Don't wanna lose you...

Assalammu'alaikum readers and friends. May all of you be in good health and be blessed with great wealth of love. Today I shall not go into detail as to what I had gone through or what not. I just wanna express my feelings.. I somehow felt insecure lately. I dunno why. In fact, I'm starting to feel guilty for feeling insecure. I dunno if it's just me missing someone too terribly, or my seeking attention syndrome.. I dunno if it's just mere coincidental that whenever I needed someone to confide in, noone is available. I spoke to my buddy WV over the messenger about it. And I guess he's right. I was never the only one to go through such terrible feeling of insecurity. He has had his fair share too.. And I guess I am also guilty of such acts. And just when I decide to head home straight from work, I forgot my keys and parents ain't home. I felt lonely instantly, and I hate it. I simply hate that feeling. It never fails to make me feel like as if I was pulled down into the deep sea, and just when I thought I am going to black out, the waves pushes me up to breathe just enough air, before pulling me deeper into the sea... The memoirs of near drowning... I hate that. Totally. Probably that is why I never could bring myself to have confidence to swim or even try. Fear.. That is the biggest contribution to insecurity.. At least it was for me. I called my other buddy, AA. Mere luck. He was within the west area, so I met him up. Upon seeing him, I felt like envious. I dunno.. He was texting her, she was texting him.. And just when I felt like noone cared about me, M.R. called. And just when I wanted to talk a little bit more, he had to hang up.. It simply sounded like my memoirs of near drowning. I forced myself to not think too much, to run away from false accusation and wild assumptions. It almost felt like I've torn my brain apart trying to forget all that is contributing to my insecurity. I honestly dunno why I am feeling terribly insecure. Perhaps, it's just the mere fact that I never want to lose you. Then again, why the fear? I felt lonely. I missed someone too much, and just dunno if he misses me just the same. He runs through my mind day and night, and I simply dunno if he'd be thinking of me just the same. He is overtaking my brain and heart, and I kept wondering if he's the one for me. Will all these thoughts push him away from me? I tried to just forget what's past. But history keep knocking on my door and raise that little doubt in me all over again. I hate my past, but my past is what gave me the strength to go through all these obstacles in life. It was because of my past, that I could take almost anything in my stride. It was because of my past too, that I always have doubt. And that doubt seemed to always annoy my loved ones and often, they call it quits and just bid me goodbye.. I tried to curb all my stupid assumptions and false accusations. I don't want to be the control freak. Neither do I want to be the last to know. Sometimes, I wonder how it can be so easy for me fall, and how quickly I got up from that fall. It does make me wonder if I have learn my lesson well sometimes. These thoughts are making my head heavy. I dun feel like talking, fearing I'd say something I don't mean. I dun feel like doing anything, fearing I'd do something I'd regret. If I were to follow my heart, I won't be doing much. I won't learn. FEAR. That's what I need to eliminate. I should seriously remind myself that if it's meant to be, it will always be no matter how much we avoid. And if it's not, it will never happen no matter how hard we try. Often, people give up trying upon reading the quote. If that's the case, you're leaving things to fate alone. True that something are just plainly fated. However, fate truly depends on how hard you work for it too. For instance, you won't find a job without sending your resumes out. You can't say you were fated to be jobless, can you? Back to my case. Honestly, I am simply afraid. The fear of losing is too tremendous. And I know that this same fear will probably make him go away if I am not careful... I just don't wanna lose you. And I dunno what I should do... Will I be able to fulfill my parents' wish? Or will I disappoint them again? I dunno.. And I am afraid.. All these sins... Will I be forgiven?