Sincerity is Important

Assalammu'alaikum. Alhamdulillah, another day has come to allow me to indulge in the greatness of Allah's creations on Earth. I have learnt yet another lesson in life.

A lesson that took me many many years, and many many downfalls, along with many many buckets of tears from my eyes. And here, I did not exactly learn from my mistakes, but I learn upon realization, analyzing and doing what is advised and prove the theory myself.

In many of my past relationships, I realized that I was never totally sincere. "Relationships" here refer to all kinds of relationship. I realized that I changed, and do good because I was hoping for something in return, I was not sincere. I did it to receive something better. I get upset, angry, sad, and confused when I did not receive anything after doing something I called marvelous, or as what they wanted me to do. This also reflect on my changes in life. I mean, in my quarter decade, I have attempted twice before to cover up, all of which didn't last long, and the reason behind it was because I never did it for Allah, or for my own good. I did it because I want people to say something good about myself, I want people to notice me, I want attention. And this I have to admit, was childish and stupid.

I won't want to say much about my current changes, for I know not what the future brings. However, insya'Allah, this will be able to last a lifetime, because I know now that I am sincere in answering His calls, I know now that I am sincere to change for the better, and most importantly for Allah.

This view and this sincerity of greatness from Allah has spread across to my relationships. I tried my best to be sincere, I remind myself every night before sleep, and every morning when I wake up. I told myself that I want to be sincere, that I can be sincere, and that I will be sincere. This comes with a reminder, that I should not hope for any returns of deeds. I also told myself that I want to be able to control my anger and temper, that I should allow myself time to cool down before reacting. I want to, and that I will. This little prep talks became habits that I instill, and it helped me through my days up to date.

In my current relationships, because I am now trying my best to be sincere, I get rewards that I never asked for. Rewards that noone but myself can see and feel. The rewards Allah gave me is the will to seek knowledge, to stay close to Him and to get closer to Him. He opened my heart. He gave me peace of mind, He lessen my burden not by eliminating my problems that I face, but he gave me strength to face up with my problems, and patience to go through it till the end. And every step is a test for me. I was never known to be patient, or slow-paced. For me to have patience, and to go really slow in getting things done, is a big challenge for me - and it is very rewarding (at least for me it is).

In my current days now, I eliminate hatred from my dictionary. Hatred to me now, means a lot of energy that brings me nowhere. I had replaced hatred with forgiveness. Forgiving someone brings change, brings about second chances, brings about cleanliness or some people term it as purity or redemption to renew.

When someone I love tells me something that hurts me, I closed my eyes, and breathe. I tell myself that it is okay and that I should forgive, and with this forgiveness in heart, I reminded myself that everyone needs to be reminded. And so I ended up telling them that I'm still here for them, no matter what. For I want the best for them, I remind them to remember and seek help for Him who could and He who knew best what could help. Doing this sometimes invite them to hurt me more by saying they dun care, and at times they tell me upfront that they dun need me anymore.

I never left those I love, I just couldn't because I love them. I love them, so all the more I shouldn't because I care for them and I want to be there for them. Love as they say, is complicated. But it is actually a simple equation, really. Just look at how Allah love us all. We can take His example to start with. If that is hard, maybe we can look at how our Prophet Muhammad loved us. He never left us stranded, did he? He never disrespect us, did he?

Allah for one, I knew, never closed His doors to any of His servant no matter how much that servant has betrayed or hurt Him. He allowed His doors to remain open and to constantly remind His servant through the sunrise and sunset. Prophet Muhammad, is one that I honoured and respect the most. Despite facing terrible pain of death, he still prayed and hoped for the best of his citizens. He was still thinking of us -his citizen. He was still praying for our welfares, and was seeking for our convenience instead of his. He never asked Allah to ease his pain when faced with the pain of death. He never asked Allah for his own benefits sake, instead, he asked Allah to give us a promise and to grant us a wish to be with him there in Heaven. He was worried about us, he was sincere. For this, I now wake up thanking him and Allah. I thank Prophet Muhammad by praying for him - Shalawat. I thank Allah, by remembering him - Zikir.

With great examples like this. Knowing that our creator Himself, is willing to continually forgive us all over and over again. Giving us all second chances to change for the better sincerely. Our prophet, despite being the best of the best, bow down humbly in due respect for his other counter parts, and speaks with kindness, and explains patiently, and thinks of others whom he loved. Why couldn't we, the normal humans, do the same or more? Afterall we are all His servants, shouldn't we be ashamed? Shouldn't we feel disgusted when we tried to judge others, and speak rudely of others, and not think of others?

Then again, my friends, everything has to start with you. You have to respect yourself before you can truly respect others. You have to love yourself before you can truly love others. You have to have something positive to say about yourself before you can see the positive attributes in other people around you. Everything begins with you. If you want to see the strengths in other people, you have to first know your own strengths, and recognize your weakness. When you know you weakness, you naturally look for someone who is strong is your weakness, so they can influence you to be strong too.

Always remember, my dearest friends, regardless of what religion, race or language you speak, everything begins with you. If you want others to learn and respect what is norm to you, you have to have adequate knowledge and upmost respect for it first. And if you have got that core, you'd want to start with yourself. You'd want to learn other people's norm and be sincere about it. Sincerity is Important.

With sincerity, comes many other good attributes in life that will attract many other good attributes that will help in future and through your whole life.

May today's lesson brings about a better tomorrow with more lessons to learn to bring a better week ahead. Insya'Allah.

Assalammu'alaikum.

My New Life

Assalammu'alaikum. Alhamdulillah, I have lived another day with my new life. Some things may appear tough, but with my will, focus, and guidance from Him, I have made it smooth sailing thus far.

Insya'Allah, this would be permanent, following some learning in depth of what I have left behind, pushed aside, for other things before what is truly necessary. With the strength I have, I would love to pass it on, to give moral support, and example to change those who wants to, and to give them the strength to do what they have always wanted to do. And thanks to everyone who remained strong and gave me strength to go on...

May today be better than yesterday, and may today brings about a better tomorrow. Insya'Allah. Wa'alaikumsalam.

A letter

I've drafted a letter to be posted here.. But I decide to just save a draft and not post.. The situation is still at its stagnant peak.. I shouldn't make things worse..

Mr Nice Guy, I love you more when you are straight forward and honest... ;)

No matter how far, I hope you know I am right there with you. No matter how long, I hope you know, I was never apart from you.

Hope your day goes smooth today and tomorrow...

Good Night.

Check out my FB

To those loyal readers, do read up my Malay Novel - Cinta Seorang Janda [Bahagian 2]. The first episode has been published following my completion of 5th episode behind the screen...

I really hope I can find a publisher who is interested to make it into a book.. Perhaps I'd try the library...

Anyway, Mr Nice Guy... I just hope he does what he has to do soonest. I know I gave 6 months, but I'm really getting on my edge with my jealousy issues.. I tried my best, but I couldnt lie about it for the months to come...

And.. I really hope 2010 would be a better year for everyone, me and him especially.

At least, give me a job to start with... Because with a job, I can start off my trial and error for my low capital business venture. I really hope I can execute what I had planned..

I am getting desperate to hold a job... I can't believe it's been 9 months since I was retrenched, and not get a replacement full time job permanently - that is.. I am seriously running dry.. no longer has reserves to move on.. How I managed to pull through this far, is still a mystery within myself. From close to $3K a month, I actually am surviving with $300 a month.. for the past 6 months at least. I seriously dunno how I do it.. But I did it... Yes, there're outstandings - that I cannot deny..

Perhaps, I should start changing my inner self, and slowly let it grow to show on the outside.. Perhaps that would help...

Oh.. I've been having strange weird dreams... Totally totally weird dreams..

Anyways, I hope I can be strong enough to make the change possible.. for the better, for my own good, for my future, for everything..

But I can't do it alone.. I need you, Mr Nice Guy. I need you to continually guide me.. To be there for me... And I really need you to do what you have to do, and totally start from scratch again.. I will always be there for you. And I wanna to at least be there for your kids.. Insya'Allah...

And that will only happen if you allow me to... Otherwise, I'll leave it to Him.. May He guide us both to the right path, to remain strong, to go through everything... to settle everything smoothly..

Why must it turn this way?

Why? Why must everyone see it in such a negative way? Do they seriously think I'm that strong?

I was there all along, and when I'm feeling so low and confused, they just disappear thinking i'm better without their company.

If I wanted to, I would have done so without saying, without telling... I dunno what to do anymore... I dunno why I'm still here breathing anymore... Everytime I meet someone I end up caring and loving so much, someone that I dun want to ever lose... The moment I said let's split, they only say ok. No reasoning, No compromising.. No bargaining...

They seriously thinks by leaving me alone, things would be better for me... Seriously, I meant to say, IF YOU NEED MORE TIME... WE SHALL CUT DOWN ON OUR DATES... I dun mean, LEAVE ME ALONE.

As it is, I have been feeling lonely and alone for the longest time despite having a so-called boyfriend... And now.. F&^% la... Seriously... What is wrong with me?

I seriously dun deserve anyone, right? Everytime i meet someone, this just have to happen. And I'll be left all alone fending everything.

I am seriously good for nothing. Nothing but loneliness, and trouble. Damn.

And F&*% that stupid hit & run driver!!!!!!

Silence vs Truth vs Lies

Silence : Neither the truth nor the lie. Just silence that keep people wondering what is going on. Often than not, others would take it negatively and presume something is wrong somewhere, and that he/she is hiding something from them.

Truth : May hurt, but the best policy nonetheless.

Lies : The worst of all, often, once you're caught, there's no U-turn. Noone would believe you 100% anymore.

Silence seemed harmless, but it seemed to hurt me more than I could imagined. Maybe because I cared and loved too much, or maybe because I couldn't face my own fears of losing someone whom I've cared and loved too much. I dunno. But it hurts.

I really would appreciate the truth. I rather have someone to tell me he's with someone else and would not want me to interfere or disturb him, then to receive this silent treatment shit.. No calls no texts, and then suddenly like for instantly he disappeared, he would appear and pretend nothing really happened.

Honestly, I dun mind... But I would really appreciate if he'd share. But I guess, it's this thing about men and sharing their problems with women. They have this thing against it. Ego perhaps. But MEN, silence dun solve anything. And sharing does not make you any less of a MAN.

Silence : Makes me worry like hell... Makes me looked stupid... Makes me feel all alone.

Truth : Might hurt my feelings.. But the truth has its own remedy which comes when I calm down and come to terms with it.

Lies : Might keep me happy for awhile. But when I find out, it'd eliminate all my trust in you.

So, please, choose wisely... Thank You.

I'm still waiting for you to tell me, still waiting for you to solve everything... Still waiting for you to be with me.

Don't let me find out.... I really dun want to... Thank You.

One done, two to go....

So my spare helmet, which i never bring along with my bike ever before became more than just useful last night, it practically made an impossible job possible and in fact, successful.

I am relieved. It seems that I was on my "help someone" mode the whole of yesterday as of 9am to midnight. I felt good... Good to be reminded that I'm not a useless bum... I'm useful when someone comes forward and tell me they need my help. Even if I can't exactly help and solve everything, I could at least bring in what I know and who I knew to help out...

So PRis is over. MP and B now to go... I hope things will go smoothly.. The trick here is to go bit by bit at a time for B, if what he says is true, it won't take more than 2weeks to clear everything, to finish it with a few words.. As for MP, we have to thoroughly plan. The trick for here is to pack carry and go for MP in one single day.

For that we have to really really plan things out, decide on a date, and execute. This HAVE to come with an alternative plan for just in case situations.

I wont ask for anything to repay me of all my help. I just hope no such similar mistakes would be repeated, and that this will come with at least a tad happiness that could never come round if all these did not take place.

Like him, I'm tired of life... Keep failing... Keep falling...
I hope like me, he'd gain the confidence again, to keep trying with high determination to get things that dun deserve him out of his system and begin a fresh new life with someone who deserves more of him.

I'll continue to wait for you... May everything be better in time to come...

Confused

In midst of confusion and stir ups of emotions, things get complicated and messy...

I hope it wont take too long for it to finally to solved and over with... I just hope what is said comes from the heart. And I hope I dun have to go through another painful patch...

I'm tired.... Been throwing up, havent ate since yesterday.... Head feels heavy... I just can't wait for all these mess to be over and done with... So a new life can begin, peaceful with no interference.

I'll be here waiting... Till time is right... I'll be right here... For you forever...