Today definitely wasn't my day. It all started with me wanting to blog and typed so much and then was disappointed thirce before I decide to just type the last stupid sentence that never goes with the whole way the way I began it in the first place.
Then it was the freaking feeling of being so lost, being so wrong, and then the uneasiness feeling. Gives me creeps coz it made me think that something is going to go so wrong. Z texted me. It kindda made me feel worse, felt so guilty, felt so helpless... I know I did no wrong yet I felt so wronged.
Then I went to BBDC to do my Final Theory Test, being it a day that is so wrong... It was almost predicted that I fail this one. BUMMER! I have to wait till November before I can take a re-test! BUMMER, BUMMER, BUMMER!!!!
Then I saw Kak Za again. And again, my mobile battery is flat. So I had to write down her mobile number before I forgot. Kindda felt wrong as I didn't talk to her quite normally. Such a wrong day today.
Something is missing, my head is still heavy. Z is still in my head, so now I know why it's so heavy. He is now running around in my head, no wonder it pounds so hard. I begged him to get out, but he refuses and budge away, running some more. Now I have to chase him, but he ran so fast, my head is so so heavy. Come on, quit running around my head.. come here where I need you more. Urgh.. Why he so stubborn? Still wants to stay in my head, sigh.. Ok la.. I give up, you can stay there for as long as you want. Run around in my mind, in my brain, in my head.
I miss you, Z. I didn't know this feeling I have for you is so deep. I didn't know how much I've wanted you all along. I thought I had forgotten the power of love, but I was wrong.. All this time, it wasn't love. This is.. It felt different, different from all the rest. I dunno what's so special, but you made me such.
I see you even when I have my eyes wide open, I keep feeling your touch and kisses even when I wasn't dreaming. I heard your voice even when the radio is at blast. I could smell you even when I am smothered with the fogging smoke. I want to run to you and be in your arms again, I want to kiss that face that makes me complete. I didn't know I needed you this much.
I never thought I'd love someone so much after so many heartaches. But I guess you are different, I guess you're worth it, so please don't prove me wrong... Don't you ever break my heart, don't you ever make me cry, don't you ever love me any less...
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Lonely.. Lost.. Restless...
A day without the touch of Z, without the laugh from Z, without the usual dose of text messages from Z... It's almost a torture, I could not even smile when I did my theory practice with a breeze. I could not even look up without the desire to be welcomed by him. I keep expecting him to stand before me with that smile and warm hug. I keep expecting him to call me, to talk to me. To come and see me even for a split second. Impossible it is, but I wanted it so much. I wish I could help and get what I wanted, what I needed most. But here I am so helpless, so lonely so lost, so restless.
What is happening to me? Am I not the independent girl anymore? Am I not the sane practical girl anymore? Why am I so dependent to Z now? I used to be able to be alone doing everything myself, why now do I need Z so much? It's not like it's my first time being attached or being in love... or is it this my first time being in love? Is this what love really is? I dunno. I hate to be so lost like this. Everything seeemed so uncertain now. I don't know what I used to know no more. I thought I'd be fine, but why am I not now? I thought I could handle this fine, but why am I not now? Why does this strange feeling haunt me so much?
I truly didn't know that I have had such a huge feeling for someone. I thought I saved that big portion for myself and my parents. But it seemed so wrong now. Nothing seems right. Why does my head feel so heavy? Why does my heart bleed so bad? Why? I honestly didn't know myself now. She is so different now. She has a missing piece. I don't know her no more.
I woke up late today, expecting Z to wake me up. I thought I heard his voice waking me up. I thought I saw his face so near to mine. I thought I felt his warm body against mine. I thought I he was hugging me just now, but he isn't. Even as I typed this out, I thought I felt him kissing me nice but only tears follow for he's not here.
Maybe I could be shaken hard to know that it's not his choice to be so near yet so far. I know that very well, and I just wished I could be of some help, but I couldn't. Damn the inventors who invented those papers that mean nothing in the real life.
Okay, I quit writing so much. It keeps irritating me anyway.
What is happening to me? Am I not the independent girl anymore? Am I not the sane practical girl anymore? Why am I so dependent to Z now? I used to be able to be alone doing everything myself, why now do I need Z so much? It's not like it's my first time being attached or being in love... or is it this my first time being in love? Is this what love really is? I dunno. I hate to be so lost like this. Everything seeemed so uncertain now. I don't know what I used to know no more. I thought I'd be fine, but why am I not now? I thought I could handle this fine, but why am I not now? Why does this strange feeling haunt me so much?
I truly didn't know that I have had such a huge feeling for someone. I thought I saved that big portion for myself and my parents. But it seemed so wrong now. Nothing seems right. Why does my head feel so heavy? Why does my heart bleed so bad? Why? I honestly didn't know myself now. She is so different now. She has a missing piece. I don't know her no more.
I woke up late today, expecting Z to wake me up. I thought I heard his voice waking me up. I thought I saw his face so near to mine. I thought I felt his warm body against mine. I thought I he was hugging me just now, but he isn't. Even as I typed this out, I thought I felt him kissing me nice but only tears follow for he's not here.
Maybe I could be shaken hard to know that it's not his choice to be so near yet so far. I know that very well, and I just wished I could be of some help, but I couldn't. Damn the inventors who invented those papers that mean nothing in the real life.
Okay, I quit writing so much. It keeps irritating me anyway.
Monday, September 26, 2005
Dreams, family and friends.
Was at work boring myself to end my day. Was to wait for my supervisor to fetch me and take me to site, but he was too busy. Didn't end up going anywhere, what a waste? I could have spent my lunch hour with Z.
Internet was freaked out in the office suddenly and I couldn't log into the net for a few hours. What a bore? Anyway, in that few hours, I ended up typing out 2 letters, about 3 pages long for Z. I dunno what prompt me to do so, but it kindda sounded right.
Then I met up with Sharmie at CG. She was late as usual, but I dun really mind. I took photos while waiting, and it's really cute! Haha.. enjoy them as you scroll down. She said I looked like a boy from afar, which is kind of common for me. Always the case when I wear my cap and my black spectacles. Add a baggy pants and some loose/oversized shirt, and I'm a completely different person from the norm. Haha.. Plus my short hair.. Hahahaha.. But worry not, nothing in me changed as and when I change my look. Still the same me.
Z is working till 11pm, I think. He'll be pretty busy working and with his NS, so every single time spent with him is really really precious. But it's all for the good. He work hard, earn hard money, and later reap the benefits. For his own good, to keep it up and not to ever give up. Life is a struggle, so live it up. People say Work smart, play hard. I would say, work hard, play hard, and live life smart.
Like I said above, met Sharmie after work. Was discussing and talking about mainly relationships and family. It feels great when you have someone who had gone through and know exactly how it feels like to be in the situation. We have so much in common that we could complete each other's sentences. And simply look in the eye and express how much you know about what she goes through. It's priceless.
Everything happens for a reason. You have every reason as to why you met someone in your every journey of life. As good or as bad as the reason can ever be, everything happens for a reason. A lesson is to be learnt, that's reason enough. Another eye for you to see with, that's another reason. So much reasons, only worth for individual persons who believes so.
I love myself, thus I love everyone who loves me. Whoever it may be, I love you too.
Internet was freaked out in the office suddenly and I couldn't log into the net for a few hours. What a bore? Anyway, in that few hours, I ended up typing out 2 letters, about 3 pages long for Z. I dunno what prompt me to do so, but it kindda sounded right.
Then I met up with Sharmie at CG. She was late as usual, but I dun really mind. I took photos while waiting, and it's really cute! Haha.. enjoy them as you scroll down. She said I looked like a boy from afar, which is kind of common for me. Always the case when I wear my cap and my black spectacles. Add a baggy pants and some loose/oversized shirt, and I'm a completely different person from the norm. Haha.. Plus my short hair.. Hahahaha.. But worry not, nothing in me changed as and when I change my look. Still the same me.
Z is working till 11pm, I think. He'll be pretty busy working and with his NS, so every single time spent with him is really really precious. But it's all for the good. He work hard, earn hard money, and later reap the benefits. For his own good, to keep it up and not to ever give up. Life is a struggle, so live it up. People say Work smart, play hard. I would say, work hard, play hard, and live life smart.
Like I said above, met Sharmie after work. Was discussing and talking about mainly relationships and family. It feels great when you have someone who had gone through and know exactly how it feels like to be in the situation. We have so much in common that we could complete each other's sentences. And simply look in the eye and express how much you know about what she goes through. It's priceless.
Everything happens for a reason. You have every reason as to why you met someone in your every journey of life. As good or as bad as the reason can ever be, everything happens for a reason. A lesson is to be learnt, that's reason enough. Another eye for you to see with, that's another reason. So much reasons, only worth for individual persons who believes so.
I love myself, thus I love everyone who loves me. Whoever it may be, I love you too.
Sunday, September 25, 2005
NewsFlash
The morning went by just simply by a snap of a finger. Went to the market with my mom and nephew. He's so so "manja" with me throughout the journey. He got his asthma back after recent coughing and all.
He keeps leaning on to me, holding my hand tight. Towards the end, he became really quiet. A sign that he's getting tired and is trying hard to breathe normal. Poor kid. Z on full run again today. In camp in the morning till evening, then continue on with his second profession.
I'm off to teach the afternoon away. G was so so dumb and a bit out of the logic syndrome. She asked me to teach her daughter, and like I wasn't. She dun understand how school works and how results come about, and there she was telling me what to do.. Yeah yeah.. Hmm.. exams coming, there's nothing to teach, just papers and tips on how to tackle those questions.
The other two kids, I've been teaching them an extra hour for like free for the past month or so. I finished all teaching at 7. Then went to JP and walked around. Saw a few nice things. Thought of getting a simple red polo shirt. Don't ask why the colour, I dunno.. I dun have any red so I thought I might do some help adding colours in my wardrobe. But they either have cheap affordable polo shirts but not any of them are red, or they are selling a freaking simple polo shirt for freaking $30 or more for a freaking red polo shirt. BUMMER.
Then I went to see something which is far more worth my $$. But, because of that, my $$ seemed to have disappeared. Ah.. where oh where have my money all gone to?
Broke and bored. Sad and lonely. Looking forward to Z. (not Zzzzzzz) I want my Z.
Oh, speaking of which... Just told my mom about my break-up with Mr. Told her that we broke up for about 2 months already. She told me the same thing that Ummie told me. That if I were to find someone, must do research. Told her that I've been in contact with an old friend. And add add here and there. And she is like, whoever he may be, you should know better as to what to look out for. And dun forget who I am.. Like I'm a divorcee... Like as if it's very important factor. And about what happen in the past, yadayadayada...
Fasting month is approaching soon.. 10 more days...
He keeps leaning on to me, holding my hand tight. Towards the end, he became really quiet. A sign that he's getting tired and is trying hard to breathe normal. Poor kid. Z on full run again today. In camp in the morning till evening, then continue on with his second profession.
I'm off to teach the afternoon away. G was so so dumb and a bit out of the logic syndrome. She asked me to teach her daughter, and like I wasn't. She dun understand how school works and how results come about, and there she was telling me what to do.. Yeah yeah.. Hmm.. exams coming, there's nothing to teach, just papers and tips on how to tackle those questions.
The other two kids, I've been teaching them an extra hour for like free for the past month or so. I finished all teaching at 7. Then went to JP and walked around. Saw a few nice things. Thought of getting a simple red polo shirt. Don't ask why the colour, I dunno.. I dun have any red so I thought I might do some help adding colours in my wardrobe. But they either have cheap affordable polo shirts but not any of them are red, or they are selling a freaking simple polo shirt for freaking $30 or more for a freaking red polo shirt. BUMMER.
Then I went to see something which is far more worth my $$. But, because of that, my $$ seemed to have disappeared. Ah.. where oh where have my money all gone to?
Broke and bored. Sad and lonely. Looking forward to Z. (not Zzzzzzz) I want my Z.
Oh, speaking of which... Just told my mom about my break-up with Mr. Told her that we broke up for about 2 months already. She told me the same thing that Ummie told me. That if I were to find someone, must do research. Told her that I've been in contact with an old friend. And add add here and there. And she is like, whoever he may be, you should know better as to what to look out for. And dun forget who I am.. Like I'm a divorcee... Like as if it's very important factor. And about what happen in the past, yadayadayada...
Fasting month is approaching soon.. 10 more days...
Friday, September 23, 2005
Void Deck Family
Happy Family
I should have taken out my specs, kindda look so ermmm.. I dunno.. funny. That's us(my beloved, Z in red, my bro, K in brown and the one that attracts all, ME!!). Cameraman is Ash.
We have just demolished 2 large pizzas. I didn't count how many pieces I ate, but I think it's 5. First to KO was Z, then Ash.. K and me still eating our 2nd last piece. Then K finished before and me. Haha.. eat until my tummy grew about 2 months preggy. Haha.. Now, my mom ask me eat again!!! Aaarrrggghhhh.. My tummy is gonna burst!!!
I need to put up with this composure and try my best not to burst.. Breathe in breathe out.. Breathe in... Breathe out..
Three guys
Three guys, triple the laugh, triple the fun!
K, "Hai motor, bila nak ade teman duduk blakang..."
Ash, "Hmmm, kalau aku yang bawa dah ramai..."
Z, "Hmmm... bila nak ade rumah sendiri ngan anak bini.. hmmm...."
Haha.. Man.. they truly qualify for the "mat jiwangs" pose.. Haha..
Thursday, September 22, 2005
A night at Labrador Park : text version
Went to Labrador Park after work with Z today. It's been eons the last time I paid the park a visit. Could barely remember what it looks like. So, we went there and enjoy the breeze. Had a great laugh together about almost everything. Life is a riddle and everything in it is a joke, so there you go, the laughing couple. =)
A whole lot of other couples making out over there, except for the good us. We were most of the time, talking and laughing. At desperate times, we call for a tickle attack. At other times, Z sing to me with his really great melodious voice (I'm serious, he's a great singer). Sometimes, we comment on other couples, and laugh about it.
My medication is taking effect now, I better go and catch up with my much needed rest. Will continue if I remember tomorrow. Gute Nacht!
A whole lot of other couples making out over there, except for the good us. We were most of the time, talking and laughing. At desperate times, we call for a tickle attack. At other times, Z sing to me with his really great melodious voice (I'm serious, he's a great singer). Sometimes, we comment on other couples, and laugh about it.
My medication is taking effect now, I better go and catch up with my much needed rest. Will continue if I remember tomorrow. Gute Nacht!
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Research on new subject
Subjects : Any Male Human
On the things they hold on to.
I have been observing my subjects for about 3 years now. My first subject was Skinny R. Second was Mr. And third is Z. Things found in common are :
1) They are with me when they become my subjects
2) They still talk about their exs
3) They want to move on but still hold on
Wahahaha.. Strange but I can't help it but to post this research I've found to be true. Male humans find it harder to let go of pasts then any female humans. While male humans forgive but never forget, woman tend to forget but not fully forgive. Woman remember the bad male humans who do them wrong and tend to forget them quite easily. However, man often remembers the good ones and hold on to them- often than not- compare them to their current one unintentionally.
While Skinny R couldn't stop telling me his tales of the long list of women who were once "after" him. And how he loved this one particular lady but her parents disapprove and got her married to someone else and etc. He was sad and affected, so he never forgets her, even remember where she used to stay. Often than not recalling good times. However, this female has almost forgotten him and was happily married, moving on.
Mr couldn't stop telling me about V, his ex wife. How they used to do things, why they couldn't get along. Also spoke of his first few girlfriends, and yes, the list of girls whom he's after and who's after him. These two subjects (Mr and V) still keeps in touch, but rarely now - I think. Boys will be boys. Don't mention the drinking and you can make out what's after drinking till you're drunk.
Z, he didn't exactly keep talking about his ex. But he remembers those he loves, needless to say. He mentioned about 3 of them most of the time. He talks about them because I asked him about them. Haha.. I have just tested my own jealousy traits by doing that! A little upset, but with a smile on my face, because I'd have guessed that he might spoke of me to the others too..
Other male subjects include : Crazy W, Bubbly T, MN.
Crazy W is an immature boy who thinks he've seen the world. Hate him and he never forget or even forgive his ex. He seriously thinks that he can control female humans. So if I were to write more, this can be a hate note for him. Haha.. Anyway, search was found to be true on him.
Bubbly T is a really good male friend of mine. He don't really talk about ex, I dun think he has one. But he talks about his crushes and how he got rejected. And why he liked them so much. He really is a nice person. Hope he finds her one day, when he least expect it.
MN is another version of Crazy W. He holds on too tightly and a little too much. Also likes to control female humans. Thinks he've seen it all and done it all. Very negative most of the time. He talks a lot about how many girls he love but the girl played him out kindda stuff. So search is again found true in him.
That's it. Let me know of your thoughts about my new search on men.
On the things they hold on to.
I have been observing my subjects for about 3 years now. My first subject was Skinny R. Second was Mr. And third is Z. Things found in common are :
1) They are with me when they become my subjects
2) They still talk about their exs
3) They want to move on but still hold on
Wahahaha.. Strange but I can't help it but to post this research I've found to be true. Male humans find it harder to let go of pasts then any female humans. While male humans forgive but never forget, woman tend to forget but not fully forgive. Woman remember the bad male humans who do them wrong and tend to forget them quite easily. However, man often remembers the good ones and hold on to them- often than not- compare them to their current one unintentionally.
While Skinny R couldn't stop telling me his tales of the long list of women who were once "after" him. And how he loved this one particular lady but her parents disapprove and got her married to someone else and etc. He was sad and affected, so he never forgets her, even remember where she used to stay. Often than not recalling good times. However, this female has almost forgotten him and was happily married, moving on.
Mr couldn't stop telling me about V, his ex wife. How they used to do things, why they couldn't get along. Also spoke of his first few girlfriends, and yes, the list of girls whom he's after and who's after him. These two subjects (Mr and V) still keeps in touch, but rarely now - I think. Boys will be boys. Don't mention the drinking and you can make out what's after drinking till you're drunk.
Z, he didn't exactly keep talking about his ex. But he remembers those he loves, needless to say. He mentioned about 3 of them most of the time. He talks about them because I asked him about them. Haha.. I have just tested my own jealousy traits by doing that! A little upset, but with a smile on my face, because I'd have guessed that he might spoke of me to the others too..
Other male subjects include : Crazy W, Bubbly T, MN.
Crazy W is an immature boy who thinks he've seen the world. Hate him and he never forget or even forgive his ex. He seriously thinks that he can control female humans. So if I were to write more, this can be a hate note for him. Haha.. Anyway, search was found to be true on him.
Bubbly T is a really good male friend of mine. He don't really talk about ex, I dun think he has one. But he talks about his crushes and how he got rejected. And why he liked them so much. He really is a nice person. Hope he finds her one day, when he least expect it.
MN is another version of Crazy W. He holds on too tightly and a little too much. Also likes to control female humans. Thinks he've seen it all and done it all. Very negative most of the time. He talks a lot about how many girls he love but the girl played him out kindda stuff. So search is again found true in him.
That's it. Let me know of your thoughts about my new search on men.
Monday, September 19, 2005
Nosey people exists!!!
Z sent me to work this morning. Reached office at 8.30 on the dot. Greeted this guy who works under Swiftvan, but he looked at the fish dazzled instead. Maybe he's secretly in love with that fish and was so shocked that the fish noticed him and even greeted him.. Funny scene that was. Me and Z just started laughing about it.
Morning was a drag, went off for lunch alone at home. Had to cook as well.. Ah.. Then I went back office, and suddenly, the office turned a little more lively. Strange and weird, it was for me. Then E, my manager, asked me for fag. So I joined him and he started talking about touch rugby and asked the basic rules. I was so excited and ended up talking a lot. Haha..
I had to carry a lot of stuff home today. Then meet up with Z under my block. Was hugging and chatting.. Then some indian national approached and told us not to be too intimate. FYI, we were only hugging, laughing and me giggling.. If that's not enough said, we just stop hugging just so he won't get on our nerves. Then we went to take some self pics.. And as I was about to ask Z to take one last pic before I go, two policemen came and start questioning us.. BUMMER!!!
We both lost our mood, I was just being the calm person, not showing any kind of expression. Z's face was all black. Strangely, I felt guilty. Should have taken the first point out by that indian national as a sign for me to go home. Now, Z's not very happy.. I can cool him down, but I am a little unhappy as well..
Oh well, whatever happens, I won't let anything creep in and spoil my day. I determine what kind of day I want to have. Alright now, gotta go. Till later~
Morning was a drag, went off for lunch alone at home. Had to cook as well.. Ah.. Then I went back office, and suddenly, the office turned a little more lively. Strange and weird, it was for me. Then E, my manager, asked me for fag. So I joined him and he started talking about touch rugby and asked the basic rules. I was so excited and ended up talking a lot. Haha..
I had to carry a lot of stuff home today. Then meet up with Z under my block. Was hugging and chatting.. Then some indian national approached and told us not to be too intimate. FYI, we were only hugging, laughing and me giggling.. If that's not enough said, we just stop hugging just so he won't get on our nerves. Then we went to take some self pics.. And as I was about to ask Z to take one last pic before I go, two policemen came and start questioning us.. BUMMER!!!
We both lost our mood, I was just being the calm person, not showing any kind of expression. Z's face was all black. Strangely, I felt guilty. Should have taken the first point out by that indian national as a sign for me to go home. Now, Z's not very happy.. I can cool him down, but I am a little unhappy as well..
Oh well, whatever happens, I won't let anything creep in and spoil my day. I determine what kind of day I want to have. Alright now, gotta go. Till later~
Sunday, September 18, 2005
Shall I or shall I not?
I've been hesitating on announcing my status to my parents. Not that it's such a huge news.. But I don't need people going round making stories, knowing my mom, she'll believe any shit they tell her. Naa... Haven't heard any hair standing stories just as yet.
I need to first tell them about my break-up with Mr. They would be in shock, and then asked me what my problem is.. Ah.. Just the thought of it makes me tired. Anyway, I went out with Z after work. Met his very very punctual friends. His bro, K, set the time and venue. 5.30pm at that spot. And well, 6.30 and we are still waiting. Then we decided to wait at CH for the rest. 7.30 and we are STILL waiting.. I went off as I told Sharmie that I'm meeting her at LS at 8.30 latest.
And all that waiting.. it didn't bother me a tiny bit. I was still smiling, coz I've learnt. These people are his friends not mine, he should get angry- his bro should be angrier. I left Z with a big hug and big smile on my face. Can't believe I grown up so much... Hahaha...
I was there before Sharmie and bought Tom Yam instant noodle to eat while waiting, I was hungry.. So hungry I hardly notice Sharmie walking towards me till she start coming up the steps. Haha.. Then my boys start texting me about how freak up the day is turning to. Now, Z's bro is calling me sis. Haven't had a bro before other than my cousins but they are drifting away from me due to past misunderstanding which neither of us bother to clear. I'm still afraid of them being upset with my doings. Anyway, back to K calling me sis.. it kindda fit. Almost like it's meant to be that way. About my mom, I still remember what she said about me going out with Z 5 years ago. I don't know what to say about that honestly. She's a very external person.. Lost? Ah, she's more concern on the looks, but to me it's how the person treat me that's important, outlook is just something no one can change. We are born this way, what can we do about that? I mean every person is different. Yes, I can get 10 men better looking or rather 10 top models, but noone as nice and perfect as someone whom I love, who can truly take care of me. How sure am I that I'd be happy with someone so perfect in terms of looks? How sure am I that I'd be happy with someone who's a millionaire? It's the heart that matters.
I don't want anyone to be with me because of my butt or boops, I don't want them to like me because I'm beautiful (not that I'm saying I am..). Who knows, 10years down the road, I met with an accident, and damage my face, or lose a limp? I want them to love me for who I am, not how I look, not how I dress, not by my outlook, but by my believes and the way I am. I still am waiting for the right time to tell them my status. Well, maybe for the first year, I will tell them that Z is just my friends, just so they get to know him better and start liking him the way he is. I don't wanna rush things up.
I'm afraid of them not liking him. I'm afraid of them thinking that I'm still the old girl who do what she wants to do without consulting them. Not again would I want them to disown me. They are all I have, and I don't wanna lose them the second time. This thing is worrying me really, all these time I was with Z whenever I start thinking, it was not about work anymore but about how I wanna help Z kiss my parents ass. How to make them accept him, how I want them to respect my choice. But, no matter how hard I think of ways, I am not that strong.. I'm still afraid. Deep down, I am shit scared.
Okay, now about work. I'm booked for a meeting about my performance throughout my probation period on Wednesday, 21st. List down the problems, ya.. Problem is the rotten apple! Haha.. what more can I say? This is not my line of interest. How shall I get myself out without risking my career?
Too much in my brain, too much thinking. Not wanting to think too much, I think of my happy memories with Z, with Mr sometimes.. All my happy memories are left to be memories, more to come in future, and I start to think about the future. I dream of them every night. Then I smiled. Then I look at my pictures, with all those smiles. I miss all the people who made me proud and smile a lot. I miss every single person no matter how often I see them in a day. Why? I want to cry when I see them cry, I want to laugh when they laugh, and when they smile, I broke into one as well. I miss Z but I can't see him today. Mas didn't come over. So boring.. Teaching day today. How boring is that... Ah... I wish I could just escape and enjoy the sceneries and the breeze. Need to visit Mariam one of these days too. My girls have been calling me and asking me when I'm gonna visit them. I miss them too. Ah.. Enough of one post today. Maybe later.
I'll always be here for you for as long as you want me to. I promise you I would, and I will.
I need to first tell them about my break-up with Mr. They would be in shock, and then asked me what my problem is.. Ah.. Just the thought of it makes me tired. Anyway, I went out with Z after work. Met his very very punctual friends. His bro, K, set the time and venue. 5.30pm at that spot. And well, 6.30 and we are still waiting. Then we decided to wait at CH for the rest. 7.30 and we are STILL waiting.. I went off as I told Sharmie that I'm meeting her at LS at 8.30 latest.
And all that waiting.. it didn't bother me a tiny bit. I was still smiling, coz I've learnt. These people are his friends not mine, he should get angry- his bro should be angrier. I left Z with a big hug and big smile on my face. Can't believe I grown up so much... Hahaha...
I was there before Sharmie and bought Tom Yam instant noodle to eat while waiting, I was hungry.. So hungry I hardly notice Sharmie walking towards me till she start coming up the steps. Haha.. Then my boys start texting me about how freak up the day is turning to. Now, Z's bro is calling me sis. Haven't had a bro before other than my cousins but they are drifting away from me due to past misunderstanding which neither of us bother to clear. I'm still afraid of them being upset with my doings. Anyway, back to K calling me sis.. it kindda fit. Almost like it's meant to be that way. About my mom, I still remember what she said about me going out with Z 5 years ago. I don't know what to say about that honestly. She's a very external person.. Lost? Ah, she's more concern on the looks, but to me it's how the person treat me that's important, outlook is just something no one can change. We are born this way, what can we do about that? I mean every person is different. Yes, I can get 10 men better looking or rather 10 top models, but noone as nice and perfect as someone whom I love, who can truly take care of me. How sure am I that I'd be happy with someone so perfect in terms of looks? How sure am I that I'd be happy with someone who's a millionaire? It's the heart that matters.
I don't want anyone to be with me because of my butt or boops, I don't want them to like me because I'm beautiful (not that I'm saying I am..). Who knows, 10years down the road, I met with an accident, and damage my face, or lose a limp? I want them to love me for who I am, not how I look, not how I dress, not by my outlook, but by my believes and the way I am. I still am waiting for the right time to tell them my status. Well, maybe for the first year, I will tell them that Z is just my friends, just so they get to know him better and start liking him the way he is. I don't wanna rush things up.
I'm afraid of them not liking him. I'm afraid of them thinking that I'm still the old girl who do what she wants to do without consulting them. Not again would I want them to disown me. They are all I have, and I don't wanna lose them the second time. This thing is worrying me really, all these time I was with Z whenever I start thinking, it was not about work anymore but about how I wanna help Z kiss my parents ass. How to make them accept him, how I want them to respect my choice. But, no matter how hard I think of ways, I am not that strong.. I'm still afraid. Deep down, I am shit scared.
Okay, now about work. I'm booked for a meeting about my performance throughout my probation period on Wednesday, 21st. List down the problems, ya.. Problem is the rotten apple! Haha.. what more can I say? This is not my line of interest. How shall I get myself out without risking my career?
Too much in my brain, too much thinking. Not wanting to think too much, I think of my happy memories with Z, with Mr sometimes.. All my happy memories are left to be memories, more to come in future, and I start to think about the future. I dream of them every night. Then I smiled. Then I look at my pictures, with all those smiles. I miss all the people who made me proud and smile a lot. I miss every single person no matter how often I see them in a day. Why? I want to cry when I see them cry, I want to laugh when they laugh, and when they smile, I broke into one as well. I miss Z but I can't see him today. Mas didn't come over. So boring.. Teaching day today. How boring is that... Ah... I wish I could just escape and enjoy the sceneries and the breeze. Need to visit Mariam one of these days too. My girls have been calling me and asking me when I'm gonna visit them. I miss them too. Ah.. Enough of one post today. Maybe later.
I'll always be here for you for as long as you want me to. I promise you I would, and I will.
Saturday, September 17, 2005
SENTOSA TRIP
It's cancelled. Period.
No, we didn't fight. The trio did not split. Just that the trip is cancelled. No plan B. So I have the whole day... Hold on... I don't have the whole day.. Z is going out with his friends at night. So, I have about half day with Z...
Then if my sister comes over, I have the other half with her. AH.. Teaching day is coming.. ANd it's so draggy... I hate teaching days.. The travel, the headaches, the sleepy head.. the list goes on... I just hope these kids give me good results to be proud of.
I'm so so dragging every single day of my week!! This does not feel right. Well, I need to release all the tension around. I feel like giving up, but I can't...
Ah now Sharmie wants to meet me later at CG. Then maybe drag Tingie to meet us for dinner or something like that.
I need Z to do some rescue works for me now. He's coming to my rescue in 3 hours and 10 minutes time, that is, if he's on time. Hehe.. I dunno why, but whenever I meet Z, all my work stress and tension seemed to have ran away. The moment I part with him, it all comes back. Hmmm.... I think Z scare the shit out of all the stress and tension that is bothering me.. Haha..
Crappy le, till later~
No, we didn't fight. The trio did not split. Just that the trip is cancelled. No plan B. So I have the whole day... Hold on... I don't have the whole day.. Z is going out with his friends at night. So, I have about half day with Z...
Then if my sister comes over, I have the other half with her. AH.. Teaching day is coming.. ANd it's so draggy... I hate teaching days.. The travel, the headaches, the sleepy head.. the list goes on... I just hope these kids give me good results to be proud of.
I'm so so dragging every single day of my week!! This does not feel right. Well, I need to release all the tension around. I feel like giving up, but I can't...
Ah now Sharmie wants to meet me later at CG. Then maybe drag Tingie to meet us for dinner or something like that.
I need Z to do some rescue works for me now. He's coming to my rescue in 3 hours and 10 minutes time, that is, if he's on time. Hehe.. I dunno why, but whenever I meet Z, all my work stress and tension seemed to have ran away. The moment I part with him, it all comes back. Hmmm.... I think Z scare the shit out of all the stress and tension that is bothering me.. Haha..
Crappy le, till later~
Friday, September 16, 2005
Demotivated
I am de-motivated in every sense of the word. Can't seem to find the sourse or reason for such sudden change. I'm only demotivated work wise though. Nothing else is pulling my mood. It's just the long draggy 8 hours in the office, facing undesirable faces, being held responsible for all the responsibilities that belong to other executives. And I'd be blamed, accused and held to justice should anything go wrong. Yeah right Kiss my ASS!!!!
I hate to ramble about work, but nothing else seemed to excite me except my girlfriends and Z. Even my family is becoming boring! No more laughs, no more jokes, no more smiles... AM I getting old or am I just getting more boring because I know too much?
I did texted and begged my engineer from LTA to get me in there somehow, in some way. I need to go back to construction line!!!! At site, doing site work, supervising... That spells more like my interest!! Not measuring and get blamed if the measurements ain't that right. Not walking in the hot sun, smoking my day away, cursing my day and wishing for a better day. Not by sitting in the office to do some work that's not mine. Not sitting in the office, and get thrown all sorts of work pile on my desk! I am no toy to be played with and then to throw in the bin because I can't talk back!!!
I went to G'day Mate, Australian Winebar again yesterday. Talked to Julie some long stories. Get to know her better, then someone called out my name... "JUN!!!!" And i was like, did I hear my name or did I hear my name? Haha..
I turned and there stood Kak Za(Fiza)!!! Hahahaa... SO nice to see her again, I joined her after footing my bill at the winebar, she was at el barrio. I simply joined her and start chatting away. She is so like my sister already. It's so comfortable calling her Kak.. haha.. Those who know me would know that it's hard to become close to me and having me to call them sisters. Unless you show me that you're a sister and earned your respect as a sister, I won't even bother. To me, age is just a number, it's the attitude and character that brings about respect and all. It's not how much you know, but how much you shared these valuable lessons in life.
After having so many backstabbers around, those big mouths around, those stuffs up their sleeves sort of people, I tend to be really tough at choosing my friends and being close. I stop caring if I hurt anybody's feeling, I simply just treat you the way you treat me. You treat me well, and I'll be nice. You treat me bad, and you get a bloody war. Deal?
In the bloody office, buying some expensive bloody time... I'll be in a car, driving in 2 hours time. Oh my!!! Is it just 4.30pm now? My god.. Time is so testing my patience. No matter how busy I am, I am uninterested with work or the money that ever wants to come in, because I ain't happy with the job, with the way I am treated, and with the way they weigh things out. It's utter rubbish, pure biasness, and freaking stupid.
I have one hour more to just shit and fart in the office.. I want to set myself free. I want to free my soul and get lost in rock and roll and simply drift away.. I wanna run and not stop. I wanna shout till my voice is no more. I wanna be happy.. Just how much does happiness cost? Just how much is simplicity worth?
I look my palm, attempting to read my future. I saw nothing but lines. Lines of fates and destiny in my hands. Where do I want to go? How do I want to go? What do I want to do? When do I want to do it? Which way shall I go?
I looked down and look at my feet, I asked them where they are bringing me? They answered, Where are you gonna lead us to?. And I look at them looking at me. And I just look right ahead, all barriers suddenly disappearing. I breathe in all the air I could, breathe it all out and free the tension. And off I go, running up to nowhere.
I hate to ramble about work, but nothing else seemed to excite me except my girlfriends and Z. Even my family is becoming boring! No more laughs, no more jokes, no more smiles... AM I getting old or am I just getting more boring because I know too much?
I did texted and begged my engineer from LTA to get me in there somehow, in some way. I need to go back to construction line!!!! At site, doing site work, supervising... That spells more like my interest!! Not measuring and get blamed if the measurements ain't that right. Not walking in the hot sun, smoking my day away, cursing my day and wishing for a better day. Not by sitting in the office to do some work that's not mine. Not sitting in the office, and get thrown all sorts of work pile on my desk! I am no toy to be played with and then to throw in the bin because I can't talk back!!!
I went to G'day Mate, Australian Winebar again yesterday. Talked to Julie some long stories. Get to know her better, then someone called out my name... "JUN!!!!" And i was like, did I hear my name or did I hear my name? Haha..
I turned and there stood Kak Za(Fiza)!!! Hahahaa... SO nice to see her again, I joined her after footing my bill at the winebar, she was at el barrio. I simply joined her and start chatting away. She is so like my sister already. It's so comfortable calling her Kak.. haha.. Those who know me would know that it's hard to become close to me and having me to call them sisters. Unless you show me that you're a sister and earned your respect as a sister, I won't even bother. To me, age is just a number, it's the attitude and character that brings about respect and all. It's not how much you know, but how much you shared these valuable lessons in life.
After having so many backstabbers around, those big mouths around, those stuffs up their sleeves sort of people, I tend to be really tough at choosing my friends and being close. I stop caring if I hurt anybody's feeling, I simply just treat you the way you treat me. You treat me well, and I'll be nice. You treat me bad, and you get a bloody war. Deal?
In the bloody office, buying some expensive bloody time... I'll be in a car, driving in 2 hours time. Oh my!!! Is it just 4.30pm now? My god.. Time is so testing my patience. No matter how busy I am, I am uninterested with work or the money that ever wants to come in, because I ain't happy with the job, with the way I am treated, and with the way they weigh things out. It's utter rubbish, pure biasness, and freaking stupid.
I have one hour more to just shit and fart in the office.. I want to set myself free. I want to free my soul and get lost in rock and roll and simply drift away.. I wanna run and not stop. I wanna shout till my voice is no more. I wanna be happy.. Just how much does happiness cost? Just how much is simplicity worth?
I look my palm, attempting to read my future. I saw nothing but lines. Lines of fates and destiny in my hands. Where do I want to go? How do I want to go? What do I want to do? When do I want to do it? Which way shall I go?
I looked down and look at my feet, I asked them where they are bringing me? They answered, Where are you gonna lead us to?. And I look at them looking at me. And I just look right ahead, all barriers suddenly disappearing. I breathe in all the air I could, breathe it all out and free the tension. And off I go, running up to nowhere.
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Some Details Forgotten
Ah.. Can't believe I didn't post my movie bites!!! I watched a movie on 11th September, which I remember saying, but didn't post on the details.. I got obsessed with other things, I guess. Ah.. Back to my movie bites!!!
I watched 'The Longest Yard'. A movie to watch if you're looking for a really good laugh and some rough ball game! Yeah.. The American football + loads of humour!!! Paul Crewe, acted by Adam Sandler (he's also the producer for this movie), is someone who is totally obsessed with football. He played and had fouled in a game, also by the law(I think), he was almost like a trained monkey in his girlfriends territory. He had to do what his girlfriend said to a point he had enough. He drank his night, while his girlfriend threw a party. His girlfriend went absurb and told him to get dress with the one she bought him- a sailor suit! Ugly!!
Then he played with words and emotion and managed to lock his girlfriend in the closet. He took 6cans of beers and went on to drive his girlfriend's baby. Humour starts here!!! It was just so great. But this is not the main plot. The main plot was, he was sent to jail and was later told by the warden to give him some tips for the warden's team. So he did and said he should put up 2 teams and let them play against each other.
Then the warden told him to come up with a team of convicts to play against the guards. Then Caretaker, acted by Chris Rock, spoke to him and became his first ever friend behind the cells. Funny meet funny, what ya expect? A humorous, cry to your tears movie of course. Need I say more about this movie. It's really really worth watching it even at $15!! Truly great show to watch alone or with a group of friends. I watched it with Z and what do you know, he recognized all the wrestler acting in it.. I can only remember two of them, who are Stonecold and Diesel.
Anyways, today is a bit on the boring side. Going to site later at CVC aka Convention Station. Still haven't got my helmet and boots. At one side, I'm excited but on the other, I'm so de-motivated. Nothing seem to excite me anymore, ah.. there's one.. My Sentosa trip with my duo. We are the trio and we would make anything fun! Other than that, I am on the rocks.
Z is making it a bit easier for me to handle, but it's me that I need to face. I might talk to Mr to get a better picture. He's much older and wiser and had been through all that I'm going through so probably the best person to talk to. That's it for now. I can hear my director's voice..
I watched 'The Longest Yard'. A movie to watch if you're looking for a really good laugh and some rough ball game! Yeah.. The American football + loads of humour!!! Paul Crewe, acted by Adam Sandler (he's also the producer for this movie), is someone who is totally obsessed with football. He played and had fouled in a game, also by the law(I think), he was almost like a trained monkey in his girlfriends territory. He had to do what his girlfriend said to a point he had enough. He drank his night, while his girlfriend threw a party. His girlfriend went absurb and told him to get dress with the one she bought him- a sailor suit! Ugly!!
Then he played with words and emotion and managed to lock his girlfriend in the closet. He took 6cans of beers and went on to drive his girlfriend's baby. Humour starts here!!! It was just so great. But this is not the main plot. The main plot was, he was sent to jail and was later told by the warden to give him some tips for the warden's team. So he did and said he should put up 2 teams and let them play against each other.
Then the warden told him to come up with a team of convicts to play against the guards. Then Caretaker, acted by Chris Rock, spoke to him and became his first ever friend behind the cells. Funny meet funny, what ya expect? A humorous, cry to your tears movie of course. Need I say more about this movie. It's really really worth watching it even at $15!! Truly great show to watch alone or with a group of friends. I watched it with Z and what do you know, he recognized all the wrestler acting in it.. I can only remember two of them, who are Stonecold and Diesel.
Anyways, today is a bit on the boring side. Going to site later at CVC aka Convention Station. Still haven't got my helmet and boots. At one side, I'm excited but on the other, I'm so de-motivated. Nothing seem to excite me anymore, ah.. there's one.. My Sentosa trip with my duo. We are the trio and we would make anything fun! Other than that, I am on the rocks.
Z is making it a bit easier for me to handle, but it's me that I need to face. I might talk to Mr to get a better picture. He's much older and wiser and had been through all that I'm going through so probably the best person to talk to. That's it for now. I can hear my director's voice..
Monday, September 12, 2005
My first day driving...
It was god good damn fun!!! Haha.. Instructor said, I'm way above average for a first timer. I went on the main road in less than half hour of practicing turns and stopping and moving off... Haha..
Way way cool!! Except I sometimes step on the engine pedal too much.. haha.. Just says how much I wanna speed.. Hahaha..
Oh, Ummi texted me... She wanted to know about Z. I told her a bit of him on Saturday.
Her text, "Btw, I was curious. Are you serious with the guy you told me on Sat? I hope not ya"
I replied, "Why?"
Her reply, "I don't know maybe coz we know Mr and we kinda like the way he makes you feel so positive... You should know better."
I replied, "Ok, but he won't convert."
She replied, " Hmmm, maybe should give him more time. This guy wats his name? What is he doing now? What's the background? Sorry too motherly, but I want to know."
....
The rest is details about Z.. So Z, if you're serious.. You ought to work on that. Mr has set a really high standard for you to follow.
Will talk to Z when I meet him tomorrow.
Driving is so so cool!!!! I wanna drive and drive and keep driving!!!! It's so so cool!
Way way cool!! Except I sometimes step on the engine pedal too much.. haha.. Just says how much I wanna speed.. Hahaha..
Oh, Ummi texted me... She wanted to know about Z. I told her a bit of him on Saturday.
Her text, "Btw, I was curious. Are you serious with the guy you told me on Sat? I hope not ya"
I replied, "Why?"
Her reply, "I don't know maybe coz we know Mr and we kinda like the way he makes you feel so positive... You should know better."
I replied, "Ok, but he won't convert."
She replied, " Hmmm, maybe should give him more time. This guy wats his name? What is he doing now? What's the background? Sorry too motherly, but I want to know."
....
The rest is details about Z.. So Z, if you're serious.. You ought to work on that. Mr has set a really high standard for you to follow.
Will talk to Z when I meet him tomorrow.
Driving is so so cool!!!! I wanna drive and drive and keep driving!!!! It's so so cool!
Sunday, September 11, 2005
Special Sunday
Ah... Sunday, teaching day.. I sent Mas home today. Someone's up wanting to see her house. It's soon up for sale.. so this is a preview almost. Then off I go teaching...
Taught an extra hour for my first two kids. Long hours, felt sleepy, so I cancelled the later one. Was having migranes, sudden shots of headaches. Went to take my PDL at Sharm's house, spoke to her mom a bit. Then went off to meet Z for awhile.
Went to get my haircut, bought movie tickets... Wanted a pair of shoes, but I guess that can wait a while longer. My haircut Rocks!!! Haha.. I'm a rock star now. I'll style it up one day and take a self pic for all.. Haha.. I promised to reveal my room.. but it's kindda yikey at the moment. I couldn't even spare a muscle to clean it up a tiny bit. I can still sleep on my bed without much hassle so what more do I need. Haha..
Tomorrow is my first step to driving a car.. yeay!!! Haha.. I'm gonna drive, drive, drive, with a L plate. But who cares, at least I got to drive.. Haha.. Am so looking forward to tomorrow for that and for more.
ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz.....
Taught an extra hour for my first two kids. Long hours, felt sleepy, so I cancelled the later one. Was having migranes, sudden shots of headaches. Went to take my PDL at Sharm's house, spoke to her mom a bit. Then went off to meet Z for awhile.
Went to get my haircut, bought movie tickets... Wanted a pair of shoes, but I guess that can wait a while longer. My haircut Rocks!!! Haha.. I'm a rock star now. I'll style it up one day and take a self pic for all.. Haha.. I promised to reveal my room.. but it's kindda yikey at the moment. I couldn't even spare a muscle to clean it up a tiny bit. I can still sleep on my bed without much hassle so what more do I need. Haha..
Tomorrow is my first step to driving a car.. yeay!!! Haha.. I'm gonna drive, drive, drive, with a L plate. But who cares, at least I got to drive.. Haha.. Am so looking forward to tomorrow for that and for more.
ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz.....
Saturday, September 10, 2005
Am I really the one?
I am sometimes so afraid to put my everything at stake just to be happy. In the process of saving myself from misery, I sometimes forget what makes me happy. I felt very happy, loved, at strangely, I felt so much at home. It's not like what you may think, it's not residential home but home for the heart, I felt like I've just found home where my heart belongs truly.
Maybe it's time to come clean and do some confession over here, while I still have the strenght and courage to do so.
Confession #01: I gave Z a second chance provided if he could give and follow some rules I set for this relationship.
Rules #01: I need freedom and I don't want to be tied down in any way.
Rules #02: My friends are still more important, so I might still spare more time with my friends than with him.
Rules #03: No S%$. I don't wanna be obligated to do it or intend to do it.
Rules #04: He ought to die trying to prove to me that not all Malay men are up to break rule #03 to be in a relationship.
Confession #02: I found myself falling so much in love with Z. Partially because he was my "first love". The one whom had made me fall and fall hard on my face. The first guy whom I had so much in common, up to today.. Funny that was. And the first one who's so sweet yet made me cry.
Confession #03: I'm still afraid of Mr hating me. More afraid to lose him, as I am grateful to him still. If not for his existence, I won't be here.
Confession #04: I have dreams of having a family, being a home-maker at some stage of my life. Be happy with who I am meant to be with. With beautiful, talented and bright kids, if they got my genes, and the sweetest, sensitive, great character and personality with their dad's genes.
Confession #05: I found Z because I searched for him, not by browsing my friend's friend's friends through friendster. I actually did search for him and look through all the guys with Z's name from everywhere. Coincidentally, he's linked to a friend's friend. So sorry Z, I lied to you. I am a little bit well, shy to admit that I searched for you.
Ah... That's it. Still no response from Mr about one of my post. Felt crappy! Don't he know how much it means to me to have some words of his opinion and comments.
I guess this is it. I just hope Mr understands my stand. I still do love you, but I don't think it's gonna work. I'm truly sorry.
Maybe it's time to come clean and do some confession over here, while I still have the strenght and courage to do so.
Confession #01: I gave Z a second chance provided if he could give and follow some rules I set for this relationship.
Rules #01: I need freedom and I don't want to be tied down in any way.
Rules #02: My friends are still more important, so I might still spare more time with my friends than with him.
Rules #03: No S%$. I don't wanna be obligated to do it or intend to do it.
Rules #04: He ought to die trying to prove to me that not all Malay men are up to break rule #03 to be in a relationship.
Confession #02: I found myself falling so much in love with Z. Partially because he was my "first love". The one whom had made me fall and fall hard on my face. The first guy whom I had so much in common, up to today.. Funny that was. And the first one who's so sweet yet made me cry.
Confession #03: I'm still afraid of Mr hating me. More afraid to lose him, as I am grateful to him still. If not for his existence, I won't be here.
Confession #04: I have dreams of having a family, being a home-maker at some stage of my life. Be happy with who I am meant to be with. With beautiful, talented and bright kids, if they got my genes, and the sweetest, sensitive, great character and personality with their dad's genes.
Confession #05: I found Z because I searched for him, not by browsing my friend's friend's friends through friendster. I actually did search for him and look through all the guys with Z's name from everywhere. Coincidentally, he's linked to a friend's friend. So sorry Z, I lied to you. I am a little bit well, shy to admit that I searched for you.
Ah... That's it. Still no response from Mr about one of my post. Felt crappy! Don't he know how much it means to me to have some words of his opinion and comments.
I guess this is it. I just hope Mr understands my stand. I still do love you, but I don't think it's gonna work. I'm truly sorry.
Friday, September 09, 2005
G'day Mate!
Where the finiest wines sits, that's where I will come and enjoy.
It's good that I have adapted to the practice of doing everything alone by myself. I met a publisher yesterday and had asked him to have a look at my creations. He asked me to meet someone today, but I can't make it. I wish I could.
I found out that it's cheaper to do it at this winebar. But, only wines... People may not enjoy only wines. So, I'm still considering. I'll be doing it on 3rd December, I think that's the date that I should go for.
Still in the office, doing some stuff.. Can't wait for next Saturday!!!!
It's good that I have adapted to the practice of doing everything alone by myself. I met a publisher yesterday and had asked him to have a look at my creations. He asked me to meet someone today, but I can't make it. I wish I could.
I found out that it's cheaper to do it at this winebar. But, only wines... People may not enjoy only wines. So, I'm still considering. I'll be doing it on 3rd December, I think that's the date that I should go for.
Still in the office, doing some stuff.. Can't wait for next Saturday!!!!
Thursday, September 08, 2005
Thursday Today Not Tomorrow
The usual Thursday rush... Discussion then tender preparations. Busy day busy night.
Got invited to go for a BBQ. Z wanted me to come, dead or alive.. So I just made my presence known, Z fetched me anyway. So no problem or excuse for me. Went to Z's sister's house, H and well, reintroduction considering not having met them for 6 years, probably more. Her daughter, A, is so well-grown and keeps smiling. It was really such a nice gesture to have invited me along. Not many people so I guess I had made myself to my own comfort. Then H put on the VCD, Robots. It's really funny. Had so many good laughs. Strangely, Z keep staring at me instead of the TV.
It is getting late and Z sent me home, had a talk with Z. About everything, how things are, yadayadayada... And Z asked me for a second chance. Told him, I'm not ready. It's the truth, I'm not ready for anything for as long as it requires commitment. Well, not for now and not anytime soon. It's nice to see Z again, and a good talk we have about everything. I wasn't ready when Mr got into the picture, it was just like a roller coaster ride. I had all the thrill, the fun, the joy, and everything.. But when I wanted to commit, I find Mr not ready just as yet.
I had done all the thinking, and I don't think I would want to add complications into my family again. I mean if I don't want him to convert for stupid reason like marriage, then again, I don't want my family to make a distance from me. They would if I were to have a mix religion marriage. It's not just them, for me as well.. I don't want to be like this forever, being free, drinking, smoking or looking forward to something forbidden before marriage like you know what. I would want to stop eventually. I would want to be happy, and have my family happy and stay close together.
To be honest, I'm considering staying single, not get married, and just be happy alone. Not have any committments, just me, my parents, my sisters, and my totties.Then again, Mr had brought about a lot of things that was hidden, and for that I'm forever grateful to him. I won't forget him and never close to hate him for anything. If not for him, a lot of things wouldn't have got to where it is right now.
Then again, sometimes.. Just sometimes, I wish things were different. But I know, that if things were different, everything else would too. I've been through a lot, and nothing can pull me down, not now..
My mind, my body, and heart and my soul is tired of trying too hard. I want to stop. I want to let go. I want to forget. I want to forgive. On the other hand, I don't think I have the courage to say all this, or even the tiniest part of it to Mr. I am afraid, too afraid of losing him. Sometimes I hear myself say that it won't work. Yet my soul is obligated. He had done so much, I have no reason to simply leave him and let him go. Then again, if I don't... I would be at the losing end because I had known it won't work too far. I had that feeling once, I followed my soul and I ended up with someone shitting on my face, spit and simply left. I should this time thinking with my brains. Be practical and stay happy with myself- at least.
All I want was to be happy. I don't want to repeat what I've done before. I kept moving, but with no direction. I went where the wind take me.
And I asked the wind, "Where are you taking me?" And I heard her answer, "Where you want to be."
I shall leave the rest for God to decide. I shall do what I can do and not think of things I can't. I shall want to have the things I have and not think of things that I can't have.
I want 3Fs - Family, Friends and Fun. And I have them.
Got invited to go for a BBQ. Z wanted me to come, dead or alive.. So I just made my presence known, Z fetched me anyway. So no problem or excuse for me. Went to Z's sister's house, H and well, reintroduction considering not having met them for 6 years, probably more. Her daughter, A, is so well-grown and keeps smiling. It was really such a nice gesture to have invited me along. Not many people so I guess I had made myself to my own comfort. Then H put on the VCD, Robots. It's really funny. Had so many good laughs. Strangely, Z keep staring at me instead of the TV.
It is getting late and Z sent me home, had a talk with Z. About everything, how things are, yadayadayada... And Z asked me for a second chance. Told him, I'm not ready. It's the truth, I'm not ready for anything for as long as it requires commitment. Well, not for now and not anytime soon. It's nice to see Z again, and a good talk we have about everything. I wasn't ready when Mr got into the picture, it was just like a roller coaster ride. I had all the thrill, the fun, the joy, and everything.. But when I wanted to commit, I find Mr not ready just as yet.
I had done all the thinking, and I don't think I would want to add complications into my family again. I mean if I don't want him to convert for stupid reason like marriage, then again, I don't want my family to make a distance from me. They would if I were to have a mix religion marriage. It's not just them, for me as well.. I don't want to be like this forever, being free, drinking, smoking or looking forward to something forbidden before marriage like you know what. I would want to stop eventually. I would want to be happy, and have my family happy and stay close together.
To be honest, I'm considering staying single, not get married, and just be happy alone. Not have any committments, just me, my parents, my sisters, and my totties.Then again, Mr had brought about a lot of things that was hidden, and for that I'm forever grateful to him. I won't forget him and never close to hate him for anything. If not for him, a lot of things wouldn't have got to where it is right now.
Then again, sometimes.. Just sometimes, I wish things were different. But I know, that if things were different, everything else would too. I've been through a lot, and nothing can pull me down, not now..
My mind, my body, and heart and my soul is tired of trying too hard. I want to stop. I want to let go. I want to forget. I want to forgive. On the other hand, I don't think I have the courage to say all this, or even the tiniest part of it to Mr. I am afraid, too afraid of losing him. Sometimes I hear myself say that it won't work. Yet my soul is obligated. He had done so much, I have no reason to simply leave him and let him go. Then again, if I don't... I would be at the losing end because I had known it won't work too far. I had that feeling once, I followed my soul and I ended up with someone shitting on my face, spit and simply left. I should this time thinking with my brains. Be practical and stay happy with myself- at least.
All I want was to be happy. I don't want to repeat what I've done before. I kept moving, but with no direction. I went where the wind take me.
And I asked the wind, "Where are you taking me?" And I heard her answer, "Where you want to be."
I shall leave the rest for God to decide. I shall do what I can do and not think of things I can't. I shall want to have the things I have and not think of things that I can't have.
I want 3Fs - Family, Friends and Fun. And I have them.
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
How Naifa derives about.
Good morning, darlings. Someone just asked me how I got Naifa as a nickname so I thought, why don't I just post it up on how I get that nickname.Well, I got that nickname when I was 12. It was a Malay assignment, my teacher asked all of us to get a nickname, to take any part of original name and add one letter somewhere in midst of the part of the original name- a letter from our father's name. So I thought, the letter F would be nice in my name. So I laid out my name picking up the best few. So from Junaidah, I picked out Nai and add a F from Yusof and another A to complete my nickname, and wa la~ out comes Naifa.
It didn't quite stay with me, only a few of my few friends still call me Ifa- short for Naifa. At the moment, 4 of them are the only ones. 4 of mostly short conversations of friends. Then I decided to simply put these two names together and it sounds nice! Naifa Junaidah. Sweet... Often than not, guys prefer calling me Ifa to Jun. I do know why Ifa don't stick, particularly because I don't response to it as immediately as to Jun. Hahaha..
Oh well, oh well.. Just bump into one of my ex boyfriend back 5 years ago. Haha.. It's funny talking about what I was 6 years ago. Totally nuts not to mention naive. Haha... But it's all good.
Gonna apply for my PDL today, I can't wait to hit the roads. Better dash now, then. Till later~
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
New findings from new conversations.
Mr haven't been finding time to chat up with me lately. I dislike that and am not happy about his absence on my birthday bash, so okay he has a valid reason. But hell.. I want him around, but then again, heck I need to be home by 10pm!!!
People have been asking me if Mr would be there on my birthday bash, sad but I had to say no... He won't be around in Singapore till January.. And I can't wait till then to have my birthday bash! And many said the same saying, that if he's my boyfriend he'd surprise me with his presence.. But.. I don't think he's able to do that.. He's still understudy.. Ah.. Let's just wait and see then..
Then songs after songs came to haunt me about it. About the things that matters with the heart stuff.. Like how I believed that Love is the Answer or Assure me that it's not that.. that it's not over yet.. Ahh.. Love songs can kill me!
Another toll to make my day go worse.. Argh.. Today is definitely my bad bad bad bad day!!!! Can't wait to change its direction.. Argh..
Freak out of my sight!!!
People have been asking me if Mr would be there on my birthday bash, sad but I had to say no... He won't be around in Singapore till January.. And I can't wait till then to have my birthday bash! And many said the same saying, that if he's my boyfriend he'd surprise me with his presence.. But.. I don't think he's able to do that.. He's still understudy.. Ah.. Let's just wait and see then..
Then songs after songs came to haunt me about it. About the things that matters with the heart stuff.. Like how I believed that Love is the Answer or Assure me that it's not that.. that it's not over yet.. Ahh.. Love songs can kill me!
Another toll to make my day go worse.. Argh.. Today is definitely my bad bad bad bad day!!!! Can't wait to change its direction.. Argh..
Freak out of my sight!!!
I dun care and no one else do.
I wasn't in my best mood from the moment I woke up. I went to the office to do some stuff then kick off home to eat and shower, it was really hot the last two days. Then I went to bank in my cheque, then went on to see some stuff and ended up buying myself two pinkie rings. Look really nice on my fingers. Sweet, cost $32 from Taka Jewellery. Really sweet.
That's the nicest thing about today. Oh the second one was my victory in passing my theory test for my car license, applying for my PDL, Provisional Driving License, so I can hit the roads with myPDI, Private Driving Instructor, Mr Ong. I need to do that during office hours though.
The worst part of my day? Just about 10minutes ago. I just told my mom that I can't spare her monthly money as I wanted to do my car practical lessons, which may come up to $100 this month, most likely more. And she simple had to blurt out that I don't care about her. I was fumed because I don't see why she don't understand my plight! I am down here trying to get my license fast just so that I can get the company to provide me a vehicle then I can drive her around and there she was expecting some boring ordinary money to be manufactured by my wallet! Just why couldn't she understand me? I didn't forget about her!!! I was just saying that I can't give her this month! And there she was complaining and complaining about her children not giving her enough money!! What the hell?!
I just threw her a $50 note on her sewing table! I just had to, I couldn't take it! Then she had to say that I wasn't genuine in giving the the bill so I don't have to. Oh well, oh well.. who's not being genuine here? She not accepting my plight or me not giving her any notes this month? I am not being calculative but did I ever not give her the notes she wanted when I have lots of them? This is the one reason why I prefer my dad so much more than her! At least my dad don't complain about anything!
I couldn't care any longer that I just smoked a few in my room despite my parents being awake! I simply couldn't care any longer. I cared so much and all I get is complaints and naggings!!!! Argh!!! That simply spoil my mood, completely.
I hadn't forgotten about my godson's(Shahril) and my nephew's(Muhammad Hilmy) birthday tomorrow though. My godson's gonna be two and my nephew 5 tomorrow. I dunno what to get them, but I'll get one eventually. Argh.. Still in bad mood!!! Freaking mom I have! These are how uneducated people behave, giving shit and accepting shit for no freaking reason! Argh!!!!
Freak off my sight!
That's the nicest thing about today. Oh the second one was my victory in passing my theory test for my car license, applying for my PDL, Provisional Driving License, so I can hit the roads with myPDI, Private Driving Instructor, Mr Ong. I need to do that during office hours though.
The worst part of my day? Just about 10minutes ago. I just told my mom that I can't spare her monthly money as I wanted to do my car practical lessons, which may come up to $100 this month, most likely more. And she simple had to blurt out that I don't care about her. I was fumed because I don't see why she don't understand my plight! I am down here trying to get my license fast just so that I can get the company to provide me a vehicle then I can drive her around and there she was expecting some boring ordinary money to be manufactured by my wallet! Just why couldn't she understand me? I didn't forget about her!!! I was just saying that I can't give her this month! And there she was complaining and complaining about her children not giving her enough money!! What the hell?!
I just threw her a $50 note on her sewing table! I just had to, I couldn't take it! Then she had to say that I wasn't genuine in giving the the bill so I don't have to. Oh well, oh well.. who's not being genuine here? She not accepting my plight or me not giving her any notes this month? I am not being calculative but did I ever not give her the notes she wanted when I have lots of them? This is the one reason why I prefer my dad so much more than her! At least my dad don't complain about anything!
I couldn't care any longer that I just smoked a few in my room despite my parents being awake! I simply couldn't care any longer. I cared so much and all I get is complaints and naggings!!!! Argh!!! That simply spoil my mood, completely.
I hadn't forgotten about my godson's(Shahril) and my nephew's(Muhammad Hilmy) birthday tomorrow though. My godson's gonna be two and my nephew 5 tomorrow. I dunno what to get them, but I'll get one eventually. Argh.. Still in bad mood!!! Freaking mom I have! These are how uneducated people behave, giving shit and accepting shit for no freaking reason! Argh!!!!
Freak off my sight!
Monday, September 05, 2005
Bored today
I'm so freaking bored today.. Extremely bored, way too bored. Just plain dead bored me! I hate these boring days... Must be the Monday blues!!
I had a draggy start, went to site.. Do measurements, took pictures... drenching in sweat, and guess what, some 14, 15 yr olds were disturbing me, not physically disturb, but like wooing.. I simply can't believe it!! Do I seriously look THAT young?? My, to add to that, some "uncle" just asked me what secondary school I was from while I was smoking.. Ah.. I really can't believe it. I was doing my work for crying out loud!!! I am doing measurement, would any secondary school students seriously do measurements???? Stupid these people can be sometimes!
Ah.. Then I went to meet up with Sharmie, then that rotten apple called me and asked me complete her progress claim, which I already did, so I went back office.. Give it to her, and she went back and told me she don't want this, she want that, this that this that.. Just why couldn't she tell me that earlier from the start? I asked her that with the calmest face I can ever find. And she got mad all by herself, went to her desk came back 5 minutes later to say the same instructions with an angrier tone, and I looked at her and said, OK. And she went off angrier.. Then she came every 3 minutes to hurry me up in completing what she asked for, and 5 minutes after, it's all done.
She left angry, then called me up to give me more things to do for her.. So sweet isn't it? Ahhh.. Work life... Why are you so sweet, work life?
It's funny, that I saw a friend whom I hadn't spoke to for awhile. I asked him about his girlfriend how they were going and all.. And all he answer was, I dun have any gf.. And when I went to see this something they called friendster up, he was attached and his gf has loads of pics of them together... What a Liar! How can someone be such a liar? What's so wrong in admitting that you're in a relationship with someone? Dum dum..
I need to clear the mess I have in my room. It seriously look like a pig sty already.. Urgh, I'm shit scared about clearing it up.. It looks like it won't end... Haha.. Yikes.. Jun! You're a lady so get your ass off the chair and start to clear the mess!!!! Argh.. NOOOOoooooo It's a hell of a mess.. I can't start, I dunno where to start, how to start and when to start! Arrggghhhh... Ok ok.. I promise by this weekend... I really do, okay... I'll take a picture of my room, okay. Today, and next week than you can spot the difference.. Yes.. Okay.. Deal..
PS: Don't be a surprise if there's no difference at all..
I had a draggy start, went to site.. Do measurements, took pictures... drenching in sweat, and guess what, some 14, 15 yr olds were disturbing me, not physically disturb, but like wooing.. I simply can't believe it!! Do I seriously look THAT young?? My, to add to that, some "uncle" just asked me what secondary school I was from while I was smoking.. Ah.. I really can't believe it. I was doing my work for crying out loud!!! I am doing measurement, would any secondary school students seriously do measurements???? Stupid these people can be sometimes!
Ah.. Then I went to meet up with Sharmie, then that rotten apple called me and asked me complete her progress claim, which I already did, so I went back office.. Give it to her, and she went back and told me she don't want this, she want that, this that this that.. Just why couldn't she tell me that earlier from the start? I asked her that with the calmest face I can ever find. And she got mad all by herself, went to her desk came back 5 minutes later to say the same instructions with an angrier tone, and I looked at her and said, OK. And she went off angrier.. Then she came every 3 minutes to hurry me up in completing what she asked for, and 5 minutes after, it's all done.
She left angry, then called me up to give me more things to do for her.. So sweet isn't it? Ahhh.. Work life... Why are you so sweet, work life?
It's funny, that I saw a friend whom I hadn't spoke to for awhile. I asked him about his girlfriend how they were going and all.. And all he answer was, I dun have any gf.. And when I went to see this something they called friendster up, he was attached and his gf has loads of pics of them together... What a Liar! How can someone be such a liar? What's so wrong in admitting that you're in a relationship with someone? Dum dum..
I need to clear the mess I have in my room. It seriously look like a pig sty already.. Urgh, I'm shit scared about clearing it up.. It looks like it won't end... Haha.. Yikes.. Jun! You're a lady so get your ass off the chair and start to clear the mess!!!! Argh.. NOOOOoooooo It's a hell of a mess.. I can't start, I dunno where to start, how to start and when to start! Arrggghhhh... Ok ok.. I promise by this weekend... I really do, okay... I'll take a picture of my room, okay. Today, and next week than you can spot the difference.. Yes.. Okay.. Deal..
PS: Don't be a surprise if there's no difference at all..
Sunday, September 04, 2005
Being alone is so good!!!
Know what? I'm getting used to doing things all alone, by myself. It kindda feel good, brings about that big smile in my face, just shows how proud I am of myself. When I used to complain of having to do everything myself, I'm now gladly and happily doing what I want to do ALONE. Hahaha.. It's so great being so good about being alone. Sounded a bit saddist, does it? Ah.. I'm just being happy!! Haha....
Well, I went teaching today. Taught the same 3 kids. Exams are coming. In a month. So kids, work hard and reap the benefits! All my kids just scrape through or simply failed by a point or two, simply by carelessness... Pure carelessness!!! I wish I could scream at them, but I know that never work... Never.. So words of encouragement went oozing out my mouth, telling them to be more careful next time. To read the instructions, to stay calm and relax, do one at a time.. etc.
Then I walked my lonely path heading home, initially.. Then my legs took it's own steps and way towards Jurong Point, then it went on heading for the escalator up 2 levels... Then suddenly, just suddenly, I'm in the queue to buy a movie ticket, my lips make shapes and my voice completes with the words, Herbie Fully Loaded. The counterman asked if it's for two, and I simply said Nope, Just me.. Me alone.. I smiled as I made my way in. Sat on my seat, helping myself to all the room all to myself, and myself alone.. Yippeee...
Advertisements are always the same ol' thing. The same ol' switch off your mobile- often doesn't work coz 30 minutes into the movie, you'll simply hear some strange tones that does not belong in the movie or some kind of vibrations on your seat. The same ol' those above 90cm are to buy a ticket, ya da ya da... then the movie peeks.. "The longest yard" looks worth.. And yes.. "Dukes of Hazard" is darn darn cool!!!! Gotta watch those two next, the latter espeacially!!! I'm all excited!
Okay now, Herbie is a Volkswagen bug born in 1963 with the number 53 on his front. He is born a racer and continues to race but dropped a little after millions of victory to doomsday. He was brought to 'Crazy Dave' to be crashed and made to scrap. But Mr Ray Peyton Sr. played by Michael Keaton, brought his daughter Maggie Peyton, played by Lindsay Lohan, to get her graduation gift in 'Crazy Dave' garage. She set her eyes on a Nascar car, and dream away about being the first woman to enter Nascar race. She then set her eyes on the Nissan when Herbie horned away shit scared about being crashed, trying to get her attention too. Then with all his will, Herbie fell on the Nissan and gave Maggie no choice but to get him.. And then the adventure begins. Thanks to Herbie, Maggie met her hottie, Kevin... And the story goes on... Sorry guys, got no choice but to spoil the introductory.. Ah well.. It's still worth the $9.50 to watch!!! Haha.. Yeah!!! I watched a movie all by myself ALONE!!! It can never feel better than now! Ha! Am so proud to be me! Can't wait for another alone time alone in the movie theater. Yeah yeah, which part of alone do you not understand? Me wanna watch movie alone again.. Not with ya.. with myself. Only myself.. haha.. It's so cool! Way cool!
Now off I go, smiling away... What shall I do.. Hmm.... thinking thinking all by myself..
Daa~
Well, I went teaching today. Taught the same 3 kids. Exams are coming. In a month. So kids, work hard and reap the benefits! All my kids just scrape through or simply failed by a point or two, simply by carelessness... Pure carelessness!!! I wish I could scream at them, but I know that never work... Never.. So words of encouragement went oozing out my mouth, telling them to be more careful next time. To read the instructions, to stay calm and relax, do one at a time.. etc.
Then I walked my lonely path heading home, initially.. Then my legs took it's own steps and way towards Jurong Point, then it went on heading for the escalator up 2 levels... Then suddenly, just suddenly, I'm in the queue to buy a movie ticket, my lips make shapes and my voice completes with the words, Herbie Fully Loaded. The counterman asked if it's for two, and I simply said Nope, Just me.. Me alone.. I smiled as I made my way in. Sat on my seat, helping myself to all the room all to myself, and myself alone.. Yippeee...
Advertisements are always the same ol' thing. The same ol' switch off your mobile- often doesn't work coz 30 minutes into the movie, you'll simply hear some strange tones that does not belong in the movie or some kind of vibrations on your seat. The same ol' those above 90cm are to buy a ticket, ya da ya da... then the movie peeks.. "The longest yard" looks worth.. And yes.. "Dukes of Hazard" is darn darn cool!!!! Gotta watch those two next, the latter espeacially!!! I'm all excited!
Okay now, Herbie is a Volkswagen bug born in 1963 with the number 53 on his front. He is born a racer and continues to race but dropped a little after millions of victory to doomsday. He was brought to 'Crazy Dave' to be crashed and made to scrap. But Mr Ray Peyton Sr. played by Michael Keaton, brought his daughter Maggie Peyton, played by Lindsay Lohan, to get her graduation gift in 'Crazy Dave' garage. She set her eyes on a Nascar car, and dream away about being the first woman to enter Nascar race. She then set her eyes on the Nissan when Herbie horned away shit scared about being crashed, trying to get her attention too. Then with all his will, Herbie fell on the Nissan and gave Maggie no choice but to get him.. And then the adventure begins. Thanks to Herbie, Maggie met her hottie, Kevin... And the story goes on... Sorry guys, got no choice but to spoil the introductory.. Ah well.. It's still worth the $9.50 to watch!!! Haha.. Yeah!!! I watched a movie all by myself ALONE!!! It can never feel better than now! Ha! Am so proud to be me! Can't wait for another alone time alone in the movie theater. Yeah yeah, which part of alone do you not understand? Me wanna watch movie alone again.. Not with ya.. with myself. Only myself.. haha.. It's so cool! Way cool!
Now off I go, smiling away... What shall I do.. Hmm.... thinking thinking all by myself..
Daa~
The past once again...
Sorry, everyone.. I dunno what's up with me posting about the days of the pasts lately. I had time last night, but couldn't find anything to write about until today... Ahh.. Maybe my brains are clogged up at night. Haha..
Anyway, haven't done much since the last I wrote. Nothing really. My confirmation for my current job is over, nothing was heard though. Noone came up to me to say, I'm on for the next year. Or I'm no longer needed.. Or anything like that. Assume it's still on. They gave me a few things to do, so I guess so. Well, let's hope so.. Wrote an email to my lady friends. Am still thinking of where to hold my 21st. Wine bar definitely, but where, which one. The ones at Dempsey Road, like Mr said is good. I have to see it for myself still. Asked Ken about it and he said it's good too. I really don't quite know which one to settle for, wine bar as I know would be small and good for like less than 100 attendees. I think that's enough to make the party go wild, wouldn't it? I mean the whole touch guys are gonna be there, how many of them.. Ermm.. let me see, Ken, Greg, Gavin, Mick, Dave, Aaron, Paul, Richard, Adyn, Eddy, Roy, Gareth a few more definitely but can't quite remember maybe I haven't made the move to talk to them and know them more. As for the girls, Viv, Naz, M, some more girls and wives, my beloved darling definitely Sharm and Ting.. Penny, Ern maybe... Then my GM, The condo manager, a few suppliers/partners... that would round off to 30 pax.
Oh yes, before I forget.. need to post about yesterday. I met up with Steffen yesterday, after staying with the touch boys for a couple of beer. I was at Borders enjoying Michael Buble when he snapped his fingers in my face. Then he said he wanted some ice-cream, so we went and get those at 7-11. I got myself the Cornetto vanilla-choc. And he got himself the Snickers ice-cream. Then we went on chatting, went to see his room. It's a total mess from last night's party. Must be.. haha.. He said he got back at 8am. My.. that same old person he was. And the table is decorated with towers of cigarettes. Haha.. Then we went on talking and talking about everything that happened in between of our separate lives... about movies we watched(on separate occasions that was- the only movie we watched together was 50 First Dates), we had that in common, the love for movies- just that he would watch all the DVDs and me watch the real movie. Then tiny toons came up on his HBO and we ended up watching that the whole 2 hours, laughing our heads off. Daffy keeps getting the kaboom.. haha..
Then it's time to go, I went home in a cab, being the lazy me.. ah... Old times stay old times. To be honest, I do miss being with Steffen.. But I miss being with Mr J more than ever!
Today is teaching day.. I am so dragging today.. Gonna have my breakfast now.. Later~
Anyway, haven't done much since the last I wrote. Nothing really. My confirmation for my current job is over, nothing was heard though. Noone came up to me to say, I'm on for the next year. Or I'm no longer needed.. Or anything like that. Assume it's still on. They gave me a few things to do, so I guess so. Well, let's hope so.. Wrote an email to my lady friends. Am still thinking of where to hold my 21st. Wine bar definitely, but where, which one. The ones at Dempsey Road, like Mr said is good. I have to see it for myself still. Asked Ken about it and he said it's good too. I really don't quite know which one to settle for, wine bar as I know would be small and good for like less than 100 attendees. I think that's enough to make the party go wild, wouldn't it? I mean the whole touch guys are gonna be there, how many of them.. Ermm.. let me see, Ken, Greg, Gavin, Mick, Dave, Aaron, Paul, Richard, Adyn, Eddy, Roy, Gareth a few more definitely but can't quite remember maybe I haven't made the move to talk to them and know them more. As for the girls, Viv, Naz, M, some more girls and wives, my beloved darling definitely Sharm and Ting.. Penny, Ern maybe... Then my GM, The condo manager, a few suppliers/partners... that would round off to 30 pax.
Oh yes, before I forget.. need to post about yesterday. I met up with Steffen yesterday, after staying with the touch boys for a couple of beer. I was at Borders enjoying Michael Buble when he snapped his fingers in my face. Then he said he wanted some ice-cream, so we went and get those at 7-11. I got myself the Cornetto vanilla-choc. And he got himself the Snickers ice-cream. Then we went on chatting, went to see his room. It's a total mess from last night's party. Must be.. haha.. He said he got back at 8am. My.. that same old person he was. And the table is decorated with towers of cigarettes. Haha.. Then we went on talking and talking about everything that happened in between of our separate lives... about movies we watched(on separate occasions that was- the only movie we watched together was 50 First Dates), we had that in common, the love for movies- just that he would watch all the DVDs and me watch the real movie. Then tiny toons came up on his HBO and we ended up watching that the whole 2 hours, laughing our heads off. Daffy keeps getting the kaboom.. haha..
Then it's time to go, I went home in a cab, being the lazy me.. ah... Old times stay old times. To be honest, I do miss being with Steffen.. But I miss being with Mr J more than ever!
Today is teaching day.. I am so dragging today.. Gonna have my breakfast now.. Later~
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