Thursday Today Not Tomorrow

The usual Thursday rush... Discussion then tender preparations. Busy day busy night.

Got invited to go for a BBQ. Z wanted me to come, dead or alive.. So I just made my presence known, Z fetched me anyway. So no problem or excuse for me. Went to Z's sister's house, H and well, reintroduction considering not having met them for 6 years, probably more. Her daughter, A, is so well-grown and keeps smiling. It was really such a nice gesture to have invited me along. Not many people so I guess I had made myself to my own comfort. Then H put on the VCD, Robots. It's really funny. Had so many good laughs. Strangely, Z keep staring at me instead of the TV.

It is getting late and Z sent me home, had a talk with Z. About everything, how things are, yadayadayada... And Z asked me for a second chance. Told him, I'm not ready. It's the truth, I'm not ready for anything for as long as it requires commitment. Well, not for now and not anytime soon. It's nice to see Z again, and a good talk we have about everything. I wasn't ready when Mr got into the picture, it was just like a roller coaster ride. I had all the thrill, the fun, the joy, and everything.. But when I wanted to commit, I find Mr not ready just as yet.

I had done all the thinking, and I don't think I would want to add complications into my family again. I mean if I don't want him to convert for stupid reason like marriage, then again, I don't want my family to make a distance from me. They would if I were to have a mix religion marriage. It's not just them, for me as well.. I don't want to be like this forever, being free, drinking, smoking or looking forward to something forbidden before marriage like you know what. I would want to stop eventually. I would want to be happy, and have my family happy and stay close together.

To be honest, I'm considering staying single, not get married, and just be happy alone. Not have any committments, just me, my parents, my sisters, and my totties.Then again, Mr had brought about a lot of things that was hidden, and for that I'm forever grateful to him. I won't forget him and never close to hate him for anything. If not for him, a lot of things wouldn't have got to where it is right now.

Then again, sometimes.. Just sometimes, I wish things were different. But I know, that if things were different, everything else would too. I've been through a lot, and nothing can pull me down, not now..

My mind, my body, and heart and my soul is tired of trying too hard. I want to stop. I want to let go. I want to forget. I want to forgive. On the other hand, I don't think I have the courage to say all this, or even the tiniest part of it to Mr. I am afraid, too afraid of losing him. Sometimes I hear myself say that it won't work. Yet my soul is obligated. He had done so much, I have no reason to simply leave him and let him go. Then again, if I don't... I would be at the losing end because I had known it won't work too far. I had that feeling once, I followed my soul and I ended up with someone shitting on my face, spit and simply left. I should this time thinking with my brains. Be practical and stay happy with myself- at least.

All I want was to be happy. I don't want to repeat what I've done before. I kept moving, but with no direction. I went where the wind take me.

And I asked the wind, "Where are you taking me?" And I heard her answer, "Where you want to be."

I shall leave the rest for God to decide. I shall do what I can do and not think of things I can't. I shall want to have the things I have and not think of things that I can't have.

I want 3Fs - Family, Friends and Fun. And I have them.