to refresh my memory to all the basic commands of AutoCad..

My brain is cramped.. I can't think. Arrrgghhhh MIND BLOCK!!

More about People around Me

I am dedicating this entry to my close friends.

Sharmie

She is very ambitious, someone who won't take any sort of shit from anybody, someone with brains and beau, someone like me. Hehe..

I knew her from my Poly days. I wasn't very fond of her at the beginning. She portrayed herself as someone who is very proud, egoistic, thinks highly of herself, very self-centered and someone who is vain. However, first impression isn't really everything.

We didn't really talk and hit it right off. We took somewhat lots of time, lots of opening up, and lots of downs than ups before we really get along. It was funny when I think about the silent fight before we really grew closer.

Today, I can consider her my closest gf that I ever have and ever will have. We often read each other very well, that sometimes, all we have to do is look at each other and just sit and be there for each other.

Let's just say, we learn from each other... (Although I can say, we are both stubborn, and often, we sought to get hurt to learn.. Hehehe)

Oh, I do miss all the sleepovers...

Tingie

She is weird, she's harder to read. She is full of mysteries. And she is someone to be remembered.. She always appear to me as someone free from problems, who always break free and fly away... Like a bird..

She is very spontaneous, she is a friend whom you can trust. She is someone who would give you her ears if you have a secret you can't hold any longer, then the next moment, she'd forget and never bring it up again.

She is somewhat a deep person, try reading her blog.. I mean if you don't know her, you would just wonder with no end, if her write-outs had got to do with her life or it's merely a writing of art. She loves drooling, and I can't deny that she's good at it. She's very creative, crazy ideas.

People around us often say that when we are put into the same room, the room would just be full of laughter, wild imagination, artsy, and unpredictable.

I miss cooking up some stupid crazy stories with her..

Token

This girl, I ain't really close to her. She is a good friend, I can't deny that. She is someone who would remember and put her friends before her.

She always get on my nerves unintentionally. She gets very very stressed up over the smallest things. And she works up too much for all the wrong things.

She is one complicated girl, who didn't really need to complicate things any further.

I miss her liveliness.. I mean really.. Where else can you find a 24 yr old who's overly obsessed with cute fuzzy little things and gets really excited over a PINK PENCIL?? Hahaha

Serene

I dunno what's with her, but I don't exactly have a smooth sailing friendship with her. I don't have anything against her, but it often appears like we are enemies...

Therefore, I don't have much comment of her or our friendship.

Bhavani

We are childhood friends, who are well, drove apart. I dunno what's with her, but she kept giving excuses just so we don't meet up for a small catch up session. And so I stopped trying.

It's a pity.

Jerie

This gal, hockey brings us together. She has all the qualities to be a great leader, someone who has a mission to lead and to bring everyone together. She puts up a smile at times when we were to give up. She gives us the push when everybody else is pulling us down.

She is very active, very positive. Someone whom I would salute to in terms of being able to identify real priorities. She's someone who won't tell you her problems, unless she finds you really really realiable and trustworthy, so if she does, please take care of the trust she had given you.

She is someone that I'd appreciate for believing in me.

Cheetah

She's someone I had always envy eversince I had known her. She seemed to have everything going well for her. It's almost like she didn't need to do a thing to get things done.

Not until she opened up and told me about her other unknown problems that she had been hiding away from friends. Even so, she got that settled out and she's happy now..

I just wish her all the happiness and may everything goes well.

-End-

I guess that's all the friends that I have over my years of making friends. I know there are probably just two or three at most who still keep in close contact with me. Sometimes, it's sad to know that I only have this much.. But someone told me, it's better to have a few true friends than to have many many acquantance but no true friends..

**Snaps back to reality..

People around me

There are just so many people around me, and I guess I should just define who they are in my lives here today.. Let's just touch those who had made a difference in my lives in the last 5 years...

Skinny R

He made me a guinea pig for his blows and painful words. I endured his tourturous play for 2.5yrs. Although he was nothing but trouble for me, he made me learn quickly through things that happen after the mishaps that he had directly or indirectly caused. It was indeed easy for me to push all the blames to him, but I also know it is not fair, as I had brains to think about myself on my own.

He made me stronger is a very painful way. He is the cause of my dramatic position now, thanks to him, I had learnt to appreciate people who had always been there for me and appreciate the little things I had.

He is best to be forgotten now. It is best to put everything that happened behind us and move forward. And so I did...

Mr J

He came to the picture in a very dreamy way, I was lucky to have bumped into him. It was a beautiful memory to be remembered. He helped me up and out of the dark pit that I have been sitting on for far too long.

He made me realise that I was much better than just anyone. I should and I deserve all the best things in life. I was with him for over a year. At times, I do regret letting him go, he was afterall my best catch ever.

At times, I wonder what really pushed me to end my beautiful relationship. At times, I just past it off as God's test. I'd say, maybe we are just not meant to be together. Mr is still in my contact list, we do contact each other once a while to catch up with each other's lives.

Z

I was once with him 5yrs ago, but it ended adruptly on his request. I met him again last year, and we quickly got back together. It was probably my mistake or his to rush things. He was someone who would appreciate you for who you are and would appreciate if you could do the same. I ended my relationship with him, because I heard too much of him from people who happened to know him in the 5 yrs that we drove ourselves apart. He is still a piece of my memory and with him is my handphone and my helmet bag.. Those things, may not be the most expensive thing that I could have own, but those two items hold very fond memory of my past. And I am still hoping for those items to be returned to me.

Zad

He is very bubbly, very cheerful, but can be very vulgar all at the same time. He used to be with me everyday, no matter how tired, no matter what... But those days are just days that are to be remembered as he quickly changed. He stopped sms-ing, he stopped calling, he stop meeting..

We are not exactly together, but everyone else seem to think likewise. We are now just casual friends. The one thing I like about him is his ability to take control of each situation, he never revealed what really happened between us. He just let it be, and go on as per normal.

I missed his youngest sister.. Oh well.. Maybe we will meet again....

Freddd

He is one of my most respected friends among the IRC Chatters. He often gives me an eye opener to some things that are oblivious yet unseen. He is one person who is very upfront with everything. A person who's very direct, shows respect and trustworthy.

Darling Azlina

She is one of the chatters whom I clicked with, who speaks openly and one who always stands up for her rights. One who is very understanding, but at times confused. She is someone who knows her limits. One who like to play Mrs Fair & Square.

MIBI

He's full of crap really. Very influencial. No real identity. Searching for something dreamy, something almost inexistent. He's too serious, he's too conservative. He thinks too much of himself. He still has a LONG way to go. He's too naive, ignorant to what is in store and very much still IMmature. He's someone who is concerned about the outer look, thus he became someone who only look at the surface and never really look deeper into the situation.

MA

He's crazy and full of jokes. He's easy going, very adaptable, knows what he wants and how to get it. He often goes with the flow, let things settle on its own, not pushy, accepts everything that happened to him, and welcome anything that wish to come by. He is someone who values friendships even if it is with someone who no one wishes to associates with. He still has a kid in him, not the immature naive child, but the playful, friendly child.

He is always being himself, no matter what you may tell him in terms of changing of outlook. He's confident of himself, he knows himself. He has a very good and established inner self. That makes his aura very enhanced, which probably explains why he's has been having good luck with most things that he went through.

He's someone who knows what he's talking about. He is someone who always look deep into things, and would find a way to make things a little easier to tackle from the inside. He's got the brains, and the heart.. What more do you need in a man? Haha.. But men being men, they ain't really that perfect, but sometimes, imperfection are just what I'm looking for..

Mom

She is complicated, she has good intentions but she often look at the worst of all possibilities from any situation. She's pretty pessimist if you ask me. But she is someone who looks at the outer self, then look at the inner self. She's someone who likes to take a shorter route to almost everything. And I love her, and is loving her much more knowing she loves me just the same.

Dad

He's more practical. He's not that easy to talk to if you don't have your facts right. He's very wise, very particular with where his money goes and how you're gonna spend his share. He's someone I'd look up to whatever the situation is. Again, being a man, he barely knows what to do with emotions.. hehe.. My old man loves to joke and take things on a lighter note. He's cares and loves all his daughters, and grandchildren. He loves to pamper them more than to discipline them. But don't you try take advantage of his soft spot, coz when he blows, he really BLOWS.

I took a lot of resemblance from him, in terms of looks, I have his face shape, eyes and mouth. I also took up a lot of his characterism. And man, I love him more than anything else in this world.
Kak Yam aka Ummie

She's my eldest sister. She used to be my most hated person.. She's just way to serious, and always too strict.. And she always gets everyone into a bad mood when she is in a bad mood.

Now that she is a mother of three.. She appears to be as a mother figure. She shows her concern in a more motherly manner. She gives me advices, and sometimes, would talk me out just like how my Mom would.. And so I have 2 mothers here..

Kak Nana aka Mama

She is my second sister. She has always been loved by everyone. She has almost everything going for her. She's very lovely, but she has her mood swings. She's very secretive, and sometimes, she's so secretive, she would just suddenly blow. She can be stubborn. She's also quite a person who would like to go out with class. She's quite an upmarket kind of person.

Last and not forgetting.. My nieces and nephew...

I am an aunty of 5 young and playful little kids. They aged between 2 and 11yrs old. They are, Rose, 11+ yrs old, Nad, 9+ yrs old, Hilmy, 5+ yrs old, Nayli 3+ yrs old and Shahril, 2+ yrs old.

Rose was born when I'm eleven. She brings joy in our family, being the first grandchild to my parents.. And my first niece that I would be bringing up at that point. 23months after she was to welcome her little sister, Nad. She was a very cheerful girl for as far as I could remember, a little opposite of Rose, who was then pretty much of a cry baby. Ummie, Ayah S and my two beautiful nieces moved out when Nad is about 2.

In 2000, Hilmy was born. My parents are elated at receiving the first grandson, and so was I. But we barely hold him in our care. And so there wasn't much memory of him and his sister when they were babies.

In 2003, Shahril was born... At that time, I wasn't allowed to see Ummie due to some unsaid problems. I managed to see him when he was 11 months old. And I kept seeing him after.. he was just 6months older than my son if he were to be alive.

These kids... They somehow made me want to go to places.. To be someone out there whom they can be proud of, whom they can speak about to their friends, whom can be their hero when they need me.. For these kids, I will make myself a better person.. Just to motivate them to be much better and just so they know they can go further if they want to, and if they try hard enough.

Myself

I was once someone who is rebellious, who wouldn't sit and listen to what my family has to say, who was once someone who had taught that she had been through much and who deserved her freedom..

Now, she is someone who would voluntarily sits down with her parents to talk things out, to understand what they been through, to know them better, and to learn for as long as she breathes.

She is someone who knows her future, where to go and how to go. She is someone who believes that she can and she will go far..

This is just the beginning... And there will be no end till the end of world.