Rain.....

It seems to me that everytime I'm heading down to Jurong, it will rain midway only to be bright and hot upon reaching the destination.

It would be raining so darn heavily at one part of Jurong, and hot sunny day on the other side of Jurong, and on the journey, it would be wet and humid... Makes me sick...

And poor Mr Nice Guy got wet and now suffering from major headache... Wish I was there massaging his headache away...

I received the most tips today... Broke the previous record by double! It seems to me, that my cash flow improved by a bit eversince I have Mr Nice Guy with me.. And I just can't seem to get enough of him, really... Literally, mentally, in every way...

We talked a lot, everyday... on the phone, in person.. and yet, we can't seem to talk enough... And I am so loving it!

And noone heard anything about that retired King, and strange, but I truly dun quite care... I am curious though, but doesnt seem to bother me... Even AS was asking me if I knew his whereabouts, seems like he had told the whole world... But well... You are just lucky that I didnt go around telling the whole world what amazing 2 years we have had... So stop worrying your family and just do yourself a favour and ease everyone from unnecessary worries. You looked down on people who ran away from their problems, but you're just one of them... I hope you're proud of that.

Ok... back on me.. it's strange really.... for 3 years, I barely gets stressed financially.. and yet, I'm unhappy somehow.. But now, I am so overly financially stressed and constrained... But I seemed happier...

And I had this chat with my sis, and in midst of our conversation, I started to talk about some stupid fantasies i have been having... You know like if I were given a million dollars kindda situation... I tell ya.. I'd clear my debts, along with my partner's, and my family's... and use the balance, to grant everyone's wishes... These kindda chat seemed neverending really... If only I have that kindda money.. Haha.. I'd at least be debt free... And I'd at least have the freedom to settle down nicely, and allow my sis to settle down nicely just as well as I would have...

Oh my... these dreams sometimes gets carried away... And I shared it with him.. He brought a big huge smile on my face.. I can't seem to tell him just how much I am in love with him enough. I keep repeating the same three words over and over... And I still feel like i havent said enough... Sometimes I'm afraid of strangling him with my overpowering love.. On contra, I can never get enough of his four words in exchange of my three words.. and vice... I just so get bouncy and happy, and joyful with just the littlest things that he does for me...

3 years... I hope I can make it sooner... Oh someone pls donate me that million bucks.. I promise I'd do all the good deeds... Haha.. Ok.. I guess it's time for me to go to my dreamland and meet my dearest future...

Miss him loads... Seriously, I'm starting to sound like a 15 year old girl who's in love for the first time, am I not?

Home....

I thought of those days that I felt strangled when I am with someone who wants to meet me everyday, and those days when my other half used to always report and asked for hourly reports, and how I used to always complain and whine about the little space I have left for myself...

Ironically... Right now, I can't seem to go without a day not seeing him, I can't seem to feel at peace without his texts, without his calls, I felt lost without the frequent updates... And I wonder why some things changed and some things don't.

I dunno why I felt so strangely, weirdly complete being around him with him talking to him looking at him kissing him hugging him snuggling in his arms holding his hands. I just felt so complete. And yet, when he asked me why I loved him... I couldn't find a reason, not that there's nothing for me to love him... but it seems that I love him because just because, because he made me feel so complete. I just cant explain it with words, I love him because I feel free with him around, I love him because I feel more complete than ever before.

It's strange how I used to complain about the lack of freedom I have in a relationship, and yet I felt so good to always be with him. And of recent days, I felt guilty because I refuse to say my goodbye, I dragged, minute by another, hour by another... because I know I felt empty and alone when I bid my goodbye, I dun want him out of my sight. I want him to always be with me... I dunno why I feel this way.

I've always been someone who wants to have her own space, to have freedom to move around, to go around, and to do her own things her own way by herself... but this time, I just dunno why I became so in need of him around.

I guess I feel like telling him everything I have in mind... Every memory.. I feel like sharing and listening to his life stories.. I feel like I couldn't tell enough, I couldn't talk enough, and i felt like I hadn't known enough, i hadn't listened enough. At the same time, sometimes, I scare myself... like what if we know too much about each other.. But at the same time, I wonder if we can know enough about each other...

Anyway, in my previous entry... I mentioned prince... I mentioned castle.. I know princes don't quite exists, and castles are not exactly something I fancy...

I just meant someone who would bring me to a place where it's home for both of us... It could very well be an unknown cave somewhere... Or just an empty room with nothing but the 4 walls, a roof, and the cement floor...

I used to wonder if I'd own my own bungalow house, 3 floors high complete with attic, swimming pool in the backyard, and basement garage, and what not... But that is just a dream, if it comes true.. Then it'd be such a blessing... But in reality, I'm more than happy with a small flat that is just sufficient to house our family.

I have been having happy dreams... And I cant stop but smile myself to sleep, and to smile when I wake up as I looked at my phone, to text him as my smile grew wide... I just hope everything goes well, and may our future be as bright as the sun that shines our days... and may the moon brightens the darkness that may befall us if it must.

I just hope, we can continue to belong to each other and be each other's last "kopek".

And guess what, I missed him already....

When the past is buried.....

Reminiscing on my past.. I realized I've been through quite a lot.. I never expect myself to be this strong, to continue moving on despite the many obstacle that I have to go through.

Never expected myself to hold a degree... Never expected myself to be retrenched, and finding it hard to find a job after 7months. Never thought I'd be a nanny... Never thought, I'd be married at 17, and to be divorcee on my 20th birthday. Never thought I'd have white boyfriends. Never thought I'd go live through to be the sole breadwinner in the family.

Never thought I'd think of being a housewife, settling down.. I had always thought I'd be one of those career driven mom.. But now, right now... I wanted so much to settle down and be a nanny for life.

I dunno why I've been thinking of settling down a lot these days... I guess I just wanna be happy. But it seems, all my life.. My happiness was never everlasting.... Do I not deserve to be happy? Or are these just so I could tell and appreciate every happiness that I have?

I dunno what I'll do if all fails... I dunno if I can carry on without anyone to call mine, i dunno if I can continue to be strong and continue breathing with nothing to my name...

All I want, is my prince to take my hand to his castle, provide enough food, to make me smile, to kiss me when dawn breaks, to hug me when the night is cold, to make love, to allow me to bear his children, to have the children to shower us love, as we grow old together... To look in each others eyes, and be grateful that we met, and made it through thus far...

Will the prince come? Is the prince with me right now? Will he rescue me and be with me till the last breath? Will I see what a happy family would look like?

Whilst everyone seemed to fail, I find myself afraid, afraid to lose a battle once again.... What if it's me who's just not there yet... What if it's me who's not right? What if it's me who fail? What would I do? What would the prince do? Would he continue saving me? Or would he, too, run away to be with someone more perfect?

These what ifs, are making me nausea... And I feel so afraid, so alone... So confused... So in need... So miserable... Why?

Another wedding, another debate...

My second cousin got married last week which i had missed due to work, so they made me tag them to the guy's side... And so I was asked when my turn will come.

My favorite answer for now, could be anytime soon, could be later.. He decides, not me. I could have been married, I could have failed again. I could also wait and wait, and end up not marrying a second time. I can only plan for my happy ending, but I am noone to decide.

For now, Mr Nice Guy will be a mystery for all to keep guessing his real identity. I know I feel genuinely happy and loved. I like the fact that we can talk for hours just by staring into the sky merely talking about the clouds.

I enjoy talking to him, knowing he wants to know and is interested to know, cared to know, and is listening.

Oh.. before I forget, I wanna share this love quote I saw, "When you've found a reason to walk away, never look back... Just keep walking. It's better to get lost moving on than to get stuck and stranded broken."

It kindda help explain why my heart is closed for the retired King. The best part was, I did not hate him, I did not feel revengeful, I did not feel hurt anymore, I just felt that I can't accept him. I just can't find the room to relent to his words. I felt irritated with his repeated telecast. 2 years, and still no change.

He is doing what he did early this year, the same dialogue, the same drama. Still, at the end of the day, he's still the same ol jack.

It's not about deserving someone better, it's about wanting to be someone better for someone who truly loves you. Right now, at this moment, I gladly announce, that I am happy with someone who truly loves me, who loves communicating with me as much as I want to communicate with him, who tells me his opinion, his honest thoughts, and kept the focus of our communication topics to each other, our expectations, and the relationship we are going to establish more than anything else.

I wanna type more, but honestly.. I am so sleepy after eating so much, looking very much like a lady who's 3months pregnant.. Urghz.. And I will go on yagging and talking to him who wants to listen.

To the retired King : Go back to your parents, and the girl they chose for you. I am not God to decide for you. Neither am I anyone great to tell you what you have to do. For all I know, I had enough of all these drama. Two words: TOO LATE.

Quoted from Syurga Cinta

Jodoh itu terbagi kepada 3:

Pertama, jodoh dari syaitan
Kamu berdua berkenalan.
Berpeganan tangan dan terus membuat maksiat
akhirnya dia mengandung. Baru kamu menikah

Kedua, jodoh dari jin
Kamu berdua berkenalan.
Kamu sukakan dia. tapi dia tidak sukakan kamu.
kamu bomohkan dah syihirkan agar dia sukakan kamu
dan kamu dua menikah

Ketiga, jodoh dari Allah
Kamu berdua berpandangan mata dan terus menusuk kalbu
Kamu masuk meminang dan dia terima pinangan itu
dan kamu berdua menikah
insy’allah, berkekalan hingga ke akhir hayat
dan itulah yg dikatakan..
Syurga Cinta .

I dunno how to translate the above.. But I hope Mr Nice Guy is the man whom He has created for me, to take care of me, and to be with me till eternity.

He waited for one year.. one exact year... Is this fate, or is this yet another illusion of my much wanted happy ending?

I rejected him last year, only to be with the King and to only find my heart broken into a million pieces. After one exact year, Allah allowed our paths to intersect one more time... Allah knows what is best for me, and I shall trust him, and accept what is bound to happen and what has already been planned for me, undertake and to go through all the hurdles that He wants me to through and I will always thank Him for everything.

May I find the Jodoh from Allah this time round... Insya'Allah.

"Pain in the arse" BF vs "Bullshit" BF Part 4

A BULLSHIT bf would say he dun wanna lose you but marry someone else, saying he's forced to do it.

A PAIN IN THE ARSE bf would say he's leaving his parents to be with you.

A BULLSHIT bf would measure his love by the materialistic values that he has.

A PAIN IN THE ARSE bf would say he has nothing but his love for you and would do everything that it takes persistently without failure.

A BULLSHIT bf would say he wants to be with you, but will still marry someone else anyway.

A PAIN IN THE ARSE bf would tell you he's going to do a makeover session with another girl simply because. And would tell you upfront even before the makeover takes place.

A BULLSHIT bf would hide everything, and when you find out, he'll claim that he had wanted to tell you earlier.

This is Life....

I'm exited out of the King's life. I found his makeover photos with his future wife on Syra Skinz, and so he admitted that he's going to get married at the end of the year. And so be it.

My heart is broken and beared so much hurt that it hurts to even mention his name. Tears parted from my eyes without me knowing, my nights went without sleep, my fever kept increasing, my weight continued to go down, and yet I was still labeled as the bad person.

Aku lah manusia yang paling hina di pandangan keluarga Kau, dari itu, silalah undurkan diri Kau daripada hidup Aku seperti mana Aku disiksa zahir dan batin untuk terus keraskan hati untuk menghapuskan segala memori Aku bersama Kau secara sengaja atau tidak. Jangan lah Engkau dekati Aku atau cuba untuk muncul dalam hidup Aku selagi Engkau hidup, kerana sudah tiada lagi ruang kemaafan bagi Engkau dalam hati Aku yang sudah diremuk teruk oleh Engkau.

Aku lah manusia yang paling hina di pandangan keluarga Kau, dari itu, aku tidak akan pernah layak untuk terus berada di dalam hidup Kau walaupun hanya sekadar di dalam ingatan. Dari itu hentikan bibir Kau daripada mengungkapkan nama Aku walau di dalam mimpi Kau. Aku sekadar wanita janda yang hina di pandangan keluarga Kau, tinggalkan Aku dan lupakan Aku.