Marriage - Setting the Priorities

Assalammu'alaikum family, friends, readers and followers of this blog.

I know, I have been adding entries on a daily basis (or almost) for awhile now. I can't help it as I was fed with so many interesting topics to cover! Thank you, you!

Let me just start off with, I am no ustazah, I am no ulama, I am no expert in Islam. I am just like you, learning as I grow. Learning as I listen....

This topic has been on my head for a long time, so when someone emailed me about it, I knew I had to write about it. Please remember, these are my thoughts - and if it is not (i.e. from hadith) I will quote it, insyaAllah. Do feel free to correct me!

Everyone on this Earth would have priorities. Sometimes by nafs, sometimes by heart, sometimes just by default.

Priorities 

When I was single....

My priorities was (to be really honest) all over the place. At one point, it was friends, then it was boyfriend, then it was mother, then it was sisters... I was young, I admit, I followed my nafs.

Then as you grow older maturely, your priorities became more obvious, at least for me it is.

My priorities would be as follows:

Mother
Mother
Mother
Father
Myself
Sisters/Brothers
Grandmother
BFF
Really close friends
Other relatives
Boyfriend/Fiance

And when I got married, my priorities took a 360 degree turn. I went into denial mode. I probably took a good 6months to a year to really adapt to my new priorities.

Now that I am married....

My priorities went to
Husband
Husband
Husband
Mother
Mother-in-law
Father
Father-in-law
Sisters/Brothers
Grandmother
BFF
Sibling in law
Other relatives (incl in laws')
Myself
Really close friends

I started considering myself a little lesser. When both my mother and husband fall sick, I had to care for my husband first before my mother. I had a really hard time juggling this. It has always been mother before anyone else.. But when you got married, as a woman.. Your husband became priority. For if he passes and is unhappy that I wasn't there for him, my ticket to Jannah would be torn.

For many out there this is the hardest to accept - some went on to say "I can find another husband, but I cannot find another mother".

True, I cannot deny. However, in Islam, a wife is at her husband's mercy. If she receive a good husband, she would be able to care for both harmoniously. And mothers would or rather should understand this. With this is would be easier for the new bride to take up her job as the wife.

I think the more difficult part is that it is not vice. When the husband's mother fall sick, and at the same time as you. He is more obligated to care for his mother than he is to care for his wife. Again, if the mother would and could understand how much a wife needs a husband at times of sickness, she would rely on her own husband (if he is still around) before her sons. And when a wife is a mother, she would relent and give in to her sick mother in law, and would brave her sickness herself.

And if I have children, like it or not, in Islam, children is after husband. I see a lot of benefit in doing so though. When a mothers takes care of her husband, her children will grow to respect their father (or the man of the house), and would appreciate their mother when she is theirs hands down. :)

My mother had always taken care of my very capable father, she would prepare his breakfast, his coffee, and made sure everything my dad needs is in place, then she would rush to prepare ours. And this still goes on till today.

When my father needs something at the same time as us needing something, she would attend to my father first, and my father would usually ask her to settle us first or he'd help us while my mother helps him. Now, my father would do most of things himself as he has retired, and is in no rush. Still, my mother would cook and sometimes prepare it so all he has to do is, eat.

Financial Priorities

The wife

As a wife, in Islam, I hold no responsibilites financially. Everything that is basic needs are to be provided by the husband. Only when the wife wishes to help, she can offer him what she want, BUT she is not obligated to. So in this case, it is really my money in mine, and your money is to be shared through the household and me. ;)

The husband

For the husband, he needs to adjust his financial priorities as when he was single and now that he is married. As much as his mother still holds first place, he now has a family of his own to built, so major adjustment is required. I won't be harsh to say stop contributing altogether, please continue contributing, but he would have to consider a better job or have something else to boost his income to be able to support both his mother and wife (and family to be) without making any of these two feel less important.

In Islam, a man is to give his earning in this priority...

Himself
His wife
His children
His mother
His father
His parents' in law

If after contributing his share fairly to these people, and have extra and would like to help, it will be in accordance to this and on par with their need. Meaning, even if they are in priority, but if they are more than capable to earn on their own, then the priority goes to next in list.

His siblings (in-laws inclusive)
His immediate elders (grandmother, aunties, uncles)
His nieces/nephews
His cousins
And then it extends outwards on to his extended family.

As Islam taught us compassion, we are also encouraged to help the needy especially the orphans - again after distributing his earnings to those in his priority first.

Giving more than Taking in

In marriage, it is always a teamwork of husband and wife. Most couples forget they are in the same team and start competing unnecessarily, like who earn more, who contributed more, who does more, who got what..

Competition takes a  toll on everyone after awhile. Some competition is healthy, of course, but most of us tend to just go over board. 

There are moments where I mumbled my displeasure - I wouldn't lie about it. Things like how I am so tired after work, then having to do the laundry, having to get him a drink, having to clean the mess, having to pick after him, etc.. Then when I sit down in bed, and he came in and said, "You want a massage?" All that I did suddenly become totally worth it.

Then I would start appreciating him, how he went out to work, how he had to still care for his mother and yet still be there for me, how he had to juggle what is happening at his parents' and what is happening here between us or in our household, how he adapted to my parents, and our house rules.

When I think about all this, I always end up believing that he is the only man meant for me. And that he is putting his best effort, and had my best interest in mind.

As a married couple, we have to have our restrictions. It is an unsaid rule. Your social boundaries will be limited, do I really need to spell this one out? As much as we loved our brothers and sisters of friendship whilst we were single, this people needs our partners' approval. My Aprilia brothers for example, as much as I still remain close, I will not have the freedom to stay out late night just me and them, and husband at home. Hell NO! I wouldn't settle down if I am still wanting to hang out with them brothers till late night and exclude my husband. Likewise for the husband, he would usually ask me even if it is hanging out with his band of brothers, and even asked if I'd like to join him.

And I say what I feel and what I mean, if I say yes, well ya, he would be free to hang out. Usually though, he would feel the pinch himself and end up heading home before the dawn breaks. ;)

And when my husband says no, I am left with no choice but to heed him.

I know a lot of friends would say, "How can you let your husband suppress you of your freedom?"

Well, he did not suppress my freedom, and if he has no say as to where I go, how I spend my time, and with whom, then what is the point of getting married?

And sometimes I get arrowed like, "How come he can hang out late night and you can't?

Well he is a man, and I am a woman. How nice is it to see woman hang out late night? Not nice at all, unless it is with family or knowingly that her husband or father is coming to fetch or join her later so she remained protected. Besides, I get my alone time at home while he is out there with his friends. He, like me, would need personal me time - just that for me (and most women), me time is time alone, whilst for him (I don't know about other men), it meant time with his mates or games.

"It is not Fair!"

Well, the world is not fair. Women are born to be different than Men. We both have unique strengths and weaknesses. So?

I am happy with being unfair. Otherwise, everything is the same, without any unique challenges to overcome. Then everyone would have the same story to tell. It'd be boring!

I am happy to be a wife, with challenges, receeiving lots of hugs and love in my husband's unique and special way, and always available to give him the love he seek.

I am happy that my husband is happy to be with me.

I will just end it here.
Until next entry,
Wassalam.