Missing someone a little too much lately..

Assalammu'alaikum readers and friends. I hope the entire week has brought lots of quality time spent with your loved ones. Bad news: My great uncle (my maternal grandma's cousin) had passed away leaving his wife,  7 children and I dunno how many grandchildren) A great man filled with jokes and laughter. He will always be remembered in our memories. The amount of relatives and friends that turned up yesterday speaks a lot of his nature to make people around him happy. I was lucky to have gotten the chance to see him for the last time with my sister although he couldn't respond much, I know we both were acknowledged. I hope his family can be strong and be bonded even more with his passing. The mild bad news: It felt like a lifetime since I met my love. Miss him too much, and it seemed too much for me. I keep praying for things to go smoothly. Working so hard to get enough to settle everything down. The good news: I'd get to meet him in 24hrs. But it seemed too long to wait.. But I guess it's worth the wait, anyway. Like mom always say, the lesser we meet, the more we miss, the more we appreciate, and insya'Allah, the harder we work to be together if we're meant to be with each other. And by the time it's due, we'd treasure and not let go. The message: Mom asked me to start saving now. But I had just too much to pay off currently. I hope all goes well, so I can quicken the process. I dunno why I almost can't wait this time. And honestly I think I am starting to sound desperate. Hahaha... Honey, I miss you la... Hurry back and welcome me in your arms, please? Really really miss you.. It seriously felt like I haven't met you for weeks.. I even forgot when we last met. I know I deserve this punishment for misbehaving. I know I should have just gone back home straight after work, but I went for dinner with my colleagues instead. Else we would have met 2 days ago.. I know we both have to care for each others' name. And I respect that a lot. Mom laughed at me when I told her about my punishment. She said I deserved it. And that's when she asked me to start saving. Mom reminded me again, that it wasn't the good looks, the wealth that was inherited, or the education certs that one hold, but the good heart, and the sincerity to love and guide me in life that she counts on my future partner in life. I am sure you fit in nicely. The fear I once had, was gone. Now, it's filled with the eagerness to fill it up with much love, and much more eagerness to give. The one line summary: I am so looking forward to be in your arms.. Assalammu'alaikum.

Don't wanna lose you...

Assalammu'alaikum readers and friends. May all of you be in good health and be blessed with great wealth of love. Today I shall not go into detail as to what I had gone through or what not. I just wanna express my feelings.. I somehow felt insecure lately. I dunno why. In fact, I'm starting to feel guilty for feeling insecure. I dunno if it's just me missing someone too terribly, or my seeking attention syndrome.. I dunno if it's just mere coincidental that whenever I needed someone to confide in, noone is available. I spoke to my buddy WV over the messenger about it. And I guess he's right. I was never the only one to go through such terrible feeling of insecurity. He has had his fair share too.. And I guess I am also guilty of such acts. And just when I decide to head home straight from work, I forgot my keys and parents ain't home. I felt lonely instantly, and I hate it. I simply hate that feeling. It never fails to make me feel like as if I was pulled down into the deep sea, and just when I thought I am going to black out, the waves pushes me up to breathe just enough air, before pulling me deeper into the sea... The memoirs of near drowning... I hate that. Totally. Probably that is why I never could bring myself to have confidence to swim or even try. Fear.. That is the biggest contribution to insecurity.. At least it was for me. I called my other buddy, AA. Mere luck. He was within the west area, so I met him up. Upon seeing him, I felt like envious. I dunno.. He was texting her, she was texting him.. And just when I felt like noone cared about me, M.R. called. And just when I wanted to talk a little bit more, he had to hang up.. It simply sounded like my memoirs of near drowning. I forced myself to not think too much, to run away from false accusation and wild assumptions. It almost felt like I've torn my brain apart trying to forget all that is contributing to my insecurity. I honestly dunno why I am feeling terribly insecure. Perhaps, it's just the mere fact that I never want to lose you. Then again, why the fear? I felt lonely. I missed someone too much, and just dunno if he misses me just the same. He runs through my mind day and night, and I simply dunno if he'd be thinking of me just the same. He is overtaking my brain and heart, and I kept wondering if he's the one for me. Will all these thoughts push him away from me? I tried to just forget what's past. But history keep knocking on my door and raise that little doubt in me all over again. I hate my past, but my past is what gave me the strength to go through all these obstacles in life. It was because of my past, that I could take almost anything in my stride. It was because of my past too, that I always have doubt. And that doubt seemed to always annoy my loved ones and often, they call it quits and just bid me goodbye.. I tried to curb all my stupid assumptions and false accusations. I don't want to be the control freak. Neither do I want to be the last to know. Sometimes, I wonder how it can be so easy for me fall, and how quickly I got up from that fall. It does make me wonder if I have learn my lesson well sometimes. These thoughts are making my head heavy. I dun feel like talking, fearing I'd say something I don't mean. I dun feel like doing anything, fearing I'd do something I'd regret. If I were to follow my heart, I won't be doing much. I won't learn. FEAR. That's what I need to eliminate. I should seriously remind myself that if it's meant to be, it will always be no matter how much we avoid. And if it's not, it will never happen no matter how hard we try. Often, people give up trying upon reading the quote. If that's the case, you're leaving things to fate alone. True that something are just plainly fated. However, fate truly depends on how hard you work for it too. For instance, you won't find a job without sending your resumes out. You can't say you were fated to be jobless, can you? Back to my case. Honestly, I am simply afraid. The fear of losing is too tremendous. And I know that this same fear will probably make him go away if I am not careful... I just don't wanna lose you. And I dunno what I should do... Will I be able to fulfill my parents' wish? Or will I disappoint them again? I dunno.. And I am afraid.. All these sins... Will I be forgiven?

Weekend is here again..

Assalammu'alaikum readers & friends. I hope the week has been great for all of you... I spent my Valentines' morning blading and sweating out with my two girls and my blade expert. We had lunch at CV and took a peaceful journey back home overlooking the runway.. Rosy fell asleep and Ned got plugged into her mp3 while I tried to stay awake (I did snooze in and out of my tries to stay awake), which leaves my blade expert fighting his eyes open to drive us home. My two girls were so knocked out that they continued to nap after their shower and prayers while I cleaned up the house.. I had a very very early night that night. As a new day approach, we planned to hang out with my friend and her two children. Too bad, the children were running a fever, so we ended up slacking at her place watching DVDs. We got home in time for Beyonce. And that day ended ever so quickly. The next day, I had to be a model for Lin. I was a tad late though.. My sincere apologies. It turned out so great. I met sleepyhead for awhile after that with make up and all. We took some great pictures, and I just loved it to the max. I truly enjoyed my day spent with him. And then I dread to work.. Picking up ISN... And more bad news were to come greeting us... ISN was terminated and we all felt the anguish for her. Why? Just when I was becoming attached to her, just when I fell close to her.. Why must this happen? And so she had to clear up the desk and leave on Friday. We bid our sad farewell sealed with big hugs and lots of love. That night, I met Mr Fisherman. We went to watch his two friends fishing in the pond. The water was clear as mud! And it smells so fragrant - if you know what I mean. We stayed for about 3hours max. And headed home - thanks to my endless yawns. And then came Saturday (today)- my first lonely day without a partner in crime.. Thank god there's DL... There's at least someone whom I can gossip with, and not forgetting the drivers.. I kindda miss Mr Fisherman.. He said he'll be fishing next weekend at PU.. I wanna tag, but I will be working.. Urghz.. I am starting to hate 6days work week.. Like totally hate it.. But I have to hang on... And oh.. Ummie Yam got her car license.. I am so happy for her. Until my next blog, take care. Assalammu'alaikum.

Long Weekend...

Assalammu'alaikum readers, followers, and friends. May this long weekend brings more closure, and much needed love and rest. I had to slave myself to finish my workload today.. And I'm not the only one.. My big boss is coming to work throughout the long weekend. These species work 24/7 it seems, regardless the job title... Weirdos.. Don't they celebrate their new year? Hmmm... Full day here means 6.50am to 9.30pm (earliest) and therefore, half days would mean 7am - 6pm (at least)... Geesh.. Did I just got myself into the wrong co.? I dunno.. But hey.. At least I've got a job, and a paycheck to look forward to, eh? And these people have got pronunciation problems it seems... Staff becomes step.. Road becomes load.. I dunno.. And the way they pronounce my fellow colleague's name.. It sounded almost like a whole new huge word.. Anyways... I am seriously looking forward to sweat out my Sunday.. And the minus point is, my niece found out of my plan and wanted to follow.. And dad asked me if my blade expert can drive the car since my girls wanna come along.. I have yet to ask my blade expert.. And I think I know why he wants my girls to follow.. because then, I won't stay out too late.. then again, there is no chance for me to stay out late.. because blade expert says he'd be working night shift this holiday.. I shouldn't really freak out.. My girls can rent out their blades/bicycles... and I'll blade alongside with them, right? And my blade expert... Will he mind? I should really go ask him instead of typing it all out here.. Gee.. I'm such a freak.. Alright now, until i blog again.. Happy Holidays, everyone, and Gong Xi Fa Cai to all those who celebrates Lunar New Year. Assalammu'alaikum. Happy Holidays, All..

Watch what you say..

Assalammu'alaikum beloved readers and followers. I hope your day has been blissful and filled with love and good deeds. I had a reasonable period of talk with Fisherman following my last entry.. His advice is as I had yearn to hear.. Mom is afterall my mom and that I only have one mom in the world, and he said, "So please, Jun.. watch your words.." ;) I haven't heard that advice for donkey years... Perhaps I need a reminder like how he reminded me. And so I said in silence, "Thank you, Mr Fisherman. I have now came to realize that I've been a little harsh on my own mom..." Mom has spoken to me.. I felt a little relieve.. Thanks to my call yesterday informing her with precise details of my whereabouts and what time I'll be back. Though it seemed hard to bid goodbye... He made it easier for me to give my mom what I have promised. Oh.. and I'm so going to blade this weekend with my blade expert.. It's been a long long time since I catch up with my blade expert. Weee~~~ So looking forward to my weekend now... Until I blog again, Assalammu'alaikum. Best Regards, Jun Yusof

Sometimes....

Assalammu'alaikum fellow sisters and brothers. I hope all are doing great thus far. I've had a rough weekend. My permission being granted was taken away with the twisted words... Perhaps I shouldn't have wanted to go along... Perhaps I shouldn't have gone out when I returned... Perhaps I should have just been alone.. I'm glad there are still a few whom I can trust to cheer me up and to tell me what I could do to make up for my wrongs. Often, these people get outnumbered by the people who go around telling me I'm wrong which was why the existence of people around me who can guide me is very important, and very much appreciated. Honestly, I dun need people coming up to me only to say I'm wrong and nothing else. I need people who acknowledge that I know I am wrong, and give me suggestions as to how I can make up for my wrongs, and that it's okay to do mistakes, and that it's okay to learn no matter how slow or how long I'd take. Often, I hear people telling me I'm a big disappointment to them. Little did they know, that they are implying that statement themselves more than they did to me.. Telling me I'm a disappointment to others did not and will not help me feel or want to be better. It just motivates me to be worse, really.. Sometimes, I wish my mom sees through her actions and words. Sometimes, I wish my dad knew just how much his words meant to me. To be honest, only my dad has been a great person in my life.. He praises me when I least expected. It only took him one word for me to realize the bigger picture. I may have disappointed him before, but never did he ever mentioned what's past. Even if he does, I know he didn't mean it like how my mom mean it. My mom often tells me I'm useless because I didn't do anything. But honestly, I have my schedule and things will be done by me if she stops assuming things that I have yet to do. Sometimes, I wish I only have dad and KN. I'm so glad Fisherman had the same thing I had in mind. No more BI trip until official signage. I seriously dun need these drama going on in my life. I won't miss out much, and I believe I can trust him to ride safe alone. I have a schedule. I will abide by it. If anyone screws it up, then dun point your fingers into my face. Assalammu'alaikum.