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Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Don't let me be the last...

When time is no more about us, I wish I was strong to tell the world you still have my back... But I wasn't... When time was about us, I wish I was strong to let you go when you made a mistake, but I didn't manage to gather that little strength I should have. When they warned me not to make them the last to know, do they actually know I was the one who's often the last to know? I guess not.

I know not, if I should say you're still in my life, or if you were long gone. Everytime I wake up, your face greets mine, in the last moment of my dreams.. Everytime I breathe, I felt your lips on mine... Everytime, I look at my reflection, I saw you next to me. It felt like you never left me, or was it more like I never wanted you to go?

I felt deep yearnings of you. And yet I have to restrain. I failed to note which to route to follow, the heart, the emotions, or the dreams.... You kept me company, physically, mentally or emotionally, it felt just the same.

I wanted to run and be there for you, but I failed to convince myself if you'd do the same for me. I hesitated, and I delayed. And yet I know, I couldn't hold this any longer. I needed you more than ever. The more I hear others talking about you, the more I felt like you were for me. Queer, I know.

You gave me freedom in whatever I do, you never whined when I said I'm going away with some other guy. You never said a thing when I said I'm going out drinking with my girls. You irritate me with your lame jokes, and the way you notice things about other girls, but you were just being you. You don't lie, just that you never tell most things about you. And that's where the problem lies...

I wish to have a time where only us exists for you to tell me everything. I wish for a time when I can love you for the real you and not the potray everyone has of you. I wish for one moment of you confessing to the various mysteries you've left me behind.

I knew you did a mistake back then. Now when I think about it, if you hadn't been serious enough, you wouldn't have introduced me to your real mom, to your aunt, or to anyone for that matter. I heard all of them said about you not being with anyone this serious before, and sometimes, when I was alone.... I wish I am still with you... To know you better, and help you mend your ways... And be as normal as a being can be.

I dreamt of you being at home with the kids, I knew then something doesnt seem right, but I somehow like it to be that way. Strange as it can be... But that's how I want to be. To have someone who will handle what I can't handle that very well full time, and do what I can do best full-time without any worries about things back at home. I know everyone would be against that, and you'd be the one man who would not feel insecure being the person handling house chores and deal with the women who wear the pants.

Confused once more, I should be careful of what I wish for... But I wish you were back in my life, somewhere at the back of my head, just to know if you're okay, at least..

My feelings are strong and weak all at the same time now... And I'm at lost of what I should do about what I have in my hands....

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

An appropriate song for the time being...

AKON - Sorry, You can put the blame on me

As life goes on I'm starting to learn more and more about responsibility
And I realize that everything I do is affecting the people around me
So I want to take this time out to apologize for things that
I've done things that haven't occurred yet
and things that they don't want to take responsibility for

I'm sorry for the times that I left you home
I was on the road and you were alone
I'm sorry for the times that I had to go
I'm sorry for the fact that I did not know

That you were sitting home just wishing we
Could go back to when it was just you and me
I'm sorry for the times I would neglect
I'm sorry for the times I disrespect

I'm sorry for the wrong things that I've done
I'm sorry I'm not always there for my sons
I'm sorry for the fact that I'm not aware
That you can't sleep at night when I am not there

Because I'm in the streets like everyday
I'm sorry for the things that I did not say
Like how you are the best thing in my world
And how I'm so proud to call you my girl

I understand that there's some problems
And I'm not too blind to know
All the pain you kept inside you
Even though you might not show

If I can't apologize for being wrong
Then it's just a shame on me
I'll be the reason for your pain
And you can put the blame on me


You can put the blame on me

Said you can put the blame on me
Said you can put the blame on me
Said you can put the blame on me
You can put the blame on me

I'm sorry for the things that he put you through
And all the times you didn't know what to do
I'm sorry that you had to go and sell those bags
Just trying to stay busy until you heard from dad

When you would rather be home with all your kids
As one big family with love and bliss
And even though pops treated us like kings
He got a second wife and you didn't agree

He got up and left you there all alone
I'm sorry that you had to do it on your own
I'm sorry that I went and added to your grief
I'm sorry that your son was once a thief

[Sorry, Blame It On Me lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

I'm sorry that I grew up way to fast
I wish I would of listened and not be so bad
I'm sorry that your life turned out this way
I'm sorry that the feds came and took me away

I understand that there's some problems
And I'm not too blind to know
All the pain you kept inside you
Even though you might not show

If I can't apologize for being wrong
Then it's just a shame on me
I’ll be the reason for your pain
And you can put the blame on me

You can put the blame on me
You can put the blame on me
You can put the blame on me
You can put the blame on me

Said you can put the blame on me
Said you can put the blame on me
Said you can put the blame on me
You can put the blame on me

I'm sorry that it took so long to see
But they were dead wrong trying to put it on me
I'm sorry that it took so long to speak
But I was on tour with Gwen Stefani

I'm sorry for the hand that she was dealt
And for the embarrassment that she felt
She's just a little young girl trying to have fun
But daddy should of never let her out that young

I'm sorry for Club Zen getting shut down
I hope they manage better next time around
How was I to know she was underage
In a 21 and older club they say

Why doesn't anybody want to take blame
Verizon backed out disgracing my name
I'm just a singer trying to entertain
Because I love my fans I'll take that blame

Even though the blame's on you
Even though the blame's on you
Even though the blame's on you
I'll take that blame from you

And you can put that blame on me
And you can put that blame on me
You can put that blame on me
You can put that blame on me

I can relate to this song... It's really not that easy being me the way I am... Wronged in everyway, no matter how right I was... In other eyes, I may have been wronged. And so I apologize. It's not about admitting your fault, but to just grow up and take it with you, no matter how right you are. Life is such that noone gives a damn how right you are... Time doesn't heal any wound, love don't make much wonder, and money can't buy you much anymore...

At times, I wonder if time is right enough for me to even move on... At times, when I feel like I'm strong enough, I failed... At times, when I feel like I'm not made for it, I did it... At times, when I thought I was alone, I wasn't... At times when I felt there's someone to rely on, there wasn't anyone except my own shadow...

Life is such... And it shall be just that...

Till I ever see you again...

And you can put that blame on me

And you can put that blame on me