I am sometimes so afraid to put my everything at stake just to be happy. In the process of saving myself from misery, I sometimes forget what makes me happy. I felt very happy, loved, at strangely, I felt so much at home. It's not like what you may think, it's not residential home but home for the heart, I felt like I've just found home where my heart belongs truly.
Maybe it's time to come clean and do some confession over here, while I still have the strenght and courage to do so.
Confession #01: I gave Z a second chance provided if he could give and follow some rules I set for this relationship.
Rules #01: I need freedom and I don't want to be tied down in any way.
Rules #02: My friends are still more important, so I might still spare more time with my friends than with him.
Rules #03: No S%$. I don't wanna be obligated to do it or intend to do it.
Rules #04: He ought to die trying to prove to me that not all Malay men are up to break rule #03 to be in a relationship.
Confession #02: I found myself falling so much in love with Z. Partially because he was my "first love". The one whom had made me fall and fall hard on my face. The first guy whom I had so much in common, up to today.. Funny that was. And the first one who's so sweet yet made me cry.
Confession #03: I'm still afraid of Mr hating me. More afraid to lose him, as I am grateful to him still. If not for his existence, I won't be here.
Confession #04: I have dreams of having a family, being a home-maker at some stage of my life. Be happy with who I am meant to be with. With beautiful, talented and bright kids, if they got my genes, and the sweetest, sensitive, great character and personality with their dad's genes.
Confession #05: I found Z because I searched for him, not by browsing my friend's friend's friends through friendster. I actually did search for him and look through all the guys with Z's name from everywhere. Coincidentally, he's linked to a friend's friend. So sorry Z, I lied to you. I am a little bit well, shy to admit that I searched for you.
Ah... That's it. Still no response from Mr about one of my post. Felt crappy! Don't he know how much it means to me to have some words of his opinion and comments.
I guess this is it. I just hope Mr understands my stand. I still do love you, but I don't think it's gonna work. I'm truly sorry.
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1 comment:
Like I said its time to move on, and if you are happy then I am even more happy for you.
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