A trip to the past for a bit

Assalammu'alaikum family, friends, readers and followers of this blog. I know and well aware that I've been missing for a long well. I decided to just post out my IVF Journey 2 earlier today.

Within the few hours I got a strong urge to just write again. I revisited my blog from 2005-2007 last week. I found myself smiling a whole lot from a whole lot of things that was going on during that year. The amount of relationships I have been in and out of. The kind of things I had expected only to be disappointed. Ha... Silly young me.

Anyway, I am struggling right now because my keyboard "Enter" key was just not working, so I had to use an on-screen keyboard to enter a new line and what not, but that ain't gonna stop me from typing out my feels today.

Anyway, I didn't exactly expect myself to remember what each of the acronyms I had given the boys that were in my life was more than 10 years later (as in today) but amazingly I could still remember at least 80% of them, and how I find myself so silly for being so determined to find the man to call mine today. Ha.. None of them were.. Most of them, if not all, were indeed rubbish.

Of the many, I am still in contact with three who remained in my friendlist. Out of the many that I had conveniently bin, I often wonders how MidNight is doing - he was very virtual like me. The last I "found" him was that he was married and had a baby.

Out of the three who remained in my friendlist, 2 of them were married. 1 is still running around or away from marriage, I don't know. And yes, I was the first to get married among the 3. Who would have guessed eh... Life is so different from what I had imagined 12-14 years ago.

Back then I had almost given up in finding the man of my life, the man who I can call my husband, the one who would love me regardless of all the flaws I had. Well, today I have been married for 6years 7months, had been living in a hdb flat of our own for 3years, had made major decisions with my husband over many things that changed us, broke out in argument and what not.

Over the years I have been with my husband, over and over again, I feel like I'd choose him again and again despite all his flaws. There are many good that would overcome the flaws. Yes, there are moments I imagined if I had chosen a different man. I get turned off by the many uncertainty that is in that imagination, I wake myself from the imagination only to frantically look for my husband. Many times I wake up to run into his arms. I feel safe in his arms - I feel very safe and I don't think I'd feel any safer in any other arms.

I don't want to continue reading my life back in 2008-2010, because I remember it was horrid. It was the year I was with this egocentric guy, who ended up getting engaged while still being with me, I had to make a scene to break up when I found out he was getting married in a month. It was funny recalling it now, but it was damn frustrating back then because he made a lot of scene for it. After that guy, it was this married guy who insisted to be with me. Not only was he married, he has a girlfriend on the side, and to still want me is horrible.

The only good thing in that period was that my husband found me then, and we were basically virtual friends then. He first saw me on Pasir Gudang Track, then search me down on some social media and we msn chat from time to time. We finally met frequently towards the end of 2009. And it was him that I resigned my phone to when that married man was spamming me with messages.

We met a lot to just go JB to pump petrol and grab breakfast, then somehow fate has it that we end up officializing our friendship into a relationship on 4th January 2010. We got engaged on 4th February 2011 and finally married on 22nd December 2012.

Our journey is not exactly a bed of roses, we had our days. I am glad we always make up and continue to hold on to this marriage, and I hope we continue to fight for this relationship to last a lifetime. May we always be given patience and wisdom to go through each of life tests and continue to be together.

Do pray for us, and may Allah supplicate the same to you.

Until next entry,
Jun

Wassalam

My IVF Journey 2

Assalammu'alaikum family, friends, readers and followers of this blog. I know and well aware that I've been blogging about a lot about secret journeys. And this is one of it.

A recap of what I went through the first cycle... A picture that every woman who went through it would understand...

Well, we aren't going to give up just like that.. So here we go again...

Follow up appointment came on 30th November 2018 to just get another series of blood tests and checks to see how it has changed so far. Then we have another appointment on 28th December 2018, which was when we decided to go ahead and try after receiving our results which indicates an improvement somewhat.

And so our 2nd cycle begin....

My IVF Journey - Second cycle

We had our second counselling to plan out the dates on 28th January 2019. We had a vacation planned out in March and my hormones were trying to settle down after the induced lactation period, it had gone a little off-course. What we had planned with the Gynae was to start with Feb menses and get stimulation started when we come back from our holiday. We calculate based on my last period expecting the next period to be mid month and so we can't start in February as it will fall during our holiday, so we pushed it to March which gets in the way as the lab will be closed, so we settled to start with April menses. That will be in time for all tests to be in place and still valid during retrieval.

Advice from the Nurse

She asked us casually if we are taking any supplements. Well, we didn't. So, she listed out a few that we can start with and maintain with hopes that it will improve and increase our chances. Boy, supplements are expensive! But I guess we shall just give it a shot, so we can just tell everyone we tried, and that we tried with all that we could with all our might.

She suggested me to take the COQ10 and Folic acid, and for the husband to take Pro-Fertil. And so we purchased and will be on them all until the egg retrieval day. 

The Plan

With the hormones settling down, it is obvious that my menses will also be haywire for a bit. So, instead of mid month, it gets shifted back and forth and I ended having my menses end of March and decided to just submit that as the start of our journey. The nurse called me a day later to confirm and said I would have to be on Nor-e for more than planned to be safe and out of the period when the lab would be closed. So instead of 14 days of Nor-E, I will be on for 17 days and have my next appointment on May 2nd. And by calculation I will have my retrieval done some time on week 2 or 3 of May. 

Work

That extra nervous because... Yep, because this time I will be working so I had to arrange my work schedule and move it around. Not sure how cooperative my colleagues would be but we will see. Doesn't help that this cycle will be done during Ramadhan. I could postpone and do it during less busy months, but it will mean additional costs as we will have to redo all of our blood tests. 

Speaking of work, I am not even sure how I want to go about informing them about it. I am not even sure if we are going fresh or frozen this time round. I am nervous because it will affect my work... It will affect so many people, and I hate to do it like that. I wish I could just resign and rest while I do this cycle(s) so I can just do whatever makes me happy while at it. I wish I could.

Well, I finally mustered enough courage to just be upfront with my superior who was kind enough to wish me well and so we went on to arrange some moving of my schedule to make way for my appointments.

1st appointment

2nd May 2019 - Menstrual Cycle Day 2

As usual, I got blood test for my hormones. Subsequently a scan to see the lining and how many follicles I have currently... I was seen by a male doctor who seemed to be in very good mood I'd say. He was humming a happy song, he strike a happy conversation with me, and then he began to do the scan and say out all the numbers...

My lining was at 8mm, I have 1 follicle on my left and 2 on my right. So far so good it seems. Then I was to wait outside for a nurse to call me. I managed a quick 40 winks while waiting - I was soo tired that day.

Went to see the nurse and as usual she confirms my name and NRIC, then to confirm my cycle day, and if I have done a cycle before.

Then she said "we are doing a different protocol this time, it is different from your previous cycle. This time, instead of the Gonal-F, we will administer the Elonva. It is more expensive, but it last 5 days so no more daily injections, and I will administer it to you on the spot."

I was like yeay to no daily injections! Less work for me!

So I spend like 2hrs in the clinic to get all of this done, then arrange for my 2nd appointment for my 2nd dose.

I returned to work feeling super hungry, and when I finally got home, I was so tired I went to some deep sleep! I was knocked out and woke up super tired and sleepy like I never slept.

2nd appointment

7th May 2019 - Menstrual Cycle Day 7 (drying already)

As usual, I got blood test for my hormones. Subsequently a scan to see the lining and how many follicles I have currently... I was seen by a male doctor again, younger than the previous, and if I catch it right it was Dr Huang. He run through previous reading, and noted that this is my 2nd cycle. I proceeded to prepare and then he began to do the scan and say out all the numbers...

My lining was at 6mm, he only spotted one on my right, and none on my left. Dunno where the follicles that was spotted on 1st appt went.. Anyways the dr asked if I'd like to proceed if this is the end results. Well, why not?

If this is my hope then let's hold it close, yea?

I was to start the Orgalutran dose. This medication is to prevent premature ovulation or an early release of eggs from the ovary. The nurse injected that for me on the spot, then I do it myself for the next 3 mornings to my next appointment.

I am also to start with Menopur dose this evening. I was prescribes 375 dosage and was to inject myself starting this evening and for the next 2 evenings to my next appointment. This medication is to stimulate the ovarian follicles to release an egg. I hope this time, with the help of CoQ10 and folic acid, there will be just at least one usable eggs that can get fertilized when the time comes. I hope...

Well, welcome to feeling bloated all over again... Welcome welcome...

3rd appointment

10th May 2019 - Cycle Day 10

As usual, I got blood test for my hormones. Subsequently a scan to see the lining and how many follicles I have currently... I was seen by a familiar face today! Dr Shakina Rauff. So happy to see her again, and cant help but complain abt the injections being more painful than last year. I cant avoid it, so at least let me rant abt it, ya?

My lining was at 7mm, follicle seemed the same as last time. It grew though, it grew to a good 10.5mm, so she forecast that my day surgery would be on Wednesday, pending the next scan which will be in Monday. Let's hope all goes as planned.

Medications will continue as per last time.

4th appointment

13th May 2019 - Cycle Day 13

The last scan. Dr Huang scanned me this time, with his very assuring smile to say the least. 2 follicles made a debut appearance today, and he kept my hope at bay, asking me just have hopes for 1 as the 2 that just appeared is rather small at the moment while only 1 is at a ripe size.

My lining was at 9mm. And so he set me to do the Oocyte Retrieval on Wednesday 15th May 2019.

So off I go to be briefed by the nurse. We discussed and we decided to have my last dose of Menopur on the spot and have the Ovidrel done tonight.

I didnt feel much at that time. Not until I walked my way to work.. I suddenly feel like my world should stop for a bit. I began to question the possible outcome. I have extreme mixed feelings about it.

Oocyte Retrieval Day

15th May 2019

I checked in at Ward 2A at 8am. I was scheduled for the procedure to be done at 10am. Of all things, I didnt bring my whole wallet - not even my IC. Thankfully the nurse was kind enough to trust I am who I am.

It gives me jitters. The only comfort I had with me was my husband. The warmth he gave me, the little back rubs and kisses he showers me comforted me a whole lot.

I was wheeled back to Ward 2A at 11am. Within the same hour, the Embryologist came to tell me that 3 eggs were retrieved and all of it came from the right side. I was happy.

When I told my husband who arrived shortly after, he was delighted. I wanted to cry. This is just Part 1 hun... We wont know what happens in Part 2... but how do I even stop him from having hopes and feel happy? I couldn't. So I smiled, in attempts to remain and be strong...

Post-Oocyte Retrieval Day

16th May 2019
10.10am

The Embryologist called to tell me out of the 3 eggs retrieved, only 1 was matured, and that they had injected my husband's semen for it to be fertilized which should happen today, now. However, no activity of such was seen happening. She prep me for the worse saying the rate of success at this stage is rather slim, but she told me to keep praying and let it continue and try fertilize itself until tomorrow.

Texted the husband with a heavy heart. And all we could do is pray.

17th May 2019
9.10am

The Embryologist called to say the matured egg just did not fertilized and that it is yet another failed cycle for me. Devastated. Heart broken yet again. Broke the news to the husband. And we discussed it over. We decide to just take another year or two break from this dreadful journey...

3.02pm

CHR called to set a follow up appointment. It was set on 22nd May, 8.55am.

Last follow up

22nd May 2019

So I met Dr Huang. He was sorry about the failed cycle. We discussed. Due to the lack of access to further research on the reasons behind the fail, he could not point out the possible causes clearly. It could be due to a bad egg, or bad sperm, or both. With the lack of information, it was hard to say "let's just go try again asap" or to say "Let's just resign to fate and pray for a miracle". We decide to hold on to what we had discussed and to wait another year to allow my body, my mind and my family to grieve this failed cycle.

With this, it ends my IVF Journey 2...

To more needles or no, I am not sure... Allow me to grieve this loss for awhile... 

Pray for me if you like, but try not to do it in my face. Do it silently, without my knowledge. Your good intention will reach the Almighty. For such good prayers for others, it is best not made know to the person you are praying for. The Angels would say Ameen to the doa that you are making for someone else in the way that they would say "Oh Allah, grant this person the same". Make good do'a for others and the Angels would supplicate the same for you. Ameen!

On to the next journey of greatness. 

Until then,

Jun

Wassalam