The loss of a child

Assalammu'alaikum family, friends, readers and followers of this blog. I know and well aware that I've been blogging reviews after reviews.. So now, time for a personal touch...

Yesterday, my child would have turned 12.. He is in heaven right now, in heaven even before he sees the light on Earth. He was due on 7th Jan 2004, but he left me in May 2003. He flushed himself out leaving me to bleed, he has no coffin, no burial, nothing. All that he has left me with is a short memory of his heartbeat, and the outline of his figure just one week before he left for Heaven.

Sadly that printed scan is not in my hands. There is really, no physical evidence to his existence. Noone would have understood my loss, unless, she is a mother who has lost her child like me. I rarely speak of my past, and this specific incident is no different. Not many knew how painful it is to me. The regret I hold for not protecting him enough, the what ifs, the should haves, I just can't. I can't bring myself to forget it and pretend nothing happened. I just can't.

This child would be from my first marriage. Yes I married young, at 17. I was to be his mom before I turn 20.I guess Allah SWT knows, I won't manage, or perhaps this child resembles his father too much, and I may inflict unintentional pain on this child. Who knows... Who knows...

This feeling, I just cant describe in words.. It is pain, but it is filled with joy. It is with happy memories of my outgrown feet and fuller "pau"s, but filled with so much pain of a special kind of loss. I just don't know what to feel. I miss him, I love him. The child I never met before. The child I never knew, and yet love and miss him so much.

I guess it is more painful when I have been married for 3years and still without a child to fill up the void. Baby M was my healing theraphy, but the fact that I still haven't had my own hurts me nonetheless. I have accepted my fate, accepted that perhaps I am not ready yet, but it still hurts, no matter how I consoled myself.

I guess such feelings, noone would understand unless they too are going through it. Perhaps, Allah SWT just want me to focus on caring for my aging parents. Perhaps I need to devote my time more properly. I don't know..

They say time will heal.. It has been 12 years, and I still feel the pain, perhaps I need another 12 years.. I really don't know.. I guess it kindda hit me hard this year because I bled on his birthday, like a timely reminder that once upon a time he was inside me growing.

It is only 9 weeks, but it seemed to me the best and the most special of my life... May I experience it again, and hopefully, if I do get the chance, it will be full term and may I be blessed to cuddle a full term healthy little baby in my arms for many years.. InsyaAllah.. Ammeeenn.

Until I find something more interesting to write,
Jun

Wassalam