Marriage is not a cookie cutter

Assalammu'alaikum family, friends, readers and followers of this blog. While my renovation journey is on a stagnant (we will only start shopping tomorrow), but I have a strong urge to write, so here goes...

Marriage is not made from a Cookie Cutter, so do what works!

Again, please allow me to remind you that it is purely my opinions from my own observations, share if you find it beneficial, and comment if you would like to add, I will respect you if you disagree too.

Respect

No marriage is the same, it is not a cookie cutter. So, respect all marriages. Not all marriages will be the same, nor will they go through the same thing.

We cannot judge any marriages for that matter. Doesn't mean Marriage A lasted for over 50 years because his wife is a stay at home wife, it will work well with all marriages. Doesnt mean Marraige B lasted over 30 years because they share all the bills right to the eat-outs, all marriages should be the same.

However, both marriage A & B are right. It worked for them, yeay! Yes it worked, but it doesnt mean yours should follow theirs. At the same time, it doesnt mean you are doing it all wrong. You are right, it makes both of you happy, keep your marriage happy and sane, then you are doing something right.

You have rights to make a different choice. the key is to DO what is RIGHT for you, and your household.

RESPECT all marriages and their household, insya Allah, people will respect yours.

Comparing

Seriously? NO. Don't compare. Don't burn yourself telling that you are a bad wife because you can't cook like Pretty Z, don't punish your husband because he can't upcycle the stool into your drawer set like Macho G. Don't. You will be damaging your marriage more than fixing anything.

No two lives are the same, so what works for them may not work for you. In fact it might kill you.

Look, you gotta look at each other and find that thing that made you pull towards each other. Is it the way they clean? You can't get everything nice in one person, there is only so much one can do.

Comparing must be no 1 killer in marriages.

When you want to be respected, you have to respect the household you visit. Don't tell them their house is dirty and question if they had done anything. Don't ever! Likewise don't ask how they manage to keep their house clean. Don't give that dirty look when you see your lady friend pay for her husband, you don't know his finances like she would. Don't ask your brother how he made his wife stay home, it is really her choice, and it is probably for the best. You don't know how their life is like, so don't act like you know everything.

Pray

Keep your faith, and your heart with love by praying together. It helps the Ummah, and it helps you both connect by talking to God. Allah SWT hears you, and He will gladly grant you peace, love, and happiness, if you both work hard to be together, to do what works for each other, and do erase the flaws by focusing the good.

Not everyone is like you. You like cleanliness, you teach your partner, tell your partner that you like it this way. It is okay if he can't do it. You are better at it, then do it. :)

Perhaps he is better at finding a good deal, it might help you too. Maybe he is better at negotiating, maybe he is better at making you laugh, I don't know him like you do. But you do, go find that strength in him and love him for that.

Likewise for the men, if she can't cook, then cook with her, learn with her. If she still can't, perhaps she is a better cleaner, maybe she is better at organizing mess, maybe she is a better banker. I don't know her better than you, so go figure!

When you pray, it sets your priorities straight. Can't cook, there are plenty take-outs and eateries, an excuse to even visit your parents or in-laws and eat delicious homecook perhaps. Can't clean, get a part time maid to clean it if you can't do it either, or turn it into a game. Whatever works. You wont die, you just need a bit more work. But when you don't pray, you go astray.. You start thinking ah maybe this marriage is not for me, it wont work. And then what?

Devil

Yup, of course! The Devil loves and calls for a party when marriage don't work, when a marriage break apart. Do you really want the Devil to win? More than your partner?

I mean if it gets abusive, and all, by all means.. But if is nothing like physical or emotional abuse, then work on it. Perhaps try listing up the things that are bothering you, maybe it is not your spouse.. So breathe, reconsider, make a list.

Different is ok

Just remember, what works for others, may not be for you.

Marriage is not made from a cookie cutter.. Not all women wants to be a stay at home wife, similarly, not all women wants a career driven life. Not all men wants a submissive wife, and not all women likes to wear the pants. Consider doing what works for you and your marriage, and stick with it.

Stop worrying about what others had to say, if your conscience is clear and no one is abused, no one is upset, and that both of you are happy with the arrangements, then go for it.

Like you know, in some marriages, the husband stays home. Don't  judge, it works for them. If it doesn't work for you, then don't. Do something else, keep both working till the household is good to be on one income, ya okay. If it works for you. Do it!

I just hope people will stop comparing and forcing things into a marriage that they are not into. Like for example forcing a couple to have children insisting that children would make the marriage happier and what not, hey, I have known someone who got out of marriage because they had kids. So, don't judge. And don't force it down. It worked for you, but it may backfire for others. Would you like to be the cause of a breakdown?

They are of course instances in which they do become better and happier in the marriage after having kids too. And hey! I am not implying that I do not want kids okay, we are dying to have our own kids. Just that I guess Allah SWT has underlying reasons for delaying it for us. And we trust Him.

Do what works

Do whatever works. If your husband is a better housekeeper, and you are not very good at it, it is okay. If he is happy to do it, what right has others to say he is not man enough? You god damn know he is a man. Better if he can cook, bake and everything nice. Hey.. Desserts are good for everyone to de-stress, right?

And if she is better at carpentry, fixing broken furniture and assembling stuff, and you are not so good at it, or don't enjoy doing so,then let her do it if she is happy with it, what right has others to say she is dominating the house by doing that? You god damn knows she loves you and is very much a little girl inside!

I mean seriously. do what works for you. You really don't have to follow anyone's style to make a marriage last...


I shall end it here, insyaAllah if there are more points to cover, I will add on.

Keep the marriage strong and happy,
Jun

Wassalam

Marriage and its purpose

Assalammu'alaikum family, friends, readers and followers of this blog. So it is midweek eh.

I wanna touch on marriage again. In my last post I mentioned abt this note that I shared on my facebook:

A household where a mother is made known of her battle and sacrifices, and where a father is made known of his share of battle and sacrifices is usually filled wit love and respect. In that household, children learn that in marriage, every flaw of the spouse is to be their own little secret and that all their good deeds shall be remembered.

And its caption: Marriage is about upholding each other's honour and integrity. If the one person you had trusted your life with turns around to tell anyone of your flaws, then who else can you trust?

Let your spouse's shortcoming be your secret to keep, and focus on her/his strengths that enlightens and makes you happy.

You dont need to tell the world, just tell your spouse, because he/she should be your world.

 In many household, I see mothers instilling to their child some hate to their fathers or the feeling of irrelevance of a father figure, and I can't help but feel hurt for the father. I know there are hopeless fathers but they still hold a role somehow, without him, they will be no child of yours whom you had with him. 

In my household, as hopeless as my father can be with the household chores and what not, my mother never taught us to hate my father or to ignore his requests at any time, even today. As much as she complains more now, she will be inserting some good point about my father knowingly or unknowingly. And this has taught me a few lessons that I can imply onto my marriage. 

We are a team

Yup, I think I have mentioned this many times in many posts, and many fb statuses. We are a team, we don't need to outdo each other, no need to compete with each other. A marriage is to complete each other. 

If you are racing and you speak of your partner's/assistant's/navigator's shortcomings or flaws, wouldn't that give  your REAL competitor a clue on how to win you at the race? Likewise for marriage, if that one person whom you would trust your life with turns around to speak evil of you, then seriously, who else can you trust?

Lets get real, when children outgrow us, become adults, get married, they will be busy. And they wont occupy your time like how your spouse would. Children cannot replace the void a spouse leaves. Marriage is special, you know. A child can't be hugging and kissing you and sleeping with you all night to keep you secure. 

Secret

A lot of things are to be kept secret between a husband and wife. Be it the flaws or shortcomings, or the birthmark you have between your breast, or that scar you had between your legs. These things are to your own little secret. Noone should know you more than you spouse, not even your mother. 

So forget and forgive your spouses' shortcoming, focus of his/her strengths, the things he does in his own special way to keep your smile on your face, to keep your heart skip a beat, to make those butterflies making backflips in your stomach. Aren't those special? 

So ya, I guess I keep it short this time. Now time for you to wonder and ponder. Oh, have you hugged, and said I love you to your spouse? Or perhaps tell him you appreciate him. 

I know I hardly do that, but sometimes I talk to him in his sleep. And when he wakes up, I pretend I sleep talk. 

So much about women ego eh? 

Oh wells, until next time!
Jun
Wassalam

Marriage - Setting the Priorities

Assalammu'alaikum family, friends, readers and followers of this blog.

I know, I have been adding entries on a daily basis (or almost) for awhile now. I can't help it as I was fed with so many interesting topics to cover! Thank you, you!

Let me just start off with, I am no ustazah, I am no ulama, I am no expert in Islam. I am just like you, learning as I grow. Learning as I listen....

This topic has been on my head for a long time, so when someone emailed me about it, I knew I had to write about it. Please remember, these are my thoughts - and if it is not (i.e. from hadith) I will quote it, insyaAllah. Do feel free to correct me!

Everyone on this Earth would have priorities. Sometimes by nafs, sometimes by heart, sometimes just by default.

Priorities 

When I was single....

My priorities was (to be really honest) all over the place. At one point, it was friends, then it was boyfriend, then it was mother, then it was sisters... I was young, I admit, I followed my nafs.

Then as you grow older maturely, your priorities became more obvious, at least for me it is.

My priorities would be as follows:

Mother
Mother
Mother
Father
Myself
Sisters/Brothers
Grandmother
BFF
Really close friends
Other relatives
Boyfriend/Fiance

And when I got married, my priorities took a 360 degree turn. I went into denial mode. I probably took a good 6months to a year to really adapt to my new priorities.

Now that I am married....

My priorities went to
Husband
Husband
Husband
Mother
Mother-in-law
Father
Father-in-law
Sisters/Brothers
Grandmother
BFF
Sibling in law
Other relatives (incl in laws')
Myself
Really close friends

I started considering myself a little lesser. When both my mother and husband fall sick, I had to care for my husband first before my mother. I had a really hard time juggling this. It has always been mother before anyone else.. But when you got married, as a woman.. Your husband became priority. For if he passes and is unhappy that I wasn't there for him, my ticket to Jannah would be torn.

For many out there this is the hardest to accept - some went on to say "I can find another husband, but I cannot find another mother".

True, I cannot deny. However, in Islam, a wife is at her husband's mercy. If she receive a good husband, she would be able to care for both harmoniously. And mothers would or rather should understand this. With this is would be easier for the new bride to take up her job as the wife.

I think the more difficult part is that it is not vice. When the husband's mother fall sick, and at the same time as you. He is more obligated to care for his mother than he is to care for his wife. Again, if the mother would and could understand how much a wife needs a husband at times of sickness, she would rely on her own husband (if he is still around) before her sons. And when a wife is a mother, she would relent and give in to her sick mother in law, and would brave her sickness herself.

And if I have children, like it or not, in Islam, children is after husband. I see a lot of benefit in doing so though. When a mothers takes care of her husband, her children will grow to respect their father (or the man of the house), and would appreciate their mother when she is theirs hands down. :)

My mother had always taken care of my very capable father, she would prepare his breakfast, his coffee, and made sure everything my dad needs is in place, then she would rush to prepare ours. And this still goes on till today.

When my father needs something at the same time as us needing something, she would attend to my father first, and my father would usually ask her to settle us first or he'd help us while my mother helps him. Now, my father would do most of things himself as he has retired, and is in no rush. Still, my mother would cook and sometimes prepare it so all he has to do is, eat.

Financial Priorities

The wife

As a wife, in Islam, I hold no responsibilites financially. Everything that is basic needs are to be provided by the husband. Only when the wife wishes to help, she can offer him what she want, BUT she is not obligated to. So in this case, it is really my money in mine, and your money is to be shared through the household and me. ;)

The husband

For the husband, he needs to adjust his financial priorities as when he was single and now that he is married. As much as his mother still holds first place, he now has a family of his own to built, so major adjustment is required. I won't be harsh to say stop contributing altogether, please continue contributing, but he would have to consider a better job or have something else to boost his income to be able to support both his mother and wife (and family to be) without making any of these two feel less important.

In Islam, a man is to give his earning in this priority...

Himself
His wife
His children
His mother
His father
His parents' in law

If after contributing his share fairly to these people, and have extra and would like to help, it will be in accordance to this and on par with their need. Meaning, even if they are in priority, but if they are more than capable to earn on their own, then the priority goes to next in list.

His siblings (in-laws inclusive)
His immediate elders (grandmother, aunties, uncles)
His nieces/nephews
His cousins
And then it extends outwards on to his extended family.

As Islam taught us compassion, we are also encouraged to help the needy especially the orphans - again after distributing his earnings to those in his priority first.

Giving more than Taking in

In marriage, it is always a teamwork of husband and wife. Most couples forget they are in the same team and start competing unnecessarily, like who earn more, who contributed more, who does more, who got what..

Competition takes a  toll on everyone after awhile. Some competition is healthy, of course, but most of us tend to just go over board. 

There are moments where I mumbled my displeasure - I wouldn't lie about it. Things like how I am so tired after work, then having to do the laundry, having to get him a drink, having to clean the mess, having to pick after him, etc.. Then when I sit down in bed, and he came in and said, "You want a massage?" All that I did suddenly become totally worth it.

Then I would start appreciating him, how he went out to work, how he had to still care for his mother and yet still be there for me, how he had to juggle what is happening at his parents' and what is happening here between us or in our household, how he adapted to my parents, and our house rules.

When I think about all this, I always end up believing that he is the only man meant for me. And that he is putting his best effort, and had my best interest in mind.

As a married couple, we have to have our restrictions. It is an unsaid rule. Your social boundaries will be limited, do I really need to spell this one out? As much as we loved our brothers and sisters of friendship whilst we were single, this people needs our partners' approval. My Aprilia brothers for example, as much as I still remain close, I will not have the freedom to stay out late night just me and them, and husband at home. Hell NO! I wouldn't settle down if I am still wanting to hang out with them brothers till late night and exclude my husband. Likewise for the husband, he would usually ask me even if it is hanging out with his band of brothers, and even asked if I'd like to join him.

And I say what I feel and what I mean, if I say yes, well ya, he would be free to hang out. Usually though, he would feel the pinch himself and end up heading home before the dawn breaks. ;)

And when my husband says no, I am left with no choice but to heed him.

I know a lot of friends would say, "How can you let your husband suppress you of your freedom?"

Well, he did not suppress my freedom, and if he has no say as to where I go, how I spend my time, and with whom, then what is the point of getting married?

And sometimes I get arrowed like, "How come he can hang out late night and you can't?

Well he is a man, and I am a woman. How nice is it to see woman hang out late night? Not nice at all, unless it is with family or knowingly that her husband or father is coming to fetch or join her later so she remained protected. Besides, I get my alone time at home while he is out there with his friends. He, like me, would need personal me time - just that for me (and most women), me time is time alone, whilst for him (I don't know about other men), it meant time with his mates or games.

"It is not Fair!"

Well, the world is not fair. Women are born to be different than Men. We both have unique strengths and weaknesses. So?

I am happy with being unfair. Otherwise, everything is the same, without any unique challenges to overcome. Then everyone would have the same story to tell. It'd be boring!

I am happy to be a wife, with challenges, receeiving lots of hugs and love in my husband's unique and special way, and always available to give him the love he seek.

I am happy that my husband is happy to be with me.

I will just end it here.
Until next entry,
Wassalam.

The topic of Hantaran and Academic Certs

Assalammu'alaikum readers, friends and family,

My FB timeline was flooded with sharing of this article, on hantaran, and by a simple question of "Can a female university graduate marry an ITE graduate?"

Interesting topics really. I responded by sharing/replying with my status as such:









and this:














The first, on hantaran, as we all know we Malays have a tradition whereby the groom will give dowry as a gift for the bride's family, right? This is tradition not of any religion requirements. and the article was pretty much about how the trend is to set high dowry amounts for the groom to give the bride's family, and it has become astonishingly sky high. And how the amount was set in line with the bride's educational certs, capabilities, looks and what not. And most parents often give reasons like they are testing the groom's capabilities to care for their daughters.

And so my friends and I responded, me having said as per above in English translation would be : Let it be that no dowry/little dowry or a dowry that is within the groom's affordability and within his reach, as long as he can continue to provide in consistency for the wife's needs after the marriage. Don't splurge and throw a big event just to suffer forever. (and the rest is in English, so no need to translate, right? ;)

And so yes, life after marriage is far more important that that one/two days event, really. Some couple splurge so much and eat grass literally until their next pay, if they are lucky. Some had to continue eating grass for a few months/years, to clear their debts incurred for the event. We, inexperienced, immature people often dish out debts and said (in denial perhaps), that $xxx/month is okay. It is by the calculator okay. It wont hurt. Reality is, expenditure after marriage is just much more than when you're unmarried. You hold more responsibilities than before. Dont forget that we are still liable to pay our bills, help our parents, and chip in double (if you are staying in with them after marriage), we have to also help our in-laws, and if baby comes by.. we have to pay for the baby needs and wants. There are so many to list down. And oh! Your own house! Your house renovation, Your new house's furniture, Your own house utilities, bills, loans, oh the list goes on and on!

I am glad my event was one that is 100% debt free. We survived well. We managed to save more. Alhamdulillah. People talk, let them! You do a cinderella event, they talk. You do a beggars' event, they talk. Let them.. Dont let their talks control you, unless they are paying for all your expenditures.

And so on the second topic, "Can a female university graduate marry an ITE graduate?" Hey hey, why not. I am a uni graduate, I married my ITE graduate husband. We are fine as it is. Marriage is more than just academic certs. Who know 5 yrs down the road, he find time to upgrade and be a Uni Grad as well? Or maybe he would be a business owner with companies and providing jobs for others? Who knows what God has for us?

Marriage is bigger than just academic certs. Marriage requires so much love, positive energy, understanding, trust, compromise, giving and taking, and so much more. Again, the list wont end. I learn a lot from him, and he learn a lot from me. We are a team, and a team achieve together, his success is mine, and my success is ultimately his too. If I fail, he help me up. And if he fail, I nag so much he would get up on his own! ha! no.. I will help him up too. We are not against each other, we are a team. Husband and Wife are a team. Work as one, not against each other. We are great together, we are balanced, never bad. IF one of us is, the other will balance us up. Our vision and mission is ONE. With that, we wont be degrading each other, instead we motivate each other. To a better individual and an awesome team!

Wassalam and Regards,
Jun