More like an entry to just help me let go... It has been 3 weeks since my dad met Our Creator.. MasyaAllah, I am and will forever be grateful with all the help that has been rendered to us to help us grieve, and for understanding our slow progress in taking this in..
A few days ago, mom broke down when she closed her door and saw dad's trousers.. still untouched.. She wanted me to clear, but I too was reluctant - I don't want to break down in front of her. So I suggested leaving it till 40days at least. I guess a part of me just want a part of dad to still be part of this house. I still refuse to mention Late Dad, or Arwah when speaking. He is and will always be in our heart, so I never felt the need to emphasize that he is no longer.
Losing a dad doesnt seemed as easy as it looks. To date I have spoken to a few friends who had lost their dads. Equally, we still feel lost. Some 4 years, 2years, and a few others still under 1year. If they took years, then I guess we are okay.. We are normal to still grieve and mourn of our great loss.
My Bapak is a great man. We (Siblings and I) inherit some of his character. His temper, his silence, his cool, his strength, his humour. We inherit it all in bits and pieces. I still hear his voice everytime I hear the prayer call. His very annoying (when he was alive) reminder for me to pray on time, now seemed so soothing. My brother inherit his looks, except he is too skinny to resemble Dad. If he gained a little weight, we would probably make him come everyday to just hug him like he is Dad.
His great personality and character shows when he departed, a lot of our relatives came rushing to our home to see him one last time, to console us, my cousins calling me to guide me through the process, and rushing over to help with what he can. My maternal village came down to be with my mom, to give her support. His friends coming over to say a few good words to us, to remind us to be strong for our mom. Our neighbour immediately handed all the help they can render with space and food (if we need them). I am blessed, yes, we are blessed.
In that spur of panic moment, it turned solemn, quiet with murmurs of our prayer recitals, and cries from my mom, we realized, we are all we have. We need to stay united. We need each other to be strong for one another. If we are not the ones to be there, then who else? We don't only need the village to raise a child, we need the village for everything.
Everything we planned was put on hold. There are moments of regrets that we each hold... But there was no point to regret. I just hope we will be with our Mom stronger, and more united together hereon. I hope there will be more frequent visits. I hope there will be less of dismissal when she reminds us of something, when she speaks, I want us to listen, and to fulfill where possible. I am still in the grieving moments, yes, I blog about my reno progress because it was drafted for and it was promised. In reality, I have no real mood to talk about happy things..
When people ask "So how are you? How is your mom?" I kindda of not know what to answer, We are not okay.. But i answered Okay anyway. I guess people wont understand until they experience the loss themselves. I feel guilty sometimes to think that noone would understand, and someone did just that, she simply said "Losing a dad is not the same as losing a mom"
It hurts, but it is true I guess... And losing a dad is not the same as losing a husband. That made me look at my husband and wondered if he forgives me and loves me everyday. The what ifs..
It has been 3 weeks without my dad bugging me with how he had been without a nap and coffee.. It has been 3 weeks without my dad bugging me to pray on time.. It has been 3 weeks without my dad's smile when I returned from work. It has been 3 weeks since I asked my dad what he has done for the day. Yet it felt like just yesterday, me and him talking and laughing about things, it felt like just yesterday that I scolded him for being stubborn. As much as it felt like yesterday, it felt like forever since I kissed and hugged him. I miss you Bapak. So much it hurts.
We spoke about death many times, but it never prepared me. Bapak, I will take care of Mak.. As well as I can. We will not take what is hers. We will not fight over it, for I know whatever you have left behind, is for Mak to live without burdening anyone else. It is your nafkah. I know, Bapak. And I will try to put it nicely and politely should anyone raise the issue.
Your grandchildren has been accompanying Mak, while I am busy at work, and when I had to run errands for my new house. Bapak, I am glad you made some memories with me in my new house. I shall not brood over things you didnt get to do for me in my new house. I will try not to.
Everyday, I hope all your sins are forgiven, that your grave will be given light and space, and that you will be amongst the pious and righteous. I hope you get to meet our Rasullullah. And I hope we will be reunited one day.
Ameen.
Sehingga kita bertemu lagi, Bapak.
Wassalam,
Anakmu Jun
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