Shall I or shall I not?

I've been hesitating on announcing my status to my parents. Not that it's such a huge news.. But I don't need people going round making stories, knowing my mom, she'll believe any shit they tell her. Naa... Haven't heard any hair standing stories just as yet.

I need to first tell them about my break-up with Mr. They would be in shock, and then asked me what my problem is.. Ah.. Just the thought of it makes me tired. Anyway, I went out with Z after work. Met his very very punctual friends. His bro, K, set the time and venue. 5.30pm at that spot. And well, 6.30 and we are still waiting. Then we decided to wait at CH for the rest. 7.30 and we are STILL waiting.. I went off as I told Sharmie that I'm meeting her at LS at 8.30 latest.

And all that waiting.. it didn't bother me a tiny bit. I was still smiling, coz I've learnt. These people are his friends not mine, he should get angry- his bro should be angrier. I left Z with a big hug and big smile on my face. Can't believe I grown up so much... Hahaha...

I was there before Sharmie and bought Tom Yam instant noodle to eat while waiting, I was hungry.. So hungry I hardly notice Sharmie walking towards me till she start coming up the steps. Haha.. Then my boys start texting me about how freak up the day is turning to. Now, Z's bro is calling me sis. Haven't had a bro before other than my cousins but they are drifting away from me due to past misunderstanding which neither of us bother to clear. I'm still afraid of them being upset with my doings. Anyway, back to K calling me sis.. it kindda fit. Almost like it's meant to be that way. About my mom, I still remember what she said about me going out with Z 5 years ago. I don't know what to say about that honestly. She's a very external person.. Lost? Ah, she's more concern on the looks, but to me it's how the person treat me that's important, outlook is just something no one can change. We are born this way, what can we do about that? I mean every person is different. Yes, I can get 10 men better looking or rather 10 top models, but noone as nice and perfect as someone whom I love, who can truly take care of me. How sure am I that I'd be happy with someone so perfect in terms of looks? How sure am I that I'd be happy with someone who's a millionaire? It's the heart that matters.

I don't want anyone to be with me because of my butt or boops, I don't want them to like me because I'm beautiful (not that I'm saying I am..). Who knows, 10years down the road, I met with an accident, and damage my face, or lose a limp? I want them to love me for who I am, not how I look, not how I dress, not by my outlook, but by my believes and the way I am. I still am waiting for the right time to tell them my status. Well, maybe for the first year, I will tell them that Z is just my friends, just so they get to know him better and start liking him the way he is. I don't wanna rush things up.

I'm afraid of them not liking him. I'm afraid of them thinking that I'm still the old girl who do what she wants to do without consulting them. Not again would I want them to disown me. They are all I have, and I don't wanna lose them the second time. This thing is worrying me really, all these time I was with Z whenever I start thinking, it was not about work anymore but about how I wanna help Z kiss my parents ass. How to make them accept him, how I want them to respect my choice. But, no matter how hard I think of ways, I am not that strong.. I'm still afraid. Deep down, I am shit scared.

Okay, now about work. I'm booked for a meeting about my performance throughout my probation period on Wednesday, 21st. List down the problems, ya.. Problem is the rotten apple! Haha.. what more can I say? This is not my line of interest. How shall I get myself out without risking my career?

Too much in my brain, too much thinking. Not wanting to think too much, I think of my happy memories with Z, with Mr sometimes.. All my happy memories are left to be memories, more to come in future, and I start to think about the future. I dream of them every night. Then I smiled. Then I look at my pictures, with all those smiles. I miss all the people who made me proud and smile a lot. I miss every single person no matter how often I see them in a day. Why? I want to cry when I see them cry, I want to laugh when they laugh, and when they smile, I broke into one as well. I miss Z but I can't see him today. Mas didn't come over. So boring.. Teaching day today. How boring is that... Ah... I wish I could just escape and enjoy the sceneries and the breeze. Need to visit Mariam one of these days too. My girls have been calling me and asking me when I'm gonna visit them. I miss them too. Ah.. Enough of one post today. Maybe later.

I'll always be here for you for as long as you want me to. I promise you I would, and I will.