Lonely.. Lost.. Restless...

A day without the touch of Z, without the laugh from Z, without the usual dose of text messages from Z... It's almost a torture, I could not even smile when I did my theory practice with a breeze. I could not even look up without the desire to be welcomed by him. I keep expecting him to stand before me with that smile and warm hug. I keep expecting him to call me, to talk to me. To come and see me even for a split second. Impossible it is, but I wanted it so much. I wish I could help and get what I wanted, what I needed most. But here I am so helpless, so lonely so lost, so restless.

What is happening to me? Am I not the independent girl anymore? Am I not the sane practical girl anymore? Why am I so dependent to Z now? I used to be able to be alone doing everything myself, why now do I need Z so much? It's not like it's my first time being attached or being in love... or is it this my first time being in love? Is this what love really is? I dunno. I hate to be so lost like this. Everything seeemed so uncertain now. I don't know what I used to know no more. I thought I'd be fine, but why am I not now? I thought I could handle this fine, but why am I not now? Why does this strange feeling haunt me so much?

I truly didn't know that I have had such a huge feeling for someone. I thought I saved that big portion for myself and my parents. But it seemed so wrong now. Nothing seems right. Why does my head feel so heavy? Why does my heart bleed so bad? Why? I honestly didn't know myself now. She is so different now. She has a missing piece. I don't know her no more.

I woke up late today, expecting Z to wake me up. I thought I heard his voice waking me up. I thought I saw his face so near to mine. I thought I felt his warm body against mine. I thought I he was hugging me just now, but he isn't. Even as I typed this out, I thought I felt him kissing me nice but only tears follow for he's not here.

Maybe I could be shaken hard to know that it's not his choice to be so near yet so far. I know that very well, and I just wished I could be of some help, but I couldn't. Damn the inventors who invented those papers that mean nothing in the real life.

Okay, I quit writing so much. It keeps irritating me anyway.