Exam Tomorrow

And it's time to freak out for last minute studying!! And guess what? I'm still in the office..

Ok... Why am I blogging instead of rushing back home to study? Well.. I have got no access to internet from home, plus my lappie has got fever, and I haven't got much time to sent it to the doctor yet, not to mention - I am yet again broke like never before...

Am on leave tomorrow, might meet KI for a short 5 minutes, (and no, we're not up to any quickie, although I wouldnt mind), then meeting Sharmie...

Speaking of quickie... Kindda getting a little kinky and ooo... Maybe it's time to have some already.. Haha..

I'm going nuts, of course I need some, don't I?

Alright now, time to get my serious mood back up again... Okay.. Little updates that I've left out in earlier entries...
1. I have got my mom a gift that she's been gagging about the whole past 3 months.
2. Parents found out about the SGR secret.
3. Friction between Her and Me
4. KI is taking it pretty cooly, it's good that he's not making this friction a problem between us.
5. His friend got a fractured arm after a game yesterday, got admitted and his pants is with me. (And no, we're not up to anything behind KI. He left his pants and I just do the picking up and forgot to pass it to KI)
6. Exams!! I really really ought to do my studying 10 minutes ago!
7. I just realised that I only meet KI for not more than twice a week lately. And we always end up meeting in groups. (Imagine.... no private hugs, no private kissies, no private talks, no ehem... gee.. makes me so... you know... )
8. I got those prank smses again...
9. I realize I got myself so busy, i sometimes forgot what I have to do next...
10. I just simply need to remind myself that I've exams tomorrow, and this thing can wait till next week...
11. Karaoke Night is on Wednesday night, but I don't feel like going because I don't have much with me now.
12. OKAY... Time to go back home and study!!

Later~

Wonder and Ponder....

At times, I wonder what my mistakes are and where I had gone ultimately wrong... I dunno when I will ever learn my lesson... I had gone through deep falls in the pits, gone through the lock-ups and left in the darkness... And as soon as I see the light again, I just go around and offer myself to fall again...

I am not stupid, not naive... Just too kind... Just wanting to help others... I dunno why I always want to help others when I can't even help myself. I dunno why I'm giving so much to others, and not any for myself...

I tried to erase my past, maybe that's why I keep forgetting the "lessons learnt" portion of life... Don't ask me why I attempt to erase my past...

What was I thinking when I offered all these goodwill by financial means? Was it because I knew how vulnerable it feels when one is out of cash? Why do I always offer to switch places and be the poorest when I could jolly well be the richest?

I am running out of motivation at work when I found out that it wasn't gonna be me transferred to Aussie. It was someone else... and it seemed to have confirmed... But maybe this is a good thing, I have got a degree to chase and another year to go before I get my passport, so hopefully another opportunity rise for me at a better time for me to seize and just fly across the border to work and be alone...

I really ought to sleep now.. Have got two projects waiting for me tomorrow morning..

Good night, fellas...

And oh, thanks, Mr, for dropping by with valuable advice as usual..

Credits to Blogger.com

Why? Because I just go and rant, and got my 50bucks to survive.. Guess it's just coincidence... but hey.. I should celebrate and rant even more..

Haha.. Gotta go school now.. And my prints has gone missing.. Gee...

Life is getting better but harder

Doesnt make sense? Well, I really dunno what to update really...

Well, KI and I are getting on well... But sometimes, I just still hate him.. But love him just as well... Geesh.. Life's complicated enough, and now it's getting even more complicated...

And people who owe me just refuse to update me with what's going on, and I'm left with just 4 bucks to survive.. WTH??

It's not like I'm asking for full payment, just some for me to survive... For goodness sake, people please use your freaking brains and think of what others have to go through to help, and is this what you have in return? Geesh...

It's not that I expected anything in return for my goodwill.. But geesh, people wake up!! I'm broke because of you guys and all I hear from others about you is that you could afford to play golf and karaoke, but not a cent to give me just so I can survive?! WTF!!?!

I passed my RTT, it expired thats why i retook it... Now i need to renew my PDL but can't because noone seemed to pay me on time and WITHOUT notifying me.. Geesh, am I really that scary or unreasonable for people to be honest and upfront about not being able to pay up?!

And it irritates me more today because my whole freaking body is aching from yesterday's accident! YES, people I got into an accident, got a big huge bump at the side of my knee, another big bump on my thumb and bruises all over... I had to limp everywhere I go...

Why couldnt people just do what they had promised?! Okay, I admit, it's not like I fulfill all my promises, I am aware and I know.. But still, I would have called up and say I couldnt do it anymore..

But all I get now is silence... silence.. and silence....

All my bills were put on hold because of these ungrateful people... Oh when will these people appreciate me? And why am I always surrounded by such people? Geesh....

Go ahead, tell me that it was my choice... My BAD choice... but hey, is it wrong to give people another chance? Is it my fault that they didn't bother trying to make up for their past mistakes?

Argh.. my goodness!! GIMME A BREAK, or I'll end up BREAKING YOUR FACE.....

I'm fuming with anger and irritation... JUST please DO NOT ATTEMPT TO MAKE IT WORSE....

PLEASE!!!!!!!

Is it really too much to ask for a small 20 to 50 bucks as compared to the hundreds that you owe me? I worked doubly the hard and earn the bucks only to be broke yet again, it's almost a cycle, I think ten times to just buy food and there you are taking taxis everywhere, playing golf, going for karaoke, going for a stroll somewhere, do a little shopping and all.. And all I want is to have the little bit of money to EAT, yes EAT... Is it really too much to ask?

Mothers' Day

First and foremost, Happy Mothers' Day to all mommies out there.

I had a talk with Sis yesterday, about what happen and why it happen... It was nice to know and be sure now that KI does loves me... At the same time, sometimes I wonder if things would repeat itself, the reason why I think I need to talk to him more often. I need more time with him. To know him, to know both our likes and dislikes. I guess I loved him too much, and that's just why I gave him another chance to make do. I am honestly giving myself another chance as well...

I missed him more... And it's driving me nuts.. It gives me more reasons to smile, and at the same time, it gives me the shivers should things get repeated. I guess we both needs to work harder on this if we truly love the relationship so much. It's not about who's fault anymore. It's more about how we can make things better.

And I need to talk to him so much... I just want to tell him what I feel... And how much he means to me.. How much I needed to be loved... But at times, I just don't know what to say when I see him, because I miss him so much, and all I want to do was to admire him and hug him till dawn...

I dunno.... Maybe I'm just going crazy....

Rain has poured and haze is partially gone...

Don't ask me why or how, but I have just ran into his arms again... I honestly didnt know he meant so much to me, and that I loved him this ever so much...

And yet, I couldnt sleep till it's about 4 today.. And yes, I'm in the office on time and am stealing time at work again..

My outgoing has been barred, so if you need me, do call me direct on my mobile.

Thanks.

Till later~

My mind in a bad haze

It's hazy here in my mind... Can't really see what's happening... I've became such a stone-hearted lady here. And I guess people should know why.. I am just feeling extra sick and tired of being hurt time and again...

I've given too much face and chances, and everyone's taking full advantage of the ride...

I didnt go to work today... Probably will hit a quiet spot to do up my assignment. I need to see a doctor too... So I think I better hit and run now...

Later~

What more...?

After so much hurt that almost killed me, he text me asking if we could be friends.. Like when will the hurt stop?

Oh, i spent 8 hours at work today and had to return to office tomorrow.. Life will never stop sucking, won't it?

SIGH... I am just way too tired... hungry... and couldnt sleep... No more med to help me sleep....

I couldnt feel much now... I couldnt feel the need to have an emotion at this point of time...

Like I said before, what's the point of anything about it when you know it's only you who cared?

I had tried one time to many to stop caring... Time and again, failure greets my efforts...

Strange, but I miss all the Scorpios in my life... It was said once, that it's hard for Scorpios to get along well with its kind, but it seemed like I had all the good times with only the Scorpios...

Strange as it is... I need a break..... Gimme some cash, and gimme some place to go, where I can leave all my worries and escape for just a moment....

Broken once again

True to what I've expected.. It ended short last night after a series of text messages. I felt cold, shivered even, it was more like I'm frustrated over myself than upset.

I was fine last night because I was with Sharmie.. Had I been alone, there probably would be so much destruction and my potrait could very well be in the front page this morning.

I thought I could hold it up till end of the day, but I couldnt hold it and had to speak to someone. I ended up calling WV. He's the best person to seek advice from. Afterall, he's the only one who can understand me enough. And he's the best person to talk to when in need, because he will say what you need to hear, not words that you want to hear.

I ended up crying like a baby over my confusion in the tsunami of emotions. He was rather calm in handling my situation and he explained what happened to us then. He assured me it wasnt my fault, but couldnt answer when I questioned, "If it wasnt my fault, if it wasnt because of me, then why is it that every guy i know simply walk away or just leave me for some unknown reasons?"

I could tell in his tone that he felt bad about my position. He asked me to not to give up hope. But what's there to hope when you only fall after?

I dunno how, but he managed to made me laugh in midst of my tear bursting session. He made me smile after and allowed to cool off and calm down.

Then I concluded that he's probably the only one who could understand me, and it'd be hard to find someone who could understand me more than he does. I told him this, and he went on saying that I was so far, the only girl who understands him this much. He mentioned something about my libido, and I had to laugh....

What more is there to say? I have just became a walking zombie, there's no more feelings left in my soul. No more tears, no more smiles, only memories remain, but that too is slowly disappearing...

I am tired, just way too tired...

Oh, I am not watching the movie, I sold my tickets away.. There's no point watching it.. I would probably end up crying and then I will have to deal with people asking me why or accusing me of being overly emotional again...

Oh, wtf? Gimme a break.

A talk with her once again..

Clears some parts that has been clogging my head a little. Then again, I am still confused with what to do and how...

I dunno. He texted me after many attempts of calls and texts... only to ask what more I want from him.. So I asked if it's still on this Friday, and all he could say is see how...

I think the movie is luring him more than it would be me luring him...

I am starting to doubt if this is it or if this is just another.... I would be lying to say that I don't care anymore or that I'd be okay to just walk away.. Because I know I am only hurting myself by lying...

On a lighter note, I am darn motivated to go all out on my bike. Thanks to my dearest bro.. Luv you, man! Haha...

We are so gonna race to death.. and have lots of fun...

Apologies, but you may have difficulties finding me once I get the license in my hands...

Gd nyte fellas...

Queer Self Discovery 2

Emotions. Can human live to compromise their emotions? Why must there always be an individual who mock your emotions? Can emotions be truly defined in details?

Love, for example... What is its definition? To compromise and unite two humans?

Hatred for example... What is its definition when hatred can suddenly change into something unlike hatred?

Jealousy for example... What is its definition when jealousy only proves that one has feelings for another and at the same time could destroy the relationship altogether?

Hurt- a feeling that's painful... Painful when it's self-inflicted, and more painful when caused by others, but it also hurts sometimes when you hurt someone else... Then again, I laughed at myself when I hurt myself.. Is this sadism?

I really don't know why I am typing all this and for whom this is for... I am simply in this whole twirl of emotions...

Main cause? Man.. or rather men...

They confuse me... More than I confuse myself... Just me, maybe. I dunno...

It's weird to know that the small things I thought was seen as something big by him, and what I see as big things was seen as just a another joke by him.

I think I don't know him anymore. I am not even sure if I know myself now.

Ego? Mine? His? Maybe both.

I am at a verge to just give myself up for auction. I don't know why I should tolerate flirtatious behaviour and simply admit all fault to be mine... And continue to be the reason of all failure.

On the bright side, I finally went to my Aunt's place, the mom I missed so much. I finally got that bond from my younger brother and sister (and even dad), but still find it awkward with my older brother. But that's good enough. I have found myself a place where I'm still welcomed.

However, I still cant reveal this happiness I've found openly at my own house, it seems like mom is still afraid that dad will be mad. It seems like dad is having those bad past feelings back.. It sucks.. I don't know when this war will end.

I thought it's over and dad has finally open up his heart to forgive and forget, but I guess not...

I still havent found the cure... And I'm hurting so much inside, doesnt help with all the confusion that is building up in my head.